Discomfort On St. Patrick's Day

From the files of "You have got to be effing kidding me", Subsection "We're doomed" we have this little gem from FOX News about an elementary school principal in Massachusetts who decided to rename St. Patrick's Day by calling it "O'Green Day". No, I'm not kidding.

It would seem that over at the Soule Road School located in Wilbraham, MA, the principal, a one Lisa Curtin, has completely lost her mind. I say that because she is the one responsible for all of the name changing. When asked about this asinine action, she said that she "...decided to change the name to ease discomfort that some students might have in celebrating St. Patrick's Day". Wait a minute? Discomfort? For elementary school students? I understand discomfort in adults. (Have you ever drank your way through multiple twelve packs and washed them down with various fifths of several different kinds of liquor whilst being unable to make your way to an restroom due to being crammed like a sardine against other drunken revelers at your neighborhood watering hole/dive bar? Now that's discomfort.)

What sort of "discomfort" could their possibly be from "celebrating" St. Patrick's Day when you're in elementary school? Or in any other school for that matter? Then again, this same woman changed the name of Valentine's Day to "Caring and Kindness Day," according to parents with children in the school." Caring and Kindness Day?! What the hell is that?! That's not the name of it! She doesn't just get to go around changing the name of a day for whatever reason? Is nothing sacred? What if she was worried about the kids who might feel "discomfort" on particular days of the week? Is she going to change those too? Is Monday going to end up being "Happy Week Start Cotton Candy Butterfly, Unicorn and Puppy Day"? I don't get this at all.

Fortunately, I'm not the only one. Parents think that it's ridiculous as well. Just to quote a few "I think it's ridiculous" and "It's really stupid." And yet it still happens. So freaking ridiculous. Tell me, did this all-enlightened principal think that it might be offensive to those who are Irish to change the name of the holiday? Of course not. One, because I doubt that would ever happen. And two, because people like this principal don't think like that. They just want everything to be neutral and have zero meaning behind it. I really wish that people had taken some time off from protesting against people that don't want women to have birth control and protested this for a little while. At least this would have been entertaining.

And that gets me to the real point of this whole thing. If you're soooooooo upset by the freaking name of something, why bother celebrating it at all? Isn't that offensive? Or wrong? (I'm really kind of grasping at straws here because I don't understand it at all. I could be missing an adjective.) Are people really that worried that someone might be offended by the name of a holiday? It's not even a very good holiday! Once you're out of the beer drinking stage and before you're in it, do you know what St. Patrick's Day looks like? Whatever day it's on! What is there to feel "discomfort" about on St. Patrick's Day?! How did that woman get to be principal?! So many questions. So few answers. Just doomed.

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Jatravesty

Every single day I keep seeing more and more signs of our imminent demise. (Aka "We're doomed.") Here's what I saw today. Behold!

Wow. Are we...are we sure that those are actually names? I guess we kind of have to assume that they are (as that's usually how these sorts of things work), but I'm pretty sure that I haven't heard of most of those before. And that's not to say that there is something wrong with that. It's just saying...oh, come on! You know what it's saying as well as I do!

Wow. Memaw sure does have a lot of baybays. Does that actually say Jamodesty? That's gotta be a joke. Jamodesty? Sort of like Jermaine Jackson's kid, Jermajesty? I guess Jermajesty was a little too self-indulgent, so they went with Jamodesty? Or maybe that's the feminine form. If Jermajesty is the masculine form of Ja'highness, then that might make sense. All of these seem like derivatives of Heywood Jablowme, but I think I digress.

Actually, wait a minute. Maybe I've figured out how this whole thing works. You take a word that starts with an "M" and ends with a "Y", put a little "Ja" at the beginning of that and BAM! You've got yourself a ghetto name generator. Jamatrimony, Jamalady, Jamilitary, Jamercury, Jamelody. I'm a genius! I'm also ashamed! Moving on!

Now, to be fair, since these are "Memaw's" baybays, I can't really bag on Memaw as she didn't name them. She is advertising those names, however. That's a punishable offense right there when you're talking about E Monte and Jerodius. And while I can give her a little bit of leeway because she wasn't the actual namer, she still loses those points for the misplaced apostrophe in "BayBay's" Oooh! Oooh! Japostrophe!

Oh, God. I've clearly lost it. Must be late. OK, in conclusion, don't do this stuff. If you know someone who does, just turn around and walk the other way. They're beyond help. Save yourself.

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Nice Name, Loser

All I'm about to say here is that there are times when you can judge a book by its cover. Especially when that cover is the person's name AND when that person's name just happens to be Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop. And no, I'm not kidding.

According to something called Madison.com, "A man with a rather unique name was arrested ...because police said he was violating bail conditions from previous problems with the law." Really? Previous problems with the law? With a name like Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop? I'm shocked. Simply shocked. The article goes on to tell us that Mr....Zopittybop-Bop-Bop? I guess? He was..."charged with carrying a concealed weapon, possession of drug paraphernalia, possession of marijuana and a probation violation". Wait. What? There were drugs involved? No! Again, I'm shocked. Simply shocked.

Now, the court records show that this guy's given name was Jeffrey Drew Wilschke and that it was legally changed to the disaster that it is now back in October. I'd like to know who the judge or clerk or whoever is in charge of these things was who signed off on this. Clearly, this is someone who has some serious problems to want to change their name to Beezow. Actually, if it was just Beezow, I might be OK with that. Hell, there are plenty of people out there with whack-a-doodle names. Penn Jillette named his daughter Moxie CrimeFighter Jillette. And then there's Moon Unit Zappa. What the hell is up with that? But at least Moxie kind of sounds like a real name. And, strangely enough, so does Moon Unit. But at least they have relatively normal last names to go by. But when you go with Zopittybop-Bop-Bop, there's clearly something wrong with you.

I don't know if his brain is addled from the obvious drug use that he's been partaking in or if he's always been this way. But I do know that no one did him any favors by granting him his name change. You think he's going to be able to get a job with that sort of name? Is any place ever going to take him serious after they see his name and then learn that he chose that name himself? I don't think so. I'd be willing to give the guy a break if that's what his parents named him, as it wouldn't have been his choice. (Then again, that would mean that there would have had to have been a Mr. and Mrs. Zopittybop-Bop-Bop and I find that to be highly unlikely under any circumstances.) But if I found out he chose that? On purpose? No. Not so much.

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Name That Bandit, Smokey

I've always thought of the FBI as an excellent organization and I was sure that those who work there have responsibilities that are more involved as far as what they entail as compared to other jobs. I've always thought that things in the FBI would operate at a "step up" from that of other jobs. You know, the complexities, the multi-leveled thinking approach to things, the intricacies that are involved, stuff like that. I've always thought that there would definitely be something "different" about working for the FBI. I was correct. It is different, all right. Not different in the way that I was thinking of, but different nonetheless.

Welcome to Chicago, where 2008 saw almost a record number of robberies with the total hovering somewhere between 276 and 284. (They're still filling out reports on some of them, so they're not sure exactly how many just yet. I'm just glad there's a fairly reasonable explanation for not having an exact figure. After all, they are the FBI; they should know things like that.) Now with that many robberies, it brought about, according to The Chicago Tribune "an unusual problem." Not a lack of manpower. Not a lack of funds. Not a problem with witnesses. Not a problem with violence. No, they have a problem (wait for it....) coming up with all of those nicknames. Wait. What?

No, seriously. WTF?

Apparently, if a robber is a "serial robber" (which, by apparent definition, is someone who is responsible for doing all of the robbing at least three times), they are supposed to get a "unique and memorable name". The nickname is important because it draws public interest and the interest of the media. (And those in the media love a good nickname for anything! Doesn't matter what it is! A good nickname or a catchy phrase will have those in the media practically wetting themselves in anticipation of being able to use said nickname in their story.) So if you're of the serial robbing type, you've gotta have a nickname. And according to a one Ross Rice who is the FBI spokesman in Chicago and the name-assigner for that area, "It's actually one of the more trying parts of the job."

The names?!? The freaking names that you have to make up are one of the "more trying parts" of working for the FBI?! Are you kidding me?! If that is one of the more trying parts, I'd love to know what are some of the easier aspects of working for the FBI! Let's see...tracking that Unabomber guy for 16-17 years....that DB Cooper thing that hasn't been figured out since 1971....the World Trade Center ordeal and looking for that Osama dude....yeah,l all a piece of cake compared to coming up with a little nickname for a robber. I see.

Oh, but I kid. (Actually, I don't. This is ridiculous. Naming anything, anyone, it doesn't matter. It's NOT hard!) One of the things that made it so, soooo hard for this guy to give nicknames to the evil doers is the sheer number of them. Now, I'm doing the math here (because it's what I do) and if there were 276 robberies and you have to have committed 3 of them to be a "serial robber" and get yourself a shiny gold star and a catchy moniker to go underneath your blurry surveillance photo on the evening news, you're looking at a maximum of 93 names. 365 days in the year. That's one every 3.92 days. You can't come up with a nickname for someone in 3.92 days?! Really? I think I could come up with a couple of 'em in 3.92 seconds. Give me 3.92 days and I'll nickname them all. Forget the other 361.08 days, I won't need 'em! (Slappy McRobs-A-Lot! Stick 'em Up Pete! Bank of the West Pest! Shall I go on? No? Thank God.)

Rice was responsible for names (that were much better than mine I just threw out in less than 3.92 days) like " "....The Cadillac Bandit," (for his getaway car), "The Brazen Bandit" (for his demeanor) and "The Straw Hat Bandit" (for, well, some names are less trying than others)." Who the hell is going around robbing banks in Chicago (of all places) in a freaking straw hat is what I want to know? Old McDonald?

Rice was also responsible for the naming of a one robber Michael Staadt as the "Groucho Bandit" because he wore a fake moustache during his robberies. "Groucho" was later arrested outside of a bar when alert employees called police. (They're always alert when something like this happens. Never do you read "The dozing, half-wit bartender then called police with the information." Never.) He's not always quite so clever when it comes to his dubbing of the dastardly. Apparently, two different robbers decided to don an oh-so-stylish Kangol hat during their robberies. The first guy got the obvious "Kangol Bandit" distinction. The second one got the also obvious (but a little silly sounding) "Kangol Bandit 2" distinction.

OK, I wouldn't know a Kangol hat if it bit me in the ass. (I'd know I'd been bitten in the ass, but I wouldn't know what did the biting. I'm just saying.) What's with the name, anyway? Kangol. Is it like a cross between a kangaroo and a Mongol? I had not idea, so I looked it up and, in case you're interested (and how could you not be at this point!) THIS is a Kangol hat. Behold!

OK, so a "Newsies" hat? Paperboy in the 1920s? Do people really wear those? If so, why? You'd think that if they did that I'd have already made fun of them by now. And if people aren't really wearing those these days, couldn't you have gone with a name along those lines? "The What Not To Wear Bandit", perhaps?

I wish that the person who wrote the article over there at the Chicago Tribune had asked Mr. Rice why it seems that only in nicknames of criminals do you hear or see the word "bandit" used. The only other time you'll hear "bandit" bandied about is if it involves Burt Reynolds and is proceeded by "Smokey and the". Other than that, "bandit" is conspicuously absent from day to day language. Just look at all of these other "bandits" that were out robbing things all over the place:

• The Leprechaun Bandit

The Playboy Bandit

The Second Hand Bandit

I think that my favorite "bandit" nickname is one that, unfortunately, did not originate in Chicago. It was the doing of the FBI guys in Seattle when they came up with the name "Can You Hear Me Now Bandit" for a guy who kept talking on his cell phone whilst robbing places! I also think that I'm glad that the practice of nicknaming criminals gets toned down a bit when it comes to those who kill other people. I was good with "The Unabomber" as a nickname (no matter how ridiculous it is). I wouldn't have been good for 16-17 years of "Be on the look out for "Explode-y Von Bombs Your Ass."

So what have we learned? The FBI is a pretty tough place to work. Or not. Maybe we've learned too much about the inner workings of the FBI. Or not enough. Either way, I think we learned that if you're going to be a bank robber, don't always wear the same damn thing every time you rob a place. I think we also learned that we're glad that bank robbers (in general) aren't real bright and will continue to wear the same damn thing every time they rob a place, which earns them a catchy nickname which aids their eventual capture. It's one of the few times when I'm actually grateful for stupidity

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What's In A Name?

When a new neighborhood is being built, who is it that gets to name the streets? Is it the city, the developer, who does that? It'd kind of be a cool job if you felt like being creative. Picture it: A six by six block area of streets all named after Muppets! Kermit the Frog Lane. Miss Piggy Road. Big Bird Drive. That'd be awesome. Or just to keep things interesting you could give the roads names such as "Wrong Way Drive", "Other Way Way", or "Turn Around Place". Granted, there would be confusion and mayhem on the roads, but it would make for fab-ulous entertainment for about the first month. After that, you'd probably just want to switch all of the names over to trees or fruits or something. But definitely not anything that might "offend" anyone.

The only thing that I hate more than "fixing" or "correcting" something that is "offensive" to someone (singular) is doing things in a way that will allegedly "prevent" something "offensive" from occurring, even if there is no indication that anyone would be offended at all if it was done differently. Over there in the Lewes District Council, which is in East Sussex, which is in the UK, they're doing both, correcting and preventing. And they're doing it with street names. What?

The unoffensive folks over there at The Daily Mail tell us that the Council, having solved all other problems in the world, apparently, "....has drawn up guidelines for new street names." They've come up with "...its first street naming and numbering policy...which will ban potentially rude sounding names." See? "Potentially." There's your asinine prevention that I speak so lowly of right there for you!

Now, these are street names that we're talking about. How "offensive" could they possibly be? Well, you won't be seeing any 'aesthetically unsuitable' names, "such as Gaswork Road, Tip House and Coalpit Lane." According to the Council, those "should be avoided." Um, I don't get it. Let's see..."Gaswork" because it has the word "gas" in it and that will automatically be thought of as flatulence? Is that it? I was very unoffended by it when I read it, but that's just me (unfortunately). And "Tip House" because....? I don't know what a "Tip House" is. Now, if it were "Tit House", that I might agree should not be the name of a street (that runs past an elementary school, especially). But I thought "tips" were good? (Actually, I thought "tits" were good too, but that's a whole different blog post right there.) And "Coalpit Lane" because....? Maybe "Pit" is bad in England? They don't like coal? Miners would be offended?! I don't understand.

The Council has also banned "names capable of deliberate misinterpretation like Hoare Road, Typple Avenue, Quare Street, Corfe Close (4 Corfe Close) etc." This is becoming a lot of work to try to understand the issues they're having with these names. Let's see...."Hoare Road" would sound like "Whore Road" (whores are bad). Typple Avenue...? Because it's like that "Tip House" that wasn't OK before? It sounds too much like "nipple"? I don't know. "Quare" must not be OK because it either sounds too much like "queer" (they're bad too, according to some) or because it looks like "square" without the "S" and misspelling is bad as well. (Not as bad as whores and nipples, but still pretty bad.) I still have yet to be offended by anything except for the dougheads on this council who are implementing this.

"Street names which could give offence are not used, nor are names which encourage defacing name plates." I have absolutely no idea what that sentence means and the article didn't define it. I don't know of a name that would "encourage defacing" unless it said "Don't Deface". That would encourage defacing. Other than that, I'm stumped.

If this ridiculous policy had been in place when Juggs Road and Cockshut Road were erected (pun SO intended), those names would likely have been rejected under this "Prevention Through Exclusion and Overreaction" rule. Or if they had been in Reading, where last year, "Council chiefs banned a road from being called Fighting Cocks." Sure. Because if you were driving along and saw the road sign "Fighting Cocks" you'd immediately start looking around for two penises duking it out amongst themselves! "Honey! Did you see that sign? Where's your camera? The guys at the office are never going to believe this! Let me know if you see them so I can get a picture! " Yeah, I don't think that would happen. Often.

Does the Council think that everyone is twelve and thereby must snicker and giggle whenever they hear the word "cock"? They either think we're all twelve or that we're all Joey from "Friends", because this is ridiculous. (If everyone had thought like this there would definitely be no Phuket over there in Thailand. And you can bet that Intercourse, Pennsylvania wouldn't get very far either!) The Council is going to have a problem with a lot of the names of places over there in jolly old England because they have quirky names for places that have the potential to offend the masses (apparently). Just over there in the UK we have:

• Popping Hole
• Great Dixter (Just how great?)
• Sissinghurst Gardens
• Bewl Water (I don't know what 'Bewl" means either, but it has potential to offend, don't you think?).
• Tipsy Cottage.
• Cockermouth (It's in Cumbria! Right over there by Papcastle! I swear!).

Other places that the Council would not be fond of (but where the residents seem to have been able to manage their lives on a day to day basis without fail):

• F*cking (Apparently, it's in Tarsdorf, Austria. I must visit!)













• Dildo in Newfoundland, Canada (America's Hat, how could you?!)











Muff in Ireland










And perhaps Muff's cousin, Twatt in Scotland

And the list goes on and on.

Seriously. I know regular people have a lot of time on their hands, but shouldn't the council be doing something else besides this crap? If they want to know what the people find offensive, they should ask, because you know what name I find offensive? The Lewes Council!

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Excellence in Journalism. Or Not.

UPI bills itself as "100 years of journalistic excellence". That's good, right? We can all use a little...what was it? Oh, right. We can all use a little "journalistic excellence" in our lives, can't we? Sure! Why not? I'm sure this story will demonstrate just that! "Journalistic excellence." I can't wait.

Man Stuffs Frozen Shrimp Into His Pants

Wait. Where's all the excellence? Where's all the journalism, for that matter? Frozen shrimp? In his pants?! That's what UPI is reporting on? It's 2008! They can't do any better than a man with icy seafood concealed upon his nether regions?! ::::sigh:::: We're doomed. Doomed, I tell you.

Of course, this took place in Florida. (Like you couldn't have guessed that one.) A one Joseph Young, 32 and way too old to be pulling (or stuffing) things like this, "...was spotted with bulging pants Sunday by a detective who happened to be shopping in the Sweebay supermarket." That according to the authority on journalistic excellence, UPI.

So, that seems to imply that it was a good thing that there was a detective in the store at the time the shrimp was being pilfered because no one else would have been any the wiser to a guy with bags (plural. As in "more than one bag".) of shrimp down his pants. Takes a trained eye for something like, I tell you. (Actually, it's in Florida, so it probably really is a good thing that there was a detective there.)

"Detective Robert Stevenson says Young removed several bags of frozen shrimp from his pants after he was questioned." What sort of questions do you gather the cop asked him in order to make him give it up? I can't imagine it took much. "Sir, do you have frozen seafood in your drawers?" "Uh, yep. Here you go. Wait, here's another. Hold on...I think I lost one of 'em! Damn, thems some cold little fish!"

Naturally, because it's Florida and because it's the type of behavior you would expect from someone who is just genius enough to shoplift bags of frozen shellfish by shoving them in his pants, Shrimpy McScampi there "attempted to flee but....Stevenson restrained him until deputies arrived." I can envision that scene as well, as Shrimpy there thinks to himself, "Wow. I sure can move around a lot better without bags of frozen shrimp in my pants. I think I'll make a run for it. I'm sure I'll make it!" Yeah, that should turn out well. And since he was caught, I'd say that it did.

And in other 'News About Asshats' brought to us by the UPI folks ('Journalistic excellence', remember?), we have this headline:

Teen's 'Fantastic' new name 'Super' long

Yeah, OK. What? This time, we have a British asshat, a one George Garratt. Well, he used to be George Garratt. That is, until "...he used an online service to officially change his name for a $20 fee." So he's not George Garratt anymore. Nope. Want to know what he's called now? Besides asshat?

"Captain Fantastic Faster Than Superman Spiderman Batman Wolverine Hulk And The Flash Combined."

Wait. WTF?

That's his name. (Asshat is so much shorter, though. I'm really going to have a hard time not sticking with that one.) It's thought to be the world's longest, according to, again, those with the journalistic excellence, the UPI. I don't think that his brand of crazy runs in his family or anything because it was reported that his grandmother was "...so outraged....that she is no longer speaking to him." Clearly a sane, sane woman right there. I like her! Way to go, Grandma!

When asked of his name choice, Asshat said, "I wanted to be unique. I decided upon a theme of superheroes." No. You decided upon a theme of 'dumbass', you dumbass.

Not only is it ridiculous, it's wrong as well. You can't be faster than The Flash. He's the world's fastest man. That's what makes him The Flash. It's right there in his name. The Flash. Can't get faster than that. I don't care how 'Fantastic' you are.

And what does he expect people to call him? Because no one is going to spit that whole thing out at one time. Some (ie, Grandma) aren't going to be spitting it out at all! He'll probably want to go by Captain. And he'll probably get really annoyed when people (like me) start calling him 'Cappy', because 'Cappy' is hardly the world's longest name. Though it does sound just as stupid as his CFFTSSBWHATFC moniker he chose.

Wait a minute. Wasn't Elton John the guy who was 'Captain Fantastic?

Nice choice, dude. I don't know if he's necessarily 'faster' than all of the other superheroes that you included in your name, but you could definitely have a slightly heightened sensitivity to your own feelings that's greater than that of all of the others combined. Sure! So good luck with that, Cappy.

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Code Name: Bloggy Bloggerson

The Secret Service has code names which they use for all of the people that they protect. Each protected person has at least one code name. It would seem that this was their way around identifying their subjects by name in the days before electronic communication transmissions were encrypted and they apparently did all of their communicating by using two tins cans with a string between them. Now that electronic communications are encrypted (wink, wink), they don't really need to use the code names. But it sounds pretty cool (so they think), so they do.

The list-y folks over there at NNDB describe their site as being "an intelligence aggregator that tracks the activities of people we have determined to be noteworthy, both living and dead. Superficially, it seems much like a "Who's Who" where a noted person's curriculum vitae is available (the usual information such as date of birth, a biography, and other essential facts.)" No word on what NNDB actually stand for, but that's what they do.

And it's a pretty nifty site overall. (I like lists.) They have a list of the Secret Service code names for a bunch of people that they have protected (or are protecting. Doesn't seem so 'secret' to me, so go figure.). I noticed a few things. One, they seem to choose names that sound cool. I envision the name-assigner dude trying out how they sound into his little walkie talkie or into that thing that comes out of their ear and miraculously ends up in the palm of their hand. It has to sound cool when it's said into one of those devices and followed up by either the crack of the walkie-talkie button being released or after they've spoken into their own hand and extended their thumb up as if they're getting ready for the next question on Jeopardy!

They also seem to choose names that all begin with the same letter for a related group of protectees. It's like those families who name all of their kids with names that start with 'Q' or something like that; it doesn't bother them so much, but it does tend to annoy the rest of us after a while. (And really, with the families naming all of their kids with the same first initial, what does that do? Who is that for? Is your memory that bad that you're going to forget the names of your own children unless you can whittle down the 26 possible choices of letters that their names might start with so that you'll have a better shot of getting it right on the first try? Why do you do that? You can't put your initials on anything when everyone in the same house has the same damn initials. I just don't understand the purpose is all I'm saying.)

And, of course, if its possible, they seem to try to choose a code name that is somewhat meaningful or intrinsic to that person's personality or background or something like that. I have no idea as to whether or not a person can reject their code name or not. If I had been given some of these names, I would have rejected them ("Um, no offense, but I ain't gonna be goin' by 'Cherry Blossom' for the next four years. No way."), but perhaps some of those folks liked their names and kept them and that's why they have such a dorky code name. Could be.

Starting with the Bushes:

• H.W.: Sheepskin, Snowstorm, Timberwolf. (Sarah Palin must have been bummed all of those were already taken.)


• Barbara: Snowbank, Tranquility (Snowbank? She is woman girth, I suppose.)
  


• George W.: Tumbler (As in balance or beverage?)


• Laura: Tempo


• Jenna: Twinkle (I'm going to assume that the 'Tranquility' name for Barbara above is the code name for Jenna's twin sister, Barbara, as I didn't see a separate entry. So the Bush twins are Twinkle and Tranquility. OK, then.)


• Jeb: Tripper (Not to be confused with Tumbler.)


• Marvin: Tuner (In other news, there's a Marvin Bush.)


• Neil: Trapline (What the hell?)
  

The Carters:

• Jimmy: Dasher, Deacon, Lock Master (Lock Master? What was going on over there?)


• Rosalynn: Dancer, Steel Magnolia, Lotus Petal (Lotus Petal, eh? Never mind. Now I know.)
  
  
• Amy: Dynamo (Seriously?)

The Reagans:

• Ronald: Rawhide


• Nancy: Rainbow
  
  
• Maureen: Rhyme, Rosebud


• Michael: Riddler


• Ron: Reliant


• Patti Davis: Ribbon
  

See, now that would a nightmare if it were a family. "Kids! Diiinnnnnneeerrr!!! Rosebud! Riddler! Reliant! Ribbon! Get down here before it gets cold!" Ugh.

The Clintons (They really could have been more imaginative, given everything...you know...):

• Bill: Eagle (Shoulda been Snake. Although 'The Eagle has landed' is comical.)
  
  
• Hillary: Evergreen (Ever green with envy, perhaps?)
  
  
• Chelsea: Energy
  
  

This year's Presidential Election folks:

• John McCain: Phoenix ('Cause he's the Senator from Arizona. How original.)
  


• Cindy McCain: Parasol (Ugh. How hoity-toity does that sound?)


• Joe Biden: Celtic
  


• Cindy Biden: Capri (Like the pants?)
  

  

• Barry Barack Obama: Renegade

• Michelle Obama: Renaissance
  
  
• Todd Palin: Nailin' (Oh, but I kid!! Sorry, I couldn't resist. It's Driller.)
  
  
• Sarah Palin: Denali (It's a mountain and National Park in Alaska. Of course.)
  

Some of the more amusing names that were listed were the likes of:

• James Baker: Fencing Master or Foxtail
  
  Prince Charles: Daily, Principal or Unicorn (Unicorn? How gay is he? Why not Rainbow Brite? Way to 'man it up' there, Chuck.)
  
  
• James Edward: Firetruck
  
  

• Queen Elizabeth: Kitty Hawk or Redfern (Kitty Hawk because she was there when they invented the airplane.)
  
  
• Al Gore: Sawhorse or Sundance (Those are pretty different. How do you go from Sawhorse to being ON a horse?)
  
  
• Alexander Haig: Claw hammer (Jesus! Stay clear of Al, holy crap!)


• Gary Hart: Redwood (Perhaps a name more suited for Bill Clinton.)


• Jesse Jackson: Pontiac or Thunder (I'm guessing that Lawsuit and Cry Wolf were taken?)
  
  
• Henry Kissinger: Woodcutter (Another name more apt for Bill Clinton.)
  

• Jan Pierce: Forefinger (Again, I'm unfamiliar with who this individual is, but what is up with being called Forefinger? A pointy soul, are ye?)
  

• Ron Nessen: Clam Chowder (I don't know who Ron Nessen is, but why he put up with being called Clam Chowder is beyond me. Does he have a wife? What's her name? Vichyssoise? Chicken Noodle? Split Pea?
  
  
• Bebe Rebozo: Christopher (Wait. Is that right? I'd think that 'Christopher' would be the guy's real name and 'Bebe Rebozo' would be a code name, wouldn't you?)


• Ron Ziegler: Whale Boat (Now there's a term of endearment for you. Whale Boat. Nice. I'm guessing he wasn't necessarily a svelte fellow.

Let's go back to Barry's code name, Renegade. I hear that and I think of the song by Styx. And the lyrics to 'Renegade' are....well, if you think of Barry being the Renegade.....I don't know that it's good necessarily. And if you take the song as whole into consideration, it's really not good at all. But is....interesting? Perhaps?

The jig is up the news is out, they've finally found me

The renegade who had it made, retrieved for a bounty.

Never more to go astray

This will be the end today

Of the wanted man.

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