Sweet Brown Returns

You remember Sweet Brown, right?  She's the amusing lady whose apartment building caught on fire and she "ran for her life" but not before getting bronchitis and later proclaiming "Ain't nobody got time for dat!"  Well, she's back and she's cashing in on her Internet fame.  That's right.  She's made a commercial for something called 18002SellHomes.  Yes, I realize that the number 2SellHomes has about three letters/numbers too many for a standard number.  I never really understood that.  I mean, if they don't care how many letters are in their number, why not just make it a complete sentence or something more catchy?  They could have gone with ToSellHomes instead of using the 2 and pretending like they're the Artist Formerly Known As Prince But Then Known As Something Else Before He Was Known As Prince Again.  But I digress.  I also I didn't write the ad.  I'm just passing it along to you.  Good for Miss Sweet Brown for getting a little something out of this.  I, myself, found her to be more entertaining than ol' Antoine Dodson.  But I must have been in the vast minority, because she didn't quite take off like Antoine did.  But she's helping someone sell homes, so there's that.  Behold! 

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Breaking Bad Sitcom

The TV show Breaking Bad returns tonight on whatever channel it's on.  It's a fairly intense show.  That's why I find it even more amazing that someone was able to piece together parts from the show and have it appear as if it were a sitcom.  A bad sitcom.  Likely from the late 80s or early 90s.  Complete with laugh track.  Yes, it's that bad.  Behold! 

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I'm Back

Vacation is over.  It was pretty cool, though.  Saw a lot of old friends and I got to watch a baby be born.  The birth was pretty cool.  I'm not necessarily going to recommend and/or endorse it, but I'm glad I was there to see it happen.  One thing about babies that I've noticed is that they smell great.  And that's pretty hard to believe considering where they came from.  Seriously, when you first see that little person all covered in muck and goo, you would never believe it if someone told you, "See that?  It's going to smell great!"  But it sure does.  I think that must be part of the master plan.  If it smelled repulsive, you wouldn't want to take care of it and as humans, we all would have died out a long time ago. 

But let's talk about my trip back.  I drove and I spent the night in Winnemucca, Nevada.  Now, if you've never been to Winnemucca, you're not missing much.  It's in the middle of the Nevada desert on I-80.  The general atmosphere is a mix between tumbleweeds, sadness and despair.  And from what I can tell, the entire town hasn't been updated since at least the 1940s.  I ran across this fabulous piece of real estate when I was there.  Behold! 

Can you believe that something like that is FOR SALE?!  I couldn't either!  And while the entire town doesn't look quite like this, it's really not too far off.  It's also fairly representative of the general attitude of almost everyone that I encountered whilst in Winnemucca.  (The exceptions being the lady that ran the motel that I stayed at and the homeowner who offered me a bottled water when I ran by his house in the morning because it was hot and he didn't want me to get dehydrated.  Other than that, morale was low.) 

And here is the highlight of my trip to Winnemucca.  What we have below is a picture of the outside of the Bar M Saloon.  Their brightly lit sign gives you an idea of what they have to offer.  Since it's kind of hard to see, I'll help you out.  It reads: "BILLIARDS  SLOTS  SCRAPBOOKING".  Behold! 

Wow.  Billiards, slot machines AND scrapbooking?  Not to mention that it's a saloon, so you can get your drink on as you shoot pool, gamble and organize all of those memories in a whimsical book!   Then again, I'd probably be drunk and scrapbooking too if I lived in Winnemucca.  The next time that I'm there (and there will be a next time) I am going to make a more concerted effort to look around that town and really see what's what.  I have the feeling that there are plenty more anomalies just waiting to be discovered. 

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Hello, Older Self

I should have done this.  I should have made a video when I was younger so that I could watch it when I was older and then have a virtual conversation with myself.  Then again, maybe not.  Do I really want to be remembered (in first person, none the less) of some of the atrocious things that I thought and/or did?  Probably not.  But this guy ended up having a very amusing and fairly entertaining conversation with his younger self. Behold!

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Marriage: Impossible

Have you heard that Katie Holmes is divorcing Tom Cruise?  Yep, it's true.  See, it's news like this that causes me to lose all faith in sham marriages.  I mean, they always seemed so happy whenever they were out in public.  Alone.  ALL the time! I'm sure that L. Ron Hubbard is rolling in his outer space grave as I type this.  Was it because she saw Rock of Ages?  Or because she found out that he had been in A Few Good Men?

The important thing to remember here is that there is a little person involved and Tom has feelings too.   And it has to be stressful on Tom.  Maybe John Travolta can recommend a good masseur.  Who am I kidding?  Travolta would massage Tom himself if given the chance.  And hey, does this mean that Suri has to go back to the props department??


Look, we all know that marriage is a Risky Business.  Maybe if they got together over a Cocktail and talked about stuff that they could work things out.  But probably not.  I have the feeling that Katie went into this marriage with her Eyes Wide Shut. She had to have known that there would be some Days of Thunder ahead of them, but she did it anyway even though it might have seemed like it would be Mission: Impossible. Maybe it was the Color of Money that caused them to split up. Tom Cruise might be a Legend who has All The Right Moves, but in the end, Katie just wants him to be Far and Away. 

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Where Are His Pants?

I ran across the cartoon below today.  While I'm a little tired of the whole "From Penn State to the State Pen" witticism, I thought that this cartoon was interesting only in the sense that the artist made it look like Sandusky isn't wearing any pants!  I can't imagine that this was on purpose, but come on!  Doesn't it look like he's pantless?!  You know it does. Behold! 
  

 

And again, I realize that it's not a misrepresentation of anything that went on, it's just weird. And kinda funny. That's all I've got.

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There's Not That Much Talent

America's Got Talent was on tonight.  I've seen a better selection of characters, but at least there was some variety.  Now, variety is something that you're not going to find on Buraydah's Got Talent.  Yeah, they're a little bit more rigid with their rules over there in Saudi Arabia, as I'm sure you can imagine.  It starts with no women or children being allowed to participate and it just goes from there.  I don't know how they're going to find the next Susan Boyle without allowing women in, but then again, that might not be exactly what they're looking for.

 As long as you're not a woman or a child and you don't sing or dance, you can participate in this odd, odd talent contest according to the Daily Mail.  I know that doesn't seem like it would leave a lot of options, but I'm sure they improvise.  Camel riding, maybe?  Or wait!  Camel racing.  There we go!  Or maybe the guy just stands up there and says, "Here's my talent:  I shall kill a Sunni."  (Wait.  Are they Sunni or Shiite in Saudi Arabia?  I always get them mixed up.  I think they're Sunni.  Actually, that makes the joke a little bit funnier.  I'll leave it.) Maybe they drill for oil?  I don't know exactly.  I am merely speculating because it's amusing to do so. 

So what is allowed?  Well, there is religious chanting, of course!  You can't have a talent show without a religious chanting category!  Sticking with that theme, you may also showcase your talents in the religious poetry category.  Now, I'm kind of thinking that religious chanting is just religious poetry with a beat.  I'm really not seeing a lot of difference between the two.  And the final category is sporting feats.  I don't know if that means things like juggling or if it means playing soccer.  Soccer seems like it would be odd.  I realize that it's a popular sport over there, but it's hardly a "talent". 

What sort of acts could they have?  Is chopping off people's hands for shoplifting considered a talent?  What if the guy can lop it off right exactly on the wrist, first try, while blindfolded?  Now that would be a talent!  It'd be gross, but talented.  I'm really at a loss as to how these meager categories would be sufficient enough to find "talent".  What's the slogan going to be?  "Come for the religious chanting.  Stay for the religious poetry."  It's catchy, but I don't think it's enough.  This is amazing.  And by 'amazing', I mean incredibly boring. 

I wonder if they follow the same format as America's Got Talent.  Do they have people try out and then the judges mock them mercilessly when they fail to impress?  ("You call that a Quran reading?!  Get outta here!"  Then the contestant goes offstage into the arms of Mom, who's wearing her full beekeeper uniform, and is told "You really are talented!  You don't listen to those judges! They don't know a good religious chanting when they hear one!  You can really read the Quran.  You'll be famous one day for...reading the Quran.  You'll show 'em!")  What if the religious poet has a lisp?  Are they going to pick on him and point that out before denying him his trip to...to...I guess I don't know where they go.  In America, the contestants that make it past the first round go to Vegas.  There's not a lot of religious chanting and religious poetry readings going on in Vegas, so I'm guessing it won't be there.  Mecca maybe? 

I know different cultures are into different things, but this seems like it would be incredibly boring on any standard.  No women.  No children.  That should tell you something right there.  Nothing but religious themed vocals and undefined acts of sports.  Are they that starved for good entertainment over in Saudi Arabia?  Never mind the good part.  Just entertainment in general!  Well, good luck to them.  I hope that they find their next Saudi Arabian sensation...whatever that would mean.

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Survey Says

Richard Dawson died yesterday.  If you were living under a rock in the 1970s (also, not having been born yet is an acceptable answer), Richard Dawson was the original host of the awesome game show Family Feud.  Staying home sick from school in the 70s was always awesome for me because there were a slew of game shows on.  I remember the giddy anticipation of being able to lie on the couch for hours on end and watch these fabulous game shows.  Daytime Wheel of Fortune.  Concentration.  Card Sharks.  The Price Is Right.  And of course, Family Feud.  Richard Dawson always came across as one smooth dude.  He kissed every woman on there (upwards of over 20,000 by most estimates) and was always a gentleman even when things weren't going all that smoothly.  Below is one of my favorite Richard Dawson/Family Feud moments.  It cracks me up every time.  Survey says...we're gonna miss you, Richard. 

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HE Hit You?! Right.

Did you hear that Justin Bieber allegedly got into some sort of a scuffle with a paparazzi photographer?  According to the Daily Mail, the photographer is claiming that he was "...roughed up by the young pop star at a shopping center." He also "...complained of pain to his chest."  Oh, please. 

Have you seen Justin Bieber ever?  The guy is barely 18 years old and looks like he might weight 90 pounds if he were soaking wet.  And this photographer guy is saying that he assaulted him?  Just how miniscule was this photographer?  Does he really want to be known as the guy who couldn't handle a punch (whatever that would entail) from the extremely effeminate and rather wispy Justin Bieber?  Dude, just go home.  Don't mention a word of it to anyone.  Save whatever dignity you might have as a paparazzo and just move on. 

I don't know exactly what happened other than what's alleged by the photographer.  But I do know that some of the pictures taken after the alleged "assault" are fairly amusing.  They don't exactly show Mr. Bieber to be a seasoned fighter in any sense of the word.  He looks more like a teenager who just rolled out of bed and is rather disoriented by his surroundings.  Let's take a look at the "assailant".  Behold! 

Yeah, he looks real vicious there.  And he has his little girlfriend picking up his hat for him.  He can't pick up his hat, but he can hit a photographer?  Why is his hair so messed up?  Is it hat hair or is it from all of the alleged assaulting?  Let's look at another. 

He looks like a zombie.  And by the way dude, nice socks.  Yeah, white and green and purple striped socks.  Real manly.  Yet the photographer is insisting that the hunk of masculinity that you see above was able to hit him in the chest to an extent that required a call to 911?  Maybe the photographer was a teenage girl.  That would explain it.  A little.  Not entirely, but a little.  Another picture, please. 

Look at that one.  He can barely balance himself enough to stand upright.  Maybe it was windy outside and he's trying not to be blown over.  And really, the medallions aren't helping his causes here.  One more picture...

The purple shoes remind me of Grimace from McDonald's.  And quite frankly, Grimace is more manly than Justin Bieber is.  It'd be more believable if the paparazzi guy had said he was assaulted by Grimace.  Look at him!  He can't even put on his shoe without his 80-pound girlfriend holding him up!  I'm supposed to believe that he assaulted someone enough to do damage?  I think not. 

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Fifty Shades Of Surprises

Remember back when I 'reviewed' Fifty Shades of Grey, the women's erotic novel (one of three!) that is sweeping the nation? Well, Saturday Night Live did a parody commercial of that book and the whole phenomenon that has developed over it. It's absolutely hilarious. It's probably not appropriate to watch around small children (unless you really want to have a discussion about what the "microphone" really is). It might not be safe to watch at work, but it was on network TV (albeit at 11:30 at night on a Saturday), so I'll just let you make that decision. But safe for work or not does in no way detract from the fact that it's hilarious. And probably true. Behold! (If it doesn't play, try clicking here.)

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Watch out, Bo!

Why this song hasn't received more attention in the few weeks since it has been out is beyond me.  It's hilarious.  Continuing to play on the not-so-recent revelation that President Barry ate dog when he was a child in Indonesia, some genius came up with a parody of the delightfully 80s tune by Hall & Oates "Man Eater".  The lyrics are awesome, but the real highlight is the chorus that goes:

Ohhhhh, here he comes.

Watch out Bo, he’ll chew you up.

Ohhhhh, here he comes.

He’s a dog eater.

Seriously brilliant, don't you think?  OK, at least it's funny.  And all of you people out there who find the time to do these things?  I salute you.  You are the treasures of the Internets.  All of them.  Full lyrics are below the video.  Behold! 

He only comes out at night To find a tasty bite 
Nothing is new, I’ve seen his gaze before 
Watching and waiting 
He’s sitting with you but eyeing some Basset Hounds


So many to taste and see 
Chihuahua friccasse 
Dear Leader is wild, but he’s tamed by the taste of a puppy’s tail 
Served up on a platter 
The school lunches are sure gonna get bizarre


Ohhhhh here he comes 
Watch out Bo he’ll chew you up 
Ohhhhh here he comes 
He’s a dogeater 
Ohhhhh here he comes 
Watch out Bo he’ll chew you up 
Ohhhhh here he comes 
He’s a dogeater
 
I wonder if Michelle approves 
Fried puppy just won’t do 
Poached poodle flan, the One will really rip their fur apart 
Mind over matter 
Tele-promp-ter glaze but a beast is in his heart


Ohhhhh here he comes 
Watch out Bo he’ll chew you up 
Ohhhhh here he comes 
He’s a dogeater 
Ohhhhh here he comes 
Watch out Bo he’ll chew you up 
Ohhhhh here he comes 
He’s a dogeater

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Google, You Have Some 'Splaining To Do

Hey, Google? Yeah, um, what the hell, man?! All I wanted to know is whether or not you're supposed to wash fish after you buy it. That's all. Verrrrrry simple inquiry. Could have really been satisfied with a simple yes or simple no. But that's not what happened, Google. And you know what happened! You did it! Would you like to explain yourself? Don't look at me like that. You know exactly what I mean! The second result! The second result! (Click to enlarge.) HOW does that end up as one of my choices?! Get it out of there! I don't want to know!

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Ain't Nobody Got Time For That

You knew that this was coming. You knew that when there was that interview with the extremely colorful Ms. Sweet Brown that there would be an Autotune version of said interview coming shortly. And thankfully, we are not to be disappointed. There's even a cameo by Antoine Dodson (who I swear is this woman's long lost brother or something). It's a rather catchy tune. I think that I'm going to make it my alarm, maybe for the rest of my life.

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No Time For Bronchitis

I seem to be noticing a slight trend these days in the whole "man on the street interview" department. It seems that ever since Antoine Dodson graced us with his poetic words of wisdom when telling us to "Hide yo kids, hide yo wife and hide yo husband 'cause they're rapin' everrbody out here!" that the goal is to find the wackiest person to interview for the local evening newscast. And that appears to be exactly what occurred when Ms. Sweet Brown (I swear that's her name) was interviewed after her apartment building caught on fire. At least, I think that it's her apartment building. It's not overly clear to me. (She seems wacky enough that she might have fled her own dwelling even if it wasn't the one burning to the ground.) But what is clear is that she's pretty colorful. Seems like she'd make an entertaining neighbor. Check her out below. Click here if she doesn't show up.

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Congratulations

The Masters golf tournament wrapped up yesterday. I'm not so much into golf, but I do enjoy a nice Tiger Woods meltdown every now and then. But even his kicking his club when he hit a spectacularly bad shot wasn't as amusing as what happened at the very end. (And he wasn't even involved.) Yeah, for me, the best part was at the end where the winner was supposed to shake hands with some other guy. Somehow, things got a little confused. I don't know how that's possible considering that a handshake isn't exactly the most complicated exchange in the world, but it happened. And it amused me. Behold!

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The Force Doesn't Dance

I have a little blasphemy for you today. See, apparently, a new Star Wars video game came out for the XBox360 Kinect. Kinect is the thing where you don't have to use a controller and can essentially just flail about to get your character to move and do things. Well, in this game, I guess you're Han Solo. And the things that it has you do are not anything that Han Solo would ever do! That's right. He dances.

I...I...I really don't know what to say. And while it's funny, it just makes me too darn sad to actually laugh. (Also, it kind of has a tune that is similar to Jimmy Kimmel's spoof "I'm F***ing Ben Affleck" in parts. A little tidbit that you might notice makes it even sadder AND even funnier, especially when the words "GREAT" or "AWESOME" come pulsating out of Han's crotch.) Here you go. Don't say I didn't warn you. As always, if it doesn't load, click here.

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An Extremely Brief April Fool's Recap

A lot of different websites had various April Fool's pranks up yesterday. This one was my favorite. They really would make a fortune if this was possible.

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I Got Nothin'

I got nothin' today. I mean nothin'. I'm all Trayvon-ed out right now. I'm not a gazillionaire, as I did not win Mega Millions. (But to those who did, congratulations! You're looking stunning today! Have I mentioned I'm your biggest fan?) There's just nothing. So here's an amusing video featuring Mitt Romney. Who are you people who take the time to do these sorts of things? Do you just sit around for hours and days on end and sift through the minutiae of the Internets until you find just the split second clip that you need? You must. And more power to you. These are very amusing. I just can't believe the amount of time that you put into it. Your dedication to your craft is commendable. And with that being said, behold!

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Nothing Really Matters

This is fabulous. Canadian Robert Wilson was arrested on charges of being intoxicated. Whilst in the back of the police car, he decided to voice his opposition to said charges by belting out Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody. In full. Including the instrumental solo parts. Miraculously, he remembers all of the words. Even when he is interrupted by the cop who tells him, "Robert, calm down", he continues on after telling him, "I can't." He's really committed to the bit. It's refreshing, really. I enjoy follow-through. And Bohemian Rhapsody is like almost seven minutes long. I have a hard time focusing on anything for more than a couple of seconds when I'm that plastered, let alone be able to remember the lyrics to a really long Queen song. Enjoy! (If it doesn't load, click here.)

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Obama Money!

So yesterday I showed you a video made by Alexandra Pelosi (and despite her mother, Nancy Pelosi, probably being related to the devil, Alexandra seems like a charming woman) where she went to the heart of Mississippi and gathered some opinions about Obama. As you might be able to imagine, the responses were not exactly favorable (or tooth filled, in at least one instance). And as promised yesterday, here is the flip side of that. Here is Alexandra Pelosi interviewing welfare recipients in New York and getting their opinions about Obama. As you might be able to imagine, the responses were certainly more favorable than those from the south. That doesn't mean that it's going to give you a warm and fuzzy feeling all over inside. No, it will probably do quite the opposite. Regardless, here's the video. (As always, if it doesn't show up or play, click here. Enjoy!

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