Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Facebook Police to the Rescue

Look, we all know that there are people out there who are a-holes. And the best defense against said a-holes is to keep away from them. You know them when you see them, so just stay away. And while that is perfectly logical rule of thumb to follow, that sort of logic seems to just go right out the window when it comes to Facebook.

See, on Facebook, if someone sends a "friend request" to someone that they hardly know, barely know or perhaps don't even know at all, chances are good that the other person (the one whom they don't know, that is correct) will accept their "friend request" and allow them access to their sequestered Facebook world. This is something that I do not understand. It may be that I don't get it because I don't feel the need to boost my own ego with a falsely inflated friend count. Currently I have 42 friends on my Facebook page and I have some sort of a personal relationship with every one of them. Even so, from time to time I find myself wondering what in the hell I'm doing with 42 friends and briefly perusing them to see if there's anywhere that I can cut back. (I haven't found anyone yet. Nice work, guys. Keep it up!)

Look, having people that you don't really know on your Facebook page means that you could be electronically fraternizing with psychopaths, serial killers, child molesters and the list goes on. I highly doubt that is the case in most instances, but what I will guess is the case in most instances is that you're electronically fraternizing with morons. Mouth breathing, paste eating morons.

I'll attempt to make my case by bringing you the ordeal of a one eighteen year old Rebecca Davey of Southend, Essex (that's in England) and her small child, Ollie (cute name). According to the folks across the pond at the Mail Online, Rebecca had posted a picture on Facebook of her child, the previously aforementioned Ollie, with an unlit cigarette in his mouth. Behold!

OK, part of me sees that picture and the first thing that part thinks is "Awww..." Then the other part of me sees that picture and wonders if that first part of me should have been thinking "Awww..." Whether I should have thought "Awww..." or not, I know what I most certainly should not have been thinking. What I shouldn't have been thinking was, "Oh, my God! I have to call the police!" Wait. What?

Correct. According to the article Rebecca "...was reported by online friends who spotted the picture of baby Ollie." What I find most disturbing about that, other than all of it, is the part where it appears to be plural. Plural. As in 'more than one'. More than one person who acted like a Deutschbank and called the cops because the kid had an unlit cigarette in his mouth. Are you kidding me? What is wrong with you people?

It became apparent that something was amiss when "Some w***** reported me to the police abwt picture off ollie." Being as how this was in England, I'm guessing that the "w" word is wanker. And wanker indeed. (I did not know that you couldn't print wanker in the papers in England. What's the American equivalent of wanker? D**khead? You certainly can't print d**khead, but I don't think you could print that in England either. I'm open to any theories or knowledge on this subject.)

Here's what I am going to hope happened. I'm going to hope/assume that Rebecca 'friended' a bunch of people on Facebook that she didn't actually know. People that you don't' actually know are more likely to act like morons than people that you do know, especially when it comes to being sanctimonious and calling the cops for something as harmless as a photo of a baby with an unlit cigarette in his mouth. Those people, those self-congratulatory, pious, judgmental individuals are the ones that were the problem. I'm hoping that if she had only kept people that she actually knew on her Facebook that this wouldn't have happened because when people actually know you they don't tend to go running off to the police for something as asinine as this. Granted, having a photo of your kid with a cigarette plastered on Facebook probably isn't the best idea anyone has ever come up with, but it shouldn't result in having the cops come to your house for a welfare check on the kid.

By the way, "Essex police visited Rebecca's home in Southend, Essex, but said there were 'no immediate concerns' for the child's welfare. Social services also made inquiries." See? Just because you've got a cute little picture of a child with tobacco doesn't mean that you're a bad mother. Rebecca later posted "Why Would SomeOne Do That To Me U Ollie No was taking U Yur Mine for lyfee Darlinggg Mummy Loves You :)" There you have it. If you're going to turn this chick in for anything, what say you make it to the Grammar Police or something. But if you're going to make your life available on Facebook, what say you only 'friend' people that you know and lessen the chances that you're going to have some moron go running off to the cops because they have deemed your parenting skills to be less than able. After all, there's a reason why it's called "friending". Think about it.

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