Thursday, May 15, 2008

Fat's Incredible - Part Deux

Can you remember a few weeks ago when Broderick Laswell, of the Benton County Jail, filed a prisoner civil rights lawsuit that complained the jail doesn't provide enough food for the inmates. He based his complaint on the fact that he weighed a ridiculous 413 freaking pounds when he was arrested and jailed in September and by April he weighed 308 pounds. And, yes, he was complaining about having lost 105 pounds! (Maybe he's jealous that he won't get a chance to be in those Subway commercials when they start looked for a new Jared?) Well, here's an update on ol' Slim for you. Laswell was caught giving away his food.

According to reports provided by the jail, deputies witnessed Broderick Laswell on Thursday wrap a sandwich in toilet paper and attempt to slide it under a cell door. Yum! A Captain stated that he "witnessed Laswell wrap a bologna and mustard sandwich in toilet paper and conceal it against his right thigh while walking to the corner cell." (Well, if that doesn't make your mouth water, I don't know what will! I hope those Subway guys are paying attention! It's a marketing masterpiece!) The report said that "As Laswell went to slide the sandwich under the cell, (another officer) got on the intercom and asked him to bring the sandwich to him." (That has to be like God speaking out to you. All of a sudden, a loud voice booms out from overhead, "Bring me that sandwich!" You might pass out.) But Laswell didn't pass out. No, he did just what you would expect a 300+ pound inmate who has just wrapped a bologna and mustard sandwich in toilet paper and affixed it to his right thigh to do. He started to eat it. (Feel free to take a moment to go hurl. I'll be here when you get back. I'll be hurling as well, but I'll be here.)

Slim told the captain that he "was giving away his sandwich but was going to receive another one later." (Will the sandwich that he receives in trade have the same "savory right-thigh goodness" that his had? One can only hope so.) He wouldn't say WHO he was giving his sandwich to, but it doesn't matter because he later changed his story to say that he was walking around eating the sandwich. Yes, the one that was affixed to his right thigh. Yes, the one that he later tried to shove down his gullet after the booming voice made him sense that they might be onto his little plot. Yes, that is correct. (See, people that are in jail are not always the brightest bulbs on the tree.)

He then went into denial mode, typically seen in the behavior patterns of a five year old, and claimed that no one told him he couldn't trade food. (According to the report, "inmates are not authorized to trade food amongst themselves." I just want to know what in the hell he was trading it FOR. It's not like there's a huge variety over there. I doubt he was getting a steak in exchange. Was he hoping for a sandwich without thigh meat? I don't get it.) Well, whether he knew it or not, Slim received 10 days in lockdown and lost privileges as a punishment. (Sobbing softly is really not necessary.)

You might also remember that as part of Laswell's lawsuit, he was requesting hot meals, as the Benton County Jail has served only cold food for years. The meals the inmates are given average about 3,000 calories per day (without thighs) and, according to one of the officers at the jail, "The meals may not be steak, but they meet nutritional and state requirements." They also save a ton of money by doing it that way, which seems like a pretty good deal if you ask me. Or if you ask other taxpayers who are paying for Laswell's incarceration.


Of course, when Laswell is whining about not getting enough food, there isn't nearly enough time for him to talk about what he is currently incarcerated for. Perhaps he's afraid it might deter the focus away from the most important issue for him (That would be the food and the alleged lack of receiving enough to sustain the body weight of a healthy steer) if he mentioned that he and Brandon Lacy, 28, were arrested in September, 2007, in connection with the death of a Randall Walker, 47, in August and in October capital murder charges were filed against Laswell and Lacy.

And this guy wants more food? Good luck with that, dude. Oh, and here's a copy of the complaint that Laswell filed (courtesy of the good folks over at The Smoking Gun), for no other reason than it amuses me and I think you'll be amused as well. (Click to enlarge. I hope.)

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1 comment:

Anonymous said...

He is a fat bastard.