Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Twittering Away Your Privacy

Wow. Six days into the new year and I've already come across the first human being that I want to just go away. That's right. Away. I want for this person to go away and to never be heard from again for the rest of the year. Hey, it's only 359 days. I don't think that's unreasonable. By the way, the abhorrent individual that I'd like banished from the planet is Tila Tequila.

Tila Tequila, who you may or may not care to be aware of (and you're better off if you have had no clue as to who this chick is up until now. Sorry to ruin your clueless bliss.), is "famous" for being a media whore, from what I can figure out. She managed to land a "reality show" (and in reality, it was quite a show all right. It was a show of exactly how low a human being can actually stoop for the purpose of being on TV at some point in their existence) on MTV called "A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila". Sounds classy, right? Oh, it was! It was your basic low-rent dating show, but to spice things up a bit, they made it all bisexual and stuff. So this chick had her choice of 12 or so male contestants and 12 or so female contestants. The episodes had scenes with titles such as Foam Party, Car Wash,Brandi & Rebecca Make Out and Brandi & Vanessa Shower. Oh, yeah. The epitome of classy. Can you say whoo-urr?

So basically, what you have here is your basic chick who wants to be famous but has absolutely no talent what so ever, so she uses her body (and probably the Internet to a large degree, though I'm guessing the MTV gig didn't hurt) and the "allure" of her "bisexuality" to get her "famous". Whatever. I'd prefer she go to college or something like that, but something tells me that this chick is dumber than a box of hair. Being a TV whoo-urr might be all she's got.

Tila Mezcal Tequila ends up hooking up with some chick named Casey Johnson who is an heiress to the Johnson & Johnson fortune. People like Casey Johnson should not be heiresses. They're not very heiress like. And she was one of the ones who just could not control herself due to her societal standing or whatever you want to call it. Rich. The fact that she was ridiculously rich led her to have no desire what so ever to control herself in any fashion. To give you some idea as to this woman's character, according to the gawky folks over there at Gawker, somewhere around the 1st of December, Ms. Johnson was arrested "for grand theft after stealing fancy clothes and baubles from a supermodel ex...the thief stole jewelry, shoes, 600 pages of a legal document, clothing—even her underwear. The thief also left a bizarre calling card—a used vibrator was found in her bed and a wet towel was on the floor." See? What'd I tell you? Classy. Who does stuff like that? Who doesn't hang up their towel after they've used it to dry off? I will never understand folks like that.

Is it going to come as any shock to you when I now tell you that Ms. Johnson is now dead. Correct. Dead. 30 years old and dead as a doornail. (I have no idea what that figure of speech means, but I threw it in to try and hit home that I don't give a fat rat's ass about any of the individuals in this tawdry ordeal.) As you can imagine, this came as quite a shock/surprise/(panic that she wouldn't have access to all of that money any more) for Ms. CuervoTequila. After all, the two had been "engaged" and had been calling each other their "wifey". Uh, whatever. Anyway, she was shocked so she did the only thing that someone whose "fiance" has just passed away would have done. That's right. She tweeted.

Wait. What now?

That's right. She tweeted about it. Tweeted. As on Twitter. She got on her Twitter (figuratively speaking, of course) and tweeted. What a twit. Look, I have this "rule" or whatever you want to call it for how people should act when someone dies. My "rule" is that you have free reign to act however you want to act while you deal with someone's death. You want to eat Chunky Monkey ice cream in the shower every morning because that helps you with your grief? Have at it. I won't say a word. But I think I'm going to have to amend my "rule" to "Do whatever you want except for tweet." That's my new rule. And that's why I need Tila MargaritaTequila removed from the planet as quickly as possible.

The first tweet from the grief stricken Ms. Jose Cuervo Tequila read: "Everyone please pray 4 my Wifey Casey Johnson. She has passed away. Thank u for all ur love and support but I will be offline to be w family". That was at 5:37pm on January 4th. And that seemed perfectly reasonable to me. I still abhorred Tila Tequila at that point, but not because of the tweet, just because of who she is as a person. She wasn't at "get off of the planet" status at that point. But she's going off to be with family and I can totally respect that.

And I did totally respect that right up until 6:24pm, less than an hour later, that same day when she tweeted again. Uh, what happened to being offline to be with family? The tweet read: "This is a very heartbreaking time for me. I just want some pricacy as I deal with the loss of my Fiance Casey Johnson. I'm heart is shredded". First of all, let's assume she meant privacy. And while we're at it, let's just assume she meant my instead of I'm. Now you're with me. Um, sweetie, you could have all of the privacy (or pricacy) you wanted if you'd stop freaking tweeting!

Wait! Her love of pricacy (and/or privacy) only lasted six minutes that time! At 6:30pm she becomes completely confused and tweets: "I just got news that my fiance is not dead but currently in a coma!!! Omg please pray that she will make it! Hang in there my love please!!!" I'm not sure how one goes from being dead to being in a coma, but I'm going to guess that she was either looking for drama or grief strickenly confused. (Or completely at a loss as to how she's going to pay for anything now that her heiress sugar mama has departed. It's probably one of those.)

At 6:33pm, Ms. Patron Tequila suddenly believes that those who are comatose (or who have already passed) are going to make it some sort of priority of their to check Twitter and see what's up in the tweeting world. She tweets: "I know u can feel me Casey! Dot let go! I'm almost home baby please hang on! We have a beautiful life planned out for us! I LOVE u! Hang on!" Yeah, she's not reading that. Even if you could read Twitter after you had died, why in the world would you want to? All of the stuff that you could do and you're going to see who is tweeting about what? No wonder you died. You have no life.

At 7:02pm, 1 hour and 25 minutes after the first tweet in which she stated her desire for privacy (or pricacy, we're still not real sure about that) but yet still tweeted four more times, she tweets: "I'm still in shock! Once again thank U for the outpour of love and support. I just wish to have some privacy at this heartbreaking time." You can have your damn privacy AND your pricacy all you want, but you have to pipe down FIRST!

Make her go away. Seriously. Now. Make her go away. But wait. Not before I mention something. Those two were serious partiers. Ms. Johnson had a drug problem and her family had cut off funds to her until she went to rehab and completed a stint. Ms. ShotglassTequila over there knew that the whore-ess had a drug problem and yet continued to party away with her. She certainly didn't stop her from partying. Full autopsy findings are being delayed until the infamous toxicology reports come back. I will guarantee you that this chick was likely intoxicated, had drugs in her system and I'm going to lay my money on cocaine as the drug of doom in this situation. So Tila, while you're over there looking all over Twitter for your "privacy", maybe you could also look for your human decency while you're at it because if you loved this chick as much as you say that you did, you would have helped her rather than just gone off and partied with her. Now please take yourself and your contribution to her demise and get out. We're done here. Nothing else to see.

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