Monday, March 31, 2008

Can't They Leave The Dollar Alone?

Apparently, the folks over there at the US Mint have a lot of time on their hands. Not too much time, though. They seem to have enough time to dream up more ridiculous items to introduce into the US currency system, but they don't seem to have enough time to put a lot of effort into creating something that people will a) use; b) want; c) not repeatedly mock the design. They also don't seem to have enough time to noodle through the concept that the US does not want a dollar coin. That's the only explanation for why they keep trying to cram these things down our throats year after year after year.

It would seem that the Mint guys think that it's the image on the coin that's the problem. Yes! That's it! If we just change who is on the coin THAT will make the American people love the dollar coin! We just haven't come up with the right images yet! Why didn't we realize before now that it's images of the first eight Presidents that all Americans are clammoring for? That will make them want to carry around a bunch of metal in their pockets!

Um, not so much. But do they care? Of course not. So that's why they're introducing a whole bunch of brand new dollar coins with, you guessed it, a whole bunch of brand new images, starting with those from the first eight Presidents. Now, aside from that lunacy however, is the matter of the design upon said new coins.

Look at the image below, would you? That is Andrew Jackson. By simply looking at the image on the coin, one could draw the conclusion that not only will this coin commemorate the seventh President of the United States, but it will also promote stroke awareness to the 12 people who actually use the dollar coin. What is wrong with his face?!

Then we have the James Madison coin. Going with just the image on the coin alone, I have concluded that James Madison was not only our fourth President, he was also a distant relative of the comic villain Two-Face.

Here we have John Adams. Presumedly, the artist for this coin thought that it would be appropriate if the second President of the US (who was a side-kick to the first President) looked more like Higgins (who was a side-kick to Magnum, P.I.).

Then there's George Washington. When comparing the image of George to that of the Presidential spouses, you can see the strikingly creepy resemblance that he bears to Mrs. Abigail Adams, the wife of the Presidential side-kick (not the Tom Selleck side-kick) shown above..

James Monroe, the fifth President, appears to have been the undocumented father of Abraham Lincoln. And if you're going on the basis of this coin alone, one could draw the conclusion that he was known as "James, Our Most Effeminate President".

John Quincy Adams, shown at the left, would appear to be, in fact, the great-great-great grandfather of Joan Collins, shown here. The resemblance is striking, yes?

And our eighth president, the actor Christopher Lloyd. Oh, wait! Sorry. Got confused. Van Buren. Martin Van Buren was the eighth President. (You can see where I was led astray, can't you?)

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