Sunday, May 11, 2008

MFADD - Musings From A Disappointing Day

Today's blurb would more fit in the category of "General Musings" than in the "Sarcastic Interpretations Of The World As I See It." But even so, the general musings will still be sarcastic interpretations of the world as I see it. They just won't center around a particular news item or bizarre story. That will return. (Come on! How long do you think I can be quiet about the woman with the 18th child on the way? Not much longer, I'll tell you that.) But you're pretty bright, I think you'll catch on as to why catharsis seemed to be appropriate for today (and at the very least, seemingly necessary).

There's a way to tell which TV sitcoms will be able to stand above the rest. The good TV sitcoms are able to take real life occurrences and explain them in comedic detail in such a way that the end result is a factual depiction of how things actually are. The more depressing and depraved topics will result in extremely amusing shows if done correctly. I think that's probably because that which is depressing and depraved has more than one element of humor to it which is often overlooked in favor of the depression and depravity. Today's depressing topic handled by great TV sitcoms is the demise of once promising relationships.
Apparently, when one person wants to end a relationship it is usually unbeknownst to the other individual beforehand. The person ending the relationship will somehow have come to the conclusion that the best way to end the relationship is indirectly. Actually, they come to the conclusion it's the second best way to end the relationship. The BEST way to end it is just to have the other person figure it out and never call again. But that rarely happens, so the individual is forced to go with option number two.

The other main characteristic of the relationship termination is that it must not be done immediately. No, the person who wants to end the relationship is seemingly required to mull over it in their own head (again, unbeknownst to the other individual) and eventually form the conclusion which they desire (ie, This isn't working. I should end this. Someday.) When they have fully convinced themselves that the relationship is over, then they will feel better about springing it on the other individual. This seems to serve the purpose of a) Feeling very sure about what you're doing because you've told yourself it's the right thing to do for at LEAST 4-5 weeks now, and b) You will have convinced yourself to the point that it doesn't matter what the other person says, you're done. You've BEEN done. (It's a bit unfortunate that, although you may have been working on this for quite some time that the other person has to play catch-up, but it's not about them now, is it?) And you are SO done that by the time you finally let the other person in on your little secret, you know it's just a matter of a very short amount of time before they're gone. Miserable in real life? True. But hil-arious on the small screen. Trust me. (On both counts.)

It's hard to say what purpose either of these two angles serves either individual. If you can't be direct (and direct is going to include "concrete" and "specific" for the purposes of this illustration) you're not doing anyone any favors. If you're the dumper, you're just prolonging the inevitable. Either that or hoping that the condition of "spineless" will be cured sooner rather than later. If you're not the dumper, then that means you're the dumpee and as the dumpee you're going to want the dumper to explain why it is that you are inadequate and insufficient enough to be further assimilated into their life (especially when they're the ones that invited you there in the first place) . Without a concrete or a specific answer, all that does is leave the dumpee thinking that they can figure things out and make things better. (Side note: Succeeding at this is, apparently, rarely the case. It's definitely not recently the case, that's for sure.)

The other aspect of the relationship ending is the amount of time that it takes. You would think that you would just want to get something like that over with as quick as you possibly can and be done with it. Walk away with your head held high (and always looking over your shoulder because you know that the person you just left on their ass is not real happy with you). Quickly, concisely and clearly. The ol' QCC. What's wrong with that? (The acronymization of groups of words is extremely painful right now. But they're too funny to stop using them.) I don't know either, but it seems as if the relationship dismissal takes at least two attempts before it is successful or completed because the QCC is not employed from the start. Who is this helping? Hard to say, yet it keeps happening.

And the part where it "keeps happening" is perpetuated by the infamous "lines" that are used during the breaking up or the relationship ending. (I'm not overly certain that "relationship ending" is any different than "breaking up", but in situations where it's hard to classify people as having been "together", the "relationship ending" seems to be a term that would fit. If you don't know what I'm referring to, that's great! Because that means that either a) you're totally unfamiliar with such a situation and the perils that accompany it or b) you didn't just dump me. Either one, very, very good.) The thing about the "lines" is this: They are used in a way to say one thing and to seemingly imply one thing, yet what they really mean is the exact opposite of what is said. This is where the comedy usually comes in the strongest. And the irony. Oh, the ironing. (See what I did there? Good.)
Let's look at a few examples of this from Seinfeld, shall we?


  • "Breaking up is like knocking over a coke machine. You can't do it in one push, you've got to rock a while and then it goes over" (See? Employ the ol QCC and this doesn't happen.)

  • "I've been searching for someone a long time. Well, the search is over! And now the search for the right psychiatrist begins." (And if you can recommend one, shoot me a message.)

  • "Why is nice bad? What kind of a sick society are we living in when nice is bad?" (Yeah, nice is irrelevant.)

  • "I wanted to talk about how we had nothing to talk about." (This could be my motto.)

  • "I've never heard of a relationship being affected by punctuation." (Although this one might not make a lot of sense to all seven six of you reading this, I'm sure that it is applicable to a close to home situation somehow.)

  • "I've driven women to lesbianism before, but never a mental institution." (This could be A motto.)

  • "I'm in the unfortunate position of having to consider other people's feelings."

  • "I think she finds my stupidity charming." (At first, perhaps. Don't count on it lasting.)

  • "This woman is bending my mind into a pretzel." Thus, I'm off to soak my head in mustard.)
  • No soup for you!

  • "Do? Do? Hey, I'm doing what I do. You know, I've always done what I do. I'm doing what I do, way I've always done and the way I'll always do it." (Death-to -relationship" thinking right here.)

  • "She thinks I'm a nice guy. Women always think I'm nice. But women don't want 'nice'" (Nope. Apparently they don't.)

  • "Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason." (Indeed.)

  • "It's not you, it's me.... You're giving me the 'It's not you, it's me' routine? I invented 'It's not you, it's me.' Nobody tells me it's them, not me. If it's anybody, it's me." (And even if you didn't invent "It's not you, it's me" and even if you didn't directly hear, "It's not you, it's me", trust me. It's you.)

And those are just from "Seinfeld", the show about nothing. When I switch over to "Friends", the show about something, then they really start to hit home (especially if you're the type who really liked the show and saw the wisdom behind the comedy to the point that you can find a parallel between almost any dilemma in real life and an episode of "Friends").


  • "Fine! Judge all you want to but, married a lesbian, left a man at the altar, fell in love with a gay ice dancer, threw a girl’s wooden leg in a fire, live in a box!!" (Translation: Mock my relationships all you want, it's not like y'all are setting any examples of what TO do here.)

  • " 'You're such a nice guy' means 'I'm going to be dating leather-wearing alcoholics and complaining about them to you.' " (It also means, 'There's nothing wrong with you, but I need something to be wrong.')

  • "I figured after work, I'd pick up a bottle of wine, go over there, and try to...woo her." "Hey, you know what you should do? Take her back to the 1880's when that phrase was last used." (At this particular junction, I'm going to have to advise against wooing with wine. It's fun while it lasts, but when it's over you just have this aversion to wine, not to mention all the wooing.)

  • " ‘It's like dating language. 'It's not you, it's me' means, 'It is you.' " (This is the case even if Friendsthat exact phrase isn't used. If this concept is used on you, it will likely take you a while before you a) figure this out, and b) figure out that they're not going to tell you that.)

  • " ‘We should do this again' loosely translated it means, ‘You will never see me naked.' " (Can also mean, "You will never see me naked again." Just depends on the context.)

  • "When he says we should see other people, it means, 'Ha ha, I already ‘am.' " ( While I find this to be extremely amusing, in all fairness, I cannot say that it relates or applies to anything I may or may not be referring to. It's just not the case and I can't imply that it is. But I can imply that this line is hil-arious. I might be currently bitter, but that doesn't mean I'm going to make stuff up.)

Chlorophyll bloom in the oligotrophic Pacific in Oct. 2000.  This bloom was approximately the size of the state of  New Mexico (not California). From the coolest oceanographer I know, GRL, 2003 and Wilson et al., J. Mar. Systems, 2006,  in pressClearly, I've had a disappointing day. Disappointment makes some (or me) do things that are apparently irritating. That was made abundantly clear. Oh, if only everything else could have been just as clear and straightforward. And as smarmy and sarcastic as that may sound, it's only because I'm hurting. And the hurt is just on top of the good stuff. (That's why it hurts. If it was bad, I wouldn't care.) And there was plenty of good stuff. That's why there's plenty of hurt. And I was right. I am going to miss you.

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Anonymous said...

It says in ur profile ur female..but i gotta tell ya...u write like a guy..which is probably why i find u so amusing...

Mare said...

I'm definitely female, but a compliment is a compliment, so thanks! And really, all that matters is that you find me amusing. You could have told me that I write like a mountain goat and I still would have thanked you, as long as you found the mountain goat amusing. Thanks.

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