Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Awesome, Famous, Super Happy Crayons!

Aaaahhhh.  That brand new crayon smell Quick! Name a color!

What color did you think of? Red? Blue? Green? Awesome. No, not your choice of color. The color. Awesome. The color is awesome. No, not YOUR color. THE color. A color. (If you ask me "Who's on first?" I'm going home.) The Crayola color. Thoroughly confused? Welcome to my world.

The good folks over yonder at the Monterey County Herald report With Built-In Sharpener!that Crayola (of all the crayons) is rolling out 8 new colors for the 50th anniversary of the box of 64 colors with the "Built-In Sharpener!" (The words "Built In Sharpener" MUST be followed by an exclamation point, as if it is the most innovative addition to a box of crayons since the individual slice was introduced to the loaf of bread.) If Crayola keeps coming up with names for these colors like the 8 they chose this time, they'll be lucky if the Built-In Sharpener! makes it to the 51st anniversary. That's because, according to Crayola (who I have always deferred to as the unofficial authority on things like colors and crayons, but not any more) "Awesome" is the new orange. Seriously.

OK, last time I checked, "awesome" wasn't a color. No, "awesome" is an adjective. (Technically, I suppose, the names of colors could be adjectives, but I'm not here to quibble, I'm here to bitch.) But orange isn't the only color that they've demoted. They've gone and messed with all the is right and proper in the universe. (I blame the astronomers who demoted Pluto. Everything was FINE with nine planets. Now there's eight. Well, maybe. Depends on who you ask. But see? There is now confusion where there wasn't any before. I see the same thing happening here. It's going to be chaos in the streets, I tell you. Oh, and after the Pluto debacle? Yeah, watch your back, February.)

Granted, when you're kid, you are a bit befuddled by "burnt umber" and "periwinkle" (often Flu Phlegm Green Crayonmistaken as "Bullwinkle" but usually only by moose and squirrel), but you know that they're colors. You don't have to worry about your bedtime story ending with "And they all lived burnt umber." You're going to have to worry about that NOW because one of the colors is "Happy Ever After." (Blue. It's blue.)

Aside from the fact that it's NOT A COLOR, "Happy Ever After" isn't even grammatically correct. And if you have to name something with the word "happy" in it's title, shouldn't the something be a color associated with actually being happy? Blue is not associated with being happy. Just ask all of those jazz musicians out there who are starving and playing the blues.

This isn't the first time that Crayola has f**ked with our crayons. During the 1980s and 1990s, Crayola started experimenting with the "non-traditional" names for it's colors (ie, not names of colors). Some of the names that they came up with were Asparagus, Purple Mountain's Majesty, Tickle Me Pink, Beaver, Manatee and Timber Wolf. Please note that you can make a reasonably logical guess as to what color you might have if someone said, "Would you likSpank Me Pink Crayone to color that pig with Tickle Me Pink?" or "Would you like the Asparagus crayon for that grass?" (I will admit, I got lost with Beaver and Manatee. Manatee...gray? Beaver...what color is a beaver?....Please don't make me go down for come up with an answer.) Names of colors you might remember like Green Blue or Blue Gray are no where to be found unless you've got a vintage box of crayons somewhere that is at least 30 years old. Once a color name is replaced, that's it. It's out of the box and into the Crayola Hall of Fame. (In other news, there's a Crayola Hall of Fame.)

But back to the new names. Here we go. In no particular order (because I haven't a freaking clue as to what color any of these are), the 8 new color names that aren't even the names of colors for colors of crayons that I cannot identify from the new names alone.....
  • Famous (I find people that are famous to be annoying. What color best defines annoying?)

  • Best Friends (I associate zero colors with my best friends. This color must be 'clear'.)

  • Awesome (Makes me feel the exact opposite of awesome.)

  • Giving Tree (I hope Crayola will think about "giving" this a different name.)

  • Fun in the Sun (Maybe yellow? I don't know. I can't have fun in the sun because I'm too busy figuring out which colors are which.)

  • Super Happy (Makes me Super Sad.)

  • Bear Hug (I think this is brown like a bear, but I'm thinking it could be brown as in that's what color your pants are going to be if a bear is hugging you.)

  • Happy Ever After (WTF happened to "happily ever after"? Is Crayola altering fairy tales and bedtime stories as well?)

Hey, Crayola! Here's a few suggestions I have for your next line of colors or colors that you can include in this box as well. They're pretty self explanatory.

  • WTF

  • WTH

  • OMG

  • LOL

  • BFD

By the way, according to Wikipedia, Beaver seems to be Brown. (So even though I don't HAVE to go diving around for any more information on that one, I thSpousal Abuse Black and Spousal Abuse Blue Crayonsink I'm going to anyway. You know, just to be sure. It never hurts to double check things. I'm just saying.) It is the equivalent of the 2004 Limited Edition color of "Alaska, Kodiak Brown Bear." Yes, that sounds ridiculous, but it's not as ridiculous as the color Black which is the equivalent of the 2004 Limited Edition color of "Illinois, Abe Lincoln's Hat"!

Alternative Crayon Names and Images Courtesy of Collegehumor.com

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