Sunday, January 3, 2010

The De-Evolution of Sleepy Meth Man

Wow. It is only the third of January, a mere three days into a brand new year and I think that we have a front runner for Dumbass of the Year. And I'm not trying to get your hopes up or anything here, but this guy could be hard to beat.

Surprisingly, this formidable candidate does not hail from the great state of Flori-duh, but rather it's a place called Murfreesboro, Tennessee which he calls home. According to WSMV-TV, a 31-year old and old enough to know better Nathan E. Beasley decided to put his love for chemistry to use by cooking himself up a batch of methamphetamine. Crystal meth, if you will. That's dumb in and of itself. But Mr. Beasley must have been an aspiring chemist with a rather busy schedule and didn't appear to have the time (Translation: He's King of the Morons) to set up a proper stationary meth lab in his parent's basement (I'm picturing parents with a basement in this scenario). What to do, what to do? It's a head scratcher all right. But leave it to Mr. Beasley to come up with a solution. That's right. He just put the meth lab in his vehicle. Wait. What now?

Actually, let me clarify that statement a bit. He didn't just put the meth lab in his vehicle and toted it around town with him. No, he was operating the meth lab in his vehicle. That is correct. Making meth on the go. For that drug fiend with a tight schedule. Seriously, sir, what in the world is wrong with you? Well, plenty from what I can tell (and I'm not done yet)!

This little stunt alone would put Mr. Beasley in the running for Dumbass of the Year. He's clearly a contestant. But what has him as the easy front runner on the third day of the new year is that he was operating his mobile meth lab whilst he was parked at a gas station. That's right. He pulled this vehicle, which was chocked full of chemicals that were combining and reacting with each other in a process that can cause things to get a little explode-y from time to time, right up to the gas pumps. Gas. Hmmm. Hey, wait ! Isn't gasoline another highly flammable and highly explosive chemical? I believe it is! A genius this man is! Sheer genius. But wait! There's more!

Wait. More?

More. Much, much more.

Methamphetamine is known for its ability to keep its user awake for days on end. Thus, in a twist of irony that probably no one saw coming, while pulled up at the gas pumps and cooking meth in his vehicle, Mr. Beasley fell asleep. Dun-dun-dunnnnnnnn!

Are you kidding me?! He fell asleep?! ASLEEP?! You've got a trunk load of meth there, boy! And you're dozing off while your hazardous chemical reaction going on there just bubbles away (I picture it bubbling) and endangers everyone within a five mile radius should that thing explode at a gas station?! You're the worst meth maker on the go ever.

It was when Mr. Beasley had been passed out for over an hour that the attendant at the gas station called the police. According to the Murfreesboro Post, Mr. Beasley was "...unresponsive inside the vehicle in the driver's position" and "...Officers quickly noticed he was in the process of cooking methamphetamine in the rear of the vehicle." Soooo....wait. They "quickly noticed" this incredible show of asshattery going on? Does that mean that it wasn't in the trunk? Does that mean that he was doing this in the back seat?! I ask you again, what in the world is wrong with you, sir?! A spokesman, a one Kyle Evans, said "The fluids in the bottles were in the process of chemical reaction and were actively cooking.” Good Lord. What a moron.

And what I find almost equally moronic (almost equally, but not quite because I don't think that you can really top that) is the headline that the Murfreesboro Post went with. "Police resuce man from meth lab in car". Wait. What? Rescue? Rescue?! They didn't rescue him. They woke him up! It's not like the meth lab was attacking him or anything! He fell asleep! Rescue? Really, Murfreesboro Post? Really?

So what have we learned? Too much, if you're asking me. But basically, the key element that we've learned here isthat if you're going to manufacture methamphetamine in your car, you should probably do a little bit of it first so that you don't fall asleep in front of the gas pumps and then find yourself being awakened by the authorities as the Hazmat folks dismantle the potential bomb that you have bubbling in the backseat. Anything else that you've learned in addition to that is simply gravy. Charles Darwin may now go on vacation. His work is done here.

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