Monday, March 17, 2008

Wanted: Many, Many Russian Rodents HWP

I'm sure you're aware that The Kremlin is not exactly known for being overly open with whatever the hell it's doing over there in Russia. Direct, perhaps. Open? Not so much.

The Kremlin Security Service had posted what can only be described as sort of a post on the Russian version of craigslist that read: "Wanted: 3,200 white mice. Must be female. No more than 18 grams." WTF?

So, let's review. The Kremlin, made up of former spies and higher-up troops that protect Putin (or the next fixed-election elected official), wants to buy over three thousand, mice weighing under 18 grams. That's a little over half an ounce, for those of us not on the metric system (or any other system of measure that someone made up and wanted to modestly name after themselves). Interesting.

This is the explanation that the Kremlin has offered up for this purchase, "Everyone is wondering what they are for. But if they were ordered then that means they are needed," said an official with a gruff chuckle. Yeah, see, it's not so much the fact that they "are needed" that concerns me as much as what they "are needed" for. And the "gruff chuckle" doesn't comfort me much either.

When asked if the mice could be used to feed the falcons which are kept in the Kremlin (where all of Russia's rulers go to roost themselves) to scare off crows (my God, who lives in a place with falcons and crows? The Munsters? Count Chocula? WTF?), the official refused (shocker) to speculate and responded with, "There are more important things to think about." Important? Mmmm...probably. More interesting? Probably not.

And while the official wouldn't speculate, some of the Russian media have speculated and they've suggested that the mice could play a role in testing toxic substances or in indicating the presence of dangerous gases. (The difference between "toxic substances" and "dangerous gases" is unclear to me. The term "toxic", in and of itself, seems to imply "dangerous", so I don't know what else they're getting at there. Well, other than "Yes, that's exactly what they're for, which is why we won't speculate.")

But whatever they want them for, fear not! (Or just fear. That might be more appropriate, come to think of it.) Documents that were posted on the official government tender web site showed that a supplier has stepped forward and the Kremlin will be able to get their 3,200 mice for the agreed upon price of 475,776 rubles. That's approximately $24,739, or $7.73 per mouse in US dollars. $7.73 PER mouse?! They probably should have shopped around or looked for a coupon because that seems pretty high. They're mice. They're not magic mice. Just mice.

Of course there was no word on who in the hell had an extra 3,200 white, female mice under 18 grams, just lying around to sell to the Kremlin. But, as the Kremlin would say, "If they sold them, they probably had them." Or something like that. Next purchase? 3,200 cats.

Stumble Upon Toolbar Sphere: Related Content

No comments: