Sunday, March 2, 2008

All Dogs Must Remain Firmly On The Ground At All TImes

Apparently, the farther south that you go, the more stories you find about paragliding chihuahuas getting stuck in trees. That's what I did and that's what I found.

But you will have to appreciate that it's being reported by because, as we know, European online journalism? Very entertaining.

Now, it's hard to continue after the headline of "Paragliding dog rescued from tree in Australia", but I think I can follow that up with "An Australian paraglider and his pet chihuahua were left dangling from a tree more than 100 feet above the ground after a joy flight went horribly wrong." and still feel pretty good about where this story is headed.

As per the UK online reporting style, in the middle of this article are links to other articles that we might enjoy (and we might!). This time our choices are "Jesus Christ found in an American tree trunk?" and "Peruvian surfing cat is making waves." And after reading those, well, I'll admit, this little dog strapped to a kite isn't quite as intriguing as it was a minute ago. But I'm sticking with it. (And I LOVE the question mark after tree trunk. As if they're not quite sure that it really is Jesus Christ in that tree trunk.)

It appears that this guy strapped "four-year-old Emma" to his chest in a simple cloth sling and launched his paraglider...right into a tree. He used his cell phone to text his friends to get help. Why was he texting? Why couldn't he just call?! He's hanging from a tree in his glider with a dog strapped to him and he's going to text?!?! That's the situation in which you're looking around for that little Verizon dude and yelling into your phone, "Can you hear me now?! The dog and I flew into a tree. What? Yes, I know dogs can't fly. Please hurry."

And as with all UK stories, there are plenty of unnecessary details. "He was snagged in the branches of a mountain ash tree." (You know, just in case you were picturing birch.) The guy had "been fighting cancer for the past seven years and I was starting to go into withdrawals because I'm on a fairly high dose of morphine for the tumour pain." (I should probably mention right about here that he was in the tree for a little over an hour.) Oh. Morphine. Well...another piece of the puzzle falls into place.

The man continued with, "I normally don't take anything with me if I'm going flying, (no, just his DOG) but by the time I was hanging up there well into the evening it was getting pretty painful." (Again, ONE hour.) His main concern was for Emma, who had slipped out of her harness during the crash.

"It took me nearly an hour to put it back on her because of the precarious way we were perched. (That and the fact that he was busy trying to find the "w" key on his cell phone as he was texting his friends for assistance.) She knew that we were in danger, but she didn't panic or anything. " I'll give him points for using the word 'precarious' but that's it. Dude, are you sure that the dog on a kite in a tree hanging out of her harness DID NOT PANIC?!?! I'm not a dog, but I'm thinking she did because I would have panicked in that situation as a human, let alone as a dog!

The guy did seem to be genuinely grateful after being rescued from the tree he was stuck in for just over an hour with a chihuahua dangling about him as well. "I'm just so grateful that we've got these sort of people. Imagine if this was in some part of woop woop." (I thought he was out of morphine.) Oh, wait, "woop woop" is Australian slang for bushland. WTF?!

Apparently, the basics of what a "dog" should be exposed to has been forgotten. We've got Britney dressing and undressing them, we've got this guy flying them into the woop woop, what's next? They're DOGS! For the last time (I hope), they don't fly and they don't need clothes! They're dogs.

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