Wednesday, May 28, 2008

How Many Sausages Are In Your Pants?

Florida AgainWhat the hell is going on down there in Florida? Why am I writing about another beef jerky theft?!?! Why, oh why?!!

This time, in Port. St. Lucie, a man stuffed 23 packs of Slim Jim beef jerky and "hot sMarathon Gas Home of Tasty Beef Jerkyausages" down his pants and subsequently punched a man at the Marathon Gas Station where the dried beef treats were being pilfered from. (What in the hell is wrong with people?) Twenty three? Good God. How do you steal twenty three packs of beef jerky? Was he wearing a barrel? And on top of that, Slim Jims? You know, a "slim jim" is also the name of one of those long, thin metal tools that you use to unlock your car door when you lock the keys inside. But that doesn't work if you're trying to do that with one of the meat treats. Yeah, that will just leave a greasy smudge on the window and you still won't have your keys. But you will have a snack!

So, a one Jerry Boston, Jr., 23 (and wise for his age, I'm sure), was arrested and charged with theft and battery. The theft charge arising after the officer reported finding $25 worth of "meat products" inside of the man's pants. (I find it kind that the officer referred to the beef jerky as a "meat product", as I've always felt that the "meat" part of the "jerky" was always a little bit questionable.) The assault charge arose after one of the bystanders at the gas station told the officers that Boston punched him four times "for no reason". You know, I'd have to imagine that have 23 packs of beef jerky in one's trousers would make a guy do some crazy things.

Jerry Boston, Jr. Beef Thief

Mmmm...Slim JimsAccording to the clerks, when Boston entered the store, he went to the "meat section" (again, putting beef jerky in the "meat section"? Very generous.) and the clerks heard some "rustling around". Now they DO rustle cattle, from which the jerky is made. But the problem with that theory is that at that point, the cattle are long past the days when they could even be rustled. Thus, the clerks grew suspicious.

And when he came to the counter to pay for one of the hot sausages they saw "five more sausages sticking out of his pants." (Now there's a sentence I never thought I'd say.) One of the clerks tried to call the police and that's when Boston called her a lesbian and told her to "be cool". (Hey, that's just what the article said! But I, for one, would really like to have actually heard that conversation, because I can't imagine that's totally accurate. Although, this guy seems to be a pretty dim bulb, so who knows? But it just makes me laugh to think of this salt beef thief saying something to the effect of,Slimmer Jims "Yo, lesbian! Be cool!") According to the clerk who was not called a lesbian, "He's like 'Oh, oh, oh, I have to have these! George Bush is charging my rent double and I can't afford these and my kids have to eat.' " Of course! He needed the beef snacks to feed the Slimmer Jims! The Little Jimmies! We should have known. (Loser.)

But fortunately, the police caught up with Boston before he could make a clean and meaty getaway....on his red bicycle.

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2 comments:

Anonymous said...

hey, he doesnt even have kids, they were his girlfriends, and as for the conversation it went something like hey you are just a lesbian and need to find god, so let me go oh oh oh because george bush is doubling my rent and my children need to eat, i feel bad for you, you just dont know how a black man gets put down, i cant even get some food for my kids, then he took off on his 12inch red kids bike as the cops were on their way

Mare said...

Wow. Um, OK, sure that makes it sound MUCH better! Thanks for reading!