Monday, March 3, 2008

I Prefer My Guests To Bring Wine


What we have here are eight sentences that TheDailyRecord.co.uk felt were sufficient in reporting what is nothing short of a horrific situation. And they're not very long sentences either. EACH sentence in and of itself warrants at least one "WTF?!" and one "Did I just read what I think I read?", followed by a re-reading of the eight sentences. Repeat as needed. And even after my commentary, you still might want a quick review. Here we go.

" A GROUP of cannibals have been locked up after they ate a friend who offered to cook them dinner. " For starters, eating your houseguests is not exactly "friendly". Eating your hosts is absolutely NOT friendly.

"Alexander Stepaniuk, 41, had invited four pals to his house for a meal. " What could possibly go wrong?

"But the teacher ended up on the menu after the two men and two women beat him to death with a hammer. " I don't know when he became a teacher, but that's really the least of my concerns at this point. And while I do love how the UK press just cuts right to the chase, I'll admit I could have used a little warning; even a little easing into the point of the story. OK, I would have preferred it. But what's done is done. (But it's not well done! Sorry.)

"The cannibals, who had been drinking vodka, cut Mr Stepaniuk's body up before barbecuing the parts. " Naturally, the five most common words uttered in situations like this are present here. "Alcohol may have been involved." And they wouldn't have had to eat him for me to come to that conclusion. No, the hammer beating would have been sufficient. But what is with the mentioning of the slice and dice BEFORE the grill?! If they were attempting to make it seem somewhat civil that they just didn't throw the guy on there in one piece, well, that failed miserably. I'm just glad there wasn't a seasoning or a marinade involved.

"They were arrested after worried neighbours in Chernovtsi, Ukraine, called police." Of course they don't mention why the neighbors were worried, although I can surmise that it may have been all of the hammer bashing or the smell of burning human flesh that sparked some concern.

"Alexander Woytseshko, 34, Dmitri Chuba, 45, Lilia Kisilitsa, 23, and Svetlana Lupan, 26, admitted murder. " Again, another one of those situations where, although honesty is at the top of the list in my book, I'd rather have you not eat your friend and then be totally up front about it. Tell you what? How about you don't eat him and just lie your ass off for the rest of your life, OK?

"The monsters told cops: "We had nothing against him personally - we just wanted to see what human meat tasted like." I only wish the person who jotted down this little note had taken even more liberty to use words even stronger than "monster". You don't see that much in the US press. (Unfortunately.) So, if they ate him when they didn't have anything against him personally, what in the hell would they have done if they DID have something agianst him? Personally? Ate him while he was still alive?

"They were sentenced to between three years and life in prison." That's it. It ends there. Your eight sentences are up. This has been the story of the crazy, cannibalistic, host eating monsters. WTF?! There's really quite the discrepancy between three years and LIFE in prison. (That's assuming you're not only three. Then it becomes all encompassing. But in this situation, not so much.) I'm hoping it leans toward the 'life' side of that sentence. A situation like this one really warrants a penalty of "will never see the light of day again".

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