Thursday, March 27, 2008

Great White Trash Things That Go Great Together

white trashI believe that an opening sentence that would not need much more explanation would go something like this: "An Okaloosa County Sheriff’s deputy responded to Waffle House on Racetrack Road to meet with a woman who claimed to have been battered by 10 unknown black males while she was walking through Pinecrest Mobile Home Park." See?

Seems a woman had initially claimed to have been "jumped on" by 10 black males. Then the story changed to being "beaten" by 5 black males. Then the story changed to 5 black females. (This is kind of sounding like a real life version of one of those "Choose Your Own Adventure" stories. "It was ten black males! No! No, wait! I mean, um, five! FIVE black males! Wait! Did I say five GUYS?? I want to go with women! 5 black women! Yeah! That's it!)

This clearly delusional individual continued her story by including that the 5 constantly black, recently female, assailants had struck her in the head numerous time. After they were done striking her head, they "grabbed her hair" and "beat her face into the cement." (All that striking is really hard on the knuckles. Much easier to just let some good ol' concrete do the job for you.)

Now, it may or may not surprise you that the deputy whom she told this story to did not notice any injuries on the woman's face, nor on the back or her head. Yeah, it didn't surprise me either.

I've gotta say, however, that this woman was off to a really great start if she was trying to stitch together some sort of white trash saga du jour there. I mean, she really came out of the gate running, what with the Waffle House and the Racetrack Road and the Okaloosa Sheriff and, of course, a good ol' trailer park to wrap all that up in. Can't have white trash without the trailer park, now, can you? Nope. She was all inclusive, I'll give her that.

But she really should have thought this out more. Poor woman just couldn't noodle it all the way through. Clearly, given this story, she's been hit on the head at least once in her life (and probably dropped more than once as a child). What's another crack on the noggin going to hurt? You know, just for the sake of aesthetics? At least appear as if you and the elusive Latiska Benotiqua (or any name you choose, really) had some sort of run it over there. Because you were really onto something there, yet sadly, you had only just started when things went awry.

Ah, yes, the stuff "Cops" is made of (only for reals). In the meantime, honey, why don't you just walk those 5 dollar pumps back to that trailer park and cook dinner for Cousin Dad, mmm'kay?

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