Monday, January 11, 2010

Welcome to the Chattanooga Walmart

If we're going strictly by what we see over at People of Walmart (and if you don't know what I'm talking about, please click that link and take a gander and you'll see what I mean), we could be left with the impression that those sorts of people would behave in a certain sort of way. Then again, if we had evidence to back up that theory, it wouldn't be much of an assumption now, would it? No, it would not. And trust me, it isn't.

Dateline: The Chattanooga, Tennessee Walmart.

Sub-dateline: On Gunbarrel Road. (No, I did not make that up.)

According to the (didn't make that up either, but I kind of wish that I had), on December 27, 2009, a one Joseph Anthony Hill tried " force his way pass the Wal-Mart greeter with a shopping cart loaded with TVs and a computer." Of course he did. At that point "Wal-Mart loss prevention personnel attempted to stop Hill" but "he forced his way past them and refused to produce his receipt." Huh. They don't seem to be very good at the "loss prevention" part of their job if they can't stop the "loss" of some TVs and a computer, though I will note that they called them "personnel" and not "specialists", so I guess they've kind of admitted right there that there's not much they're going to be able to do. But, rather than discussing the semantics of job titles regarding the Walmart door Nazis, let's take a gander at Mr. Hill, shall we? Behold!

Yeah, that seems about right. Back to the loss prevention personnel. It's highly likely that they probably wouldn't have been able to do anything if it hadn't been for an off duty policeman, a one Officer Josh Wright, who saw the hubbub and stepped in. He identified himself as a cop and showed the (allegedly) thieving Mr. Hill his badge. Mr. Hill looked at said badge, determined it was fake and attempted to continue on his merry and feloniously thieving ways. This resulted in Mr. Hill getting taken down to the ground by Officer Wright and placed under arrest. No word on where the loss prevention personnel was during all of this. I'm guessing that they were probably scrutinizing the receipt of someone that they just barely watched buy a pack of gum not five feet from where they were standing.

Now, in some states or in some shopping establishments, that might have been the end of the ordeal. But when I tell you that Mr. Hill was there with his wife, a one Lisa Hill, you can probably ascertain for yourself that the incident did not stop there.
For some reason, within moments of her beloved spouse's arrest, Ms. Hill "...began acting as if she was having a heart attack and stated she did not know Hill." Wait. She what?

She feigned a heart attack. A heart attack that...also...brought upon...amnesia? What now? How does that happen? "OH, my God! My heart! My heart! I think I'm having a heart attack and I definitely do not know who that guy is! Nope! Never seen him before! Ever! My heart! My heart!" The article doesn't explain how these two go hand in hand, so we're going to have to assume that it was just like the scenario I just laid out there.

Some time during the midst of this production, a witness "...told Officer Wright that Lisa Hill was lying and that she had observed both the Hills in the store together." Really?! I am shocked. Simply shocked! What else?

Well, I guess that the witness figured that she had done her good deed for the day and attempted to leave the Walmart. That's when Mrs. Hill suddenly recovered from her cardiac arrest sufficiently enough to begin calling the woman a liar. She had made such an improvement from her alleged heart attack only moments before that she managed to summon the strength to follow the witness out to the parking lot and even found the energy to threaten the woman along the way. At some point, her complete recovery was witnessed by Mrs. Hill grabbing the woman's hair, throwing her to the ground and pummeling her with her fists. All they need now is a referee and a whole lot of Jell-O and they've got themselves a party! (And probably a traveling reality show.)

Now, I don't know what I would do in that situation if I were the one being attacked by a recently recovered cardiac arrest induced amnesiac. I'm sure I would have been yelling for help. I might have tried to grab for my cell phone. (No! Not to video it and put it on YouTube! To call 911, you cynic!) But the woman in this situation knew exactly what to do. That's right. She took a knife out of her purse and stabbed the woman!

Oh, my God! What the hell is going on over there at the Tennessee Walmarts?! Good Lord! Look, there are plenty of people out there that I'd like to stab. There are certainly plenty of people out there that I've thought about stabbing. The problem is that it is rare that I ever have a stabbing implement with me at the time. This woman had one all ready to go and handy right there in her purse! The article doesn't state what kind of knife it was. It could have been one of those big ol' Bowie knives that you can behead a deer with. Or (and I'm guessing, most likely) it could have been one that she had stolen from the Sizzler. The bottom line is she had a knife in her purse and she stabbed a crazy fake heart attack woman in the parking lot of a Walmart.

What have we learned here? Quite a bit, I'd say! We've learned that loss prevention at Walmart isn't very effective unless, strictly by coincidence, there is an off duty cop there at the same time. We've learned that the mass theft schemes of folks like Joseph Hill are highly ineffective. We've learned that some people believe that a heart attack will also cause you to lose your memory for a very short period of time, but that you can be reinvigorated a short time later and just enough to assault a fellow shopper. And finally, we've learned that it doesn't seem all that odd for a woman to be packing some sort of stabbing utensil in her purse for just such an occasion while she shops at Walmart.

Oh, and we've also learned that those pictures over there at People of Walmart are definitely worth at least a thousand words and that we can make a fairly reasonable guess as to what those words are going to say.

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