Sunday, May 25, 2008

New Meaning For Herbie The Love Bug

You know how it is when you have a car that you really like? I mean, it could be the biggest POS around and you just love it. Maybe it never breaks down or maybe it's one of those that you have to jam a screwdriver in where the ignition key would normally go in order for it to start or maybe you can always go at least another 50 miles once the gas light comes on. Whatever it is about that vehicle doesn't matter because you love it. Ever give that car you love a name? Do you always get it detailed when you have it washed? Make sure that you change the oil every 3,000 miles (sometimes every 2,500 just to be on the safe side)? Ever have sex with it? Wait. What?

Meet Edward Smith. He's 57 and is currently living in Washington state with his "girlfriend", a white Volkswagen Beetle named "Vanilla". Now, when I say "girlfriend", I'm not talking in the hypothetical sense. I'm talking strictly in the biblical sense. You know, Adam and Eve. Well, if Adam were the dude and Eve were a car and Adam and Eve needed to populate the earth with their human-vehicle hybrid offspring. Yeah, if I were talking about it like that it would be exactly the same. And equally as frightening. (Right about now, the name "Herbie the Love Bug" has just taken on a whole new (and wrong) meaning.)

Mr. Smith has admitted (yes, admitted) to having had sex (yes, sex) with over 1,000 cars (yes, 1,000 cars). He says, "I appreciate beauty and I go a little bit beyond appreciating the beauty of a car only to the point of what I feel is an expression of love." OK, dude, I understand the point you're trying to make, but when you're talking about boinking an AUTOMOBILE made out of METAL, the phrase "only to the point" really downplays the whole thing quite a bit, don't you think?

Now, look, personal preference (and normality) aside, I don't even know how this would be possible! I mean, I get certain aspects of it (you'd never need lube, for starters), but then what? Where exactly is he...? I mean....Where does the...?...What plays the role of her....?......How does it....?....So many questions....So not sure if I want answers to them. All right, I want one question answered. Is this considered to be "safe sex" or does he need a condom? Oh, wait. I was wrong. I don't want to know. Never mind.

Mr. Smith insists that he isn't "sick" and he does not intend to change, nor does he have any desire to change, his ways. "Maybe I'm a little bit off the wall but when I see movies like Herbie and Knight Rider, where cars become lovable, huggable characters it's just wonderful." Again, you have articulated your position clearly. However, you really have to lay off using the term "maybe", as in, "Maybe I'm a little bit off the wall." It's not so much that you're "off the wall" that has others concerned, sir. It's the fact that you're "in the car" (literally!) that is sounding alarms!

Mr. Smith also says that, "I'm a romantic. I write poetry about cars, I sing to them and talk to them just like a girlfriend. I know what's in my heart and I have no desire to change." Very nice sentiments, I'm sure, but Mr. Smith has definitely not had a girlfriend in quite some time, as "singing" and "talking" to them are not as common as he seems to think. And what his heart is into is his business. But again, it's what his business is into that causes people to flee in horror.

I know you will be shocked, just shocked, to learn that Mr. Smith has never been attracted to women OR men. But maybe you'll be surprised (or not) to learn that he hasn't just been attracted to cars. Oh, no, he has a thing for other vehicles of transport as well. In fact, he claims that his "most intense sexual experience was "making love" to the helicopter from 1980s TV hit Airwolf. " Airwolf. Who was in that? Oh, right. Jan-Michael Vincent and Ernest Borgnine. How hot.

I wonder how Mr. Smith would feel if he learned that after Airwolf left the airwaves, his lover, otherwise known as "the helicopter", was sold to a German firm where it flew as an air ambulance. Well, it flew until June 9, 1992 when it crashed during a thunderstorm and killed all three crew members aboard. Yeah, see? Ernest Borgnine is looking a little bit better after that tidbit of trivia now, isn't he?

As far as how all of this developed for Mr. Smith, he says, "It's something that grew as a part of me when I was a kid and I could not shake it. (Perhaps he should have tried shaking it and maybe then he wouldn't need to do it to a car!) I just loved cute cars right from the beginning, but over the years it got stronger once I got into my teenage years and was my first having sexual urges. (Everyone has sexual urges when they're a teenager. But we tend to use the car as a place to have sex, not a someone to have sex with!) When I turned 13 and the famous Corvette Stingray came about, that car was pure sex and just an incredible machine. I wanted it. (It was pure sex and we all wanted a Corvette. But you know what we did instead? We went and had sex with another person!) I didn't fully understand it myself except that I know I'm not hurting anyone and I do not intend to. (A statement of intent that I can honestly say I'm grateful for.) There are moments way out in the middle of nowhere when I see a little car parked and I swear it needs loving. There have been certain cars that attracted me and I would wait until night time, creep up to them and just hug and kiss them. ( Oh, a statement that I can honestly say I could have done without.) As far as women go, they never really interested me much. (Again, I'm sure you're shocked, just shocked, at that revelation.) And I'm not gay. (I'm not sure why he felt the need to throw that in. I associate a lot of things with being gay, but having sex with cars has NEVER been one of them."

OK, so have we learned anything other than to NEVER buy a used lover car from this guy? Is it one of those times when we've learned a bit too much? Yeah, I think so too. I suddenly feel the need to go and tell my truck that, although I love it, I will never, EVER violate it.

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