America's Got Talent was on tonight. I've seen a better selection of characters, but at least there was some variety. Now, variety is something that you're not going to find on Buraydah's Got Talent. Yeah, they're a little bit more rigid with their rules over there in Saudi Arabia, as I'm sure you can imagine. It starts with no women or children being allowed to participate and it just goes from there. I don't know how they're going to find the next Susan Boyle without allowing women in, but then again, that might not be exactly what they're looking for.
As long as you're not a woman or a child and you don't sing or dance, you can participate in this odd, odd talent contest according to the Daily Mail. I know that doesn't seem like it would leave a lot of options, but I'm sure they improvise. Camel riding, maybe? Or wait! Camel racing. There we go! Or maybe the guy just stands up there and says, "Here's my talent: I shall kill a Sunni." (Wait. Are they Sunni or Shiite in Saudi Arabia? I always get them mixed up. I think they're Sunni. Actually, that makes the joke a little bit funnier. I'll leave it.) Maybe they drill for oil? I don't know exactly. I am merely speculating because it's amusing to do so.
So what is allowed? Well, there is religious chanting, of course! You can't have a talent show without a religious chanting category! Sticking with that theme, you may also showcase your talents in the religious poetry category. Now, I'm kind of thinking that religious chanting is just religious poetry with a beat. I'm really not seeing a lot of difference between the two. And the final category is sporting feats. I don't know if that means things like juggling or if it means playing soccer. Soccer seems like it would be odd. I realize that it's a popular sport over there, but it's hardly a "talent".
What sort of acts could they have? Is chopping off people's hands for shoplifting considered a talent? What if the guy can lop it off right exactly on the wrist, first try, while blindfolded? Now that would be a talent! It'd be gross, but talented. I'm really at a loss as to how these meager categories would be sufficient enough to find "talent". What's the slogan going to be? "Come for the religious chanting. Stay for the religious poetry." It's catchy, but I don't think it's enough. This is amazing. And by 'amazing', I mean incredibly boring.
I wonder if they follow the same format as America's Got Talent. Do they have people try out and then the judges mock them mercilessly when they fail to impress? ("You call that a Quran reading?! Get outta here!" Then the contestant goes offstage into the arms of Mom, who's wearing her full beekeeper uniform, and is told "You really are talented! You don't listen to those judges! They don't know a good religious chanting when they hear one! You can really read the Quran. You'll be famous one day for...reading the Quran. You'll show 'em!") What if the religious poet has a lisp? Are they going to pick on him and point that out before denying him his trip to...to...I guess I don't know where they go. In America, the contestants that make it past the first round go to Vegas. There's not a lot of religious chanting and religious poetry readings going on in Vegas, so I'm guessing it won't be there. Mecca maybe?
I know different cultures are into different things, but this seems like it would be incredibly boring on any standard. No women. No children. That should tell you something right there. Nothing but religious themed vocals and undefined acts of sports. Are they that starved for good entertainment over in Saudi Arabia? Never mind the good part. Just entertainment in general! Well, good luck to them. I hope that they find their next Saudi Arabian sensation...whatever that would mean.
In a move that is both difficult to comprehend and understand, the Homeland Security Secretary, a one Janet Napolitano (former governor of Arizona), has agreed that the United States federal government should and will help secure the borders. Of Saudi Arabia. Wait. Of...of...what the what?!
Correct. According to something called World Tribune (dot-com, of course), the very same Janet Napolitano is quoted as saying, "It is a very rough border, very difficult to protect from illegal crossings." Uh-huh. And your point is....? I'm not quite getting it. Well, you know, "So many of our discussions were about how to protect a very tough, geological, topographical border from illegal crossings." These inexplicable remarks were made when she was visiting "the Saudi kingdom" on May 31, 2010. (I don't really know why they didn't just say "Saudi Arabia", so it might not be the same, but I'm guessing that it's pretty darned close.
And according to something called the Middle East Newsline (I'm sure they're reputable) "Officials said Riyad and Washington were expanding cooperation in protecting the kingdom's borders from insurgents and smugglers." Oh, good! Cooperating with another country to help secure some borders. That sounds promising. Wait. I keep forgetting that we're not talking about the US borders here. Silly me. Why would I keep thinking that the federal government would be protecting our own borders first?! What am I thinking?!
But enough about me. How about more from Janet Napolitano? She made the point that "So many of our discussions were about how to protect a very tough, geological, topographical border from illegal crossings." I'm still a little unclear on why we can't have these discussions about the US borders! Why are we OK with securing every other border except for our own?! Does no one else see the irony in this?!
Oh, no. Of course not. See, "We all share a concern about terrorist activity emanating from Yemen. Actions of the U.S. in Yemen are with the consent, cooperation of the government of Yemen." Oohhh. OK. I got it now. Look, just substitute "Mexico" for "Yemen". That's why this isn't happening here. Mexico doesn't want to secure the borders. They don't want to cooperate. They're too busy with their drug cartels and their corruption to worry about securing the borders. Granted, none of that explains why we, the world's superpower, can't just do it ourselves, but I'm sure there's a reason. I can't imagine what it is, but it's either a reason or just sheer stupidity on the part of Homeland Security. I'm holding out for a reason. See, because if I don't, I'll have to build the wall around my walled off compound at least two feet higher and it's already pretty high. I'm thinking about just going to a dome defense. We are so doomed. And screwed. Totally scroomed.
Why has mainstream media not picked up on this little gem of a story? Why am I reading about this online in something called the World Tribune (no offense, World Tribune)?! Why am I not seeing this on the alphabet networks nightly newscasts? I don't get it! We're willing to spend our time, our resources and quite possibly our lives defending other countries borders, but not our own?! Don't get me wrong. I'm all for stopping the terrorism threat from Yemen from flowing anywhere. That's a good thing. But I can hardly see the logic in being all gung-ho over something like that, but not seeing the need for the same sort of importance and implementation in this country! And not only not seeing the need, but coming out against any sort of attempt by the states, specifically Arizona, to take illegal immigration matters into their own hands!
If you ever really want to know just how different American pop-culture is from, say, pop-culture in the Arab world, just take a gander at some of the top rated TV shows in each land and you'll notice some startling differences. Actually, forget "shows" plural. How about "show" singular? Top rated show in America these days? American Idol. Top rated show in the Arab world? The Million's Poet. That's right. Poet.
Here's the gist of the show: While on American Idol, contestants get on stage and sing a song of their choice (which falls under the guides of whatever the ridiculous theme is that week), on The Million's Poet, contestants get on stage and read a poem. My. That sounds...well...simply awful.
First of all, I had no idea that the Arab world was so into poetry. Is that new? I can't think of many things that I would rather do less than go somewhere and listen to someone read their poetry in front of a microphone. Oh, no, wait, wait! I thought of something. Going somewhere to listen to someone read their haiku in front of a microphone. I'd rather hang myself than do that. It's not that I'm specifically against poetry or anything. It's just that I don't think I get it. Maybe it sounds nice, I don't know. But it certainly isn't going to make me all weepy or anything. Now, when some of those American Idol folks try to hit those high notes and they're screaming like someone just nailed both of their feet to the floor, that can get me a little weepy (but that's only because it feels like both of my eardrums are bleeding). But poetry? I think not.
Bottom line here is that I'm not a fan of poetry. But that's not what this is about. No, this is about how the Arab world has found their very own Susan Boyle, so to speak, through their hit show The Million's Poet. They have found this poet whose poetry really resonates with a lot of the folks who are doing the voting, both in the audience and by text message, just like American Idol. (Yes. There is voting. By text message. For a poetry show. This story is so modern and yet, so backwards all at the same time. And this gets weirder, believe me.) There are even three judges, but if you're thinking that you're going to be seeing the Arabian equivalent of Paula Abdul, you're completely mistaken. Here's one of the judges now. Behold!
(I said it got weirder, what did you expect?!) According to an article over there at The Huffington Post, a one Hissa Hilal "...recites poetry that brazenly calls out for women's rights and the end of Islamic extremism." Wow! That's pretty gutsy of...um...Hissa? Yes. Yes, it is. Even more gutsy considering that Hissa is a woman. And even more weirder when you see the show in action. Behold!
Oh, what the hell is that? THAT is a one Hissa Hilal, "...a housewife and mother of four from Riyadh, Saudi Arabia." She's dressed like that because "As is required of Saudi women appearing in public, she is covered from head to toe in a traditional abaya." Now, I realize that "traditional abaya" is a hard phrase to remember. I have a different name for it which will be much easier to remember. I call it "the beekeeper's uniform". Can you believe that's just a regular part of a hit reality show over there in Dubai and wherever else? Totally expected. Totally "normal". Not a problem for them. Not a problem. Wow.
I'm kind of thinking that she has to be a little bit relieved to be in the beekeeper's uniform, as "Hilal's poetry has, not surprisingly, led to death threats by Islamic extremists." Ah, yes. The ever predictable death threats by Islamic extremists so that they can, once again, show just how completely reasonable they really are. Hilal says of the death threats "Killing a human being is so easy for them, it is always an option." Granted, there have been days when I could only wish that killing a human being was an option. But for it to actually always be an option? It's barbaric to say the least (but I can see the handiness in it all if you don't let it go to your head).
Last week in the voting,"...she received the highest overall score in last week's semifinals, pushing her through to this Wednesday's final (and its $1.3 Million prize for the winner). " Holy crap. 1.3 million bucks?! What do you get if you win American Idol? A record deal? Is that record deal worth 1.3 million bucks?! I guess in some cases (Carrie Underwood, Kelly Clarkson) it could be, but am I really to leave this conversation thinking that Taylor Hicks and Fantasia ended up with anything in the freaking neighborhood of $1.3 million? I don't think anyone could be expected to believe that, really.
Hissa Hilal claims not to be afraid for herself, but says that she is kind of worried about her children. Seems reasonable, considering the beekeeper uniform wearing society that she lives in. I'd be worried as hell about my kids. But she does what she does because "I am hoping my daughters won't have to cover their faces and they'll live a better life." You know what lady? Me too.
Seriously, how insecure must some folks be (Translation: How small must their penis actually be?) that they have to make up some sort of crazy rule for their crazy lifestyle that says that women must wear the beekeeper's uniform? And it is a crazy rule that was made up. The beekeeper's uniform came into existence right about the same time that Star Wars came out. I think some of those Arab folks saw Darth Vader in his little outfit and thought that seemed like a good thing to implement for the women folk. Since that mask and all of that hissing would have been tricky to pull off, they just went with the beekeeper look instead. Darth Vader, the beekeeper uniform, both extremely similar to each other.
I'm hoping that this chick wins the $1.3 million and uses it to get herself and her family the heck out of Dodge. I'm afraid that if she wins and sticks around for very long that she's going to find herself sans head one day. I can understand her wanting to hang around and further her cause, but it's really hard to further much when you're dead. I'm just sayin'.
A few days ago, we were reading about the 13-year old girl who sent over 10,000 text messages in one month to the tune of about $4,800. Once again, a texting story makes the news, only this time it's because of some bass-ackwards form of Islamic Sharia law which essentially allowed a man to divorce his wife by texting her. Wait. Wut?
Correct. A man in Saudi Arabia has divorced his wife via text message. That's according to Arab News ("The Middle East's Leading English Language Daily", doncha know.) in an article (which doesn't give nearly enough information) titled "Shariah court approves SMS divorce". Nice.
Apparently, the husband was "...in Iraq to participate in what he described as 'jihad' " So basically, he's heading off to fight against the Iraqi forces and the US troops over there. Can't let something as pesky as a little marriage get in the way of your jihad!
The man was already in Iraq (getting ready to get all jihad-y) when he sent his wife, er, now ex-wife a text message that basically told her that they were no longer married. After sending her the text, he then used his phone to phone two of his friends "...who witnessed his marriage and told them that he had divorced his wife." So his wife gets a text saying "I divorce U" or some crap like that, but his buddies actually get a phone call from him where he just tells them that he divorced her. By text message. All rightee then.
It was after that unexpected event that "The woman had approached the court and asked for an official document proving she was divorced." You think?! I'd probably do the same thing. I'd be in front of the judge with my cell phone that had Lame-o's text on it and say, "Would you look at this sh*t?! Can he do that?! What's that? He can? Really? Oh." I'm sure it probably went something similar to that as it was.
See, now if that were in the US or any other civilized part of the globe, those on the receiving end of the "I just divorced what's her name by text, dude" phone call as the comedic ramblings of a fellow who was overly intoxicated at the time. That would be the normal response to a phone call like that. But not in Saudi Arabia! Nope. There it's all fine and good that he sent what's her name a text and was divorced. How does that work again?
Well, in Saudi Arabia (where the Islamic clerics are the equivalent of a judge in US courts and preside over the hearings) under the bass-ackward and rather strict form of Islamic Sharia law, a man can divorce his wife by saying "I divorce you" three times. It doesn't say if he has to say all three directly to the woman, or if he has to say at least one to her and the other two to other people. I'm guessing that other people have to be notified of his intention because the "...court in (the city of) Jeddah summoned two relatives who had received telephone calls from the man confirming his wish." Once they had confirmation of that "The judge approved the divorce and told the woman that she did not have to go through the iddah (the post-divorce waiting period stipulated by the Sharia) as the marriage was not consummated." Hold on a minute. They didn't make soup and so that's why the divorce was granted? Oh, wait. That's consomme. Never mind. Carry on.
The article doesn't say just how long they were married. I'm guessing not very long, if all of the consummating hadn't taken place. (Around here, for something like that to happen, or to not happen, you'd be looking at a time frame of about an hour. Max.) I would like to know more about what their deal was, however. Why did they get married in the first place? Why can't he go all jihad over in Iraq and still be married? Why would she still want to be married to him? So many questions.
I really don't think I'd have too much of a problem with this whole procedure if it worked both ways. If the woman was allowed to say "I divorce you, you jackass" (I sort of tweaked the original version. What do you think? Can you tell?) and be divorced, then I think I'd be all for it. It would certainly save a lot of time and money that's being spent in divorce court these days. But under Sharia law, woman have little to no rights to do anything. They are basically seen as property (if that) and their own well-being would be at risk if they were to step up to the keypad and text their divorce away.
But seriously, what the heck is going on over there? Who makes this crap up? The part about how they have to say it three times? How hokey is that? It's like a witch's spell or something. "Eye of newt, tongue of frog, I divorce you, I divorce you, I divorce you! Abracadabra! POOF!" And then they're divorced! But wait! Is there a magic lamp involved as well? Did he fly over to Iraq on his magic carpet? Was the woman Barbara Eden? Again, so soooo many questions.
All right, that's it! President Barry is not, repeat, not allowed to leave the country anymore! At least not until he's read a book or something on how all of this going overseas stuff and interacting with the leaders of foreign countries (who are supposed to be on our side!) is supposed to go. Maybe "Foreign Relations and Home and Abroad for Dummies" or something like that? Because I was able to overlook Gift-gate when President Barry gave Gordon Brown of the UK a bunch of DVDs (which I still think would have been fine if and only if they had been DVDs of the appropriate Region so that Gordon Brown could actually watch them. But they were the wrong region and he cannot watch them, thus rendering the gift inappropriate and wrong.) and I was totally against Grope-gate when Michelle Obama and her new BFF, the Queen of England, actually touched one another (you'd have thought they were in a tub full of Jell-O in the middle of a bar the way everyone was carrying on about it. Though I would like to see that, simply because it'd be so, so strange.). But now President Barry is teetering on the brink of "buffoonage." (Made that up. Just now!) And it has to stop. Soon. Tell me I'm overreacting. I'm not (for once)! Look, I'll spell it out for you.
For example, according to Gadling, whilst President Barry was over there in Europe and taking questions from reporters, an Austrian reporter asked "...about his impressions of European leaders." A simple enough question, right? Regardless as to your real impressions, you always, always say you liked 'em. That's easy. And President Barry pretty much went with that by saying that "...the interaction between European lawmakers was really not all that different than the way in which the US Senate operates." (He didn't say whether that was supposed to mean how the two parties of the US Senate can't get anything done or how the two parties of the US Senate are spending money like drunken sailors on leave or if it meant something completely different. I can't imagine what, however.)
In explaining that answer, he said, "...there's a lot of -- I don't know what the term is in Austrian -- wheeling and dealing -- and, you know, people are pursuing their interests, and everybody has their own particular issues and their own particular politics." He doesn't know what the term is in Austrian?! Perhaps that's because there isn't an Austrian language! ::::sigh:::: Video of Language-gate below. ::::sigh again:::::
Even though that's pretty bad, it's almost like I've come to expect these things. You know, what with 8 years of GW out there saying things that don't make sense to anyone (including himself, I have the feeling). So while I wish he had not implied that he thought Austrian was a language (I'm just glad he wasn't up in Canada, America's Hat, and implied that he thought they spoke Canadian!), there are a few other things that I wish hadn't happened on his little jaunt abroad. Like bowing to the King. Of Saudi freaking Arabia. Huh?
The whole 'to bow or not to bow' thing (and apparently there is a thing) is a tricky one. I was under the impression that all of that Declaration of Independence stuff was to get away from the subservience that accompanies royalty. Besides that, to bow in someone's presence is seen as a sign of respect. Let me just give a brief refresher course on how Saudi Arabia works with King Abdullah in charge:
Corporal punishment, such as lashes, for 'crimes' such as 'sexual deviance' or 'drunkenness'.
There's no set number for these punishments. It's up to the judges. It can range from a few dozen to several thousand.
They're also very behead-y over there.
If a woman is raped, she will can be punished for 'her part' in the rape.
Nice, eh? Those are just a few But my favorite one that shows just how bass-ackwards they are over there is that women are not allowed to drive or ride bicycles. They are, however, allowed to fly aircraft! Granted, they have to be driven to the airport, but still! WTF is that all about? Their human rights record is not all that great (that's putting it mildly) and PARADE Magazine named King Abdullah the Number Five World's Worst Dictator for 2009. So if PARADE Magazine says so, it has to be true.
The thing is, the US protocol on bowing is that we don't. So when footage was shown of President Barry allegedly bowing to King Abdullah, some people got their burkas all in a wad. (Naturally, the whole "Barack Obama is a secret Muslim" conspiracy theory reared it's head again with the emergence of this footage. He's not a Muslim!) And really, come on, President Barry! Can we not trust you to leave the White House for just a little while without causing an international stir?! You're the President of the United States! You bowed to King Abdullah as if you were inferior, as if you were subservient. I understand you're new and all, but we don't bow!
It does get worse, by the way. But not before the video. The bowing starts to come in around 0:49 through 0:59 in the video below. It's three minutes long and the commentary is in Spanish (maybe Portuguese, definitely not Austrian), so you might just want to zip ahead to the bow. Video first, then then more bad! Behold!
OK, so what could be worse that the President of the US bowing to the King of Saudi Arabia and all of his oil? If you thought George Bush holding hands with the King of Saudi Arabia as they went for a leisurely stroll, well, you'd be right, but it wasn't what I had in mind this time. But Behold! anyway.
That's lovely. They're a lovely couple. No, the part that really burns my toast is that the White House is denying that he bowed! How stupid do they think we are? VERY apparently! They're saying he didn't bow. "Didn't bow" as in "did not bow". Right. Why would you lie to us, White House? Why? Why?
Over there atPolitico.com, a one Ben Smith apparently asked, "Why the bow?" and an Obama aide who would only speak on the condition of anonymity (because you never want people to know who you are when you're blatantly lying) answered with: "It wasn't a bow. He grasped his hand with two hands, and he's taller than King Abdullah." Um, no he didn't. Nor was he looking for a lost contact lens or drop his iPod or comparing shoe size with said King. He was bowing. I have proof. I swear. Behold! Proof!
Here he is starting to go in.
Here he is grasping at the hand which holds all of our fuel in it's oily grasp.
And here he is in the middle of his 'two hand' handshake due to the striking height difference between the two, whatever that means. OH, but what's that?! Why, it's his other hand! It's going to be a bit hard to perform the "two hand handshake" with one of your hands not shaking because you're really bowing!
And there it is again in plainer sight. The uncooperative second hand of Barack Obama. (Is this the part where I get to say "Liar, liar, pants on fire!"? I hope so! I've been dying to say that to someone. Preferably someone I don't know. This works.)
The Washington Times called the bow a "shocking display of fealty to a foreign potentate." Wow. I'm glad the Washington Times is getting plenty of use out of their thesaurus! Now I need a dictionary. Fealty?(Intense fidelity.) Potentate? (One who has great power or sway.) They also said that "...it violated centuries of American tradition of not deferring to royalty." And it apparently started a new American tradition of lying to the public about something that is blatantly obvious. They say it's protocol to not bow, but he bowed! They're protocol liars,.that's what they are!
Can someone please inform him of the rules around there? I know that's someone's job. Who's Secretary of State? Oh, that's right. I forgot. It's her. Hillary. :::deep breath::: OK, I never thought I'd say this, but where's Hillary when you need her?
America's Got Talent was on tonight. I've seen a better selection of characters, but at least there was some variety. Now, variety is something that you're not going to find on Buraydah's Got Talent. Yeah, they're a little bit more rigid with their rules over there in Saudi Arabia, as I'm sure you can imagine. It starts with no women or children being allowed to participate and it just goes from there. I don't know how they're going to find the next Susan Boyle without allowing women in, but then again, that might not be exactly what they're looking for. 
Sphere: Related Content
