Sunday, March 30, 2008

TMI, Governor. TMI

Remember the Governor of New York (home to horrible salsa, apparently)? The one who had cheated on his wife? Right. And he admitted it publicly? Yeah, him. OK, now....oh, wait? You thought I meant Eliot Spitzer, aka Client 9, who was discovered to have been frequenting prostitutes (hookers, whores, etc.) and ended up holding a press conference to admit to this and to resign as Governor? Yeah, I could see where you'd get confused, but I didn't mean him. I was referring to the new Governor. (You can't be THAT shocked, can you? OK, a little.)


David (Of course he's named Dave!) Paterson became New York's first black and first legally blind Governor (No! Not Ray Charles! David Paterson. Paterson is Governor of New York!) when Idiot, er, Eliot Spitzer resigned because apparently New York cannot have a Governor who pays for sex with prostitutes. (Spitzer's hooker, a one Ashley Alexander Dupre, could be described as looking extremely whore-a-licious. Cute girl. I just wish she wasn't a hooker.)

Shortly after he was sworn in as Governor, Paterson admitted to having more than one extramarital affair in his marriage. His wife admitted the same. They've both cheated on each other. Grand. I don't know if that was exactly the time to bring that up. I mean, the other guy just got ousted for stuff like this. Yeah, it's different, but it's also the same! It just seemed like more than I really needed to know. (Well, actually, when he said that he and his wife went to the same hotel he had his affairs at when they were attempting to "reconcile with each other" (ie, make-up sex). THAT was definitely more than I needed to know.)

But he wasn't quite done with his public confessional just yet. Hell, no, there's more. Today's revelation? Why, cocaine and marijuana usage. Of course!

Paterson said, in regard to cocaine, that he had "tried it a couple of times" when he was "about 22 or 23." (I'm thinking that the "22 or 23" would actually be the number of times he did a line or two.) And in regard to the marijuana, Paterson said "And marijuana probably when I was about 20. I don't think I touched marijuana since the '70s." (Translation: Smoked every day, before and after class in college and all day on the weekends.) Look, if you're saying that you "don't think" you touched it, you touched it all right. You touched it all over in places that would make it blush and you liked it! He's a pothead.

When he finally realized that this confessional was coming out of his own mouth, he tried to placate matters by saying, "...more Americans have tried a lot more during that period of time and gone on to lead responsible lives and hopefully have lived their lives to their fullest."
Let's look at that statement a little bit closer. More Americans than what? Than you? More than one?! Yeah, I'd say that's a fair estimate. It's lame, but it would be accurate. Also, what "period of time" is he referring to? The seventies? Our 20s? And by throwing in the "hopefully" I'd say that easily translates into "hopefully they're buying this". Wow.

Dude, I guess I appreciate the honesty and all, but I really could have done without. I mean, the Governor of New York has basically come out and said that he has cheated on his wife, snorted coke and DID inhale that smoke from the bong (and apparently enjoyed it as did most Americans). It just doesn't sound all that great. True? Yes (well, apparently). Poetic? Not so much. I'm a little nervous about any future revelations. What else is there? Clubbed a couple of baby seals in college, did ya? Knocked up a nun? Tripped a midget? There IS such a thing as too much information (TMI), Governor. And this is it. (Please, let this be it.)

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