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Adam Sandler has a movie coming out on June 6, called "You Don't Mess With the Zohan." Of course. Here's the gist: Sandler is Zohan (surprise). Zohan is an Israeli commando (bigger surprise) who fakes his own death. (Doesn't seem like there would be much of a need to "fake" any "death" when you're talking about those over yonder in Israel, but to each their own.) He does the death fake-out move because he wants to pursue the hidden dream of many Israeli commandos, that of moving to New York City and becoming a hairstylist. Wait. What?
Look, even I couldn't make that stuff up. That's the plot of the movie. I swear! But here's the sub-plot: He gives his "clients" some "special services" (Translation: sex, sex and more Israeli commando sex. Big X-strapped chest bullets optional.) in a "back room" (Translation" back room). Of course, one day he is recognized for the true commando that is really is and he then risks losing all that he has cut, blown, gelled and styled up to that point. How exciting.
Now, there are many reasons I won't be seeing this movie. None of which are Adam Sandler. The guy is hilarious. But there is one reason I won't be seeing this movie that tops all others that I may or may not come up with. And that reason is Mrs. Garrett.
You remember Mrs. Garrett, don't you? That wacky housekeeper turned boarding school head master/mistress on "The Facts of Life"? (Hey, if you put a 'master' and a 'mistress' together, would you have a 'mattress'? Or is that just what you would need if you put the two together?) You know, Edna Garrett. That's right! Her! But just in case you're still a little fuzzy on the image, let me help you. Behold! The typical 80s sitcom character, "The Wacky (insert character title here)", Mrs. Garrett!
Ah, yes! Who didn't love Mrs. Garrett and the ways that she would steer the misguided teenage girls back onto the path of all that way good whenever they went astray? (Hmmm...She seems to have that FLDS hair thing going on, doesn't she? Was Mrs. Garrett a polygamist wife? Nah, couldn't be. But that hair.....) Without Mrs. Garrett, all four of those girls would have been knocked up before they were in their junior year over there at Eastland. Well, except for Jo. She would have been a lesbian (as if she wasn't already, come on!).
But why am I wandering down memory lane? Because it's a hell of a lot more pleasing to think of the TV that I watched as a child than to think of Edna Garrett doing it with Zohan! That is correct. Charlotte Rae has a cameo appearance in the film and her and Zohan have sex. And I think I just threw up a little bit. Let's take a look below at the object of Zohan's affection now, shall we? Behold! Um, well, ah, call it what you will.
According to the fine folks over there at the AP, Charlotte Rae told AP Television, "We make love together." Oh, sweet mother of God, make it stop. And for no apparent reason other than to make me cringe, she added, "On a table from one to 10, I rate him, 'Not bad.'" And on a scale from 1 to 10, I rate that, Oh my God!!
Oh, poor woman. She can't even remember that it's a "scale from 1 to 10" not a "table from 1 to 10". How old is she? Good Lord! Eighty two?!!? That's at least TWO Adam Sandlers put together! I don't remember this being ANY of the "facts" that were in "life" that appeared as weekly plots during her sitcom years. No one should ever be twice the age of the one they're doing it with if others are going to be watching them do it. (If no one is going to be watching, well, that's fine and please continue.) That's the rule! We ALL know it! Forget about The Zohan! Don't Mess With The Rules!