He's Kind Of Old, Isn't He?

Both Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez have quit American Idol.  Naturally, they're going to have to be replaced.  We can't have just Randy sitting there all by himself saying, "Yo, dawg" without anyone to back him up or disagree with him.  And we're going to need someone who really has their finger on the pulse of what America wants in terms of their next pop singing star.  We're going to want someone who can relate to the American Idol audience and be someone that we look forward to seeing every week.  We're going to want...Jerry Lewis? 

That's right.  For some reason, according to USA Today, "...Jerry Lewis, who was mentioned on Nigel Lythgoe's wish list with Charlie Sheen, is definitely in the mix." In the mix?! In the mix of what?! Poligrip and Metamucil?!  Don't even get me started on what I think about that crazed loser Charlie Sheen.  Why on earth anyone would think that we want his weekly opinion on anything other than blow and hookers (which I will readily admit that he is more than qualified to judge and should probably be listened to) is beyond me.  But Jerry Lewis?  When was the last time he sang with Dean Martin (who died 17 years ago at the age of 78)?  More importantly, who cares?!  Actually, I take that back.  Who remembers?!  I'll tell you who remembers.  Everyone who is NOT watching American Idol, that's who. 


Jerry Lewis?  You have got to be kidding me.  In a way though, this is kind of typical of how American Idol does things.  Ever pay close attention to the guests that they have on the very last show?  Almost no one is currently relevant.  Actually, almost no one is even recently relevant.  Sure, they have feel good people on there like Neil Diamond, but is he really going to hit the mark with the majority of American Idol's target audience?  Hardly.  Then they always trot out some ridiculously old rocker who doesn't know he's ridiculously old (eg, Iggy Pop and Rod Stewart, both of whom performed sans shirts for reasons that are still being questioned by everyone who had to witness that atrocity of nature, not to mention the optometrists who had to treat said viewers).  There's the defunct pop-star (Chaka Khan is still alive?), the one-hit wonders (Herman's Hermits, anyone?) the recent American Idol contestants who may or may not have won (we can't remember) that come back to try and plug their album that will end up selling 25,000 copies (mostly to churches holding raffles).  All of those "acts" the American Idol people feel are a good idea and add something to the show.  They don't.  They never had.  And now, with the possible inclusion of Jerry Lewis, we're going to have that same sort of irrelevance and confusion all season long.  Grand! 

I had a hard enough time following this last season of American Idol without my interest waning about two episodes into the real deal.  I cannot take five months of Jerry Lewis and/or Charlie Sheen.  And what if Jerry dies halfway through the season?!  That's kind of going to put a damper on things, isn't it?  Will the contestants have to sing funeral songs the following week?  It's just a bad idea all the way around.  If they don't want to do American Idol anymore, just say so.  No need to run it into the ground before you go. 

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The Ancient American Idol Finale

I am a fan of American Idol.  I've watched every season except for the first one.  And I've noticed that things have gone downhill since the days of Carrie Underwood.  (Then again, how could things not go downhill after her?  Have you seen her?  Have you heard her sing?  She's amazing.  That's when the show peaked.)  And while I can remember some of the past contestants, I'm not so great at remembering the acts that they've had during the past seasons.  But I have noticed something about the finales. 

The finale the other night had on such guest stars as Neil Diamond, Chaka Khan, John Fogerty and Reba McEntire.  Aerosmith even showed up an played a set.  (Jennifer Lopez did a song as well.  I don't really remember what she sang because I was too busy trying to figure out why she was wearing sparkly MC Hammer pants.)  There was also a tribute song to Robin Gibb.  (If you're going to have tribute songs during a celebratory finale of something, can't you at least make it an upbeat song?  Why must every remembrance tune be some slow and schmaltzy that just takes all the wind out of your sails?  Though I am willing to concede that for the recently departed Robin Gibb, playing Stayin' Alive, while upbeat and likely his most famous song, would have probably been slightly inappropriate.  At the very least, ironically uncomfortable.)  And as I'm watching these dogs and ponies get trotted out onto the stage, I began to wonder if they were going to have anyone out there who was under sixty. 

What is the fascination with ancient music stars being brought out for the American Idol finale?  They always do it and I always don't get it.  And they wonder why their ratings are dropping?  How about not catering to the 50 and over crowd during the shows?  Considering that the main audience is the 18-49 demographic and the main voting demographic is teenage girls and family members of contestants, I'm not so sure that they're doing themselves any favors by bringing Neil Diamond on stage.  Don't get me wrong.  I love me some Neil Diamond.  But I just don't think that he's exactly a fit for American Idol. 

There were more age appropriate to American Idol acts that were at the finale.  Rihanna did her thing, whatever that's called.  (I'm not a Rihanna fan.  The only reason that I would consider going to see the Battleship movie is if I knew that she got killed in it.  That would make it worthwhile for me.)  And I think that Jordin Sparks sang.  Jordin Sparks, if you aren't familiar, was the last American Idol winner that wasn't a WGWG.  That's White Guy With Guitar to you.  But other than those two, and the already rejected American Idol wannabes from this season (one of whom I did not recognize at all and had no recollection of him ever being on the show, let alone singing), it was a senior citizen fest.  All they needed was a shuffleboard court painted on the stage and it would have been like an old folks home up there. 

And I keep reading about how the ratings are down from previous seasons.  Well, of course they are!  American Idol had massive, massive ratings there for a while.  Phenomenal would be one way of putting it.  Of course they're going to go down eventually.  And even though they're down, they're still higher than (from what I can tell) all of the scripted shows that are out there.  So while I don't think that they should be that worried right now, if they keep inviting the elderly to sing on their show, then maybe there will be cause for worry.  Actually, I think that I'd be more worried that they have this successful show and they don't seem to know how to cater to their target demographic.  Then again, I guess with the ratings that they get, maybe they don't need to cater to anyone.  Other than the elderly, from what I can tell.

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The Ancient American Idol

I'm having issues with American Idol. Look, the show has been on how long? Eleven years or something like that. Now, as with anything, after eleven years, the popularity is expected to start to wane a bit. So if you're the producers, wouldn't you want to do whatever you could to counteract that sort of inevitable decline as much as you could? I would think so. And while I have no idea if the producers think that same thing or not, I do know that if that is their line of thinking that they are certainly going about it in a very strange manner.

See, last night, the contestants were to sing Billy Joel songs. I have nothing against Billy Joel. He's a fine musician and I enjoy many of his songs. But when was the last time he had a hit? A BIG hit? Early 90s? I thought that I heard them mention on the show that his last hit was 17 years before one of the contestants was born. And I'm not totally sure that his music has withstood the test of time. Tell me again why playing the songs of the elderly is a good idea for a pop music singing contest on television? I'm not seeing their logic.

On top of that, who do the contestants have helping them out (also known as 'mentoring', though if that's what they're doing, it's minimal mentoring at best) but none other than Diddy. Aka P Diddy. Aka Puff Daddy. Aka Sean Combs. Now, Sean Combs is a talented guy and a surprisingly good business man. (He's no Jay-Z, but he can hold his own quite well.) How did they come up with the idea of Diddy helping these kids sing Billy Joel songs? And how did they get him to agree to it? (Hey, Sean. You wanna help kids sing old man Billy Joel songs?" "Who? I mean, sure!")

Let me put this in perspective. Let's say that you're my age-ish. (I'm going to make my age-ish 40 for this discussion. Let's not talk about how old I really am, shall we?) Now let's fantasize that I was a teenager who could sing and take it back 24 years so that I'm 16 and it is now 1988. The Number One song that year was inexplicably "Need you Tonight" by INXS. "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" by Poison was Number Four. "So Emotional" by the recently departed (and constantly coked up) Whitney Houston was at Number Six. "Sweet Child o' Mine" by Guns and Roses was at Number Eleven. You get the gist. Now, if American had done then what they did last night and picked songs about thirty years older than I was at the time, I would have been expected to sing the likes of "Mule Train" by Frankie Laine and "The Hucklebuck" by Paul Williams! That's laughable to me now! And isn't that essentially what they're doing with the current American Idol contestants? It is! I just don't know why!

It'd be like if I walked out there (still playing into the fantasy that I could sing when I was a teenager) and the director said, "OK, guys. Tonight we're going to be doing the songs of Irving M. Cohen!" (If you don't get that reference, I've included a handy video below!) Or "Good news, kids! Sousa marches!" What the what?!

I don't understand what they're doing. The show isn't exactly compelling anymore. This is supposed to be a contest for the next biggest music star and they're having them sing outdated Billy Joel songs after being mentored by rapper Diddy and outfitted by sixty-year old Tommy Hilfiger. I don't get it. If I hadn't been watching Idol since the beginning, maybe I wouldn't feel so invested in it that I feel almost a duty to keep watching. But I'm really not seeing how this sort of thing is going to help.

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A Disappointed Idol Fan

You know, I realize that American Idol is one of the top shows on American television. I get that. But when I see videos like the one below, it concerns me about just who the people are who are watching the show. I can only hope (and pray a lot) that the majority are not like the woman below. This woman (seemingly) gets very into American Idol. She seems to have a lot of emotion invested in the show. And it became clear to me after the announcement of the winner, that this woman (with a lot of emotion invested) was not a Lee Dewyze fan. It's hard to say if it was all of the shrieking that she was doing (while her shirtless husband attempted to read on the couch behind her) or if it was her yelling something about how her life was now ruined (and let me tell you, judging from her almost massive girth and the trailer that she seems to live in, I don't know that her life was all that pristine to begin with), but she was upset. Darn near hysterical. You would have thought the Beatles were in town (and that it was 1964).

The entertaining, but slightly unnerving, video of this woman flipping out is below. Please turn your sound down low and make sure that any dogs that have sensitive ears are out of earshot. They'll howl the way that they do when a fire engine drives by. Also, there's a little red box that says "Part 2" that is hovering in the screen the entire time. Don't click on it. It's not a Part 2. It's some sort of "Obama Deception" video. I mean, if you're into that sort of crap, by all means, click away. But if you're clicking because you're expecting to see more of this highly emotional woman, don't bother. You'll just be irritated that the dillweed put it on that video in anticipation that people would click it.

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American Idol And Simon Cowell Say Farewell

American Idol wrapped up the tenth (and possibly final) season the other night by crowning the adorable former paint salesman Lee Dewyze as our new American Idol. And as is the tradition in the final American Idol show each season, the episode took on the characteristics of a mid-1970s variety show, with every sort of imaginable musical act (in theory) taking the stage. Let's take a look at some of those who graced our presence.

There were the remaining two Bee Gees, Barry and Robin Gibb, singing "How Deep Is Your Love" with the seemingly eight-year old Aaron Kelly and quirky glass blower, Siobhan Magnus. Now, considering that American Idol's target demographic is 18-49 year olds, it's kind of an odd choice to have The Bee Gees on there. That song came out in 1977. And I have nothing against The Bee Gees. How they manage to make what they do sound good is beyond me. I'm just saying that I don't think that the majority of the audience watching that was thinking, "Oooh! The Bee Gees!" I'm guessing the majority were thinking, "Why is Professor Frink singing with a gay Kenny Rogers?"

Hall & Oates were there. Hall was looking a little weathered, shall we say. He was kind of sporting a Jeff Bridges in Crazy Heart sort of look. That is, if Jeff Bridges in Crazy Heart wore aviator sunglasses inside. Oates, on the other hand, had finally shaved off his porn star moustache. Granted, Oates isn't the most attractive fellow out there (which explains the gazillion close-ups of Hall, but only fuzzy, long distance shots of Oates), but losing the moustache really was a plug, so I looked at that as an overall win.

Alice Cooper, whom I thought was dead, but wasn't even though he looked like he was, performed "School's Out" with the Final 12 contestants. I didn't really need to see Crystal Bowersox in a schoolgirl's uniform. I just didn't. It's not that she's unattractive or anything, it's just that there's something wrong with a dreadlocked woman wearing a plaid school skirt. I'm just saying. And Alice was twirling what looked like a baton, but I'm guessing it was his cane to help him walk.

Alanis Morissette was there and sang "You Oughta Know" with Crystal Bowersox. I'm not a fan of censoring song lyrics. Mainly because they sound ridiculous when you do. Such was the case in this instance. "You Oughta Know" is about how Morissette's boyfriend (presumably, and strangely, to have been Dave Coulier from "Full House" fame) dumped her and moved on with some other chick as if nothing had ever happened. And if you think that she took that well, you'd be mistaken. She was angry. It's an angry song. It's a kick ass, angry song. So, when they change the line "Would she go down on you in a theatre" to "Would she go down with you to the theatre" it really loses quite a bit. Seriously. You think some chick is that angry because a guy's new girlfriend won't go with him to the movies but she would? It just doesn't work.

While I wasn't sure that Alice Cooper was still alive, I also wasn't sure that Bret Michaels wasn't going to be dead. As a big fan of the 1980s hair bands, I've been pulling for Bret lately. He came out and sang "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" with who will likely be a future Abercrombie & Fitch model, Casey James. That boy doesn't seem like he could spell "cat" if you spotted him the C and the T. It's a good thing he's pretty. But back to Bret. I really enjoy the bandana and the cowboy hat, but I'm starting to think that he's wearing it to cover up some sort of male pattern baldness or something. He always has one or the other on. And I'm kind of thinking that with his recent brain hemorrhage that there would have been a little scalpal shaving going on. You know. So they could stop the bleeding in his brain.

And in somewhat of a surprise move, Janet Jackson came out and performed two songs with lasers! Ooohhhhhh! Now, you'll remember that it was Ms. Jackson who bore her nipple for 9/32nds of a millisecond during a Super Bowl halftime show a gazillion years ago. Apparently, the folks at Fox weren't willing to risk having one of her breasticles or some other part of female anatomy come popping out during this show, so they had her in some sort of skin tight scuba outfit, as if she were getting ready to dive down and plug that oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico. And she may be 44, but she rocked it. Nice job, Ms. Jackson (if you're nasty).

And since this was Simon Cowell's last episode of American Idol (as he's moving on to produce the American version of "The X Factor" and make another gazillion dollars), it only made sense to have the incredibly wacky Paula Abdul make an appearance. She gave a rather flat, yet probably heartfelt (as much as someone that pilled up can be heartfelt) speech which included a line that I'm pretty sure she never envisioned herself saying. She said, "American Idol is not going to be the same without you. But as only I can tell you,it will go on." I really don't think that she anticipated the show going on without her. I think that's why she was holding out for more money. Granted, she deserved it. But I don't think that she thought that they were going to call her bluff. Sorry, Paula. If it's any consolation, I think America misses you and your unintelligible antics.

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Middle Eastern Pop-Culture Poetry

If you ever really want to know just how different American pop-culture is from, say, pop-culture in the Arab world, just take a gander at some of the top rated TV shows in each land and you'll notice some startling differences. Actually, forget "shows" plural. How about "show" singular? Top rated show in America these days? American Idol. Top rated show in the Arab world? The Million's Poet. That's right. Poet.

Here's the gist of the show: While on American Idol, contestants get on stage and sing a song of their choice (which falls under the guides of whatever the ridiculous theme is that week), on The Million's Poet, contestants get on stage and read a poem. My. That sounds...well...simply awful.

First of all, I had no idea that the Arab world was so into poetry. Is that new? I can't think of many things that I would rather do less than go somewhere and listen to someone read their poetry in front of a microphone. Oh, no, wait, wait! I thought of something. Going somewhere to listen to someone read their haiku in front of a microphone. I'd rather hang myself than do that. It's not that I'm specifically against poetry or anything. It's just that I don't think I get it. Maybe it sounds nice, I don't know. But it certainly isn't going to make me all weepy or anything. Now, when some of those American Idol folks try to hit those high notes and they're screaming like someone just nailed both of their feet to the floor, that can get me a little weepy (but that's only because it feels like both of my eardrums are bleeding). But poetry? I think not.

Bottom line here is that I'm not a fan of poetry. But that's not what this is about. No, this is about how the Arab world has found their very own Susan Boyle, so to speak, through their hit show The Million's Poet. They have found this poet whose poetry really resonates with a lot of the folks who are doing the voting, both in the audience and by text message, just like American Idol. (Yes. There is voting. By text message. For a poetry show. This story is so modern and yet, so backwards all at the same time. And this gets weirder, believe me.) There are even three judges, but if you're thinking that you're going to be seeing the Arabian equivalent of Paula Abdul, you're completely mistaken. Here's one of the judges now. Behold!

(I said it got weirder, what did you expect?!) According to an article over there at The Huffington Post, a one Hissa Hilal "...recites poetry that brazenly calls out for women's rights and the end of Islamic extremism." Wow! That's pretty gutsy of...um...Hissa? Yes. Yes, it is. Even more gutsy considering that Hissa is a woman. And even more weirder when you see the show in action. Behold!

Oh, what the hell is that? THAT is a one Hissa Hilal, "...a housewife and mother of four from Riyadh, Saudi Arabia." She's dressed like that because "As is required of Saudi women appearing in public, she is covered from head to toe in a traditional abaya." Now, I realize that "traditional abaya" is a hard phrase to remember. I have a different name for it which will be much easier to remember. I call it "the beekeeper's uniform". Can you believe that's just a regular part of a hit reality show over there in Dubai and wherever else? Totally expected. Totally "normal". Not a problem for them. Not a problem. Wow.

I'm kind of thinking that she has to be a little bit relieved to be in the beekeeper's uniform, as "Hilal's poetry has, not surprisingly, led to death threats by Islamic extremists." Ah, yes. The ever predictable death threats by Islamic extremists so that they can, once again, show just how completely reasonable they really are. Hilal says of the death threats "Killing a human being is so easy for them, it is always an option." Granted, there have been days when I could only wish that killing a human being was an option. But for it to actually always be an option? It's barbaric to say the least (but I can see the handiness in it all if you don't let it go to your head).

Last week in the voting, "...she received the highest overall score in last week's semifinals, pushing her through to this Wednesday's final (and its $1.3 Million prize for the winner). " Holy crap. 1.3 million bucks?! What do you get if you win American Idol? A record deal? Is that record deal worth 1.3 million bucks?! I guess in some cases (Carrie Underwood, Kelly Clarkson) it could be, but am I really to leave this conversation thinking that Taylor Hicks and Fantasia ended up with anything in the freaking neighborhood of $1.3 million? I don't think anyone could be expected to believe that, really.

Hissa Hilal claims not to be afraid for herself, but says that she is kind of worried about her children. Seems reasonable, considering the beekeeper uniform wearing society that she lives in. I'd be worried as hell about my kids. But she does what she does because "I am hoping my daughters won't have to cover their faces and they'll live a better life." You know what lady? Me too.

Seriously, how insecure must some folks be (Translation: How small must their penis actually be?) that they have to make up some sort of crazy rule for their crazy lifestyle that says that women must wear the beekeeper's uniform? And it is a crazy rule that was made up. The beekeeper's uniform came into existence right about the same time that Star Wars came out. I think some of those Arab folks saw Darth Vader in his little outfit and thought that seemed like a good thing to implement for the women folk. Since that mask and all of that hissing would have been tricky to pull off, they just went with the beekeeper look instead. Darth Vader, the beekeeper uniform, both extremely similar to each other.

I'm hoping that this chick wins the $1.3 million and uses it to get herself and her family the heck out of Dodge. I'm afraid that if she wins and sticks around for very long that she's going to find herself sans head one day. I can understand her wanting to hang around and further her cause, but it's really hard to further much when you're dead. I'm just sayin'.

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Worst Graduation Song Ever

With the return of American Idol this week for it's ninth season (and the last one with my beloved Simon Cowell), I thought that it would be appropriate to explain just how important it is to be honest with people in your life. Wait. What? Honesty and American Idol go hand in hand? Correct.

See, a lot of the "hopefuls" that tryout for American Idol are not very good. Fortunately, I don't have the "privilege" of listening to all of the auditions. If I did, they never would have been able to hold the auditions on one of those upper floors of whatever building they were at over there in Boston because the temptation to hurl myself out of one of those plate glass windows would have been too strong to overcome at times. But when you hear how horrible some of the "hopefuls" are, you wonder why they are there in the first place?

Now, I firmly believe that some folks know that they are awful and that they are there simply to get on TV (because apparently, it doesn't matter what you're on TV for, if you're on TV, then that is automatically supposed to be "good". Armed robbery, horrible singing, kicking bunnies, etc. It doesn't matter. But if you're on TV, then you've scored! Idiots....)

But I also firmly believe that there are folks who think that they are fantastic, which is why they're trying out for American Idol in the first place. They are convinced that they are going to go into that audition and come out as the next heir to the American Idol throne (which is currently occupied by....um....Kris Allen? Yeah! That's it! Kris Allen!). And the reason that they are convinced of this is because their entire family has lied to them over the course of several years and told them how "good" they were, when in reality nothing could be farther from the truth.

Those people are awful. They should never sing again for the rest of their lives and with some of them, it's really questionable as to whether or not they should ever talk again either. So why are they trying out for American Idol? Because they think that they can sing because (probably well-intentioned) folks have lied to them their entire lives and told them that they're good. And when you convince someone of something that isn't true and then it has to come to light that it isn't true, well, there are consequences, my friend. There are consequences.

And in the case of those who think that they can sing, the main consequence is that the rest of us have to be put through the trauma of having to listen to them attempt to croon some sort of melody that only comes out sounding like a cat in a blender. (No offense to any cats in blenders out there.) Who is that good for? It's not good for me. It's not good for you. It's not good for them. And it certainly isn't good for the cats.

And this is what can happen when you don't quash someone's dreams and/or delusions at an early stage. Below is, quite possibly, the worst thing I have ever heard in my entire life (and I've watched American Idol since Season One!). Seriously, who thought that this was a good idea? The band director should be fired...at. That's right. Physically shot. What did Journey ever do to that band?! I'm guessing nothing! There's no reason for this. None. It's horrible. Did anyone think it wasn't horrible? I can't imagine.

See what I mean? You cannot tell me that the chick singing that song is going to be watching that video the day after and thinking, "Man! I rocked!" No. That can't happen. (The fist pumps only made it worse for me.) Who thought that was a good idea? You know, to have her sing. (She was singing, wasn't she? It's so hard to tell.) Were there no other aspiring "singers" in that graduating class? None? What about a trained seal? Some sort of barking dog? Anything really.

But why did it happen? Likely because someone (lots of someones, probably) couldn't tell someone else "no". No one could find the guts to say to anyone "Um, she can't sing. You? Yeah, you! You can't sing." NO one could say that. I find it astonishing. She was SO bad, wouldn't the thought of not saying anything and the realization that you're going to have to actually listen to that be motivation enough to pipe up and say something?! I guess not, but it's a shame. And let this just be some sort of lesson or reminder or incentive to all of you out there who are tolerating a horrible singer in your life. Say something now, lest the rest of the world be subject to that same sort of otic atrocity.

One more thing. Kudos to the band for being able to play at all with that singing right in front of you. I don't know how you guys did it. You're amazing. Happy graduation. It's over.

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American's Idle

So did you see the American Idol finale on Wednesday? Wow. The finale of AI is always like a 1970s variety show. A whole bunch of different acts doing their thing with a fair number of them from years and years ago. The only real difference between the AI finale and the 1970s variety show is that AI was relatively entertaining.

Can we just start with KISS? What are these guys? 80? 90? They've been doing "Rock and Roll All Night" for like 40 years! But that's the good thing about performing with all of that face makeup on, I guess. That part of being old, the whole looking old thing, doesn't show. I was amazed that they could all still stand on those 12-inch platform boots/shoes things that they wear. They're old enough, you'd think that they'd be having the vertigo or something. But hey, for those of us who never got to see KISS perform live, well, consider that performance seeing them sort of live. Still alive! There we go.

But really, the most surprising part of the evening for me was when Barbara Walters came out to sing "Do You Think I'm Sexy". Wait. What? That wasn't Barbara Walters? That was Rod Stewart?! Good Lord. (And sporting a lovely plaid sportscoat as well!) They had all of the failed Idols doing a group number of 'Do You Think I'm Sexy', a huge hit for Rod back in the days when he could legitimately ask that question (and could sing without shouting or sounding like he needed to hack a phlegm boulder out of his esophagus). But on American Idol, he looked like he should have been singing 'Do You Think I'm Elderly'. He's aged a bit, that's all I'm sayin'. So much that if question is posed "Do You Think I'm Sexy" the answer could be a variety of things, but none of them would be 'Yes". Even the lyrics "If you want my body and you think I'm sexy" would seem to be aptly followed by "...you were likely born during the Hoover administration." Or even "...then you're going to need to adjust your horizontal hold."

And he shouted sang my favorite Rod Stewart song, Maggie May, which starts out "Wake up, Maggie. I think I've got something to say to you." But watching Rod Stewart, the apparent octogenarian, sing those lyrics, I felt like it should have been, "Wake up, Maggie. It's time to take our pills." Perhaps "Wake up, Maggie. Where's my robe? When's lunch? Did you steal my hat?" Rod probably could have used some of the left over face paint from KISS. Oh, wait. That's right. There wasn't any left over. My mistake.

He stumbled a couple of times. I was worried he might fall and break a hip. He just didn't look all that great, I'm just saying. And when you're old and you look old and you're kind of stumbling old, it's just not right. Odd Stewart was more like it.

And if you think I'm being too hard on ol' Odd there, I'm not. After Idol had aired, do you know what Google Trends showed as the Number 10 most searched for item that day? I'll give you a hint: It's the same as the Number ONE searched for item during the 6pm hour (after Idol aired on the east coast)! That's right. "How old is Rod Stewart?" Followed closely by "How old is Gene Simmons?" (He'll be 60 this August.) "How old is Lionel Ritchie?" (He'll be 60 in June.) And "How old is Cyndi Lauper?" (She will be 56 in June.) I couldn't make that funnier if I tried! Behold! The graph!

Hil-arious. (By the way, Rod is 64 and will be 65 next January 10. That's way too old to be strutting around on stage with your plaid-itude and pretending to look like Barbara Walters, if you ask me.) Then there was Bikini Girl, a one dim bulbed Katrina Darrell, there for her encore performance. Best line of the night goes to Ryan Seacrest when he said to a newly 'enhanced' Bikini Girl, "I was going to ask you 'What's new?', but I think I know!" Women who think they're hot always feel the need for the after market accessories. And not like there's anything wrong with that, but you don't want it to be obvious that you've added on, you know? They really need to blend with the original model. But I blissfully digress.

Bikini Girl, I think, was seriously shocked when Kara Dio Guardi began singing and came out on stage behind her as she sang. It took her a moment to realize that she wasn't going to get to bask in four minutes of solitary glory. Maybe it had been planned from the beginning, but Bikini Girl doesn't seem like the brightest bulb on the tree, so I doubt she could have acted that well.

I, personally, found the whole Bikini Girl segment very strange. Here's a chick (who if you said her real name to people, I'd guess 95-98% would not know who you were talking about) standing on a stage in front of thousands of people, wearing nothing but a bikini and a smile, and just singing as if it's perfectly normal! Totally natural! See it every day! NO! You don't. But she had no problem with it. None. And that's why I'm going to offer this bit of advice: Bikini Girl, if someone is reading this to you right now, please listen when I say that if you did not cash in on your 15 minutes of fame within an hour of stepping off that stage, it's over for you, baby. People will not care about you or your hot body a month from now or even a week from now, so if you were planning on using this to launch you toward some fabulous money making opportunity, if you haven't signed a deal by now, I'd start looking for other work. (And by 'other work' I mean what you're probably going to end up doing anyway. Porn.)

I'm not a fan of the re-trotting out of all of the failed and delusional Idol tryout folks. That whole act has really gotten old for me. Not as old as Rod Stewart, but old. It's starting to feel like poking fun at the intellectually disadvantaged and the borderline mentally retarded. It's definitely poking fun at the mentally ill if nothing else. But the one girl, whose name is escaping me at the moment, who had the parents who were just as delusional as she was that she was going to be the next American Idol? Um, acorn? Tree? You can make the connection, right? There was no way in hell that she was going to win American Idol, yet both her parents and her were convinced that she was! They kept saying so. Out loud! And while I'm not making any claims to being able to predict the outcomes of events, I can tell you this with 100% certainty, that girl will win a Cy Young award or a Nobel Prize before she will become the next American Idol and that will occur right about never!

Even with all of the glitz and the glamour and the bikinis and the delusions, the strangest act of the evening, on the show which searches across America for the next greatest vocalist, was Carlos Santana playing a guitar solo. Go figure.

One of my personal highlights was when I realized that it was quite possibly the very last time that we will have to sit through four judges ever again. With any luck, those who have the power over these sorts of things will get rid of Kara LaGuardiaDio Guardi so that it can go back to being just incoherent Paula Abdul and the two gents, Randy Jackson and the be-tee-shirted Brit, Simon Cowell. It just took too long to get through all of their comments and that meant that we likely missed out on some spectacularly incoherent moments from Paula! We can't have that! She needs to babble speak!

Low light of the evening: It was when the kicked-off-after-three-shows-contestant Jorge (and his eyebrows which appear to be two dueling caterpillars going head to head) would not leave the side of Kris Allen after Kris was named the new American Idol! This guy was hanging all over him like they had been dating or something. It was simply to get his face in every single camera shot that there was. Nothing but a camera whore, that Jorge! It was so obvious to the point where if he didn't think his face was on camera, you would see him craning his neck to get his face closer to Kris's face. It was pathetic.

I don't know how far I can delve into the fake-roversy (again, "fake controversy") over whether or not Adam should have won, but I'll try to keep it plain and simple. Adam should not have won. Do you know why? Because the result was based upon votes. Viewer votes. The viewers voted. They voted for Kris. Therefore, Kris should have won because that is what, and stick with me here, the majority of people wanted. Why did they want Kris instead of Adam? It's simple. When Danny got booted (after being given a horrible song to sing by the incoherent Paula Abdul) all of the folks who still cared enough to vote were more likely to vote for Kris than they were for Adam. Was Adam a better singer? I don't know. It depends on how often you can listen to the same sound with different words over and over and over again. Every week was superb for Adam, but it was always the same. Hit the high note that we're all impressed you can do. Wag your tongue a little. Wink too often. Leer a bit. And scream at the end. Same act, different lyrics. Every. Week. But that's why Kris won. People liked him better. (A complex theory, I admit, but one I believe to be factual none the less.)

So that's it. Until January, we are American Idol-less. It wasn't a great season. I couldn't tell you one thing that Kris Allen sang except for the horrific 'coronation song' which was wrote for the eventual winner to record as their first single. The finale was by far the best show of the season. But just wait. Come about December, maybe even November, I'll be looking forward to the airing of the tryouts again and trying to remember Kris Allen's name. Aahh...good times. Good times.

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