Not Intended To Be Factual

Here's a new one. Man, I always hate it when I say that. Only because it means that something more ridiculous than previously thought has occurred. It's almost never really good. And I'd guess that probably only about half of the time it's amusing. And this instance follows those guidelines. Not really good and kind of amusing. But only amusing in the way that is so ridiculous that you don't know what else to think.

Let's take a look at some of the profound statements of a one Senator Jon Kyl (R-eally? Arizona.) Senator Kyl is the Senate Minority Whip. I don't know what that is and I don't think that I care. If I had to make an assumption, I'd probably guess it has something to do with Miracle Whip, but I don't know what. Regardless, Senator Kyl had the floor on Friday during the whole budget showdown/will the government shut down debacle of 2011. He said that abortion was “well over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does.” And for the record, really only about three percent of Planned Parenthood's work has to do with abortion. There's a big difference between almost all and almost none. But that's OK. It wasn't supposed to be factual. Wait. What?

Correct. It wasn't meant to be factual. What was it meant to be? According to the thinking folks over at Think Progress, "...CNN anchor TJ Holmes relayed a statement from Kyl’s office walking back the comment". How do you walk something like that back? It's so far out of the gate, isn't it going to be impossible to walk back? Not if you're a moron, apparently, Kyl's office explained that "his remark was not intended to be a factual statement, but rather to illustrate that Planned Parenthood, a organization that receives millions of dollars in taxpayer funding, does subsidize abortions." But....but...he said....what...whatis going on here?!

His remark was not intended to be a factual statement? Why in the hell not?! Isn't that what you're supposed to be doing when you're making an argument for your side? Give your basis in facts?! No? When did that change? Oh, that's right. IT DIDN'T. You can't just say something that is totally false and then pull a Pee Wee Herman on everyone and say, "I meant to do that!" That's not how this works!

I certainly hope that this doesn't become some sort of trend. I hope that all of these clueless politicians don't just start blowing alleged facts out of their arse and then blow over it when they're confronted on their falsehoods by saying that it wasn't supposed to be the truth and that it was supposed to illustrate a point. Oh, believe me. Senator Kyl made a point all right. He made the point that he's clearly not fit for the office that he holds. He made the point that he'll say whatever he needs to in order to sway people whichever way he wants to. He made the point that he isn't about the truth, he's just about what he wants. I can't get behind that. We're just doomed. Doomed, I tell you.

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Stay Classy, Mississippi

Something called Public Policy Polling did a poll the other day (shocking, I know) of the fine folks of Mississippi. According to their data, they polled "...400 usual Mississippi Republican primary voters from March 24th to 27th". I don't know what a "usual" Mississippi voter would be. Nor do I know how they differ from the "unusual" Mississippi voters. Judging from one of the results, however, I am now afraid of the "usual" Mississippi voter and I'm not really thinking that they should be voting at all.

They asked a bunch of questions about how the usual Mississippi Republican primary voters felt about a variety of potential candidates for a variety of potential politician positions. Things like Senator, President, Governor. You know. The usual choices for people that will end up doing a sub-par job at whatever they're elected to do. But then they decided to ask them a question that doesn't seem to have anything to do with politics at all. They asked if the respondents "...believe interracial marriage should be illegal". I didn't even know that something like that needed to be a question anymore. But apparently, when you're in Mississippi, it most certainly does, as 46% of respondents believe that it should be illegal. What. The. Hell.

Forty-six percent. Really, Mississippi? Almost half of you guys think that interracial marriage should be illegal? Are you dry shaving me?! And don't think that means that more than half of those polled think that it should be legal, as only forty percent answered that it should be. What is wrong with the other fourteen percent of you? You don't know? You can't figure that one out? You don't have an opinion? How can you not have an opinion on something so insane?! Wow. Wow. Wow. Oh, but wait a minute! I just noticed that the margin of error on this poll is +/- 4.9%. That means that it could be as high as over half of Mississippi thinks that interracial marriage should be illegal. Wow. Did I say wow? Yeah, wow.

I don't really know what to say about this. I'm a little stunned. I mean, sure, there are always jokes about Mississippi and how fat and backwards they are, but I hoped that they were just jokes. Clearly, they are not. Clearly, stereotypes are based on at least a sliver of reality. And in this case, they're based on at least 46% of reality. Stay classy, Mississippi. And stay there. Please. Stay there.

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Now That's A Traffic Jam

You think your commute is bad? Have you heard about the traffic jam in China? Holy canoli, it's unreal.

Get this: There has been a traffic jam for the past ten days! DAYS! Not hours! DAYS! What the what? How is that possible?! According to The Wall Street Journal, it's pretty basic. Too many cars and not enough roads. Really? Yeah, we had no idea that was going to be the answer. Seriously, Wall Street Journal? That's all you've got?

That's all they've got. Apparently, it's a combination of roadwork and a bunch of heads up a bunch of arses. When you're selling at least 13 million vehicles per year and you only have the roadways to keep up with about a thousand vehicles per year, eventually, you're going to find yourself in this sort of a pickle.

The cars are moving somewhere around the rate of about a third of a mile per day. Umm, no. You can't tell me that people aren't just abandoning their cars and saying, "Screw this! I'm walking!" It would be tough not to. At that rate, you could be in your car and stuck in this crap a mile from your home and it would take you three days to get there?! Are you kidding me? Are we sure this is real?

It apparently is. And if you're wondering, as was I, how one makes it through a ten day (and counting) traffic jam, the kind folks over there at The Wall Street Journal have provided pictures for us to get some sort of an idea of what a hellhole that must be right now. It also allows us to be pretty freaking thankful that we're not there. Behold! A ten day traffic jam!

Oh, well. That seems to explain it. They appear to start off with no lanes at all and then expect folks to move in an orderly fashion into only three lanes. Yeah, that should work about as well as...well, as it's working. And they also seem to keep the cars and trucks separated until a specific point, at which time things don't seem to go as smoothly as one would wish. Behold!

That seems highly ineffective. That and the fact that they've been stuck in traffic for ten days! Yeah, that was my other clue. I suppose you might be wondering how these unfortunate drivers take care of various daily activities when they're stuck in their car on a Beijing road. (Don't get too excited. They explain everything except for the one that you know everyone wonders about first.) As far as eating, "Villagers along Highway 110 took advantage of the jam, selling drivers packets of instant noodles from roadside stands and, when traffic was at a standstill, moving between trucks and cars to hawk their wares." Behold!

Hmm. I suppose the sanitary conditions in which those noodles were prepared isn't exactly foremost on the minds of those folks, eh? But man, those "vendors" get into position quickly. And if this picture is any indication, they're not going to be caught empty handed. Look at this, will you? Behold!

They're certainly an entrepreneurial people, aren't they? Now, just because the drivers are willing to eat food that was prepared under questionable conditions at best, that doesn't mean that they're just going to sit around in their own filth! They're going to have to "bathe" somehow. Behold!

Oh. Well. That's...off-putting. Or...something. I'm just glad he kept his spandex undies on...or whatever those are. Once the bathing is finished, then the fun can really begin! And nothing says passing the time in a ten day traffic jam like eating some watermelon wedges and playing cards on top of a newspaper. Behold!

They don't seem to be too concerned with eating their melons. Why is that? Shouldn't they be more concerned about some sort of nutrition than they are about playing Go Fish? Well, regardless, they're going to get awfully tired after a few days of doing nothing in their cars. Don't expect them to sleep in there, either. Why do that when there's a perfectly good roadway to lie down on and a perfectly good truck to curl up under? Behold!

That guy can get as comfortable as he wants, as rumor has it that the traffic might not clear out until the middle of freaking September! Stay tuned!

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The De-Evolution of Sleepy Meth Man

Wow. It is only the third of January, a mere three days into a brand new year and I think that we have a front runner for Dumbass of the Year. And I'm not trying to get your hopes up or anything here, but this guy could be hard to beat.

Surprisingly, this formidable candidate does not hail from the great state of Flori-duh, but rather it's a place called Murfreesboro, Tennessee which he calls home. According to WSMV-TV, a 31-year old and old enough to know better Nathan E. Beasley decided to put his love for chemistry to use by cooking himself up a batch of methamphetamine. Crystal meth, if you will. That's dumb in and of itself. But Mr. Beasley must have been an aspiring chemist with a rather busy schedule and didn't appear to have the time (Translation: He's King of the Morons) to set up a proper stationary meth lab in his parent's basement (I'm picturing parents with a basement in this scenario). What to do, what to do? It's a head scratcher all right. But leave it to Mr. Beasley to come up with a solution. That's right. He just put the meth lab in his vehicle. Wait. What now?

Actually, let me clarify that statement a bit. He didn't just put the meth lab in his vehicle and toted it around town with him. No, he was operating the meth lab in his vehicle. That is correct. Making meth on the go. For that drug fiend with a tight schedule. Seriously, sir, what in the world is wrong with you? Well, plenty from what I can tell (and I'm not done yet)!

This little stunt alone would put Mr. Beasley in the running for Dumbass of the Year. He's clearly a contestant. But what has him as the easy front runner on the third day of the new year is that he was operating his mobile meth lab whilst he was parked at a gas station. That's right. He pulled this vehicle, which was chocked full of chemicals that were combining and reacting with each other in a process that can cause things to get a little explode-y from time to time, right up to the gas pumps. Gas. Hmmm. Hey, wait ! Isn't gasoline another highly flammable and highly explosive chemical? I believe it is! A genius this man is! Sheer genius. But wait! There's more!

Wait. More?

More. Much, much more.

Methamphetamine is known for its ability to keep its user awake for days on end. Thus, in a twist of irony that probably no one saw coming, while pulled up at the gas pumps and cooking meth in his vehicle, Mr. Beasley fell asleep. Dun-dun-dunnnnnnnn!

Are you kidding me?! He fell asleep?! ASLEEP?! You've got a trunk load of meth there, boy! And you're dozing off while your hazardous chemical reaction going on there just bubbles away (I picture it bubbling) and endangers everyone within a five mile radius should that thing explode at a gas station?! You're the worst meth maker on the go ever.

It was when Mr. Beasley had been passed out for over an hour that the attendant at the gas station called the police. According to the Murfreesboro Post, Mr. Beasley was "...unresponsive inside the vehicle in the driver's position" and "...Officers quickly noticed he was in the process of cooking methamphetamine in the rear of the vehicle." Soooo....wait. They "quickly noticed" this incredible show of asshattery going on? Does that mean that it wasn't in the trunk? Does that mean that he was doing this in the back seat?! I ask you again, what in the world is wrong with you, sir?! A spokesman, a one Kyle Evans, said "The fluids in the bottles were in the process of chemical reaction and were actively cooking.” Good Lord. What a moron.

And what I find almost equally moronic (almost equally, but not quite because I don't think that you can really top that) is the headline that the Murfreesboro Post went with. "Police resuce man from meth lab in car". Wait. What? Rescue? Rescue?! They didn't rescue him. They woke him up! It's not like the meth lab was attacking him or anything! He fell asleep! Rescue? Really, Murfreesboro Post? Really?

So what have we learned? Too much, if you're asking me. But basically, the key element that we've learned here isthat if you're going to manufacture methamphetamine in your car, you should probably do a little bit of it first so that you don't fall asleep in front of the gas pumps and then find yourself being awakened by the authorities as the Hazmat folks dismantle the potential bomb that you have bubbling in the backseat. Anything else that you've learned in addition to that is simply gravy. Charles Darwin may now go on vacation. His work is done here.

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Louisiana - The Lower 48's Alaska

Well, Alaska is not alone in their voting populous not really caring if their politicians are law abiding politicians. Breathing is apparently the only qualification that one needs to be re-elected in Louisiana as well. Seriously, what is wrong with you people?

William Jefferson, a Republican, seven term congressman from Louisiana, was just re-elected last week for his eighth term. That's a pretty amazing feat in and of itself, getting elected to Congress eight times. But what I find incredibly amazing (or maybe just incredible. Definitely unbelievable.) is that the guy was re-elected to his eighth term even though he is currently under a Federal indictment of 16 charges for bribery, racketeering, obstruction of justice and money laundering. When the FBI searched his home, they found $90,000 in cash in the freezer! Probably next to a bag of peas! I know of no people who keep $90,000 in cash in their freezer.

Of course, that's not all they had on him. It's alleged that there is a videotape of Mr. Jefferson accepting cash bribes to the tune of $100,000 in $100 bills. Oh, and it's probably also worth noting that two of his associates have already pled guilty to soliciting bribes on his behalf. Said associates are now in prison with one of them serving eight years in prison and the other one serving seven. If Jefferson is found guilty of all of his charges, he faces a maximum of 235 years in prison, a number of years so ridiculous, I don't know why they even bother with the actual figure. 'For the remainder of his life, most likely' is a good enough explanation for me of what sort of time he's facing. I don't need to know that if he does manage to live well beyond the typical human lifespan capacity and make it to 235 years old, that he will be spending that longevity behind bars.

We're talking hundreds of thousands of dollars in bribes over several years. The indictment alone is 95 pages long! They watched the guy as part of a public corruption probe for over 14 months! And you folks voted him BACK into office with 57 percent of the vote! He had 90K in his freezer!! What are you people thinking?

According to the folks over at the McPaper, USA Today, a one Eugene Green, Jefferson's chief of staff, said that he believes that folks voted for Jefferson because "many in his district, the only predominantly African-American one in the state, perceive him as being a key figure in helping the region bounce back from the wallop of Hurricanes Katrina and Rita in 2005." Well, how come I keep hearing about how the region has not bounced? And those were three years ago. You'd hope, wouldn't ya, that things would have bounced by now? Do you think that it took three years because he was bouncing all by himself? I don't think that's a good enough reason. What else do you have?

Well, the article continues to say that "This summer, Jefferson helped lead a delegation of House leaders, including Democratic Majority Whip James Clyburn of South Carolina, on a tour of New Orleans and the Gulf Coast." Wait. What? Because the man is a good tour guide it was reason enough to vote him back into office?! And if you're wondering why it was important for the article to mention that James Clyburn was there, that's a reasonable inquiry. One which I don't have an answer for because the article didn't say. (Perhaps he's just a difficult person to take on a tour. You know, the kind always hopping over the velvet ropes, not staying in line, those sorts of things.)

His brown nosing chief of staff also added "I don't think you can be in Congress as long as he's been without having made good relations with your colleagues. It's because of those relationships that he's been so effective." And I don't think you can work for a politician for as long as I'm guessing you have without being able to throw out a line of bull-s every time you open your mouth to defend him. Spare me.

So, basically what the voters are saying is that if they perceive that an elected official is doing a good job for them, then it's perfectly OK for them to break the law along the way and not have to worry about not getting re-elected. I just don't understand that line of thinking. What if it wasn't bribery or some other white collar-y crime? What if the guy was indicted for being a prostitute stabbing, serial killer? Would that be OK with y'all because at least he's getting the hookers out of town? Pedophile? Polygamist? Either of those grounds to note vote someone into public office? Anyone? Anyone? Probably not.

I think the democratic process that we have in this country is about as good of a system as you can have. It's not flawless, but what is? It works the way that it is supposed to work. But when you have to rely on voters who are misguided, misinformed, uninformed, or just completely unable to see the bigger picture, well, it frightens me. Do you folks really even understand the importance of being able to cast a ballot? It's a responsibility and it's one that I wish the people in Louisiana and Alaska would take a bit more seriously. At least inform yourselves, people. Please.

The sage in the video below is the type of voter that I am most afraid of. Actually, no, he's the type of voter that I am the next most afraid of. The type of voter I am most afraid of is the type who is completely clueless and votes anyway. The guy below is completely clueless (not only on the issues, but also on the process and the basic rules thereof), but at least he made the right choice in the end. You're going to want to be sitting down when you watch this. I'd hate to have you pass out and hit your head.

I don't know what's more unbelievable. That he didn't know that the President can only serve two terms or that he thought that Bush was doing a good job. It might be the latter.

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