Saturday, March 29, 2008

Jimmy's F-ing Ben Affleck, but HE'S F-ing a Picnic Table!

Now, when I said that the UK gets a lot of stuff right and that the US should really pay attention, I certainly didn't mean that everything that the UK does is right and that those in the US should start imitating it immediately. God, no, I didn't mean that. Clearly, I was misunderstood, as a man in Bellevue, Ohio has been arrested for having sex with a picnic table.

A one Arthur Price was arrested after a police investiation which was initiated when someone gave police 3 DVDs which showed Mr. Price having sexual relations with the round, metal picnic table on his deck. How hot.

In case you were wondering (I know you were), he walks out to the deck, tilts the table on it's side and then, that's right, boinks it. There was also footage on the DVDs of him and the picnic table in his bedroom getting on some sweet, sweet lovin'. (I'm guessing it was raining that day or something, so he rolled the ol' girl into the house.)

When police questioned him, he freely admitted to doing the picnic table, in the house and on the deck and he also admitted that footage of him performing such acts was "captured on DVDs". Was captured? That makes it sound like some dude was just walking along with his cell phone, saw this extremely unnatural phenomenon and decided to get some footage of it so that he could upload it to YouTube later on that evening. But when the "footage" involves a guy, a metal picnic table, a bedroom and a penis, the only "footage" that would be "captured" would be that which he would be taking of himself! And the table! Together as one! Oh, my God! And I almost forgot, WTF?! WTF?! WTF?!
It's worth noting that this guy lives near an elementary school. It's also worth breathing a sigh of relief that he was arrested and charged with four counts of public indecency.

You know, I've picked out my fair share of patio furniture in my life. But when I was choosing patio furniture, I was thinking things like, "Will it fit on the patio?" "What if it rains?" "Does it go with the rest of the yard?" But this guy clearly had a completely different frame of mind when choosing his outdoor furniture. He's thinking, "How big is that umbrella hole?" "Will my mother like her?" "Does it tilt and roll easily?" "Heeeyyyy. Come here often?" It also gives a whole new meaning to Home Depot's slogan, "You can do it. We can help." (Sweet mother of God, I hope that they don't. This would be one time when their crappy customer service would be more than welcomed.)

Stumble Upon Toolbar Sphere: Related Content

No comments: