Friday, March 28, 2008

That's Not A Wombat, It's A "Wrongbat"

WombatNow, I realize that I have focused mainly on getting the word out that dogs should not wear clothes, nor should they be anything other than "dog colored". And I still believe that is a fine message to send and firm position to take and I shall continue to do both. Out the message whilst standing firm. I'm also going to issue another plea/suggestion/light and tepid warning: Do not, for the love of God, do not ever claim to be raped by a wombat (or any other kind of bat for that matter). Do. Not. Do. It. Oh, if only I had known such a rule was necessary enough to need to be said out loud. wombatArthur Ross Cradock, a 48-year old orchard worker of New Zealand, had claimed that he had been raped by a wombat. (I do not know how that would even be physically possible. Then again, I don't think that breeding or romping between species was supposed to be easy. It's like nature's way of saying "Do. Not. Do. It.") He also claimed that wombat rape (try saying that three times fast) left him with the ability to "speak Australian". I'd have to say that even after hearing "wombat rape", I still found the "ability to speak Australian" surprising. I don't know why. You'd think, after the wombatious assault, that nothing would surprise. But it did. wombatIn the early afternoon one February day, Mr. Cradock called the police in Nelson (that's in New Zealand) and threatened that, if they came to his home that night, he would "smash the filth". I don't know what that means, but since it is apparently some sort of New Zealandic threat, it's not good. That call wasn't enough for our orchard working genius over there, because he called back. This time, delivering the startling message, "I've been raped by a womabat." He also made a startling plea of, "Come help me." Not quite as startling was that he made a third call to let the police know that he has changed his mind and did not want to pursue a complaint against the raping wombat.
In what can only be responded to with, "WTF?", the guy said, "I'll retract the rape complaint from the wombat because he's pulled out." And as if that wasn't enough, he continued with, "Apart from speaking Australian now, I'm pretty all right, you know. I didn't hurt my bum at all." He was then charged with "using a phone for a fictitious purpose". Well, GOOD! I'd hate to have him charged with "using a phone for a non-fictitious purpose" because that would mean that he has been doing it with a wombat, for cryin' out loud! WTF? WTF? WTF??!?! wombat
Now, of course you're wondering if "alcohol may have been involved". Thus I'm sure you'll reel back in shock when you learn that, according to the man's defense attorney, it may have been. Oh, really?! Do you THINK?! I would not only THINK alcohol may have been involved, I would hope and pray and downright BEG that alcohol had been involved!! Because if individual claimed that he was being raped by a wombat in what may or may not have been an orchard, in an encounter that would later leave him with a non-sore ass and the ability to speak in an Australian tongue, and alcohol was NOT involved in the slandering of said wombat?? Well, that would be more of a WTF moment than this already is.

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