Monday, December 31, 2007
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Three days left in the year, so I think I'll go with two more favorite people. How can I not enjoy the Larry Craig saga? Senator Craig, as you may remember, was arrested for allegedly soliciting sex in an airport bathroom. He allegedly slid his foot underneath the stall and touched the foot of the guy in the adjacent stall, who happened to be an undercover officer looking for just such activity. Craig told no one about his arrest AND pled guilty (didn't tell anyone about THAT either). When it all came out (no pun intended), Senator Craig's excuses/rationale were hil-arious.
How did his foot touch the foot of the guy in the stall next to him on accident? According to Craig, "I have a very wide stance." A wide stance? He would have to have the stance of an Olympic gymnast to get his leg from one stall alllll the way into the other stall, SO far, in fact, that he would actually be touching the other patron.
Senator Craig also allegedly motioned with his hand underneath the stall divider. According to the officer, that is another sign that someone is trolling for gay sex in the very romantic atmosphere of a men's public airport restroom. (For the record, may I just say, "Eewwwwww!") The ol' under the divider hand wave. When explaining THAT, Senator Craig said that he noticed a piece of paper (presumably toilet paper) on the floor of the stall and he reached down to pick it up. Again, "Eeeewwwww!!" So now he's performing public service by picking up stray pieces of paper in the men's room at an airport in Detroit?!
I don't know about you, but public restrooms are not exactly what come to mind when I am trying to picture the epitome of cleanliness. If I have to use a public restroom (and my bladder is going to have to be ready to burst wide open within 10 seconds for me to use one. If that isn't the case, I'm holding it.) I don't want ANY part of me touching ANYTHING in there. It's like I'm Superman and the stall is kryptonite. I will go to great lengths to hover above anything and everything. But not Larry Craig. Nope. He just willingly bends down and picks toilet paper up off the floor of the stall. What a guy. Spare me.
Hey, Senator Craig. Next time you want to pretend like you weren't doing something that you obviously were doing, try being more convincing. Instead of hiding the whole incident until it's broken wide open by the press, try using that Senatorial "stance" (instead of your wide one) and raise hell at THAT TIME. If you expect anyone to believe that you pled guilty to the charge simply because you wanted it to go away because you were embarrassed, but that you were not actually guilty, how in the world can anyone expect you to perform the duties of a US Senator when you clearly have extremely poor judgment when it comes to decision making?
Choose one, Senator. Were you stupid or horny? And while you're at it, why don't you decide whether you're gay or straight.Sphere: Related Content
Friday, December 28, 2007
Shannon Whisnant is the guy in South Carolina who bought the contents of a storage unit at an auction. Inside the unit was a barbeque smoker with a severed human leg inside of it. The leg had belonged to John Wood (when it was attached to him) and Wood put it in the smoker to keep it until he died so that he could be buried with it. The leg was amputated in 2004 as a result of injuries Wood sustained in a plane crash. With me so far? It gets better.
Wood wanted his leg back. Seems simple, right? Not so fast. Whisnant didn't want to give the leg back. That's correct. He wanted to keep the leg. He started charged people to have a look at it. $3 for adults and $1 for children. I'm not sure why the difference in price. But then again, this is the logic of a man who wants to keep another man's SEVERED LEG!!
You've really gotta hear this guy talk. He is the epitome of the uneducated, backwoods Southerner to say the very least. And the funniest part is that he punctuates the end of all of his sentences with a little sound that goes "mmm-hmmm." You have to make that sound fast. Not slow. Real fast and it just flows in with the rest of the words in the sentence. Like this response to the question of who actually owns the leg, "It's miiine. I had a receiptmmm-hmmm." Or how he felt when he found the leg, since he has a bum left leg himself. "Yeah, we just sort of looked at it like it was heaven sent when we run acrost it. We sorta got an extra left leg now you knowmmm-hmm." Or his description of the condition of the leg, "It ain't too healthy lookin', I'll tell you thatmmm-hmmm."
Other gems from this man's explanation of the situation include how he would like to see the dispute between him and Wood settled. That's right. Joint custody. "Maybe if I have it in my custody for every Halloween and month there before uh, we may have split custody." I guess he feels it's a hot commodity because he said, "The phone has not stopped ringin' for more than 5 minutes. People call from all over the world who wants to see it. About nine different people (have paid to see the leg) so far."
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Monday, December 24, 2007
There was some sort of unnecessary uproar because people were claiming that there was a subliminal cross placed in the background of his ad. It wasn't a cross, it was a white bookshelf, by the way. But people were saying that it was a cross and he was trying to make subliminal implications about religion (Huckabee is a minister, apparently). I've seen the spot and I really don't think it was intentional.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Friday, December 21, 2007
Thursday, December 20, 2007
I mean, who cares what the card says? Someone just sent you a gift! That's like free stuff! No, actually that is free stuff. When I get a gift basket, I don't care if the card says "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Holidays" or even "Happy Hanukkah". It could say "Happy Armistice Day" for all I care. All I'm thinking right about then is, "Mmmmmm.......meat sticks and cheese in a tube. Where's my box cutter?"
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Friday, December 14, 2007
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Since when is a "word" with numbers in it a "word"? I didn't get that memo. I'm thinking they could have done better. Oh, wait a minute....I just saw the list of the 10 finalist words....I take it back. They couldn't have done better. They could have done worse. Since a few of these words need explaining, I'll try to fill in where I think it's necessary. Or amusing. The finalists......
~ pecksniffian Pecksniffian means unctuously hypocritical. For those of you who are like me, I will also tell you that unctuously means "revealing or marked by a smug, ingratiating and false earnestness or spirituality". Much like the word 'pecksniffian' itself.
~ sardoodledom Again, I present you with the definition of this (obviously made up) word. It means "mechanically contrived plot structure and stereotyped or unrealistic characterization in drama". I've been looking for a word to describe just such a situation which I encounter almost never. If you ever hear anyone use this word, please hit them. Hard.
~ facebook This is the verb 'facebook'. I think 'facebook' is stupid as a noun. Thus, I think it's ridiculous as a verb.
~ conundrum This has absolutely nothing to do with percussion instruments. It's merely a baffling situation. Kinda like this list.
~ quixotic Again, does anyone actually say this word? OUT loud? The next time I'm in a meeting with Shakespeare, I'll be all ears in anticipation of 'quixotic' appearing in the conversation. Aside from that, it's incredibly likely I will never hear this word spoken aloud ever.
~ blamestorm "Meeting, usually corporate or governmental, to decide who should be blamed for the incompetence of the organization itself." Apparently the opposite of 'brainstorm' and a distant cousin of 'barnstorm'. Who should be blamed for the incompetence of using the word 'blamestorm' is what I want to know.
~ apathetic Now, if I put a space between the 'a' and the 'pathetic', I get 'a pathetic'. And that's how I would start a sentence that would be describing this list. A pathetic collection of options for the Word of the Year
~ hypocrite I'd have to define this as those folks over there at Webster's who are in charge of the "words" in the dictionary, yet keep coming up with all of these "non-words" to throw in there also. It's not like they need page fillers or anything. Why must they do this?
~ charlatan Charlatan is like the next-door neighbor of quixotic. Kinda sounds like "Charles in Charge". Has nothing to do with Scott Baio.
~ w00t The
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Tuesday, December 11, 2007
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Thursday, December 6, 2007
Monday, December 3, 2007
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Calvin once told Hobbes (both of comic strip fame and yore), "You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help."
He was right. Some days, things that make things better for us, just don't. A wise boy, that Calvin. My lucky rocketship underpants aren't working right now either.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Saturday, November 24, 2007
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Friday, November 23, 2007
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Monday, November 19, 2007
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Mr. PETERSON: She never told me she was seeing another man. She--well, maybe she did. But I believe she's with somebody else right now. (So, "she didn't say...no, wait, yes, she did say that...ah, regardless, that's what I believe." All rightee then....)
LAUER: Let me just go back to, did she or did she not say to you, `I'm seeing someone else, Drew?' (Way to be non-confrontational, Matt.)
Mr. PETERSON: It wasn't put like that. She found somebody else. That was her exact words. (Yes, it is extremely important to make sure that we can quote this missing woman verbatim, because THAT will lead to her being found.)
LAUER: And you believe that she is now not dead, that she is actually run off with another man?
Mr. PETERSON: I believe that, yes. (Might you possibly also believe in the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny as well, sir.)
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
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I'm confused. They're skydivers, right? They had chutes, yes? So, what, they can jump out of a perfectly good plane but not one that is plummeting toward the earth? I don't get it.
Monday, October 8, 2007
Sunday, October 7, 2007
First sign: The Hannah Montana tour is outselling The Police, Springsteen, Beyonce and Justin Timberlake (the 3rd and the 4th ones I don't really care about, but Sting and the Boss?!!? Travesty, I tell you.). On top of that, the tickets for Hannah Montana are MORE expensive than the above mentioned four. She sings to TWELVE YEAR OLDS!!! More expensive than The Police?!?! What the hell?
Next sign: Barbara Walters is seventy eight years old. WHAT?!?! SEVENTY EIGHT?!?! WTF?!?! How is she SEVENTY EIGHT? I guess if I think about it, for as long as she's been on TV, she should probably be older than that (probably sold her soul to the devil, but who in Hollywood hasn't?), but since I'm not thinking about that I'm back to SEVENTY EIGHT?!?! Way to go, BaBa Wawa.
See....they're signs! Signs I tell you. The world, it's just.....wait a minute.....oh, hey.....Pam Anderson just married Rick Solomon, the guy who was in the sex tape with Paris Hilton. Oh. Well, never mind then. Everything is back to normal. My mistake. Sorry. :)
Recently, it was pointed out to me that I, apparently, feel the need to “comment, comment, comment” on a myriad of subjects. This observation was later confirmed/reinforced by another individual, thus rendering it a character trait. (Thanks, guys. You know who you are.) Since personality traits are ingrained far, FAR earlier in life than the stage that I’m currently in, I see no reason in trying to change something that, well, amuses me so. Thus, the blog.
I’ll try to keep my commenting and/or mocking limited to one or two ridiculous individuals and/or scenarios per day. But don’t hold me to that, because we all know that on some days, it seems like the whole world just goes freakin’ nuts (usually because it has). And when it does, I mock it. Often. Enjoy.