Saturday, March 15, 2008

The Schlong And Short Of It

It's official. I will be going to the UK approximately NEVER unless HELL freezes over. Clear enough? The statement should be. The reasons will be.

I'll begin with the antics that took place in Wiltshire (a county south west of England). There, a 32 year old man (translation: pervert; alternate translation: retarded pervert) was arrested for having sex. With a lamp post. On purpose.

The police received a report of a man "acting indecently" outside some apartments that were occupied by several young women. I guess none possessed the characteristics (The allure of solid metal perhaps? An irresistible tall shaft? That bright shiny bulb? I don't know! It's a lamp post for Christ's sake!) that the man was looking for in a sexual partner, so he did it with the lamp post instead.

The cops arrested him on "suspicion of outraging public decency". "Suspicion"? There's very little that is suspect here, other than the act itself. Screwing a metal pole in public is ridiculously suspect. Outraging public decency? Not suspect AT ALL. In fact, my new definition of "outraging public decency" (just so that there's no confusion in the future), is going to include "having SEX with a LAMP POST!" Just so we're clear.

In case you think you might be missing something, here's your chance to assess. Behold! The pervert's betrothed:
Pretty sexy, eh? Guys, don't you just want to go shaft to shaft with that tall metal hottie right there?

So now we've got Pervy Perverson doing the lamp post to go with Bangy McScrewTheRoad who was going at it with the pavement a few weeks ago. I think those two need a third wheel to really help drive home the reason why I am never going to the UK. I introduce to you....the Polish building contractor who was caught having sex with a vacuum cleaner named Henry Hoover!

F-ing bloody hell, what is WRONG with people?! Normally (something that these instances have absolutely no part of), I wouldn't be irritated that the vacuum cleaner had a name. But now that someone was having SEX with poor inanimate Henry Hoover, it seems to personalize the poor appliance as if it were capable of knowing it was violated. Let's find out just HOW violated the vacuum was, shall we?

According to "The Sun", "A stunned security guard (I think that "stunned" is kind of a given in this case) stumbled onto the man (let's hope not literally) in the middle of a compromising act with the cleaner, which has a large smiley face painted on its front and a hose protruding from its "nose"." Don't believe it? Behold!

Kinda makes your heart go out to the poor little guy, doesn't it? Henry Hoover is described as "famous for its looks, but under its fascia lies a powerful, reliable vacuum cleaner ready to go time and time again." I can only assume that is what led the guy to boink the vacuum in the first place.

The Sun continues by stating that, "the contractor was supposed to be locking up the building site near the Great Ormond Street Children's Hospital where his firm is refurbishing administration offices." Again, another highly useless piece of information. I don't care exactly WHAT he was SUPPOSED to be doing! I am perfectly capable of surmising that it wasn't what he WAS doing! But thanks for pointing out how vastly different the two acts are. That helped.

"The security guard, suitably horrified (As opposed to "not horrified enough"? What would that be? "Oh, sorry! Didn't know someone was in here!"), told the man to "clean himself and the Hoover" before asking him to leave and informing his bosses." At least he wasn't SO horrified that he didn't ask the guy to clean things off first! I'm just worried that the guy would start cleaning himself with the Hoover and then we'd be right back to where we started!

"When later questioned by his employers, the man said he was vacuuming his underpants, which was "a common practice in Poland". He has since been fired." A common practice? Vacuuming your underwear? In public? ANYWHERE? No, that's never common. And it shouldn't be practiced! And while pointing out that the guy was fired MAY seem like more of that needless information thrown in there, this time it actually provided me with a sense of relief. It's like I needed to know that before I could sleep at all tonight. Or vacuum ever again, for that matter.

And I wish I could say we were done, but we're not! We couldn't wrap this up without mentioning Robert Stewart, the 51-year-old who was naked from the waist down and having sex with a bicycle when two cleaners walked in on him at the Aberley House Hostel in south west Scotland (still the UK). You see, that is exactly what those "Do Not Disturb" signs are meant to prevent! Cleaners walking in on senior citizen bike sex! (I am going to start using those signs EVERYWHERE just to be sure that I NEVER encounter that EVER.)

After being discovered, Sicko McCycle stopped briefly to ask, "What is it, hen?", before continuing to "move his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex". Hen?! Good Lord, there was a chicken too?!?!

This whole ordeal ended up in court and the guy is now a registered sex offender since admitting to "a sexual breach of the peace." Yes, I suppose the peace probably was breached after two people saw a guy schlonging a Schwinn. Screams of terror would breach peace, that's for sure.

The Sheriff gave this statement. "I thought I had come across every perversion known to mankind, but I have never heard of a 'cycle-sexualist'." (By the way, I will admit that, had I not been informed of the coital relations between the "UK Four" and the pavement, the lamp post, the vacuum and the bike, I might have been curious as to some of the "perversions known to mankind" that this poor sheriff had been subjected to. Now? Not so much. Don't want to know. Just want to look at pictures of chicks and puppies and think that all is good and pure in the world.)

Of course, even though Mr Stewart, an unemployed bachelor (yes, I know that you're stunned that this man hasn't found a lovely lady with whom to share his and his bicycle's life), admitted to doing....that, he has said that the incident was "a misunderstanding" caused by too much drink.

A misunderstanding between who? Him and the bike? His penis and the bike? Him and his penis? (Oh, and is anyone shocked that alcohol was involved? Of course not. I've had to involve alcohol for myself just from reading all of this!) I think I will have to disagree with him on this one (and every other one up until now and in the future!). Drink all you want, I don't care, I am going to firmly state that it is impossible, IM-POSSIBLE, to mistake a bicycle for a vagina. (And it's a good thing, too. Otherwise, that Tour de France would turn out to be quite the freakshow.)


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