Thursday, March 13, 2008

All Inclusive Sauciness

According to the good folks over the at The Sun Online, officials at the Church of England felt that their parishioners needed a sex guide. So they wrote one. And, according to The Sun, it's "saucy good". Mmmmm....sauce.

The guide is called "Growing Together" and it gives said parishioners and anyone else who reads it, I guess, advice on married life. Said advice includes telling couples to "talk about their “turn-ons and turn-offs”. " And I don't think that they are referring to lights or electrical appliances. Well, OK, maybe some electrical appliances. But that's probably in a whole different chapter, really.

The Sex Guide From A Church reads, “Sex, far from being naughty, is something holy and wonderful and something to be celebrated. Like any other skill, it has to be learned. . . be each other’s teacher.” Gotta tell ya..."far from being naughty" and "something to be celebrated" seem rather oxymoronic to me. I mean, done correctly, there's no reason why "close to naughty" and "something to be celebrated" can't operate in blissful harmony.

Now all of this is fine and good and I suppose the only odd part (until now) was that it was written by the higher ups in some church. I mean, really, do you expect church guys to be handing out a sex manual? Do you think Pope-Not-John-Paul-II is doing that over at the Vatican? I think not. Regardless, it does take an odd twist (and that "odd twist" is not one of the aforementioned "skills" that "has to be learned." Although it couldn't hurt!).

Here is one scenario that the guide uses and which also illustrates the need for just such a guide: “Kevin and Mandy had been married 18 months and worried that they had not conceived a child. " Yes, that is troubling. Well, for those who actually want to conceive a child. For others, it's a really awesome cause for celebration and for a lot more sex! But it turns out that Kevin and Mandy's inability to conceive is really the least troubling part of the scenario.

That's because the guide continued with, “It turned out they had never had full intercourse.” I think I can speak for most when I say, "WTF?!"

What the hell is "full intercourse"? I mean, I have a pretty good idea. But why are Kevin and Mandy unaware that they weren't doing it? What the hell is going on over there in England? Not "full intercourse", apparently. So, they were having "half-ass intercourse"? No, wait. That sounds bad. (And kind of wrong.) "Half-way intercourse"? Wouldn't you know that it wasn't right? After EIGHTEEN MONTHS?!! Is there NO porn in ALL of England? What gives?
Well, it doesn't look like we'll be getting an answer to that question any time soon. It seems that the Church of England didn't want to dwell entirely on the topic of "full intercourse" and decided to make their "sex guide" what I can only deem to be all inclusive, as it also includes advice on sharing chores (such as "who does the cooking and who cleans the lavatory"), money issues and whether to be buried or cremated. Again, I repeat, WTF?!?! Look, I'm all for diversity, but burial and cremation, not to mention lavatory cleaning, sharing pages in the same book as "full intercourse" is a bit too diverse, even for me.

And really, I think that jumping around from topics ranging from "full intercourse" (or the apparent lack thereof) all the way to "burial or cremation" with a little bit of "who's cleaning the loo today?" thrown in is asking a bit much from the readers, don't you? (I'll tell you though, if I had gone eighteen months without "full intercourse", I wouldn't be looking for the chapter on "burial or cremation". No, I'd be looking for the chapter on which is more effective, hanging myself or shooting myself. Because after eighteen months without "full intercourse" that would be my frame of mind. Good God. Eighteen months?! I'll bet after that long, 1.25 minutes wouldn't seem too short at all!)

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