Intestinal Fortitude

The other day we learned about a woman in Scranton, PA who was arrested with something like 51 packages of heroin, 30-some odd drug baggies, 8-1/2 prescription pills and fifty-two dollars and twenty two cents, all conveniently packaged within the warmth and comfort of her own vagina. Well, if she's looking for a date or something, I think I have found the perfect person to hook her up with.

Meet Neil Lansing. Mr. Lansing resides in Sarasota County, Florida. According to the blog Jonathan Turley (Mr. Turley is a "...nationally recognized legal scholar who has written extensively in areas ranging from constitutional law to legal theory to tort law." I find his blog to be very interesting.), when Mr. Lansing was being booked into jail, a "virtual Cornucopia" turned up during the cavity search. In case you're unfamiliar with a cavity search, let me just say that those doing the searching were not dentists. I'll let you noodle the rest of that through.

Inside of his rectum (for those of you still noodling, you can probably stop now, as I'm sure you can figure out which cavity we are referring to here) they found some contraband. Let me take this opportunity to mention that I am really glad that my career path has taken me in directions so that I will never have to be in the position of discovering items that someone has shoved up their bodily cavities that are supposed to be "Out Only". But I digress. They found the following items:

17 Oxycodone pills

1 cigarette (Really? Up...there? You can't tell me that thing was still in tact after all of the...inserting and...removing. Cigarettes are kind of fragile. They're certainly not meant for deep drilling purposes.)


6 matches (It doesn't specify what kind of matches. I'm hoping that they were waterproof.)

1 flint (A flint?!?! Was he expecting to be participating in some sort of Boy Scout Jamboree? Having a flint up your ass is probably the epitome of the slogan "Be prepared".)

1 empty syringe with eraser over needle (Of course. An eraser. For protection. Safety first! What, pray tell, what he planning on injecting with said syringe? Never mind. I don't want to know.)

1 lip balm container (It doesn't say if there was any lip balm actually in the container. I could see not wanting chapped lips, but considering where the balm would be coming from, I think I'd tough it out.)

1 condom (Again, safety first! I certainly hope that he was planning on removing all of his supplies before he would be taking one for the team. I'm guessing that there's not much room in there for anything else, let alone Bubba's penis.)

1 CVS receipt (For tax purposes. Sure. That makes sense. It's either that or he was planning on returning something. Please, sir. For the love of all that is good and has not been up your rear end, please don't try to return any of that. )

And finally, one...coupon? (What the what? OK, I understand being frugal and thrifty, but in jail? What's he planning to save a dollar on? Is that where he normally keeps his coupons? What's that like when he goes to check out? "Just a minute. I have a coupon for that. Where is it?...Let's see...I know I brought it with me...Oh! That's right! I have inserted it into my rectum!"

Mr. Lansing was subsequently charged with being a dumbass. OK, that wasn't the official charge, but do you have a better name for it?

Sphere: Related Content

So Gross And So Hazardous To Your Health

The FDA is now going to have more graphic warnings on cigarette packages. That's not a bad idea. You know and I know that no one reads those things. Then again, it's not like you can't figure out that smoking is bad for you. But yet, people continue to do it. I know, I know. Supposedly, quitting smoking is harder than quitting heroin. I don't know about that. I've never smoked and I've never been addicted to heroin, but it seems like a pretty strong comparison, so let's just say that quitting smoking is hard, shall we?

According to The Washington Post, the new warnings will consist of "...images that could include emaciated cancer patients, diseased organs and corpses." Nice. Apparently the new warnings will no longer be regulated to just the side of the cigarette pack. No, now they will take up "...half the front and back of each pack and 20 percent of each large ad." That's a pretty significant amount of space on each pack. And since it's on the front and the back, it's not like there's going to be any getting away from it if your pack is just lying around. It is going to be a bit imposing on ol' Joe Camel, though. (Is he still around? Dead? Lung cancer? I'm not really sure. But I've always thought that his nose looks a bit like a penis. I don't know what that has to do with making someone want to smoke or not, but it's fairly undeniable that that's what it looks like. Penis.)

Here are a few of the proposed images that the FDA is mulling over. This one shows a guy with a tracheotomy hole and he's still puffing away on a cigarette. The caption reads "WARNING: Cigarettes are addictive". Geez. Yeah, I'd say.

This one says "Warning Cigarette smoke can harm your children". What a cute little baby. How much do you want to bet that they don't use that one because it's a black baby and they don't want to be accused of being racist and saying that cigarette manufacturers are trying to kill black babies? That's what this country has come to, so don't be surprised when it happens.

And this one says "Warning: Cigarettes cause fatal lung disease." But then they have a picture of a toe tag on a corpse. How is that helping? Why not show a diseased lung inside of a dead person? That would hit it home for a lot of folks, wouldn't you say?

Most of the ones that I looked at were along these same lines. They're fairly tame. But, then again, we've become a rather soft nation, so it doesn't really surprise me, even though it does sadden me. Then I learned that other countries have been putting gross pictures on cigarette packages for years. And those other countries don't mess around with the pictures that they came up with. Holy Toledo. Let's take a gander over there at Brazil, shall we? This one starts off with "Infarto". (I think we used to call each other that on the playground in elementary school.) Then it shows a picture of a human heart in a human chest with a bunch of cigarette butts put out in it. Good Lord! That's disgusting! And that's on the pack of cigarettes that someone is going to willingly buy? Holy crap. It's a wonder anyone smokes at all having to look at that. Behold! Infarto!

Here's another one from Brazil. It appears to depict a very premature and ridiculously small little baby. It's incredibly sad. I don't understand folks who smoke when they're pregnant. I don't get it at all. Seriously, what is wrong with you people? You can't quit for the sake of your unborn kid? Oh, I'm sure you'll be a great parent. Uh-huh. Let me know how that turns out. Actually, never mind. Don't. I can already guess.


The one below, from the UK, almost caused me to hurl. It is absolutely disgusting. I don't even know what the deal is with the guy on the left, but it appears that the inside of his neck is trying to escape. As for the one on the right, I can barely look at it without cringing. I have awesome teeth and that just makes me want to vomit. It definitely does NOT make me want to smoke. Good job, UK!


Singapore heeded to my picture of a diseased lung idea from above. Here's what they did to their packs. You know, the amount of space that it takes up is stunning. It's not like you can miss that or anything. It's just gross.

And the last one that I'm going to include is NOT for the faint of heart. Holy canoli, I can't imagine why anyone would ever think of starting to smoke if they had seen something like this first. Seriously. Behold! The dangers of smoking!
Wow. Really? Gangrene? I didn't know that smoking could cause gangrene? How does that work? Well, it's not good, whatever the situation. Smoking. Is there anything in your body it can't ruin? Apparently not. I don't know if stuff like this is going to do much for the person who has been smoking a long time. It might help for those who haven't been smoking for very long. I'm really hoping that it helps those who haven't even started yet. Make sure kids see stuff like this often as soon as they're of age to get it. Why would you want to start after seeing in graphic detail what it can do to you?

Sphere: Related Content

Reverse Natural Selection?

Sometimes, you just have to see things to believe them. And I think that a lot of the times when that is the case, once you see them and once you believe them, that doesn't necessarily mean that you understand them. That's why you're usually left just wondering what in the world is wrong with a lot of people. And that would include wondering what in the world is wrong with the media covering such stories.

Take, for example, the family of Ardi Rizal. Ardi and his family live in Indonesia. And according to the Washington Post, there has been somewhat of an uproar after "Shocking photos of....Ardi Rizal puffing away on up to 40 cigarettes a day" came to light. Sure, sure. I know a lot of people smoke 40 cigarettes a day. I don't know how in the world that they afford it, but I know that they do it. The thing that makes this a little bit more of a head scratcher is that Ardi is 2. As in "years old". Two years old. Smoking up to 40 cigarettes a day. Wait. He's two and he...? That's right.

While I am usually a huge fan of the Washington Post, I am not a huge fan of how they covered this story. If they were trying to win some sort of a prize for presenting the subject in the most irrelevant manner possible, then they were on top of their game. Other than that, well, I'm just glad I didn't pay for it or anything (even though I still feel a little gypped). They talked to a one Matthew Myers of something called the Campaign for Tobacco-Free Kids which is located in Washington, D.C. Mr. Myers was quoted as saying, "This reflects a pervasive problem in many low-income countries where tobacco companies market their products to an uneducated public." Really? Are they marketing their products in such a way that it is implied that babies should be smoking cigarettes? No? OK, then. Anything else?

Unfortunately, yes. He also stated that "...anybody, at any age, can buy cigarettes in Indonesia". Wait. What now? Anyone, regardless of age, can buy cigarettes in Indonesia? Oh, now I see why that's a relevant fact! Of course. Because this two-year old wouldn't be able to smoke if he hadn't been able to go out and purchase the cigarettes that he's smoking on his own, right? Of course not! What does that have to do with anything?! Oh, nothing? Let's move on.

Now, a one Seto Mulyadi, who heads the country's child protection commission, "...blamed Ardi's two-pack-a-day habit on advertising and clueless parents." Well, that's a little bit better. Though I'm still not sure what advertising has to do with this. I'm really liking the pointing the finger at the clueless parents, however. It's probably an understatement to say that's the most likely culprit here.

But maybe I'm wrong. Let's check in with this toddler's parents and see if they strike us as being of the clueless bent, shall we? First, we'll hear from the boy's mother, Diana. "He's totally addicted. If he doesn't get cigarettes, he gets angry and screams and batters his head against the wall. He tells me he feels dizzy and sick." She apparently doesn't seem to see her part in all of this. She apparently doesn't seem to think that she is the parent and that she is in control and that, eventually, all of the screaming will subside. Hmm. Yep, there are definitely indicators of cluelessness here. Let's check in with the father next.

But wait. Before we do that, I should probably also mention that not only does this two-year old smoke two packs a day, he also "...weighs 56 pounds. He's too fat to walk far so he gets around on a plastic toy truck." Yeah, see, just when you thought that it couldn't get any sadder, then it does. Let's quell that sadness with anger, OK?

The boy's father, Mohammed, is the moron who gave the kid his first cigarette when he was 18 months old. Nice job, Mohammed. Now your kid is incredibly fat and addicted to cigarettes. How does that make you feel, Mohammed? "He looks pretty healthy to me...I don't see the problem." Really?! He can't walk, you dumbass! Do you see other two-year olds getting around on a plastic toy truck whilst smoking a cigarette? No? Then he's NOT OK, you nitwit!

Seriously, I know that there are different cultures and all of that, but this has so much wrong with it that I really can't even make up anything good to say about it. I guess they're not fortunate enough in Indonesia to have things like Child Protective Services or stuff like that? (That really is a question, as I have absolutely no idea about the social services of the Far East.) Oh, wait. I just read that there is some intervention being attempted with this family. "Concerned officials offered to buy the family a car if Ardi quits." A car?! That's how social services work in Indonesia? They bribe folks to do the right thing?! Grand. Good luck with that, Indonesia. Gooooood luck with that.

The video of this tragic, preventable and completely unnecessary situation is below. If it doesn't load, try clicking here. Oh, yeah, and thanks (I think) to my friend for bringing this to my attention.

Ardi Rizal - The real SMOKING BABY !! free videos" classid=clsid:D27CDB6E-AE6D-11cf-96B8-444553540000 width=364 height=291 type=application/x-shockwave-flash>

Sphere: Related Content

Facebook Police to the Rescue

Look, we all know that there are people out there who are a-holes. And the best defense against said a-holes is to keep away from them. You know them when you see them, so just stay away. And while that is perfectly logical rule of thumb to follow, that sort of logic seems to just go right out the window when it comes to Facebook.

See, on Facebook, if someone sends a "friend request" to someone that they hardly know, barely know or perhaps don't even know at all, chances are good that the other person (the one whom they don't know, that is correct) will accept their "friend request" and allow them access to their sequestered Facebook world. This is something that I do not understand. It may be that I don't get it because I don't feel the need to boost my own ego with a falsely inflated friend count. Currently I have 42 friends on my Facebook page and I have some sort of a personal relationship with every one of them. Even so, from time to time I find myself wondering what in the hell I'm doing with 42 friends and briefly perusing them to see if there's anywhere that I can cut back. (I haven't found anyone yet. Nice work, guys. Keep it up!)

Look, having people that you don't really know on your Facebook page means that you could be electronically fraternizing with psychopaths, serial killers, child molesters and the list goes on. I highly doubt that is the case in most instances, but what I will guess is the case in most instances is that you're electronically fraternizing with morons. Mouth breathing, paste eating morons.

I'll attempt to make my case by bringing you the ordeal of a one eighteen year old Rebecca Davey of Southend, Essex (that's in England) and her small child, Ollie (cute name). According to the folks across the pond at the Mail Online, Rebecca had posted a picture on Facebook of her child, the previously aforementioned Ollie, with an unlit cigarette in his mouth. Behold!

OK, part of me sees that picture and the first thing that part thinks is "Awww..." Then the other part of me sees that picture and wonders if that first part of me should have been thinking "Awww..." Whether I should have thought "Awww..." or not, I know what I most certainly should not have been thinking. What I shouldn't have been thinking was, "Oh, my God! I have to call the police!" Wait. What?

Correct. According to the article Rebecca "...was reported by online friends who spotted the picture of baby Ollie." What I find most disturbing about that, other than all of it, is the part where it appears to be plural. Plural. As in 'more than one'. More than one person who acted like a Deutschbank and called the cops because the kid had an unlit cigarette in his mouth. Are you kidding me? What is wrong with you people?

It became apparent that something was amiss when "Some w***** reported me to the police abwt picture off ollie." Being as how this was in England, I'm guessing that the "w" word is wanker. And wanker indeed. (I did not know that you couldn't print wanker in the papers in England. What's the American equivalent of wanker? D**khead? You certainly can't print d**khead, but I don't think you could print that in England either. I'm open to any theories or knowledge on this subject.)

Here's what I am going to hope happened. I'm going to hope/assume that Rebecca 'friended' a bunch of people on Facebook that she didn't actually know. People that you don't' actually know are more likely to act like morons than people that you do know, especially when it comes to being sanctimonious and calling the cops for something as harmless as a photo of a baby with an unlit cigarette in his mouth. Those people, those self-congratulatory, pious, judgmental individuals are the ones that were the problem. I'm hoping that if she had only kept people that she actually knew on her Facebook that this wouldn't have happened because when people actually know you they don't tend to go running off to the police for something as asinine as this. Granted, having a photo of your kid with a cigarette plastered on Facebook probably isn't the best idea anyone has ever come up with, but it shouldn't result in having the cops come to your house for a welfare check on the kid.

By the way, "Essex police visited Rebecca's home in Southend, Essex, but said there were 'no immediate concerns' for the child's welfare. Social services also made inquiries." See? Just because you've got a cute little picture of a child with tobacco doesn't mean that you're a bad mother. Rebecca later posted "Why Would SomeOne Do That To Me U Ollie No was taking U Yur Mine for lyfee Darlinggg Mummy Loves You :)" There you have it. If you're going to turn this chick in for anything, what say you make it to the Grammar Police or something. But if you're going to make your life available on Facebook, what say you only 'friend' people that you know and lessen the chances that you're going to have some moron go running off to the cops because they have deemed your parenting skills to be less than able. After all, there's a reason why it's called "friending". Think about it.

Sphere: Related Content

Your Search For Cigarette World Records Is Over

You know, people find this blog a variety of ways. Not the least of which is my shameless self promotion. But there are other ways that I have nothing to do with. And it would seem that a lot of people are extremely curious as to the world record of who has either smoked the most cigarettes at one time or had the most cigarettes in their mouth at one time and smoked those. (They sound like the same thing, but they're different.) And in another post I did months and months ago, I casually mentioned that there was a world record for smoking the most cigarettes. And when people search for this topic, they stumble across this blog. And that's great. But I feel a little guilty that there isn't anything here for them to find. It really was given just as brief a mention as I gave it just now. But no more.

No, from now on, those searching for this topic (even though I have no idea as to why) will no longer be disappointed. Now they will have facts and dates and photos and commentary to ooh and aah over. And I'm hoping that if you found this blog because you were searching for info on the cigarette smoking world record(s), that you will tell me why you need to know this. And it's not just you, it's a fair amount of folks that have a craving for this subject. I just want to know why that is. Help me out here. It's the least you can do. (Well, that and link something to this blog. And tell everyone you know. And come back and read it once in a while yourself. It's the least you can do.)

OK, most cigarettes in the mouth at one time. That record seems to be held by a one Jim Mouth. Yes, Mouth. Jim Mouth is a comedian and he is also the holder of 22, yes, 22 world records. That also makes him the self proclaimed world record holder of holding the most world records. Interesting distinction. But he's not hoarding the world records for his own personal use. He turns the whole ordeal into a performance of sorts and usually does this on behalf of different charities as a way of raising thousands of dollars for the charities. What a guy. That's nice.

Jim, as his name seems to imply, has a big mouth. It is in that mouth that he has managed to shove 159 cigarettes, light them and smoke them. (By "smoke them" I mean "take a puff until you feel like you're going to puke and then spit them out"). He has also managed to cram in that same mouth 41 cigars, 40 pipes, 18 hot dogs, 280 straws, 80 cigarettes + 12 cigars + 3 pipes, 60 smokeless cigarettes,180 French fries and one large Chicago pizza. (All at separate times, by the way.) I'm not quite sure why he can only fit in 60 smokeless cigarettes when he can shove 159 regular cigarettes in there, but that's what it says on his web site.

Now, if we're talking about the world record for the most cigarettes smoked at one time but that are not necessarily all in the mouth at the same time, then we would be referencing a one Stefan Sigmond. Stefan is from Cluj in Translyvania and he was 29 on January 31, 1996 when he set the world record for smoking the most cigarettes at once in Bucharest. He smoked 800 cigarettes. (Filter-tipped and "western" cigarettes, according to the AP article. No word on what "western" means, but I'm guessing the AP didn't want to pimp Marlboro so they went with "western" instead.) They were placed in this round, kind of wheel-like looking contraption and then lit. For just under six minutes, Stefan puffed and he puffed and then he had a world record. (Did you think I was going to finish of with "blew the house down"? That'd be silly.)

Stefan also holds other world records. In 1995, he ate 29 hard boiled eggs in just 4 minutes (and he and everyone around him was probably reminded of this feat for LONG after the 4 minutes had passed, but long BEFORE the 29 eggs had. Passed, that is.). He also jumped into a lake from a platform that was 135 feet tall. I don't know exactly why that is a world record, but I guess it is. Well, it was a world record. See, at some point, Guinness decided that it wasn't exactly, what's the word, classy? Maybe? Couth? Nah, but I'm getting closer. Non-litigious? THERE we go! I think that they may have been worried about being sued at some point if they condoned activities that, as they put it, encouraged "gluttony and foolhardiness." So these things are no longer in the Guinness Book of World Records (now known, affectionately and abbreviatedly by me as the GBWR).

Now, just because these feats of foolhardiness are not in the GBWR, does that mean that they're not World Records? That's up to you. If you think that Guinness is the utmost authority on world records and it's only a world record if they say it is, then I guess not. But if you think "Screw Guinness! The guy smoked 800 cigarettes at once!", then perhaps they ARE world records. Perhaps only to you. But if you just start designating various gluttonous and foolhardy feats as being "world records" without the Guinness seal (stamp?) of approval, then technically you're just making stuff up. What you're going to need to do is get your own stamp of approval and start the "Gluttonous and Foolhardy Records of the Universe" or something so that you will at least appear as if you have some validity (even though we both know the truth).

So there you go, all of you looking-for-information-about-cigarette-smoking-world-records guys. There's what you sought and found. Oh, you're welcome. Now tell me why you need to know this crap.

Sphere: Related Content