Friday, May 23, 2008

It's Below The Belt Friday - Part One

It's not often that I can do multiple posts on the same day that all have the same anatomical locale, that being the nether regions of the human body. First, let's start off with those who would have to be the most clueless "scientists" spanning the globe. (How can I get a gig like this? You know, the kind where you manage to secure funds from somewhere to study something and someday you'll publish what you found out, only to find out that everyone already knew the answer long before you did? Yeah, one of those gigs. Where do I sign up?) (Oh, and I suppose that right about here is where I should insert my "I have nothing against scientists" disclaimer and my "I have a thing for scientists, or at least one scientist" proclaimer. Consider it done. I wish I could consider it useful.)

Now brace yourself. What you read will shock you. (Or not.). In not one, not two, but ten, yes, ten different countries, including the United States, Australia, Germany and Egypt, "experts" (ie, the scientist guys) are saying that finally, finally, they have been able to define (drum roll please) premature ejaculation! Ta-DA! Wait. What?

OK, let's just pause for a moment. Um, couldn't they have just broken down the words and figured this out? You know, "premature" "Pre", which means "before". "Mature" which means "complete". Thus "pre" + "mature" = "before" "complete". (Hey! I can be one of these scientist guys. It's not that hard. Yeah, pun probably intended.) Then we have (or you do. Maybe. If you're lucky.) "ejaculation". Let's just say we know how that breaks down, shall we? So, we now have defined "premature" and "ejaculation". Put the definitions together and we have "ejaculation before complete". You can connect the dots and look at the final picture (if that helps you. Some people are very visual.) and have a pretty good idea what that means. Why in the world it took TEN countries full of experts to figure this out is beyond me. But I digress. Onward....

A co-author of this paper, a one Dr. Chris G. McMahon (no relation to Jim) of the University of Sydney (that's in Australia) says that this is the "first ever evidence based definition of lifelong premature ejaculation." Well what in the hell was it before? Speculation? Do you think that a bunch of people were just sitting around surmising what it meant? I don't think so! I'm pretty sure they knew what they were talking about! And really, how much evidence do you need? I'm thinking, once they hear, "That's it?" they have all of evidence they need! I don't get it.

Apparently the "definition" came about after "lengthy critical evaluation" (OK, we're talking about premature ejaculation. How "lengthy" could the "evaluation" possibly have been?) of "evidence presented in more than one hundred studies on the problem that have been published over the past sixty five years." Oh, my God, what a freaking waste of time.

After pouring over 65 years of studies, the researchers all came to a unanimous conclusion (oh, thank God! I was afraid there would be a dissenter, (you know like how only 4 out of 5 dentists will recommend Trident) and then we'd have sixty five MORE years of pointless research.). The conclusion was that the definition must consist of not one, not two, but three factors.

Now, before I reveal the three finalists, think about what they could possibly be. If you do not get at least two out of the three, you should have your penis revoked. (If you're a woman and you don't get at least two out of the three, you either don't care because you're gay or you don't care because you're just glad it's over quickly.) And when I say to think about what those three things could be, I don't mean take sixty five years (like some people do) and get back to me.

OK, here we go.
  • Number One: Ejaculation that always or nearly always occurs prior to or within about one minute of vaginal penetration. (Hence the term discussed earlier, "premature.")

  • Number Two: The inability to delay ejaculation on all or nearly all vaginal penetrations. (Hence the term discussed earlier, "premature.")
  • Number Three: Negative personal consequences such as distress, bother, frustration and/or the avoidance of sexual intimacy. (Hence the term discussed earlier "premature ejaculation.")

Are you kidding me? Sixty five years and over 100 studies and they come up with what everyone already knows. Brilliant. According to those who wrote all of this up, those being on the Standards Committee of the International Society for Sexual Medicine, the hope from this "study" is that it will aid future diagnosis, treatment and, yes, more research. MORE research? Great. Stay tuned for that and look for the results in the year 2073.

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