Is That A Burrito In Your Pants Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

I almost hesitate to start off with a quote from the article over there at WFTV.com in (of course) Orlando, Flori-duh. I mean, it sums things up really well, but I don't know if I can do any better than what they've already wrote. Some acts are hard to follow and this might just be one of them. I guess I'd better suck it up and give it a shot. Here we go...Today we learned that "The Brevard County doctor who was arrested for groping a woman while dressed as Captain America with a burrito in his pants will not go to jail." See what I mean?

Wait. Captain America? With a...a...burrito? Was it? I don't know that I really want to know, but I know that I really have to ask. What in the hell was he doing with a burrito in his pants? Was it a snack for later? Good Lord, I certainly hope not. Let's continue and see if we can noodle this one through, shall we?

The article that I linked to is rather brief. It does say, however, that "...Doctor Raymond Adamcik will take part in a diversion program for first time offenders". There is a program for people dressed like superheroes with a south-of-the-border delicacy cradled within their undergarments?! Don't get me wrong. Those people are definitely in need of some sort of program. I'm just stunned that one exists, is all. What do you call that, anyway? Never mind. I'm not sure that any of us really want to know.

The circumstances are a bit vague if I'm just referring to that article as well. And really, the circumstances that are cited raise more questions than they seem to answer. When I read, "Adamcik was arrested in April during a bar crawl for medical professionals", I really want to know more. Not much more, but more. For instance, what sort of medical professionals go on a bar crawl dressed as wacky superheroes? That seems like a fairly relevant question for one to pose, doesn't it?

I did find another story over at WFTV.com that gave a few more details on what in the world went on in the first place (which was in 2007, by the way. Why this has taken so long is beyond me.). See, "Everything was fine until...Captain America started getting too forward with a burrito he kept tucked inside his blue tights." The fact that he was there at all with a burrito in his pants, regardless as to which defender of truth, justice and the American way he was dressed as, really doesn't indicate everything was fine.

And it went from "not fine" to "effing weird" really quickly. The doctor (yes, he's really a doctor) "...was asking women if they want to touch it. When one refused, he allegedly took out the burrito and groped her." Ah, yes. The ol' "Wanna touch my burrito?" pick up line. I'm surprised it ended as poorly as it did. Seems like such a winner.

After the woman called the police, there was kind of a problem. See, "...there were so many cartoon characters in the bar at the time, all Captain America's were asked to go outside for a possible identification." It's not likely he would have been able to get away with it, as "The woman pointed out Adamcik and the burrito was found in his boot." In his boot?! What the hell kind of boots does Captain America have where you can shove a burrito in them? What else was in there? Did they find any chalupas? (No, that's not a euphemism.) While I don't know about the chalupas, I do know that I found a mugshot of Captain Gordita Grundle there. Behold!

Charming. Do we have it in color? Maybe a little closer up? Of course we do. Behold!
It still isn't clear why it took three years to resolve, but the article did state that after the arrest "Adamcik was checking himself into a rehab program ". There are rehab programs for something like this?! For reals?? Then again, I guess if there are rehab programs for made up crap like sex addiction, I guess I shouldn't be surprised that there are rehab programs for tucking Mexican delicacies within the coverings of one's nether regions. I shouldn't be surprised. But I kind of am. Just a little bit. A little.

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Excellence in Journalism. Or Not.

UPI bills itself as "100 years of journalistic excellence". That's good, right? We can all use a little...what was it? Oh, right. We can all use a little "journalistic excellence" in our lives, can't we? Sure! Why not? I'm sure this story will demonstrate just that! "Journalistic excellence." I can't wait.

Man Stuffs Frozen Shrimp Into His Pants

Wait. Where's all the excellence? Where's all the journalism, for that matter? Frozen shrimp? In his pants?! That's what UPI is reporting on? It's 2008! They can't do any better than a man with icy seafood concealed upon his nether regions?! ::::sigh:::: We're doomed. Doomed, I tell you.

Of course, this took place in Florida. (Like you couldn't have guessed that one.) A one Joseph Young, 32 and way too old to be pulling (or stuffing) things like this, "...was spotted with bulging pants Sunday by a detective who happened to be shopping in the Sweebay supermarket." That according to the authority on journalistic excellence, UPI.

So, that seems to imply that it was a good thing that there was a detective in the store at the time the shrimp was being pilfered because no one else would have been any the wiser to a guy with bags (plural. As in "more than one bag".) of shrimp down his pants. Takes a trained eye for something like, I tell you. (Actually, it's in Florida, so it probably really is a good thing that there was a detective there.)

"Detective Robert Stevenson says Young removed several bags of frozen shrimp from his pants after he was questioned." What sort of questions do you gather the cop asked him in order to make him give it up? I can't imagine it took much. "Sir, do you have frozen seafood in your drawers?" "Uh, yep. Here you go. Wait, here's another. Hold on...I think I lost one of 'em! Damn, thems some cold little fish!"

Naturally, because it's Florida and because it's the type of behavior you would expect from someone who is just genius enough to shoplift bags of frozen shellfish by shoving them in his pants, Shrimpy McScampi there "attempted to flee but....Stevenson restrained him until deputies arrived." I can envision that scene as well, as Shrimpy there thinks to himself, "Wow. I sure can move around a lot better without bags of frozen shrimp in my pants. I think I'll make a run for it. I'm sure I'll make it!" Yeah, that should turn out well. And since he was caught, I'd say that it did.

And in other 'News About Asshats' brought to us by the UPI folks ('Journalistic excellence', remember?), we have this headline:

Teen's 'Fantastic' new name 'Super' long

Yeah, OK. What? This time, we have a British asshat, a one George Garratt. Well, he used to be George Garratt. That is, until "...he used an online service to officially change his name for a $20 fee." So he's not George Garratt anymore. Nope. Want to know what he's called now? Besides asshat?

"Captain Fantastic Faster Than Superman Spiderman Batman Wolverine Hulk And The Flash Combined."

Wait. WTF?

That's his name. (Asshat is so much shorter, though. I'm really going to have a hard time not sticking with that one.) It's thought to be the world's longest, according to, again, those with the journalistic excellence, the UPI. I don't think that his brand of crazy runs in his family or anything because it was reported that his grandmother was "...so outraged....that she is no longer speaking to him." Clearly a sane, sane woman right there. I like her! Way to go, Grandma!

When asked of his name choice, Asshat said, "I wanted to be unique. I decided upon a theme of superheroes." No. You decided upon a theme of 'dumbass', you dumbass.

Not only is it ridiculous, it's wrong as well. You can't be faster than The Flash. He's the world's fastest man. That's what makes him The Flash. It's right there in his name. The Flash. Can't get faster than that. I don't care how 'Fantastic' you are.

And what does he expect people to call him? Because no one is going to spit that whole thing out at one time. Some (ie, Grandma) aren't going to be spitting it out at all! He'll probably want to go by Captain. And he'll probably get really annoyed when people (like me) start calling him 'Cappy', because 'Cappy' is hardly the world's longest name. Though it does sound just as stupid as his CFFTSSBWHATFC moniker he chose.

Wait a minute. Wasn't Elton John the guy who was 'Captain Fantastic?

Nice choice, dude. I don't know if he's necessarily 'faster' than all of the other superheroes that you included in your name, but you could definitely have a slightly heightened sensitivity to your own feelings that's greater than that of all of the others combined. Sure! So good luck with that, Cappy.

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