Now That's A Traffic Jam

You think your commute is bad? Have you heard about the traffic jam in China? Holy canoli, it's unreal.

Get this: There has been a traffic jam for the past ten days! DAYS! Not hours! DAYS! What the what? How is that possible?! According to The Wall Street Journal, it's pretty basic. Too many cars and not enough roads. Really? Yeah, we had no idea that was going to be the answer. Seriously, Wall Street Journal? That's all you've got?

That's all they've got. Apparently, it's a combination of roadwork and a bunch of heads up a bunch of arses. When you're selling at least 13 million vehicles per year and you only have the roadways to keep up with about a thousand vehicles per year, eventually, you're going to find yourself in this sort of a pickle.

The cars are moving somewhere around the rate of about a third of a mile per day. Umm, no. You can't tell me that people aren't just abandoning their cars and saying, "Screw this! I'm walking!" It would be tough not to. At that rate, you could be in your car and stuck in this crap a mile from your home and it would take you three days to get there?! Are you kidding me? Are we sure this is real?

It apparently is. And if you're wondering, as was I, how one makes it through a ten day (and counting) traffic jam, the kind folks over there at The Wall Street Journal have provided pictures for us to get some sort of an idea of what a hellhole that must be right now. It also allows us to be pretty freaking thankful that we're not there. Behold! A ten day traffic jam!

Oh, well. That seems to explain it. They appear to start off with no lanes at all and then expect folks to move in an orderly fashion into only three lanes. Yeah, that should work about as well as...well, as it's working. And they also seem to keep the cars and trucks separated until a specific point, at which time things don't seem to go as smoothly as one would wish. Behold!

That seems highly ineffective. That and the fact that they've been stuck in traffic for ten days! Yeah, that was my other clue. I suppose you might be wondering how these unfortunate drivers take care of various daily activities when they're stuck in their car on a Beijing road. (Don't get too excited. They explain everything except for the one that you know everyone wonders about first.) As far as eating, "Villagers along Highway 110 took advantage of the jam, selling drivers packets of instant noodles from roadside stands and, when traffic was at a standstill, moving between trucks and cars to hawk their wares." Behold!

Hmm. I suppose the sanitary conditions in which those noodles were prepared isn't exactly foremost on the minds of those folks, eh? But man, those "vendors" get into position quickly. And if this picture is any indication, they're not going to be caught empty handed. Look at this, will you? Behold!

They're certainly an entrepreneurial people, aren't they? Now, just because the drivers are willing to eat food that was prepared under questionable conditions at best, that doesn't mean that they're just going to sit around in their own filth! They're going to have to "bathe" somehow. Behold!

Oh. Well. That's...off-putting. Or...something. I'm just glad he kept his spandex undies on...or whatever those are. Once the bathing is finished, then the fun can really begin! And nothing says passing the time in a ten day traffic jam like eating some watermelon wedges and playing cards on top of a newspaper. Behold!

They don't seem to be too concerned with eating their melons. Why is that? Shouldn't they be more concerned about some sort of nutrition than they are about playing Go Fish? Well, regardless, they're going to get awfully tired after a few days of doing nothing in their cars. Don't expect them to sleep in there, either. Why do that when there's a perfectly good roadway to lie down on and a perfectly good truck to curl up under? Behold!

That guy can get as comfortable as he wants, as rumor has it that the traffic might not clear out until the middle of freaking September! Stay tuned!

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Driving? I Wasn't Driving.

Let's take a gander at what's going on down there in Flori-duh for a moment, shall we? Trust me, it won't take long.

Over there at the NWF Daily News, we learn of a one Charles Jesse Johnson who was out for a little drive on Christmas Day. Sounds nice. Nothing wrong with that. But the thing is that when he was at a red light, he decided he was better than the red light and just went right on through.

Now, I'm not necessarily judging that. We've all been there. The light is red. It seems like it's red forever. And we just want to go. There probably isn't another car around for miles. It's probably safe to go. But the difference between when I think that and (probably) when you think that and when Mr. Johnson thinks that is that you and I would look around for a cop. Once we've determined that there isn't one and that we are, in fact, the only car around for miles, we then proceed through the light. Mr. Johnson skipped the first part of those steps and went straight for the going through the light. And that was unfortunate because had he taken the time to complete Step One, he would have noticed that there was, in fact, a cop in the vicinity. That is, if you consider right behind you to be "in the vicinity".

That's right. There was an Okaloosa County Sheriff's Office deputy sitting right behind him. So Mr. Johnson turns left, the deputy follows suit and pulls Mr. Johnson over. This is where things start to get weird.

Mr. Johnson was the only individual in the vehicle. He was the only individual in the vehicle before the traffic stop and he was the only individual in the vehicle after the traffic stop. That is key as to understanding my complete bewilderment as to what Mr. Johnson thought that he was going to accomplish by getting into the back seat after he stopped his car. Wait. He what now?

Correct. According to the police report "He had jumped in there when the vehicle came to a stop." The article also stated that when Mr. Johnson's driving history was checked, it was discovered that his license had been revoked in June, but the he had also had his license revoked four other times and had it suspended seven times as well! He ended up being charged "...with driving with a revoked license as a habitual traffic offender." It's unfortunate that he couldn't have been charged with being a dumbass as well.

Seriously, what was he hoping to accomplish? Did he think that the cop was going to see him in the back seat and think "Huh. That's odd. I wonder how this vehicle was driving itself down the road. Clearly the only guy in the car couldn't have been driving it, as he is obviously in the back seat and we all know that wouldn't be possible." I don't think that could have happened, would have happened or even had the slightest chance of remotely happening ever! When the cop asked him for his license (provided that he didn't just go with the "What in the heck are you doing back there?" first), did he use his oh-so-rational line of thinking and try something along the lines of "What are you asking me for my license for? I'm in the back seat. What makes you think that I was driving?" I can't imagine.

So kids, pay attention here. If the light is red, please wait until it turns green before proceeding through the intersection. If you're going to even think of breaking traffic laws, use those shiny and reflective objects in your vehicle known as mirrors and make sure that law enforcement isn't in the area (or, at the very least, right behind you). And if you do end up getting pulled over, don't be playing musical chairs inside of your car and hopping from the driver's seat into the back seat. You're still going to get a ticket. The only difference will be that you'll get a ticket and you'll look like a freaking idiot.

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Now THAT'S Soliciting

Huh. I know very little about prostitution other than what the basics entail. And most of that I learned from that glorious 1982 movie, "Night Shift'. Who would have thought that combining the setting of a morgue and the business of prostitution would make for hilarious cinematic viewing pleasure. To quote Michael Keaton's character, Bill, "PROSTITUTION. What does that mean really? Sometimes it helps to understand a word if you break it down, so lets do that now shall we? 'PROS'...it doesn't mean anything. You can forget about that. 'TIT'...I think we all know what that means. 'TU' and 'TION'....Of course, from the Latin 'to shun'; To say "Uh-uh!" "No,thank you!" "I don't want it!" To push away. It doesn't even belong in this word really." That's a pretty good summary of my knowledge.

But no matter how shallow my knowledge, I can dig pretty deep when trying to figure out the best way to go about something. I'm all for a little trial, a little error (hopefully a little bit less on the error side than on the trial side), and seeing what does what. Therefore, I feel I can state with 98% confidence that the way to go about being a prostitute and soliciting your...um...prostitors? Oh, wait, got it! Customers! The way to go about being a prostitute and soliciting your customers does not involve stopping traffic so that passing motorists will practically be forced to notice you advertising your craft....by bearing your breasts. Wait. By what? What the what?

Correct. Now, surprisingly, this story does not originate in Florida, but rather in Maryland (which might earn itself the nickname "Florida of the Northeast" if its residents keep up behavior like this much longer). The folks over there at Baynet.com bring us the story of a one 39-year old "Sheila C. Vernon, of no fixed address." (I really like the use of the word "of" there. Couldn't they just have wrote "Homeless"? "Nomadic"? "Globetrotter"? "Of no fixed address" just kills me for some reason. Judging from the looks of things, I'm guessing that since her address isn't "fixed", it's probably "broken". It's also a pretty good bet that she is "Of no fixed income" as well.) It is alleged that on May 10, at 9:25 am, the ol' hookering business was a little slow and so Ms. Vernon decided to take matters into her own hands (which she usually does after she's secured a client) and drum up a little business herself. Absent a sandwich board and a bell, she apparently turned to Page Two in the 'Soliciting for Solicitors" handbook (Page One is an illustration of how to prop yourself up on the side of a street corner lamppost) and decided that standing out in front of traffic and giving suggestions to passing motorists was just the thing to get business booming again.

What it actually did was get the cops called. When they showed up, Ms Vernon was apparently, "...standing in the roadway soliciting the operator of a motor vehicle, who she had stepped in front of, for sexual acts and exposing her breasts." When was this again? May 10th? Mother's Day?! You're out in the middle of the road on Mother's Day looking for business?! I'm sure that it's exactly that very capitalistic ingenuity and unbridled enthusiasm for your craft that has her own mother simply beaming with pride! And at 9:25 in the morning as well. Kind of adds a double entendre meaning to "The early bird gets the worm."


Hopefully it will not surprise you to learn that Ms. Vernon "...was placed under arrest, charged with prostitution, two counts of indecent exposure and incarcerated in the Detention Center." She is apparently awaiting a hearing in front of someone with more authority than me who will be able to ask her, "What is wrong with you?"


I'd like to know how long she was out there, baring "the girls" as her business cards, before the cops showed up. Were all of her hooker clothes at the dry cleaner or something and she was afraid that potential clientele wouldn't recognize her as said hooker and so she felt the need to make it clear that she was? It wasn't even a button down top (which would have been much more convenient)! It's hard to be inconspicuous when you're literally lifting your shirt up and shouting out prices or items or however the hell that sort of thing works. The way I described it right there, it kinda sounded like a cattle auction, so I'm thinking it's probably not like that. Very much.

I am very grateful for the pictures of this incident! All of which were lifted with neither permission, nor malice, from Baynet.com. They're quite classic. She appears with her arm outstretched to the sides in more than one instance, leading me to believe that's the universal hooker gesture for "You want a piece of this?" She looks like an angry hooker, but can ya blame her? It's 9:25 in the morning on Mother's Day and you're out in the middle of traffic trying to sell your body to the highest bidder. Well, the lowest bidder. OK, fine, the bidder. Anyone will do! Anyone but the cops.

And thus, another Mother's Day in Maryland comes to a close before the day really even got started. But when you start your day off like that, I'm thinking it can never end too soon.

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