Thursday, January 21, 2010

Gettin' Knotty

This one is odd but, sadly, it's not the first time we've heard of something like this. That probably indicates that it won't be the last either. Huh. Unfortunate.

Let's go over to Airdrie, which is in the United Kingdom (in some place called Lanarkshire, possibly North Lanarkshire) and read what the Scottish Sun has to say about one 21-year old and old enough to know better William Shaw. It would seem that Mr. Shaw managed to get himself banned from a public park. Not all public parks, just one park in particular. He was banned from Central Park in Airdrie for demonstrating behavior that's really not appropriate for a park. Actually, it was behavior that really wouldn't be deemed appropriate anywhere. However, most of those places would be outside and since a park would also be outside, it's really not going to make much of a difference that he was banned from A park because he can just go to another park. Or a forest. Or an arboretum. There are a multitude of places that Mr. Shaw could go to engage in his untoward behaviors. What's that? The behavior? Oh, I'm sorry, I almost forgot. Yeah, he was having sex with a tree. Wait. What now?

Correct. A tree. He was having sex with a tree. Fornicating with nature. (WARNING: A multitude of puns, some bad, some even worse, will be forthcoming. Be prepared.) He must have really been pining for something like that. (See? And that's only the beginning.) According to the article, this whole thing started growing roots last September when it was alleged that "...he dropped his trousers and underpants and exposed himself while in the visitor attraction." Um, I don't know about you, but behavior like that is not much of an attraction for me. No, more like a distraction at the very least. Offputting as hell is what it is.

I'm assuming that since the tree couldn't come bark to his place with him that it's what led him to allegedly try "...to have simulated sex with the tree while his trousers were around his ankles." Now, look, while I really don't need to dissect thing thing from top to bottom, I have to ask where in the hell else his trousers would have been if he was, in fact, doing what it was alleged that he was doing! I mean, sure, it's a tree and all, but the sex part is still the same and you've gotta have your pants off (from what I can remember).

He was released on bail "...on the condition that he stays away from Central Park." And again I ask, how in the world is that going to help?! It's a tree! It's knot like you can't find another tree somewhere, right? I mean, I wouldn't find another tree! I wouldn't find A tree in the first place. But apparently Mr. Shaw wood!

"Last night Shaw was unavailable to discuss the allegations at his flat." Um, I don't think that "unavailable" is the most accurate term. Unless by "unavailable" he means "unwilling" in which case it's exactly the same thing. Fortunately, there was a neighbor that was available for comment who stated "I have seen him about and he seems a quiet lad."

::: blink ::: ::: blink :::

Um, how loud and/or quiet is one supposed to be before they will be labeled as an obvious tree humper?! I'm not so sure that the decibel level of ones voice and/or other body functions that make noise is any sort of an indicator of this sort of behavior. In fact, I'm pretty darned sure that it's NOT! AT all! What is wrong with you people who are the neighbors of weirdos? Why is that the only damn thing that you ever have to say?

Seriously. It doesn't matter if you're a tree lover (quite literally, in this case) or a serial killer, if your neighbors are interviewed they're always going to say "They were pretty quiet." Or "I didn't really know them that well." Well, of course they were and of course you didn't. Because if they weren't quiet and if you did know them well, you'd find out that they were the sort that likes to fornicate with flora! THEN would you be happy?! I don't think you wood!

Just once I'd like to hear someone say something like, "Oh, that fruitcake? Humpin' a tree, you say? Oh, well, that doesn't surprise me in the slightest. The other day I caught him fondling my azaleas for the umpteenth time! He's always out in his yard, pleasuring himself with the pansies. One day I caught him stroking that tree over there, calling her a 'dirty birch' or something like that. I asked him to leave." You never hear that. (Actually, I'm kind of glad that we never hear stuff like that. Carry on. You were saying? He was a quiet lad...)

I just have a couple of questions. One, how did this guy avoid getting splinters? I'm thinking that if you're going at it with a tree of all things, you're going to be running a fairly serious risk of getting stabbed in your grundle on more than one occasion. And two, if he felt like getting really knotty, do you think he'd have a treesome?

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