Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Swedish Needlepoint In English

needlepointHaven't had your fill of Sweden's News? In English? This might take care of that empty void you've been feeling. From the good folks over at The Local (Sweden's News how? In English, that is correct.) we have this opening paragraph that pretty much ensures that you're going to read the next paragraph (at the very least) as soon as you get done scratching your head and wondering, "WTF?" Here we go: "Two men from western Sweden have been sentenced to eight years each in jail after they forced a man at needlepoint to sign over ownership of a car, a motorbike and a ride-on lawnmower. " Done scratching yet? Then please, read on....

According to the court who sentenced the 2 men, the crimes included "elements of humiliation and, to a certain extent, sadism." And for those of us not in Sweden, the crimes also included elements of confusion and a new found gratefulness for the country that we do live in.

hammerThe victim was ambushed on his farm in December of last year. The ambushers beat him with a baseball bat before tossing him into his own basement where he was nailed to his own work bench and threatened with a pistol and a gas flame. (A gas flame? Like a Bic lighter? Why would you need anything other than a gun? A gun will pretty much cover it when you're robbing a Swedish farmer on his own farm. Bringing fire into it at that point really seems like overkill to me.) Now, if the ambushers were from the Philippines and it was closer to one of the more nail-y holidays that they so adore over there, this might be understandable. But I'm guessing that they weren't. So, what is wrong with Swedish ambushers, who may or may not speak English?! What? You people don't have rope over there? Just a hammer and nails were all your criminal ancestors and felonious forefathers left you with?! Rope!! Tie up your ambushed victim (now hostage) with ROPE!! Do not, I repeat, DO NOT nail them to a work bench or any other kind of bench. Park, bus, I don't care. NO NAILING!!

lawn mowerThe newly crucified Swedish farmer was later "forced at needlepoint to sign his name to a document handing over ownership of his car, motorbike and lawnmower to his assailants." Again, WTF?! Needlepoint? Like one of those pillows on your grandmother's couch that say "Home Sweet Home" or "Gone Fishin'"? THAT kind of needlepoint? With or without that pillow attached?? I don't get it. And lawnmower? You've got a guy, nailed to a workbench, and you're waving a hand stitching device in front of him to force him to sign over his possessions and all you want is his car, his motorcycle and his mower?! I'm thinking he might have done all of that without the nailing. Regardless, couldn't y'all have made it worth your while? Made it at least worth HIS while? I mean, he's not going anywhere. He's nailed down, for cryin' out loud! Clean the guy out while you have a chance! Swedish idiots in Enlgish.

But just to clarify things a bit, it wasn't a sewing needle. No, it was a hypodermic needle and they injected him with heroin as a little thank you for signing over his three possessions deemed worthy of such a horrifying ordeal. Well, an overdose of heroin. So they weren't really thanking him as much as they were trying to kill him. Nice guys.

Naturally, the defense of these guys was that their Swedish victim "might have cooked up his story because he regretted a voluntary sale." Uh-huh. And monkeys might fly out of your butt. Do you really think that someone is going to go through all of that because they were having second thoughts about selling their motorized vehicles and lawn care machinery?! I don't! You know, I've regretted more than just a few things over the course of my life. Never have I regretted something so much to the point that I was thinking about nailing myself to a workbench and OD-ing on heroin to get it back.

But back to an earlier statement made by the judge in this case when he said, " a certain extent, sadism" was involved. To a "certain extent"? But not past that extent? WTF? The guy was beaten, threatened with a gun and a Bic lighter, nailed to a workbench and then shot full of heroin after being forced to sign over the family lawnmower. That would cover the full extent of sadism. Not a certain extent. The full extent. I'm certain of it.

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Anonymous said...

U r really hilarious...

Have u thought of changing the name of ur blog 2 WTF?

Where do u find these stories?

Mare said...

Thanks for the kudos. WTF might be a more appropriate name, but I think I'll stick with this one. And, unfortunately, these things aren't that hard to find. They seem to be everywhere! And it scares me a little bit.