Sunday, January 17, 2010

Driving? I Wasn't Driving.

Let's take a gander at what's going on down there in Flori-duh for a moment, shall we? Trust me, it won't take long.


Over there at the NWF Daily News, we learn of a one Charles Jesse Johnson who was out for a little drive on Christmas Day. Sounds nice. Nothing wrong with that. But the thing is that when he was at a red light, he decided he was better than the red light and just went right on through.

Now, I'm not necessarily judging that. We've all been there. The light is red. It seems like it's red forever. And we just want to go. There probably isn't another car around for miles. It's probably safe to go. But the difference between when I think that and (probably) when you think that and when Mr. Johnson thinks that is that you and I would look around for a cop. Once we've determined that there isn't one and that we are, in fact, the only car around for miles, we then proceed through the light. Mr. Johnson skipped the first part of those steps and went straight for the going through the light. And that was unfortunate because had he taken the time to complete Step One, he would have noticed that there was, in fact, a cop in the vicinity. That is, if you consider right behind you to be "in the vicinity".

That's right. There was an Okaloosa County Sheriff's Office deputy sitting right behind him. So Mr. Johnson turns left, the deputy follows suit and pulls Mr. Johnson over. This is where things start to get weird.

Mr. Johnson was the only individual in the vehicle. He was the only individual in the vehicle before the traffic stop and he was the only individual in the vehicle after the traffic stop. That is key as to understanding my complete bewilderment as to what Mr. Johnson thought that he was going to accomplish by getting into the back seat after he stopped his car. Wait. He what now?

Correct. According to the police report "He had jumped in there when the vehicle came to a stop." The article also stated that when Mr. Johnson's driving history was checked, it was discovered that his license had been revoked in June, but the he had also had his license revoked four other times and had it suspended seven times as well! He ended up being charged "...with driving with a revoked license as a habitual traffic offender." It's unfortunate that he couldn't have been charged with being a dumbass as well.

Seriously, what was he hoping to accomplish? Did he think that the cop was going to see him in the back seat and think "Huh. That's odd. I wonder how this vehicle was driving itself down the road. Clearly the only guy in the car couldn't have been driving it, as he is obviously in the back seat and we all know that wouldn't be possible." I don't think that could have happened, would have happened or even had the slightest chance of remotely happening ever! When the cop asked him for his license (provided that he didn't just go with the "What in the heck are you doing back there?" first), did he use his oh-so-rational line of thinking and try something along the lines of "What are you asking me for my license for? I'm in the back seat. What makes you think that I was driving?" I can't imagine.

So kids, pay attention here. If the light is red, please wait until it turns green before proceeding through the intersection. If you're going to even think of breaking traffic laws, use those shiny and reflective objects in your vehicle known as mirrors and make sure that law enforcement isn't in the area (or, at the very least, right behind you). And if you do end up getting pulled over, don't be playing musical chairs inside of your car and hopping from the driver's seat into the back seat. You're still going to get a ticket. The only difference will be that you'll get a ticket and you'll look like a freaking idiot.

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