Loophole!

If I were a lawyer (and I think that we can all breathe a sigh of relief that I am not), I think that I could help this woman that was arrested in Florida (of course) the other day.  I'm pretty sure that I could get her off on a fairly glaring, yet rather subtle, technicality.  See if you follow me here. 

What we have is a 400-pound woman, a one 52-year old Patricia McCollum, who was sitting at a bus stop in Fort Lauderdale.  She allegedly decided that she needed to change clothes, perhaps to something more summery as the seasons have changed, and felt that the best place to do so was right there at the bus stop.  She is currently sans home, so I guess that changing right in the middle of everything was the best that she felt that she could do?  I don't know.  Me, I'm thinking, what's the rush?  Wait until it's dark outside before you go off doing something like that.  Find someplace besides a bus stop for cryin' out loud.  Other people sit on that thing.  I'm pretty sure they don't want someone's bare arse on it.  But I digress. 

So you've got a naked, homeless, 400 pounder at a bus stop.  Naturally, she got arrested.  The charge?  According to UPI, she was charged with "...exposure of sexual organs in public".  Hold it.  Wait just a minute there.  Exposure of sexual organs?  For real?  Is that even possible with a 400-pound woman sitting on a bus bench?  I'm not so sure that it is!  I'm not so sure that would be possible without some sort of a series of levers and pulleys in order for things to be exposed.  400 pounds is a whole lotta woman.  And while she may not have been clothed, I'm going to go ahead and guess that her sexual organs were not exposed to anyone (and probably haven't been for quite some time).  

I realize it might not be the best defense anyone has ever come up with, but it certainly can't be the worst one either.  And really, the solution to things like this is to simply not change your clothes in public no matter how much you weigh.  But I'm thinking that if someone weighs 400 pounds and is naked in public, you're going to have to come up with something a little bit more applicable than "exposure of sexual organs in public"  because that simply didn't happen.  Naked or not, it didn't happen.  

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That's Not A Doctor

I'm always amazed when I hear stories about fake doctors or dentists who have been operating a "practice" out of their garage or their kitchen or something like that. Someone trying to pretend that they're a doctor doesn't surprise me. People actually going to a fake doctor and seeing that their waiting room is a backyard patio and then sticking around for them to do their fake doctoring are the ones who amaze me. Because the way I see it, you can't be a successful fake doctor without at least a few willing participants. Take this dealio that happened in, naturally, Florida.

According to the Daily Mail, a one Oneal Ron Morris is accused of "...injecting a woman's bottom with cement, super glue and tyre sealant to give her a more 'shapely' rear". Wait a minute. How would those things give someone a better looking ass? Tire sealant? Is that Fix-A-Flat?! Just because someone has a flat ass doesn't mean that inflating it with a chemical sealant is going to work! And someone actually hired this guy? I can't imagine why. Maybe he just has one of those faces that you can trust. Yeah, maybe that's it. Oh. Wait. Here's a picture of him. Yeah, that's not it. Behold!
Hold on. That's a dude?! In what way is that a dude?! And if it is a guy, what is wrong with his ass?! Are we sure this is him? We are? Is there another picture just so we can be sure? There is? Behold!


Oh, well, that's not helping. Holy canoli, look at the size of that thing. That's not normal for a man OR a woman (or whatever that is). So let me get this straight. Someone goes to this "guy" for a butt enhancement. The allegedly male "doctor" comes out looking like this and the patient STILL goes through with it?! Are you kidding me?! WHY on earth would you let this individual do ANYTHING to you? If I were looking to have my buttocks enhanced (and I'm not, thanks) and this dude came walking out, I'd run out of his garage so fast. Wow. And I'm guessing that his "patient" is surprised that something went horribly wrong after her "procedure". I'm thinking that person can be anything but surprised. Surprise should be reserved for when one of these fake doctors does something like this and nothing overly bad happens. That's the surprising part.

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Worst Defense Ever

The Casey Anthony trial has finally started. In case you're not familiar, Casey Anthony is a 25-year old scumbag (I'm being subjective here, but it's likely to turn out to be a factual subjectiveness) who claimed that her 2-year old daughter was abducted by a babysitter in 2008. Yet she didn't call the police. In fact, she never called the police. (There was also never a babysitter.) She admitted to her mother that her kid was gone and then her mother called the police about a month later. Then about a bazillion people spent about five months looking for the little girl, only to find her dead. Shocking, I know. Casey Anthony has been appropriately charged with multiple atrocities like capital murder, aggravated child abuse, aggravated manslaughter of a child and misleading law enforcement. Naturally, she does what scumbags of her type tend to do and has pleaded not guilty this entire time. The prosecution is seeking the death penalty. And fortunately, since this is all in Florida, they actually execute people down there. So if the jury can do its job effectively, this chick is going to get what is coming to her.

Opening statements roll around yesterday and her camp offered up a rather surprising and excruciatingly lame excuse for all of these shenanigans which resulted in one dead toddler. See, the defense said that the little girl drowned. And instead of calling 911, Casey just panicked. Oh, and they're also claiming that her dad was there and helped her dispose of the body. Wow. Way to go. Try and bring down your dad in the process. OK, then.

What kind of an excuse is that, anyway? I guess it's the excuse of someone who is extremely desperate. It's lame as hell, though. Are they aware that the standard is "reasonable doubt", with the key word being "reasonable"? Idiotic, mouth-breathing, paste eating doubt is not a standard. And that's what you would be upholding if you were to actually believe that load of crap. But I guess if you're a defense attorney and your client is so obviously guilty that you know that it's a lost cause, I guess you just say whatever you can .

That's probably the reason for her defense attorney saying, "We're not here to talk about how inappropriate Casey acted." Hmm. You know, you can say that, but in reality, it is exactly why you are there. All of the inappropriate murdering of your own child (allegedly) is exactly what you should be talking about. CBS News also reports that their case "...will have a lot to do with the meter reader who found Caylee Anthony's remains". Oh, good. I'm sure that he'll enjoy that. I'm sure that he'll enjoy being made out to be something other than just the guy that found the body of a toddler. As if that wasn't bad enough, now he gets to listen to some defense attorney make up stuff (allegedly) in order to try and save his seemingly obviously guilty client. Nice.

Apparently, the proceedings are being televised. I'll be tuning in every now and then to see how this goes. Especially when the defense has their turn. That should be entertaining. I'll definitely tune in for the verdict. Watching that chick find out that she's guilty and no one bought her unlikely tale of events will be very enjoyable for me. You go, Florida. This might be the one thing that I can count on you for.

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Just Say No

I'm not necessarily against scams. The thing about most scams is that it's fairly obvious they're scams. It's a wonder (to me, anyway) that they ever work in the first place. Therefore, as a proponent of "A fool and his money are soon parted", I have a hard time being overly sympathetic toward people who get taken to the cleaners by people who aren't even cleaners. You need to pay attention. If it's too good be true, it probably freaking is! Thus, don't do it! And I know that some softhead out there is going to be thinking "What about the elderly?" The elderly need to pay attention to! I understand that they're all nice and want to help and always have those weird peppermint candies in their purse that they're always trying to give away, but that's no reason to try to take advantage of them. They need to THINK. (And this is coming from someone (me) with an elderly mother. Lemme tell you, that old broad isn't going to help anyone with anything. And that could not make me happier. I don't know if it's because she doesn't want to get scammed or just because she's mean, but I really don't care. It's an effective strategy against evil-doers.)

But not everyone has any sort of built in B.S. beacon in their head. Let's look at a story from the Orlando Sentinel. Yes, it should come as no surprise that this goes on in Florida, but it can (and does) happen anywhere. Here's the scam: Someone who is over 60 years old and Hispanic is approached by two Spanish speaking people. The two people tell the person that they are in possession of a winning lottery ticket. How exciting! To make it even more exciting, it is, of course, a multi-million dollar lottery ticket! Oh, but then comes the sad news. The sad news is that the lucky couple are in this country illegally. See? Sad! But the person (about to be known as "The one with no more money") can help make this situation not so sad by cashing the ticket for the Spanish speaking foreigners.

Now, to me, I can see that situation occurring. The part about where a couple of illegals buy a lottery ticket and win the friggin' thing. I can also see them needing someone else to cash the ticket for them. Both of those things make perfect sense to me. Everything else, however, does not. They don't have any friends who are legal? What about the nice lady at the welfare office who I'm sure helps them get benefits? She couldn't do it? (These are rhetorical questions because, as you know, the whole situation is fake. Please don't email me with answers to these questions. I understand. You, on the other hand, clearly do not. I'm surprised you even read this blog. Grateful, but surprised.) The other thing that doesn't make any sense to me is why they need money first. The part that doesn't make a lick of sense to me at all is why anyone would give it to them first.

Yes, for some reason, this scam involves the person withdrawing a ton of money from their bank account and then giving it to the scammers. In turn, the scammers give the person the lottery ticket and then take them to a grocery store where they can turn it in. It's when the person is inside and finding out that the ticket is worthless that the scammers have drove away, likely never to be seen again, and taken all of the scamees money with them. In the most recent case, it was $14,500. What a bunch of a-holes.

Does the person deserve to lose that money? Well, I'm not trying to be a royal jackass here, but they kind of do! It's a pretty easy nut to crack in this instance. What say you check what the winning numbers are BEFORE you go taking every dime you have out of savings? Is that so far out of someone's realm of problem solving skills that it would have never occurred to them? And if so, WHY is that?! Why would you not question why they need YOUR money first? Apparently, it was for "collateral". I'm not giving someone ALL of my money for freaking collateral. And if you're someone who considers giving all of YOUR money to someone you've never met who isn't even in this country legally, you might deserve to lose that money. I'm just saying. Granted, I am also wondering how someone who could fall for something like this could have been able to amass that kind of money in the first place, as their dense, dense way of thinking doesn't seem like it would allow for the accumulation of riches.

And even though I've just explained my stance on the scamees, don't take that to mean that I am perfectly OK with people being scammers. I am not. Those who prey upon older people are the scum of the earth and should be treated in such a manner. People like that are not fit to breathe the air that is inhaled by humans. I despise people like that. Despise. But the only reason, the only reason that their scams can work at all is through the cooperation of those who are being scammed. If those people would just stop and think things through for a few moments, I really think that things would turn out a lot better in the end for everyone. Well, except for the scammers. But then again, that is the point!

According to the article "Many do not report the thefts out of embarrassment and fear their adult children will think they are senile". Yes, I can understand that. If my mom told me that she gave all of her money to a couple of Spanish speaking shysters, do you know what the first question I would ask her would be? Naturally, it would be "I didn't know you spoke Spanish." But after that? I would absolutely be questioning her state of mind. Why can't these people think of these things before they make these completely ill-advised moves? Why can't they just think, "If I get taken, my kids are going to be looking at homes for me. I'll be completely embarrassed AND broke. Maybe I won't give my life savings to two people I've never met who can't even follow our immigration laws. Yeah, maybe I won't do that." I don't get that. I doubt I ever will. Why are people so eager to help people that they've never met? I hardly want to help anyone. Maybe more people should adopt my surly attitude about goodwill toward men. It's not always overly pleasant, but there would be a lot less of this sort of thing happening, that's for sure.

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Home Plate Is Over Here, Sir

You've heard of the term "Throws like a girl"? Yeah, well, there needs to be a new saying. Something along the lines of "Throws like Charlie Crist". Yes, Charlie Crist, the perpetually orange governor of Florida threw out the first pitch for Game 2 between the Tampa Bay Rays and the Texas Rangers. OK, technically he threw out the first pitch. I don't know if you can call what he did a pitch. I'm also not real sure that it technically qualifies as throwing. Granted, he kind of got the ball as far as home plate. Kind of. And if the guy hadn't caught it, he would have also gotten the ball clear up in the 3rd base bleachers. Good Lord, it was so bad. So, so bad. But don't take my word for it. See for yourself.

See what I mean? What happened there? Oh, well. He can look at it this way: At least it took some of the focus off of his unnatural orange hue for a while.

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J-Lo Induced Arson

I guess if you're going to watch a movie with your wife, it's probably a good idea to make sure that the movie doesn't contain an actress which will cause said wife to burn your boat, burn your go-kart, burn your jacuzzi and threaten to put your dogs to sleep. Wait. What now?

Correct. Naturally, this took place in Flori-duh. And as we learn from the NWF Daily News, there's all sorts of strange going on in this one. What we have here is a one 34-year old and old enough to know better Shannon Wriska of Milton, Florida, who had watched a movie with her husband, a one Robert Wriska. While we do not know which movie they watched, we do know that it starred Jennifer Lopez. We later learn that Mrs. Wriska is not a fan of the J-Lo, as evidenced by her wacky behavior after the unknown movie. (In her indefensible defense, if she was somehow forced to sit through the God awful Gigli, I can understand being a tad bit irate. It's time out of your life that you'll never get back.)

According to the police report, "Robert stated his wife was very jealous of the actress and did not like him seeing her in the movie. He said an argument ensued over the ...and Shannon later left the house". Very jealous of the actress? Look, I'm not defending this nutjob, but did Robert have any part in perpetuating the jealousy? Any comments like "I wish you looked like her" or "I'd divorce you and marry her in a second"? Anything like that? It still doesn't justify what happened later, but it would lend just a bit of understanding to the seemingly disturbed woman. (And she left? Really? Over J-Lo on the TV? It's not like J-Lo was in their living room. But she left anyway. Hmm. OK, then.)

Now, would you think that a normal person would still be mad about this the next day? (It IS a movie, after all. And really, it's Jennifer Lopez. She's hot and all, don't get me wrong, but I just don't see what folks see in her past the obvious attractiveness.) The key phrase there would be "normal person", which Mrs. Wriska does not seem to be. That's because the next day, when she saw Robert drinking over at their neighbor's house (Oh, come on! Like you couldn't figure out that alcohol was going to be involved in this! Please! I've taught you better than that, haven't I?), Shannon then walked outside of their trailer (And don't you even try to tell me that you didn't see it coming that they lived in a trailer, either! You knew it! I knew it! We all knew it! There had to be alcohol AND a trailer involved!) and "...started pulling hoses off of the motor of his go-kart and lit it on fire". (All right. I didn't really see the go-kart coming into the picture, but I can't say I'm overly surprised at this point.)

As Robert tried to put out the flames on his beloved kart "...he saw Shannon drive away in her vehicle with his dogs, saying she was going to “put them to sleep"." Oh, yeah. That's real normal there. What is wrong with you, ma'am? Seriously. What kind of crazy, drunken, J-Lo hating, go-kart torching woman does such a thing? Probably the same kind of woman who also tries to torch a boat after the go-kart owner resumes drinking beer with the neighbor.

Seriously? Seriously. After Robert went back over to the neighbor's (probably for some much, much needed alcohol) "...someone came in the house and said that Shannon was lighting Robert’s boat on fire and that she was attempting to light a Jacuzzi on fire by pouring gasoline inside of it". (I'm kind of impressed (or amused) that they live in a trailer in Flori-duh and yet have plenty of toys. Go-karts, boats, Jacuzzis, the works. Why the trailer, folks?) Can we just presume that the jacuzzi was empty when she was pouring gasoline inside of it? In this case? Umm...probably not.

As you would imagine (or at least, hope) Shannon was later arrested. When being interviewed at the jail, "...she stated both she and her husband had been fighting throughout the night of Sept. 1 and into the following day. Shannon said Robert called her several times, verbally “harassing” her." Oh, no. Not verbally "harassing" her! You're going to get yourself a go-kart burnin' if you keep that up! Or will you? She also stated that "...Robert lit the go-kart on fire, and (she) didn’t admit to lighting anything on fire." Of course she didn't. Noooo. That boat and that Jacuzzi just spontaneously combusted. And of course he would light his own go-kart on fire. Sure, that makes sense. Or maybe it doesn't. What makes more sense is never watching a movie with Jennifer Lopez in it if this woman is anywhere around you. Oh, and by the way. She looks just like you think she does. Behold!

Told you so.

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Is That A Burrito In Your Pants Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

I almost hesitate to start off with a quote from the article over there at WFTV.com in (of course) Orlando, Flori-duh. I mean, it sums things up really well, but I don't know if I can do any better than what they've already wrote. Some acts are hard to follow and this might just be one of them. I guess I'd better suck it up and give it a shot. Here we go...Today we learned that "The Brevard County doctor who was arrested for groping a woman while dressed as Captain America with a burrito in his pants will not go to jail." See what I mean?

Wait. Captain America? With a...a...burrito? Was it? I don't know that I really want to know, but I know that I really have to ask. What in the hell was he doing with a burrito in his pants? Was it a snack for later? Good Lord, I certainly hope not. Let's continue and see if we can noodle this one through, shall we?

The article that I linked to is rather brief. It does say, however, that "...Doctor Raymond Adamcik will take part in a diversion program for first time offenders". There is a program for people dressed like superheroes with a south-of-the-border delicacy cradled within their undergarments?! Don't get me wrong. Those people are definitely in need of some sort of program. I'm just stunned that one exists, is all. What do you call that, anyway? Never mind. I'm not sure that any of us really want to know.

The circumstances are a bit vague if I'm just referring to that article as well. And really, the circumstances that are cited raise more questions than they seem to answer. When I read, "Adamcik was arrested in April during a bar crawl for medical professionals", I really want to know more. Not much more, but more. For instance, what sort of medical professionals go on a bar crawl dressed as wacky superheroes? That seems like a fairly relevant question for one to pose, doesn't it?

I did find another story over at WFTV.com that gave a few more details on what in the world went on in the first place (which was in 2007, by the way. Why this has taken so long is beyond me.). See, "Everything was fine until...Captain America started getting too forward with a burrito he kept tucked inside his blue tights." The fact that he was there at all with a burrito in his pants, regardless as to which defender of truth, justice and the American way he was dressed as, really doesn't indicate everything was fine.

And it went from "not fine" to "effing weird" really quickly. The doctor (yes, he's really a doctor) "...was asking women if they want to touch it. When one refused, he allegedly took out the burrito and groped her." Ah, yes. The ol' "Wanna touch my burrito?" pick up line. I'm surprised it ended as poorly as it did. Seems like such a winner.

After the woman called the police, there was kind of a problem. See, "...there were so many cartoon characters in the bar at the time, all Captain America's were asked to go outside for a possible identification." It's not likely he would have been able to get away with it, as "The woman pointed out Adamcik and the burrito was found in his boot." In his boot?! What the hell kind of boots does Captain America have where you can shove a burrito in them? What else was in there? Did they find any chalupas? (No, that's not a euphemism.) While I don't know about the chalupas, I do know that I found a mugshot of Captain Gordita Grundle there. Behold!

Charming. Do we have it in color? Maybe a little closer up? Of course we do. Behold!
It still isn't clear why it took three years to resolve, but the article did state that after the arrest "Adamcik was checking himself into a rehab program ". There are rehab programs for something like this?! For reals?? Then again, I guess if there are rehab programs for made up crap like sex addiction, I guess I shouldn't be surprised that there are rehab programs for tucking Mexican delicacies within the coverings of one's nether regions. I shouldn't be surprised. But I kind of am. Just a little bit. A little.

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No Today Show Excuses, Please

If you have a friend or a family member who commits a heinous crime (I mean, if they're accused of allegedly committing a heinous crime) do you know what your role is in the whole ordeal when the media comes calling for your take on the matter? Let me give you a hint. It's the same as it is even if the media doesn't come calling for what you have to say on the matter. That's right. You just pipe down and say nothing at all. And if you have to say anything, you sure as hell had better not say anything in defense of the person who has allegedly committed the act in question. We don't want to hear that.

Case in point would be that of a one Wayne Treacy, a 15-year old in Deerfield Beach, Florida who has been accused (mainly because he did it) of putting on a pair of steel-toed boots, texting at least one friend that he was going to kill 15-year old Josie Ratley, bicycling three miles from his Pompano Beach home to the middle school, asking a 13-year-old friend to point Ratley out to him, and attacking Ratley at a school bus stop after she allegedly sent him a text message that made fun of his brother's death. This according to the one Sun-Sentinel. That's pretty harsh.

15-year old Josie Ratley managed to survive the attack, but the term "survive" might just be relative to the situation. As you can imagine, she's not exactly in the best of shape right now. She's in a medically induced coma and has had part of her skull removed to deal with the swelling in her brain. (And when there's the ol' brain swell, you know that the likely outcome is going to be anything but swell.) So, this must have seemed like an opportune moment for the family of a-hole Wayne to go on the Today show and give a half-ass apology interspersed with rationale for why he did what he did. Yeah, don't do that.

Apparently, a one Donna Powers, the a-hole's mother, offered up to Josie's mother/family, "I know the pain you're going through." Say what? You know the pain that the kid's mom is going through? I'm sorry, ma'am, but has your child been savagely attacked and beaten senseless by one of his peers? No? Then I don't think you should be offering up the notion that you DO know what that's like. I'm guessing you have NO clue as to what it's like. I'm guessing that anyone who has not had their child almost beaten to death by another child also doesn't know what she's going through. Why would you say that? That's just idiotic.

The a-hole's stepfather, a one Carey Smith, was also on the Today show and said that the a-hole"....would like to apologize to Josie and her family. He's real remorseful about it." Really? Remorseful? He's 15-years old and sitting in a cell at juvenile hall because he nearly killed a girl by kicking her in the head with his steel toed boots. And he's "remorseful"? What is that supposed to mean, exactly, sir? I mean, according to the folks over there at True Crime Report after a teacher pulled the a-hole off of Josie, he managed to shoot off a text to a friend of his that said "Hey, I think I'm going to prison, I think I just killed someone." Huh. I guess the remorse hadn't set in just then, eh? Yeah, probably not.

Smith went on to pretty much justify the a-hole's behavior by saying, "He had a lot on his plate for a 15-year-old. How would you like to be 15 and find your only brother hanging from a tree?" See, apparently, a-hole's brother had killed himself by hanging himself about a year ago. And allegedly what set off this whole thing was some sort of text message from Josie to the a-hole in regard to his brother's death. Sure. That's a reasonable response. Hey, a-hole's stepfather! Were you getting your stepson any sort of help for all of that stuff that he had on his plate? No? OK, then. Good parenting. Anything else?

Of course there was something else. "According to Powers, the beating was out of character for her son, who she believes snapped during the argument." So, let me get this straight. Your son doesn't make it a habit of hunting people down and kicking them in the head with his steel toed boots? That's NOT normal for him? Oh, OK. That makes sense then. Wait. NO! It doesn't! She also said, "That's not Wayne's nature. He's not a bully." Yeah, see, no one said anything about being a bully. What we're talking about is being an a-hole. And bully or not, it doesn't matter at this point. What's done was done by your son and there really isn't anything that you can say or should say that would justify it or explain it because it is, in just about every sense, completely inexplicable that someone would do this.

Smith added that "...his stepson is a "good kid" and a "normal 15-year-old boy" who is "well liked in the neighborhood" and had never lashed out at anybody before the beating." Yeah, see, you're wrong, sir. Your stepson is obviously not a good kid. He is obviously not a normal 15-year old boy. And you have a lot of audacity to even suggest such a thing. What is wrong with you? Plenty, I gather.

If your kid does something like this, it's really best if you just keep your ass off of the Today show. If your kid does something like this, it's really best if you just say nothing. But in the case where you feel compelled to say something, what say you don't make excuses for your kid, OK? What say you just apologize profusely and then slink away? But really, we'd all appreciate it if you'd just pipe down and not go on national television offering half-ass apologies for the actions of your offspring, OK? OK, then.

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That Was A Close Shave

Flori-duh. It's the gift that keeps on giving. Florida continues to keep it's deathgrip on the title of America's wackiest state. And it's awesome. I couldn't make this stuff up, nor would I even dare to hope for stuff this good. And seriously, this one? Oh, this one is good, all right. When I say things like "most people probably shouldn't vote", these folks are who I'm talking about.

We're going down to the Florida Keys where keysnews.com reports on a two car accident that was caused, in part, by the inattention of one of the drivers. Now, if you're thinking "texting while driving", you'd be wrong. Good guess, but far from the case in this instance. You're going to need to think of something a whole heck of a lot less normal than texting while driving in order to fully grasp what it was which had this driver's attention and played a key role in the crash. You know what? Go ahead and think of something really wacky and so not normal that you're going to have a hard time figuring out how it was occurring, much less why it was occurring, all right? All rightee then.

It would seem that a one 37-year old (and old enough to know better) Megan Mariah Barnes was driving "...her 1995 Thunderbird at 11 a.m. when they slammed into the back of a 2006 Chevrolet pickup." At the time of the accident, while Ms. Barnes was in the driver's seat, she did not exactly have control over the vehicle. That is because (brace yourselves) she was having her ex-husband (who was sitting in the passenger's seat) steer the car for her. You see, she was preoccupied with other things. Things such as shaving her privates. Wait. What now?

Correct. Ms. Barnes was in the middle of shaving her genital area whilst her car hurtled 40mph+ down the road as her ex-husband steered it (and steered it poorly, from what I can gather). Now, wait! Before you go getting all judgmental here or anything, let me explain why. Oh, that's right. There's a reason that she was doing this. See, she "...was meeting her boyfriend in Key West and wanted to be ready for the visit." She was what now?

Actually, let's just hold on for just a minute here. Let's take a look at what Ms. Barnes looks like in her mugshot, shall we? I've gotta say that she looks pretty much like I would have figured. She just has that "I was shaving my cootchie on the way to the Keys" look about her for some reason. Behold!

See? About what you pictured? I told you. Anyway, let's move on. So, she has her ex-husband in the car with her on the way to meet her boyfriend. Her ex-husband is assisting her in this odd, odd little endeavor from over there in the passenger seat? Really? There aren't a whole lot of things that I'd do for any of my exes, but of the things that I would actually consider doing, this would never even come close to being one of them. ("Honey? Will you take the wheel for a moment? I need to shave my private area so that my new boyfriend will be pleased with the state of my genitalia?" "You want me to drive while you shave your privates? Sure. No problem. Can I lather you up?" Yeah, that's a conversation I can guarantee that I'm never having with anyone. Ex or current!)

The article goes on to say that Ms. Barnes "...was not supposed to be driving and her 1995 Ford Thunderbird was not supposed to be on the road." It would appear that only the day before this ridiculous incident Ms. Barnes "...was convicted...of DUI with a prior and driving with a suspended license." She was then "...ordered to impound her car, and her driver's license was revoked for five years, after which time she must have a Breathalyzer ignition interlock device on any vehicle she drives." On top of that, she "...was sentenced to nine months' probation." OK, then. This woman should never be behind the wheel. She definitely shouldn't be behind the wheel with a razor, but then again, neither should anyone!

Here's another bit of amusement from this vat of weirdness: After the collision, the woman continued to drive for about another half mile. That's when, since she didn't have a valid license and all, she switched seats with her ex-husband, a one Charles Judy. And before I continue, I just want to question this relationship. I don't know how it is that she has such a hold on this guy that she could get him to steer for her while she shaves her genitals on her way to meet her boyfriend, and then to switch seats with her so that he could be at fault for the accident and leaving the scene?! I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest that he grow a pair. Mind you, I'm not going to suggest that he shave them while he drive, but I am going to suggest the growing of said pair. Now, where was I? Oh, right. The trooper.

Now, according to the trooper, a one Trooper Gary Dunick, "She jumps in the back seat and he moves over. It was like the old comedy bit, 'Who's on first?' " Um, excuse me? Sir, I've heard the old comedy bit "Who's on first?" It was NOTHING like that. Nothing at all! I'm pretty sure that neither Abbott, NOR Costello, ever shaved themselves during that bit. Pretty sure of that. It's been a while since I've heard it, but I'm fairly comfortable with asserting that there was no shaving going on. None. Not even a little. Not even any Nair. (Wait. Did Abbott wax from time to time? Never mind. I digress.) That bit was simply wordplay, sir. No switching places ever occurred. ::: sigh :::
Ms. Barnes went to jail and was charged with a number of things, none of which was stupidity, unfortunately. Mr. Judy, however, was not charged with anything including stupidity. And while I know that stupid isn't a crime, I'm wishing they could have charged him or at least locked him up for six months solely on principle. That principle is the one that you're a guy who helps his ex-wife shave her genitals while she drives so that her private areas are all nice and clean for her new man! Laws based upon general principles dictated by specific situations. Hmmmm. I like the idea. It would never fly with all of those like the aforementioned Mr. Judy, but I really like the idea.

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