Harder Than Ever To Find A Good Festival

Apparently, over there in Japan, they have a huge festival every year that is a celebration of which thousands from all over are clammoring to attend. I'm assuming the Japanese festivals are not much different than those festivals that take place here in the US. We have such fests as the Garlic Festival, Oktoberfest, Wine Festivals, and the list goes on. The Japanese do the same. Only they replace "garlic", "beer" and "wine" with "penis". Other than that, they're exactly the same.

The Honen Festival is a fertility festival (the word "honen" means harvest!), an annual event in the central Japan city of Komaki, in Aichi Prefecture. There the revellers enjoy such festivities as carrying massive penises from one shrine to another, enjoying penis-shaped food, and praying while they are rubbing stone testicles. To remember this delightful event long after it's gone, penis souvenirs are also available.

Hard to imagine isn't it? Almost makes you want to know more doesn't it? Pictures sure would help get a grip on this (not literally; it's merely a pun.), wouldn't they? Here's some! Behold! More giant wooden penises than you ever knew existed:

Here, several Japanese males, fresh from their shifts at the local Benihana's, carry what can only be described as a giant wooden penis with a decorative bow tied on it (it's fancy).

Next, in what looks like a failed attempt to construct the Japanese version of the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile, several Japanese men struggle with keeping another large wooden penis from crashing to the ground (which would really anger the God of Schlong). All of the men designated to tote the ridiculously heavy penis are 42 years old. I don't know why. Neither do they.

Now comes the massive wooden penis, enshrined in it's shrine. It was assumedly placed there by more 42-year old, regulation age, Japanese penis carriers. And in case you were thinking about whipping out your pocketknife (what'd you think I was going to say?) and carving up one of these for your own living room, it is carved out of wood from the Cypress tree.

Obviously a great day for this woman as she kisses another giant wooden penis at the Honen Festival in Japan. (She seems pretty happy. It's like the wooden penis just got back from war or something.)

But it's not all woody, er, wooden penises at the festival. Oh, no. There are phallic shaped treats to enjoy whilst you peruse the many, many penile displays. Here, a woman checks on the phallic snack known in the US as "Hot Dog On A Stick". Ironic, eh? Judging from the look on her face, she seems to know that there is something inherently wrong about what she's doing.

Decisions, decisions. Which carved wooden penis should I buy for the Missus? (That thing is HUGE. Carve a spot in the middle and you've got yourself a pretty phallic kayak or bobsled or something.)

Up until now, we've only seen the observing of the penis taking place at the festival. Here is another important component, the penis praying. The woman is praying to the fertility penis. The woman also appears to be extremely pregnant. I don't know if that is a result of the fertility penis or if she was pregnant to begin with. Either way, you really shouldn't mess with stuff like this because you're just asking for trouble.
Here was have more festival-goers surveying the wide selection of penis tablets. I am unclear as to what they are typically used for, but I'm guessing it's to write yourself notes about penises. There is even a drawing of a penis on many of the tablets, in case you forget what it's for. (The tablet, not the penis. If you've forgotten what the penis is for, I really don't think a note is going to do much good.)

Also up until now, the Japanese have seemed to have a fondness for wood. Wood penises, that is. Wait. That didn't sound any better. Anyway, all penises are not wood. Here are some testicles made out of stone. The elderly woman fondling the granite gonads is supposedly praying to them. I think that it was just a chance for her to have her hands on a set of them one more time before she dies.

That's the Honen Festival in Komaki, Japan. Ask your travel agent for details on how you can attend next year's festivities! You too could have your hands atop an enormous wooden penis! It's the experience of a lifetime!

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