Nice Hat

I saw this story over at ABC News, but it was linked within a different story that had absolutely nothing to do with it and it won't let me link directly to it.  Just take my word for what happened, OK?  Besides, the point I'm about to make is rather pedantic anyway.  What's new, right? 

There long and short of it is that an 87-year old woman (who also happens to be a grandmother) was arrested for selling cocaine.  She ended up getting 18 months in prison and it was implied that it was due to her age.  Whatever.  If you're dumb enough to be selling cocaine, I don't care how old you are when you get caught.  The point here is her mugshot. Behold! 

Nice.  What in the world is on her head?!  Is that a nightcap?  Is she a Looney Tunes characters? When was this picture taken?  Is this the late 1800s?  People still wear those?  For reals?  I only remember them being worn in Little House on the Prairie.  This was the best picture that I could find to back up that memory.  Behold! 

 

Ignoring the fact that Laura has it pulled up as if she might secretly be one of the Coneheads, it's essentially the same.  At least Half Pint wasn't selling drugs.  Maybe if this woman felt the need to emulate those from the 19th century, she could have noticed all of the not dealing of cocaine that they did and gone with that instead of the wacky hat.  Just a thought. 

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That Makes No Sense

When someone famous dies, all sort of people have to chime in on what they thought of the person and/or of their death if it was untimely or unexpected. Doesn't matter who it is. Doesn't matter if they actually "knew" the person more than just knew of them. None of that matters. What matters (apparently) is that they have something that they want to say and someone else is wanting to hear it and let them say it. I'm going to go ahead and say that's not exactly the best idea because the person might be grief-stricken or something and might say something completely asinine. (Do you like how I'm going with the 'possibly grief-stricken' angle and not just implying that they're likely a moron? I thought it was subtle.) In the instance of the newly departed Whitney Houston, that person with an opinion is Tony Bennett.

According to the Boston Herald, Tony Bennett was asking what he thought about the demise of Whitney Houston. His answer? A little ramble-y and a lot ridiculous. He said, "First it was Michael Jackson, then Amy Winehouse, now the magnificent Whitney Houston. . . . I’d like every person in this room to campaign to legalize drugs. . . . Let’s legalize drugs like they did in Amsterdam. No one’s hiding or sneaking around corners to get it. They go to a doctor to get it." Where to begin?

I guess I'll just dive right in. Look, I'm not going to claim to be an expert on the drug laws of Amsterdam or any other part of the Netherlands. But from what I understand, pot is totally legal over there and sold freely about. I don't think that it's a total drug free for all or anything. And it's also not like it isn't regulated. So if that's what Tony Bennett is referring to, I have some shocking news for him. That news being that I highly doubt that Whitney Houston died from an overdose of marijuana. In fact, it's kind of looking like she took a bunch of Xanax and passed out in the tub. (That would have been fine had the tub not been full of water or had she been wearing scuba gear.)

And that brings me to my second point. Michael Jackson died from an overdose of a sedative that could have been used to tranquilize an elephant. Amy Winehouse died from alcohol poisoning. And it's looking like Xanax and a tub full of water has done in Whitney. You know what all three of those deaths have in common? All involved perfectly legal substances. Needing a prescription, maybe, but legal regardless. Tony Bennett wants drugs legalized so that they can go to a doctor to get it? Two of them did! What is he talking about?!

How old is Tony Bennett? 85? Well, he looks great. He should just probably stop talking about things. Most things. He sings well. Can he just stick to singing? It'd probably be best. He's not very good at the talking.

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Nice Name, Loser

All I'm about to say here is that there are times when you can judge a book by its cover. Especially when that cover is the person's name AND when that person's name just happens to be Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop. And no, I'm not kidding.

According to something called Madison.com, "A man with a rather unique name was arrested ...because police said he was violating bail conditions from previous problems with the law." Really? Previous problems with the law? With a name like Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop? I'm shocked. Simply shocked. The article goes on to tell us that Mr....Zopittybop-Bop-Bop? I guess? He was..."charged with carrying a concealed weapon, possession of drug paraphernalia, possession of marijuana and a probation violation". Wait. What? There were drugs involved? No! Again, I'm shocked. Simply shocked.

Now, the court records show that this guy's given name was Jeffrey Drew Wilschke and that it was legally changed to the disaster that it is now back in October. I'd like to know who the judge or clerk or whoever is in charge of these things was who signed off on this. Clearly, this is someone who has some serious problems to want to change their name to Beezow. Actually, if it was just Beezow, I might be OK with that. Hell, there are plenty of people out there with whack-a-doodle names. Penn Jillette named his daughter Moxie CrimeFighter Jillette. And then there's Moon Unit Zappa. What the hell is up with that? But at least Moxie kind of sounds like a real name. And, strangely enough, so does Moon Unit. But at least they have relatively normal last names to go by. But when you go with Zopittybop-Bop-Bop, there's clearly something wrong with you.

I don't know if his brain is addled from the obvious drug use that he's been partaking in or if he's always been this way. But I do know that no one did him any favors by granting him his name change. You think he's going to be able to get a job with that sort of name? Is any place ever going to take him serious after they see his name and then learn that he chose that name himself? I don't think so. I'd be willing to give the guy a break if that's what his parents named him, as it wouldn't have been his choice. (Then again, that would mean that there would have had to have been a Mr. and Mrs. Zopittybop-Bop-Bop and I find that to be highly unlikely under any circumstances.) But if I found out he chose that? On purpose? No. Not so much.

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The Not So Shocking Death Of Amy Winehouse

So, Amy Winehouse died. Now, I keep reading interviews with people who knew her and I'm a little surprised by the number of times that someone has said, "I am shocked to learn of her death." Really? Shocked? Look, I might have been a lot of things when I heard that she had croaked it, but shocked was not one of them. As far as whether it is sad or not, that's a matter of opinion. I don't know that it's "sad" that someone dies when that death was totally preventable. Sure, it's sad for her family, but is the event itself "sad"? I think that it's more stupid than sad. But I'm sure that will be interpreted as my being insensitive. What else is new? Listen, watch the video of her singing in Serbia (of all places) about a month ago. If it doesn't load, click here. And after watching it, you tell me if you're "shocked" to learn that she died or if you're simply "shocked" that it didn't happen sooner.

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They're Not In There

There are several ways to tell if you might have a drug problem. If you start missing work or going to work high, you might have a drug problem. If you start avoiding things that you once found pleasurable so that you can do drugs instead, you might have a drug problem. If you find yourself cutting open your acquaintances rectum with a straight razor to look for drugs, you might have a drug problem. Wait. What?

Correct. Meet Ethan Adam Younce, a 22-year old lad from Elkton, MD. According to something called The Dreamin' Demon, it seems that ol' Ethan and a bunch of his buddies were at a house at around 4AM. (Nothing good happens after midnight, folks. Nothing. I know that it seems like there's a lot of stuff going on, but there isn't. Nothing good, anyways. Take this story for instance. It happened after midnight and there isn't one good thing about it.) I'm assuming that young Ethan and his friends were just as high as could be because after one of the lads at the house passed out, "Younce and two others at the party believe that the man passed out has either drug money or drugs shoved up his ass." Of course. Because...well...why wouldn't he? Or something.

Naturally, Ethan and his friends, a one 27-year old (and old enough to know better) Eric Edward Allen and a one 18-year old) and also old enough to know better) Maurice Helton, woke the sleeping man up by beating him. While that does seem like an effective way to roust someone from their slumber, it really doesn't seem necessary. Oh, and speaking of things that don't seem necessary, you know what else fits into that category? What happened next, that's what!

See, because there was, by all reasonable calculations (coming from the geniuses who were convinced that this guy had a stack of drugs in the suppository position) at least FIFTY dollars worth of drugs, they decided to go looking for them. So "Younce’s accomplices held him down while Younce stripped him". And here's where it gets a little oogie. This is not for the faint at heart. It's really not for anyone, but if you can read this without squirming in your seat at least once, then you have nerves of steel at the very least.

With the guy completed naked, Younce decided to carve up his anal region like a Thanksgiving turkey. Using a silver-and-black folding razor, Younce began cutting away...down there! And of course, his friends helped him in this endeavor because they must have thought that it was a perfectly reasonable thing to do to someone who might have all of FIFTY DOLLARS worth of drugs in their rectum. Fortunately, one of the people in the house realized that nothing good happens after midnight and ran "...shrieking to a neighbor to call 911." The cops showed up. Younce was arrested. His victim went to the hospital for "...emergency butt reconstruction surgery". He made it through the surgery and surprise! No drugs were found. Shocking, I know.

I have yet to read in any of the accounts of this fiasco exactly what Mr. Younce was high on in the first place. There's no way he was sober. That sort of information could prove helpful in the war on drugs. Listen, if I were a youngster and someone was talking to me about the dangers of this Drug X that Mr. Younce was on and they mentioned that this particular drug could make someone think really crazy thoughts about what was up my butt and want to carve it out of me with a razor, you can be damn sure that I wouldn't be around anyone who did that sort of drug EVER! I highly doubt that I would be doing that drug EVER as well. It sure as heck beats that "This is your brain on drugs" campaign with the fried eggs. I don't want to turn into the person that thinks that everyone's ass is a drug pinata. That's no way to go through life, son. No way at all.

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Flying High

More drug smuggling. More things I don't understand. Seriously, how do people think that they're going to get away with such an asinine plan? More importantly, how do they even attempt to pull it off?

Case in point is these two dimwits who got arrested at Lima's international airport on Saturday. According to Yahoo! News, a one 37-year old Roxana Laercia and a one 28-year old Michael Eguonoghen were trying to board a plane. The problem is that most airlines have a problem with you bringing illegal drugs onto the plane. And they don't care what amount of drugs that you have. Drugs on a plane are frowned upon. That's why I'm guessing that those folks were none too happy when this chick tried to board with 24 pounds of cocaine that was stashed "...between her clothes". I'm afraid to ask how they found out that the guy had swallowed 3.3 pounds of heroin capsules.

HOW on earth does one shove 24 pounds of cocaine "between her clothes"? Twenty four pounds of anything is a lot of that thing! Think of a five pound bag of flour. They're heavy, right? Of course they are! They're five pounds of freaking flour! Now, substitute cocaine for the flour and try toting around five of those bags. Good freaking luck! And swallowing 3.3 pounds of anything is a lot of something to swallow. Wouldn't it have been easier for him to simply shove it up his out door cavity? I don't know if my stomach could handle 3.3 pounds of something in it. That's like thirteen Quarter Pounders. Granted, you couldn't get me to eat even one Quarter Pounder. I was merely making an analogy. It's a lot of heroin to down at one time!

Anyway, they got arrested and I got confused. It's not that I don't understand why people smuggle drugs. I do. I don't understand why they do it in such dumbass ways like the one described here. Oh, wait. They do drugs. That explains it. Don't do drugs, kids. One minute, you think you're just taking a harmless toke off of a joint. The next minute, you're downing 3.3 pounds of heroin and hopping a Peruvian plane to London. That's no way to go through life, son.

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Intestinal Fortitude

The other day we learned about a woman in Scranton, PA who was arrested with something like 51 packages of heroin, 30-some odd drug baggies, 8-1/2 prescription pills and fifty-two dollars and twenty two cents, all conveniently packaged within the warmth and comfort of her own vagina. Well, if she's looking for a date or something, I think I have found the perfect person to hook her up with.

Meet Neil Lansing. Mr. Lansing resides in Sarasota County, Florida. According to the blog Jonathan Turley (Mr. Turley is a "...nationally recognized legal scholar who has written extensively in areas ranging from constitutional law to legal theory to tort law." I find his blog to be very interesting.), when Mr. Lansing was being booked into jail, a "virtual Cornucopia" turned up during the cavity search. In case you're unfamiliar with a cavity search, let me just say that those doing the searching were not dentists. I'll let you noodle the rest of that through.

Inside of his rectum (for those of you still noodling, you can probably stop now, as I'm sure you can figure out which cavity we are referring to here) they found some contraband. Let me take this opportunity to mention that I am really glad that my career path has taken me in directions so that I will never have to be in the position of discovering items that someone has shoved up their bodily cavities that are supposed to be "Out Only". But I digress. They found the following items:

17 Oxycodone pills

1 cigarette (Really? Up...there? You can't tell me that thing was still in tact after all of the...inserting and...removing. Cigarettes are kind of fragile. They're certainly not meant for deep drilling purposes.)


6 matches (It doesn't specify what kind of matches. I'm hoping that they were waterproof.)

1 flint (A flint?!?! Was he expecting to be participating in some sort of Boy Scout Jamboree? Having a flint up your ass is probably the epitome of the slogan "Be prepared".)

1 empty syringe with eraser over needle (Of course. An eraser. For protection. Safety first! What, pray tell, what he planning on injecting with said syringe? Never mind. I don't want to know.)

1 lip balm container (It doesn't say if there was any lip balm actually in the container. I could see not wanting chapped lips, but considering where the balm would be coming from, I think I'd tough it out.)

1 condom (Again, safety first! I certainly hope that he was planning on removing all of his supplies before he would be taking one for the team. I'm guessing that there's not much room in there for anything else, let alone Bubba's penis.)

1 CVS receipt (For tax purposes. Sure. That makes sense. It's either that or he was planning on returning something. Please, sir. For the love of all that is good and has not been up your rear end, please don't try to return any of that. )

And finally, one...coupon? (What the what? OK, I understand being frugal and thrifty, but in jail? What's he planning to save a dollar on? Is that where he normally keeps his coupons? What's that like when he goes to check out? "Just a minute. I have a coupon for that. Where is it?...Let's see...I know I brought it with me...Oh! That's right! I have inserted it into my rectum!"

Mr. Lansing was subsequently charged with being a dumbass. OK, that wasn't the official charge, but do you have a better name for it?

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Those Don't Go In There

Just because you can do something with your body, that certainly doesn't mean that you should. In fact, I'm going to come out against most things that you can do with your body. I'm going to come out vehemently against using your body as some sort of a storage unit/hidey hole for foreign objects in a last ditch effort to avoid getting in even more trouble.

You can tell where this is going, right? According to the news source for lovely Scranton, Pennsylvania, thetimes-tribune.com tells us the story of a one 27-year old (and old enough to know better) Karin Mackaliunas. She was apparently at the scene of some sort of automobile crash when the car was being towed. (It is unclear to me if she owned the vehicle or had anything to do with the vehicle because the media sucks and this is a poorly written article that I'm attempting to work off of here. Bear with me. These really aren't overly important details to the gist of the tale, but it does irritate the crap out of me that they're not there.) And for some reason, an officer asked for Ms. Mackaliunas "...to be detained because she was suspected of stealing items from the inn." What inn, you ask? How the heck should I know? The media sucks, remember?

She was detained and the cop found three bags of heroin in her pocket. (That gives me a pretty good idea of why she was suspected of wrongdoing in the first place. Folks that go around with heroin in their pockets are the type of folks who you would think stole everything from the inn, including the manger out back.) She gets arrested and gets driven back to the police station. It was on that ride back that the officer noticed that our heroin enthusiast was a little fidgety.

They get back to headquarters and some sort of a struggle ensues between this young lady and the arresting officer. It's unclear as to why there was a struggle. What is clear is that at some point "...Ms. Mackaliunas asked to speak with Sergeant Michael Mayer and told him she had hidden more heroin in her vagina." Of course.

The vagina is not a reasonable method of transporting drugs. It's also not a reasonable method of transporting other items as well. After a search by a doctor at Community Medical Center, it was discovered that this woman was also storing "54 bags of heroin, 31 empty bags used to package heroin, 8.5 prescription pills and $51.22." Wait. What now?

That's right. She practically had an entire freaking CVS Pharmacy up her hoo-ha. What. The. Hell. And look, I can sort of understand the drugs. And I can sort of understand the drug bags. (You have to be prepared to bag up the new drugs that you get. And what better receptacle to put your drugs in than a bag that has been sitting in a woman's vagina for God knows how long. Ewww. Don't do drugs, kids. And for God's sake, don't do any that came out of someone's vagina.) And I guess I can understand the 8.5 prescription pills. But for the love of all that is rational, I cannot fathom why she would shove fifty one dollars and change up there! Why the change?! What were you afraid of, cupcake? My God! Do you realize how much stuff that IS? If you don't, I have prepared this handy graphic to help you visualize this scenario. Behold!

Shocking, is it not? And as surprised as I am that she shoved all of that up there, I'm also surprised that it stayed up there. I mean, seriously. Without going into overtly graphic detail, if you have the square footage to cram all of those wares in there, I'm guessing that the front door isn't all that secure. You follow me? Good, because I don't want to have to explain that it must be like those swinging doors you see in the old timey saloons. Flappin' back and forth after a patron enters the bar. Wow. I think I just grossed myself out with that visual I just provided. Yep. I certainly did.

One final note here. If you're someone who enjoys doing drugs, any drugs, and someone offers you drugs that she has just pulled out of her vagina, you need to take a good hard look at your priorities in life if you're going to consider doing those drugs. Seriously. And take your time.

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Leave Charlie Sheen Alone

There's an awful lot of scary stuff going on in the world right now and I need a break. Thank God for Charlie Sheen. (There's a sentence I never thought I'd type.)

As you may or may not be aware, Charlie Sheen is in rehab. And from what I can tell, he is none too happy about it. I base that solely on a text message that Charlie apparently sent to a one Dylan Howard, the senior editor at RadarOnline which read: "People don't seem to get it.... Guy can't have a great time and do his job also? Bunch of turds." Is it sad that it doesn't surprise me at all that Charlie Sheen has the number of the senior editor at RadarOnline? It's certainly not shocking, that's for sure.

Charlie Sheen is a party animal. He seems to like to work during the week and then turn his weekends into one long, drug fueled, stripper fest with a bunch of mattress actresses. But then on Monday or whenever it is that he is supposed to be back on the set of "Two and a Half Men", he's there! He puts in his time, he does his job and everything is fine. Yeah, not so fast.

"Two and a Half Men" is gold to CBS. That show nets them millions and millions. And they don't want anything to happen to their cash cow. Unfortunately, the cow likes to really party it up in the barn with all of his hooker heifers. This apparently has people worried for his "well-being". And really, in this situation, I don't know if they should get all up in arms about it.

See, some people can really party and still manage to live. Have you seen Keith Richards lately? He looks awful, but you can't tell me that thirty years ago, folks would have bet money that he'd be alive and kickin' it today. No way. But some folks are just like that. The human body is amazing. So many people think that the body is some precious little snowflake, but in reality, the human body kicks ass. It can take an awful lot of abuse. And Charlie Sheen seems pretty bent on seeing what his limits actually are.

On the one hand, I understand why people are concerned about Charlie Sheen. It would appear that he is on the path of self-destruction. On the other hand, as long as he can do his job and function, does it matter? I mean, no one wants to see anyone self destruct. I get that. But is he hurting anyone besides himself? Does he have children? Yes? OK, then. That's not good. If he was child free, I'd be free of criticism (other than the fact that someone with that much money should really find a better use for it other than hookers and blow). But he's not, so let's not overlook that.

Considering that the show is about a drunken womanizer (which is basically what Charlie Sheen is in real life), I don't know that CBS should really be messing with a good thing. After all, the show does seem funnier when you're aware of the back story that goes on in real life. Let him do what he does and leave him alone.

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Not-So-Shocking Willie Nelson Arrest

I haven't got a whole lot today. I did read that Willie Nelson was arrested for (wait for it) possession of marijuana.

::: blink ::: ::: blink :::

Really? Really? Is that what we've come to in our war against drugs? We're arresting Willie freaking Nelson who was, from all accounts, riding on his tour bus when it was pulled over and the evil leaf was subsequently discovered? Really? Look, I know that we can't come to any sort of an agreement about marijuana in this country, but can we at least come to an agreement about Willie Nelson and marijuana in this country?

The man is 77 years old and has been smoking pot since before I was born. Is there anyone out there who heard the news that Willie was arrested and was shocked to learn that it was for possession of pot? Of course there wasn't. You know why? Because Willie Nelson smokes pot. You know it. I know it. We all know it. And I'm not so sure that any of us care that Willie Nelson smokes pot.

Give the guy a break. We can even call it "The Willie Nelson Clause". Under this aptly named clause, there would be certain people who would be exempt from being busted for smoking pot. Willie Nelson....Cheech Marin (Chong, too, if you can find him)....Bob Dylan...Bob Marley...NOT Nick Nolte (because he's a crazy SOB)....And NOT Lindsay Lohan (for the same reason as Nick Nolte and because she needs help)....Woody Harrelson....you get my drift, right? They're not going to hurt anyone and it's almost like we expect them to be doing it, right? Right. So let's just back off of Willie Nelson, shall we?

I will say, however, that I can only wish for a life where I have nothing better to do than pull over Willie Nelson's tour bus and bust a 77-year old man for possession of marijuana. What a life that would be.

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Crack In The Crack

Plausible deniability can only get you so far, but it really isn't going to get you anywhere when you use it in situations where deniability is not only not plausible, but it's not even conceivable. You know, like when Paris Hilton said that she thought that the cocaine that fell out of her purse (which she claimed was not hers) was gum. Or when Lindsay Lohan said that the cocaine that was found in jeans that she was wearing wasn't hers because they weren't even her pants! Or when someone has crack cocaine shoved up their ass and claims that it's not theirs. Wait. What was that last one? You know...about the crack?

Right. Well, naturally, this takes place in Floriduh. According to the smoky folks over there at The Smoking Gun, a one 25-year old Raymond Roberts was pulled over for speeding. Upon approaching the car, the authorities noticed the strong stench of marijuana and subsequently searched our hero. It was during said search that "...Deputy Sean Cappiello "felt a soft object in the crack of his buttocks," (and) the suspect "began to tense up." Roberts volunteered to remove the item. “Let me get it, hold on” he said, and proceeded to place a "clear plastic baggie with a green leafy substance." Nice of Mr. Roberts to voluntarily remove the substance from his own butt crack for the officer.

But, wait! There's more! The deputy who searched him asked him if that was it. Meaning: Are these all of the drugs that you have hidden in your butt? Of course, Mr. Roberts claimed that was all that was in his butt. But wouldn't you know it? The deputy decided to continue to search Mr. Roberts and reported: "I then searched his shorts again and felt another object that was in the crack of his buttocks. I pulled the object out from the exterior of his shorts and a clear plastic baggie with a white rock substance fell to the ground." Oh, for cryin' out loud!

Did Mr. Roberts really think that even though they found the first of his posterially concealed substances, somehow, they weren't going to find the other ones? Or maybe because he had such a solid alibi, he just wasn't worried about it. That's right. He had an alibi as to why things were falling out of his butt. He told the cop “The white stuff is not mine, but the weed is.” Oh, what the what? For reals? Yes. For reals. See, "...he claimed...that the crack in his crack was the property of a friend who had previously borrowed the car and left the drug on the passenger seat." Right. Because if there's one thing that defines people who use drugs, it's their inability to always know the whereabouts of their drugs. Drug users are always leaving their drugs just lying around on the front seat of people's cars.

Regardless as to whether or not Mr. Roberts' statement is true or not (it isn't), I'm kind of thinking that once something is IN your body (or at least, very close to being IN your buttock-al region), you don't get to claim that it isn't yours. That's no longer a choice. In the glove compartment? Under the passenger seat? Sure. Give it a whirl and try to get out of those situations by claiming it isn't yours. But when you're clenching it between your arse cheeks, you've got nothing. Oh, wait. I take that back. You have a pretty funny story.

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How Not To Smuggle Drugs Into Prison

A father should be willing to do anything for his son, shouldn't he? Theoretically? Probably. But I'm pretty sure that there's a line even with the father-son relationship. Pretty sure. I'm not a father and I don't have a son, but if I did have a son, I think that he'd have to go without his black tar heroin in prison if it meant that I (as the hypothetical father) would have to smuggle it into the prison shoved up my arse and then remove it to transfer it to my son via an open-mouthed kiss. Wait. What?

That's the story out of Colorado that we learn from CBS8 in San Diego. Go figure. It would seem that a one 29-year old Donald Curtis Denney was serving time in a Colorado prison for robberies that he committed in San Diego in 2006. Now, you might wonder how this man could have gone so astray in his life, but when you hear about his father, it will all be crystal clear.

See, the father and the son spent two years coming up with an ingenious plan to smuggle some black tar heroin into the prison. (I don't know what makes that any different from regular heroin or if it is what is in the highest demand in prisons these days, but they felt the need to mention it, so I'm guessing there is some sort of a significance to it.) Two years. Two years to come up with this plan. I'm so shocked that it was thwarted. I don't know. Maybe they would have gotten away with it if they hadn't been planning their idiotic (and extremely disgusting) scheme during phone conversations which, because the son was in prison, were monitored. That's right. They could have just walked up to the authorities and told them of their plan and saved themselves a whole lot of time.

Aside from that, you'd think that after two years of planning, you're going to come up with something at least halfway decent. Not in this case. Nooooo. After two years, the best that these guys could come up with AND what they ended up agreeing upon was for the dad to shove a golf ball sized piece of this black tar heroin up his arse and get it into the prison that way. How is that going to help anyone when it still has to be transferred from anus to prisoner? It's not like they didn't think of that! Come on! Give them a little credit! They planned for the dad to take it out of his rectal region, put it in his mouth and then give his son a big ol' open mouthed kiss and transfer it that way. Oh. God.

Two years?! What in the hell were the plans that they decided against? What wasn't as brilliant as the plan that they settled upon?! What? Were other ideas just too disgusting or something? I like to think of the arse as an "out only" instrument. Only out! ONLY. OUT. But this guy thought otherwise. Not only did he think otherwise, he saw nothing wrong with taking what does come out (after it had been inserted in) and putting it in his mouth. What in the world is wrong with some people?

I have absolutely no idea how the guy planned to get it from Point A(rse) to Point B(ehind tongue). I also have absolutely no idea why CBS8 decided that it would be a good idea to interview the father's neighbor. Said the neighbor, a one Mike V., "I felt so disgusted and would never imagine taking something out of my butt and putting it in my mouth in the first place, but to kiss my own child -- it wouldn't happen." Well said. Then again, the open-mouthed kissing of an adult child would be the least of my concerns. My main concern would be the fecal covered object in someone's mouth, really. But Mike seems more concerned about the kissing. To each their own, I suppose, but that would be secondary.

All was foiled when they did a body cavity search on Mr. Denney when he went to visit his son. That's what happens when you make stupid-ass plans over phone lines that are being monitored (you know, because you're in prison) and then go through with them. Yep. That's exactly what happens. And in case you're wondering, Mr. Denney, Sr. looks just exactly how you'd expect him to look. Behold!

Good Lord. It's like Popeye on crack. Don't do drugs, kids! And for God's sake, don't put them up your arse and then in your mouth and then go around kissing someone in prison in an attempt to transfer said drugs. Just don't.

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