Thursday, March 27, 2008

Put On Your Pants And Step Away From The Birds!

This time, I've turned to Scotland for more news from below the belt. What I've learned is that a) Scotland is not that different from the rest of the UK, b) feeding pigeons before getting a hooker is really an unnecessary step, and c) many, many global occurences can be explained by just five words. You know what they are.

David Batchelor, a 58-year old Scotsman, was feeding pigeons wearing a skimpy thong which appeared skimpier due to the fact that he had it on backwards. As you can imagine, hilarity did not ensue.

Now, if you are not a stripper and you've ever had the displeasure of having to wear a thong (on purpose) you will recall that it is not all that pleasant of an experience. The whole thing is almost kind of pointless, really, provided that your thong is underneath something else. After all, the point of the thong is so that no one else will know that you're actually wearing the thong. If done correctly, while still uncomfortable, you will be the only one who knows that the thong is present (mainly because it's crawling up your ass all the time).

However, if done incorrectly, the thong wearing becomes a problem. An example of thong wearing done incorrectly would be to have the thong on backwards. An example of thong wearing gone horribly awry would be to have the thong on backwards and then not wear any pants. Not having any pants on really complicates the backwards thong matter a great deal. It's worse than the usual issues that arise out of thong usage in general (such as needing to dislodge your wedgie every 10 minutes).

See, when your thong is wrong and you happen to be a guy, well, that's really not any more effective than a string around a box from the bakery. Normally I would ask how this guy didn't know it was on backwards, given the fact that, being a guy, he sort of comes with the "hey-my-thong's-on-backwards detection kit" already installed straight from the factory. But those 5 words that explain so much will also explain that. Also, the fact that he wasn't wearing any pants makes the backwards thong almost a non-issue. But not totally.

Naturally, when your thong is on wrong and you're not wearing any pants, you get a hankerin' to feed some pigeons in the park. So that's exactly what Mr. Batchelor did. He went down to the park with a mitt full of feed and fed the pigeons. Oh, did I mention that school had just gotten out? Yeah, it did. Naturally, children fled in horror. When confronted by the police (still pantsless and with his thong doing a 180), he said that he had looked at people walking by and that the "schoolgirls were bonnie". I do not know what in the hell that means, but it doesn't sound, nor can it be, good.

pigeonMr. Batchelor was charged with committing a breach of the peace. Yes, reading that description was certainly not peaceful for me. But when asked why he was doing what he was doing, Mr. Batchelor gave probably the most honest answer you'll hear all day when he said, "I don't know. I was just feeding the birds and if I was wanting to do that I would just go down town and get a whore." Just how do any of those things go together? WTF? (I suppose I should give him a little (not a lot) credit for trying to be efficient by not wearing any pants if he was going to get a whore. Don't want to waste any time getting those puppies off once you've found said whore. At least his time is important to him. That's something.)

His attorney had said that there wasn't a sexual element to what he was doing because (here they are) "alcohol may have been involved". No kidding. Again, I am shocked, just shocked, that a pantsless man with his thong on backwards, feeding pigeons in a public park, would be drunk. Just shocked.

And after viewing the picture of Mr. Batchelor, all I can say to that is thank GOD that there was NOT a sexual element involved in with a backwards thong wearin', pants missin', penis peekin', whore seekin', pigeon feedin', whiskey drinkin', Scotsman in the park. Halle-freakin-lulah for that.
David Batchelor Bachelor

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