Monday, January 25, 2010

Coleman and Dick Are BACK

Well, well, well. It has been quite the weekend for "celebrity" arrests. By "celebrity" I mean Andy Dick and Gary Coleman, hence the quotation marks. Let's just see what these two have been up to lately, shall we?

Mr. Dick, er...I mean...wait. That IS his name, right? I guess I should call him that, right? Right. But it just doesn't sound right. You know what I mean? Why hasn't he changed that? Has that been his name his whole life? Oh, God! What if he DID change it and that's what he changed it TO! Now that would be a head scratcher. (Um, no pun intended, but if you see the humor in it, so be it.) Andy. I'm going to call him Andy.

According to a police report made available by the gods of gossip over there at TMZ, Andy was "...arrested in West Virginia...on two counts felony counts of sexual abuse in the first degree." Huh. Details please.

According to the article, "Dick was talking to a guy when he "unexpectedly and without invitation grabbed the victim's crotch, repeatedly groping then kissing him."Also in the complaint, a security guard at the bar says that Andy Dick "grabbed his crotch and began laughing" when the guard tried to give him an armband." Huh. So...felonious crotch grabbing of a jovial nature. Nice. Where was this again? West Virginia? Yeah, but where in West Virginia? Some place called Rum Runners? Wait. Let me double check that and make sure that it wasn't Rump Runners. Hmmm...nope. Nope, it really was Rum Runners. Nice.

This isn't the first time that Andy has been in trouble. No, again according to TMZ, back in 2008 he was arrested in the parking lot near a Buffalo Wild Wings restaurant after witnesses told officers that Andy "...approached two women as he left the restaurant. He allegedly walked up to a 17-year-old girl, grabbed her tank top and bra and pulled them down, exposing her breasts." He seems to have issues with all of the grabbing and the not being able to keep his hands to himself. I wonder if he missed the days of kindergarten in which that particular subject matter was covered.

TMZ has a copy of the complaint if you'd care to peruse it for yourself. They also have several photos purporting (translation: totally) to show Andy before he was arrested. Here are just a couple of those photos. Behold!

Yeah, I could see where there could allegedly be some alleged crotch grabbing in or around situations such as this one. And we're sure it wasn't Rump Runners? Huh. I guess the only question left is what in the hell Andy Dick was doing in West Virginia in the first place, eh?

Moving on to our next "celebrity" arrest of the weekend is one of my favorite "celebrities", a one Gary Coleman. Mr. Coleman, as you may or may not choose to remember, played the diminuitive Arnold in the sitcom Diff'rent Strokes. Ah, the sitcoms of yore. All you needed was a very short child injected into the script at some point and you had yourself a hit for some reason. Clearly, those were much simpler times with apparently much simpler people. God, we watched a lot of sappy crap in the 70s.

Mr. Coleman is no stranger to controversy as well. He has been arrested numerous times for numerous offenses, most of them involving assault of some form or another. I'm not quite sure how he is assaulting all of the folks that he allegedly did, but I'm guessing there was a phone book for him to stand on involved somehow.

Anyway, word just came across the wire (I've always wanted to say that) that Mr. Coleman was arrested for domestic assault down in Santaquin, Utah and is currently being held on $1,725 bail. Now, I've been to Santaquin. There isn't a whole lot around there and there certainly aren't a whole lot of people either. I think the population is around 8,000, which isn't quite as much as the 12,000 or so people in Payson, UT where he was arrested in 2008 for striking a man in a bowling alley parking lot with his car. Apparently, small towns really enrage Gary Coleman.

Given as how there aren't a whole slew of folks to choose from down there and given that the charge is domestic assault, I'm guessing that the victim is his Amazon wife, Shannon Price. Those two haven't had the smoothest of relationships. They relationship was dangerous at best before they got married and weird as hell after they got married. When they went on Divorce Court to discuss their issues, it was revealed that they had never consummated their relationship. I don't know if it was due to Mr. Coleman not being able to find a ladder or what, but I still find it odd that something couldn't have been worked out.

It was also revealed on the Divorce Court show that Mr. Coleman seems to have not only anger management issues, but also taking responsibility issues. (Can you have an issue with something that you don't have? He doesn't seem to take much responsibility for these things.) According to a transcript: "If he doesn’t get his way, he throws a temper tantrum like a 5-year-old does,” Price complains. “He like stomps the floor and yells, ‘Meehhhh,’ and starts throwing stuff around. He bashes his head in the wall, too.” Coleman counters that “the male is always the bad guy,” but acknowledges he does have his demons." Head bashing? Meeehhhh? How I would love to be a fly on the wall during one of those arguments. My life could very well be complete after witnessing something like that.

But that's in the past. So even though details are scarce at the moment with his current situation, what better way to focus on the present than to take a gander at his mugshot. Behold!

Oh, I can already tell....this one is gonna be rich. Stay tuned, won't ye?

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