I'm Back

Vacation is over.  It was pretty cool, though.  Saw a lot of old friends and I got to watch a baby be born.  The birth was pretty cool.  I'm not necessarily going to recommend and/or endorse it, but I'm glad I was there to see it happen.  One thing about babies that I've noticed is that they smell great.  And that's pretty hard to believe considering where they came from.  Seriously, when you first see that little person all covered in muck and goo, you would never believe it if someone told you, "See that?  It's going to smell great!"  But it sure does.  I think that must be part of the master plan.  If it smelled repulsive, you wouldn't want to take care of it and as humans, we all would have died out a long time ago. 

But let's talk about my trip back.  I drove and I spent the night in Winnemucca, Nevada.  Now, if you've never been to Winnemucca, you're not missing much.  It's in the middle of the Nevada desert on I-80.  The general atmosphere is a mix between tumbleweeds, sadness and despair.  And from what I can tell, the entire town hasn't been updated since at least the 1940s.  I ran across this fabulous piece of real estate when I was there.  Behold! 

Can you believe that something like that is FOR SALE?!  I couldn't either!  And while the entire town doesn't look quite like this, it's really not too far off.  It's also fairly representative of the general attitude of almost everyone that I encountered whilst in Winnemucca.  (The exceptions being the lady that ran the motel that I stayed at and the homeowner who offered me a bottled water when I ran by his house in the morning because it was hot and he didn't want me to get dehydrated.  Other than that, morale was low.) 

And here is the highlight of my trip to Winnemucca.  What we have below is a picture of the outside of the Bar M Saloon.  Their brightly lit sign gives you an idea of what they have to offer.  Since it's kind of hard to see, I'll help you out.  It reads: "BILLIARDS  SLOTS  SCRAPBOOKING".  Behold! 

Wow.  Billiards, slot machines AND scrapbooking?  Not to mention that it's a saloon, so you can get your drink on as you shoot pool, gamble and organize all of those memories in a whimsical book!   Then again, I'd probably be drunk and scrapbooking too if I lived in Winnemucca.  The next time that I'm there (and there will be a next time) I am going to make a more concerted effort to look around that town and really see what's what.  I have the feeling that there are plenty more anomalies just waiting to be discovered. 

Sphere: Related Content

What's Up, Hil?

Have you seen Hillary Clinton lately? I know that being Secretary of State can probably be a pretty non-stop and grueling job. You're always traveling around and trying to work things out between various heads of state and what not. I can see where it would get to you after a while. And I think that the time has come that it has gotten to Hillary. She was in Bali not too long ago. She looks like the crazy lady that asks you for change on the street. Behold!

Seriously, what is going on there? The frock. The glasses. The hair. My God, the hair! That woman needs a vacation. And not in Bali! She needs to vacation somewhere that they do not have frocks such as that. Good Lord, does she need that.

Sphere: Related Content

Is The Groping Worth It

Way too many news stories focusing on the new TSA searches and pat downs. Way too many stories about people who are not happy with the more invasive body searches down by TSA employees. Way too many stories about the upcoming royal wedding. (Seriously. Does anyone really care about that sort of thing anymore? We were all duped into feeling like we should have given a fat rat's ass when Chuck married Di and look how that turned out.) But there aren't near enough stories about what the new TSA searches are supposed to accomplish.

All I read about is how passengers hate them. I have yet to read if they actually do any good. Now, maybe you have more faith in the TSA than I do and think that of course they do some good. But do they really? Seriously, the United States seems to be a bit reactionary whenever it comes to air travel regulations. Some guy tries to blow up a plane with his shoe? Next thing you know, we're all taking our shoes off. Some guy tried to put together a liquid bomb in mid air? Next thing you know, we can't take more than three ounces of any liquid on a plane. (No one has ever explained why three was the magic number in that instance. No, instead they just settled upon three and that's the way it has been ever since.) It's like there has to be an attempt first and then the policy will be fashioned. I'm not so sure that's the best way to go about this.

Here's the thing: All of these more invasive searches that they've been doing lately? Yeah. Those. Tell me, would they have been able to stop, say, the Grundle Bomber? You might also know him as the Underwear Bomber. Can they see stuff like that? I don't know. The reason why I don't know is that no one has answered that question. I'm guessing that they probably couldn't do much about something like that, but that's purely a guess based upon the little faith that I have in most government operations.

If the TSA would just come out and explain why these extra measures are necessary, perhaps some of the uproar would die down. The bottom line is that we all want to be safe, but we don't necessarily want to be groped by a stranger in order to be safe. And mind you, so far, none of the implements that have been, well, implemented have thwarted anything. Not one thing. All failed attempts haven't been taken down by the TSA. No, all failed attempts have been taken down in the air by other passengers. So, I'm not sure how feeling up my breasts, no matter how soft and supple they may be, is going to help thwart future attacks...especially since I'm not a terrorist.

Sphere: Related Content

You Think He Had That Memorized?

OK, so get this. You ready? You know how President Barry is on some trip to visit a bunch of different countries in something like 10 days? OK, so the first place he went was to India. And get this: It is news that he will be using a teleprompter. Wait. What?

Correct. They are almost shocked by that reality. The Telegraph of Calcutta starts off their article about this by writing: "The man who mesmerised you with that silver-tongued “Yes we can” will use a teleprompter while addressing Indian MPs in the Central Hall of Parliament on November 8." This is apparently quite surprising to them because "Sources said they could not recall an instance when a teleprompter, also called autocue or telescript, was used in the Parliament Hall earlier. " Wow. Really? Well, considering that they're giving alternative names for the ol' teleprompter, I guess it's the truth. But, man. That's just surprising to me.

The article states that "Used to the machine-gun delivery of Indian politicians who are never at a loss for words, officials here were a bit perplexed when the US embassy broached the topic of affixing a teleprompter to the lectern..." Really? Perplexed? Holy canoli, the whole world just really thought above and beyond the realm of reality with this guy, didn't they?

They certainly did, as evidenced by the one official who said: “We assumed that Obama, being such a brilliant orator, delivers speeches extempore." Riiiiiigght. Are you kidding me? Y'all assumed that he was just winging it the whole time? Any thoughts as to why, if you thought that, he would actually use a teleprompter? “Probably to avoid Bushisms,” suggested a Parliament House source who, along with his colleagues and officials of the external affairs ministry, spent the day discussing the matter with a technical team from the US. Wow.

It took an entire day to discuss putting up a teleprompter for President Barry? Why would that be? And did those guys never hear President Bush speak? Teleprompter or not, he could barely get out a coherent sentence. That was never news. But it is apparently news (in some parts) for President Barry to use a teleprompter. Odd. Very odd indeed.

Sphere: Related Content

Goin' Coconuts For President Barry

With the number of seats in the House turned over to Republicans, one might be under the impression that there is lot a lot of love for President Barry these days. Of course, one would have to be rather dense or watch a lot of cable news (I know, it's kind of redundant) to believe that, but that's the impression that the media is spewing out there right now. But if you're following the preparations that are being made for his upcoming trip to India (and who isn't?!), you'd know that not only is there still a fondness for the man out there, but it's still in that silly stage in a lot of parts.

According to the fine folks across the pond at The Telegraph, they are taking some rather extreme measures over there in India. Sure, there's the regular security measures that are being tended to. Tons of Secret Service, even though they're not very secret because everyone can tell who they are. Bolted down manhole covers or whatever they use to cover their holes for men over there. Removing all of the coconuts from the trees. Wait. What.

Correct. The article tells us that they are "...removing all natural threats to the president as well". Apparently, 'natural threats' include "All coconuts around the city's Gandhi museum" which is one of President Barry's stops, and they "...are being taken down." Really? The coconuts? Are they that big of a threat that it warrants taking a bunch of them down?

According to the executive secretary (whose name is completely unpronounceable) at one of the places where President Barry is staying, "We told the authorities to remove the dry coconuts from trees near the building. Why take a chance?" Is there a reason why they can't just steer him clear of the trees with the coconuts in them? I'm serious about this. Why is that not the optimal solution? Are they everywhere? Why can't he just wear a helmet? Now that would be something!

Sphere: Related Content

If A Starbucks Falls In The Forest...

I'm hesitant to call this one of the stupidest articles I've ever read, but only because it's in The Wall Street Journal and because I've been known to miss the point from time to time. (Yes, the alpaca incident...again.) But I've read this one twice and it still seems utterly ridiculous and completely baseless. It's what led me to say "Et tu, Wall Street Journal? Et tu?"

The article is about a man named Rafael Antonio Lozano Jr who prefers to go by an alternate name, Winter. He changed his name because he didn't want his credit history confused with his father's even though Winter says that his "...dad's credit history is fine." Uh-huh. Yeah, at this point, I'm not so much concerned about your father as I am about you there, Moonbeam. Your father and your mother both seem to be perfectly normal people. I base that on the fact that they refuse to call him "Winter." (Because if someone is going to change their given name to something that is absolutely ridiculous, especially when it has nothing to do with their given name, don't expect family members to go along with the little quirk! We don't like it! And we will call you John the name you were given!) As far as his "quest", which I will describe below, goes, his mother Georgia Lozano states, "My husband and I feel it's a waste of time." I'm inclined to agree with her. At the very least, I'm perfectly willing to state that I think it's misguided at best.

What's the guy's time waster? Well, the guy likes coffee and the guy likes Starbucks. Back in 1997, when there were only 1,400 stores (that means there was just a Starbucks on every other corner), Winter decided that he was going to visit every Starbucks in the world. Aim high. I'm sure both Georgia and Rafael Sr. were just beaming with pride when you made that announcement. Probably even moreso by 2004 when there were over 8,500 Starbucks stores out there.

Now I expected the article to be about this quest and about the different Starbucks that he had already visited and how many were left on his list. But no. That's not it. Here's what the article summarizes as his problem: "A man on a mission to visit every Starbucks in the world has a problem: Starbucks Corp. is closing scores of stores he has yet to visit." ::: blink ::: ::: blink ::: Are you with me?

Starbucks is closing stores that he hasn't visited yet?! SO WHAT?! It's not like he's missing out on anything! If his "goal" is to visit "every Starbucks in the world" and a particular Starbucks is closed, well then, it's no longer a Starbucks now, is it? NO! It isn't! So if he learns that a particular Starbucks is going to be closing it's doors forever, he should just cross that one off of his list, right?! Yes! He SHOULD. He DOESN'T, but he should! No, instead he seems to freak out and buy a plane ticket to wherever it is that he has to get to before it closes! Which seems completely pointless to me.

Look, I know there's supposed to be a recession going on, but it seems to be a poorly organized recession run by people unclear on the concept. I'm not saying that Starbucks isn't needing to close some stores, but I would have said that BEFORE the alleged recession was in full swing. There was (and in most places, still IS) a Starbucks on every damned corner. (Here, not too far from my walled off compound where I've stockpiled food and ammunition after seeking refuge from the rest of society, there's a Starbucks next to a grocery store. And inside the grocery store? That's right! A Starbucks. They are literally not more than 50 yards from each other and that's stretching it.) And even during the midst of alleged recession, I'm still WAITING IN LINE for the coffee I ordered. But I digress.

According to the Coffee Crusader, "If the store closed before I visited, I would lose another piece of my soul." Really? Your soul? How big is your soul, sir? They've announced over 900 closures. That's a big ass soul you must have there. What are some other fascinating facts about you and your personal life? Anything else as odd as a human soul that is dependent upon the sustenance of Starbucks locations in order to not crumble bit by little, soulful bit?

Depends on what we're considering "odd" to be. "Winter is single and has no kids. When he's not on the road working on software contract jobs, playing in Scrabble tournaments or visiting Starbucks, he lives with his parents in Houston, where he stores his collection of 10,000 super-hero comic books." Huh. Yeah, that sounds about right. That bit of information from the Water is Wet Department. So! Who here is shocked that he's not married and has no children? Show of hands. Anyone? No one? OK, then. Moving on!....

So what am I missing? Not the Starbucks that have already closed, that's for sure! However, I am realizing that I might be more bothered by the fact that Snowflake said that he loses part of his soul when a Starbucks closes before he gets there than I am bothered by the fact that the article completely ignores that when a Starbucks closes and ceases to be a Starbucks forever more, it's not a Starbucks and he DOESN'T have to visit it to fulfill some notion that he came up with almost 12 years ago in an effort to cement himself into Americana lore as 'Quirky Starbucks Guy'! (Whew! Would have had to take another breath if that screed went much longer.)

Dude, it's either time for you to get back to your parents basement and your stacks of Marvel comics or it's time for you to get out of your parents basement and try going somewhere other than a Starbucks. Look around. Live a little. Venture out beyond the world of the coffee bean and the drinks with made up names for the various sizes! Flap your wings and fly, boy! Fly! Fly! Flap those wings! I said FLAP 'EM!

And could the editors over there at the ol' WSJ please try and refrain from publishing articles which take a pointless topic and attempt to make it appear as if it has a point to it? Newspapers have enough problems right now as it is trying to keep revenue flowing in from advertisers. Don't compound the matter and make it worse by giving the green light for stories about nothing.

Sphere: Related Content

Presidential Transport, Superhero Style

Apparently, we have inadvertently elected James Bond or Batman as our fearless leader and President of the United States. I say that after reading an article from BBC News in Washington about President Barry's vehicles and all of the gadgets and all of the security that they have. I guess I always thought that they probably had bullet proof glass and doors and brand new tires all of the time. Oh, and some special holders in the front for those little flags and stuff. I had no clue that his Presidential limo can do everything but fly. (And it might actually be able to do that as well! But that's probably not something you want to publicize too much. You're much better off if you keep that to yourself and then one day just fly over the crowd in your big ol' limo. It's a real crowd pleaser.)

Every President has his own little entourage. But the entourage is far from little. President Barry's is freaking huge. According to Max Deveson for the BBC News, President Barry travels with at least "...200 security officials, dozens of political aides and a team of personal chefs" not to mention the "...White House medical unit - nurses, surgeons and other medical professionals." The medical folks are always on call just in case President Barry gets the sniffles or something. He easily travels with well over 300 people whenever he goes somewhere. I don't think I run into 300 people during the course of an entire day, let alone travel with them. (Ugh. When I travel it's to get the hell away from people. It certainly isn't to bring them with me. It's a philosophy that I adopted during one of the many family road trip vacations that I was subjected to growing up: "Always remember, when you're big, leave these people behind!")

Obviously, if President Barry is traveling over seas to a far and distant land, he's going to need a plane. The plane of choice is Air Force One, a 4,000 sq ft Boeing 747. It is also six stories high, 231 feet, 10 inches long with a wingspan of 195 feet, 8 inches. So it's almost as long as it is wide. And 231 feet is a little bit over 3/4 the length of a football field. Holy crap, that's a BFP (Big Fat Plane). It's a BFP that is fully equipped for just about anything that you or I would never even think would be possible for us to do on a plane. Of course it has an office for him to work out of and meeting rooms for him to, uh, meet out of. That's to be expected. It also has an onboard gym so that he can work out while in flight. That I did not expect. President Barry called Air Force One "spiffy" when he first saw it. Yes, I'm sure it was very "spiffy", to say the least. If there's one thing I think of when I think of the President of the United States, it's "spiffy". Or something. So then, Spiff, what else?

Well, if President Barry does get the sniffles and there are all of the medical personnel there, they might as well have adequate supplies for any sort of health related situation. Therefore, "...Air Force One has medical facilities, including a fold-out operating table, emergency medical supplies, and a well-stocked pharmacy." Huh. How well-stocked? Like Oxy-contin well-stocked? Or Grey Goose vodka well-stocked? Oh, and I can't forget the "...supply of AB-type blood which travels with him for emergency transfusions." So the next time you're reading about President Barry flying around in ol' AF-1 there, remember that he's also flying around with a whole bunch of blood as well.

Then we have the communications. When you're on a 4,000 square foot plane, you can't just holler from one end to the other if you need something. ("Yo, Michelle! Where's the remote?!") AF-1 has 85 freaking telephones, 19 TVs, 238 miles of wiring, and full communication services. What the hell are "full communication services" in addition to the 85 phones? Internet? Walkie-talkies? Shoe phones? That's a lot of stuff. It's a wonder that, given the way the rest of the country is run at times, the people who are in charge of everything seem to be able to get it all done and have the plane operate correctly. Air Force One might actually be our most efficient government program. Sad. We can get ONE plane to go like it's supposed to, but that's all. Nice.

But here's where all of the Bond-y stuff and Batman-y stuff comes in. Get this: "The plane is fitted with some robust security equipment including shields to protect its instruments from an electromagnetic pulse. The communications equipment is even capable of withstanding radiation from a nuclear attack." Holy crap. What?! Protective shields? Nuclear attack proof communications? (They really want to make sure they can get online in the even of global disaster!) And while that's all cool and very superhero, I haven't even told you about the helicopter and the limo yet. They might actually be cooler than AF-1.

The Presidential helicopter is called Marine One. They're not real creative with the names of the Presidential transport vehicles over there. (They're kinda like how Robert Palmer would do all of his music videos in the 80s the same. Couldn't think of anything else, eh, Robert?) Oh, but the President and his family all get Secret Service code names that are just all over the place. Names like Renegade, Renaissance, TwitterBerry, Love Muffin, Stud Cannon (Clinton, of course), Insufferable Shrew (Hillary), etc. But the vehicles are just One and Two. There's no Obamamobile, Obamacopter, Barrycycle. None of that. Marine One's little trick up it's sleeve is that it "...is capable of firing flares to divert heat-seeking missiles." And again, I say, Holy crap! Can't they demonstrate that for the public just once? Well, OK, once a year! Like on the Fourth of July! It'd be patriotic. It'd also be cool as hell to see a helicopter shoot out flares that whack a missile out of the sky. It'd be hard not to refer to your country as the "Home of the Brave" with something like that in the pack pocket of your helicopter. So to speak.

Then there's The Beast. No, not Hillary. The Presidential limo. President Barry's wheels has "...a tear gas cannon, a night-vision camera and oxygen tanks." A cannon?! That shoots tear gas?! Awesome! Put that on the Fourth of July lineup right after Marine One flares out some rockets! Cool. Wait, what are the oxygen tanks for? "It is capable of withstanding a chemical attack." It's hermetically sealed so they'll be able to breathe in there if the chemical attackers do their things. And I'm not saying I want that to happen, I just want to see how it works. How about if instead of doing the chemically attacks, they just drive that thing around the pig farms in Iowa (where the stench is rumored to be so horrendous that it justifies receiving the $1.8 million earmark included in the last bazillion dollar spending bill) and have it do it's thing there?

Along with all of that coolness, President Barry won't have to worry about having to dig around in the trunk for a tire jack to fix a flat because "...should its tires be punctured, the car can still drive at up to 60mph." The Beast is "...fitted with military grade armor at least five inches thick." Five inches thick? I'd read that it weighs 5 tons and is built from titanium, so that makes sense. It also makes sense that it gets 8 miles per gallon as well. (Go green, my ass.) "Its reinforced steel plating is said to be able to protect against bullets, chemical attack, and even a missile strike." Great! They can drive it out to the pig farms, seal it all up and then attack it with a missile (what's that's going to hurt? A few pigs? Mmmm...bacon.) so we can see it do it's thing!


The Beast is also equipped with "...rocket-propelled grenades and pump-action shotguns." Right on! A cannon AND a grenade launcher. Most excellent! Something this cool really should not be kept hidden. They should be showing this puppy off whenever they get the chance. How often does President Barry use The Beast anyway? Oh, right. Everywhere. They even bring it on Air Force One when he travels, reinforcing the impression that it is indeed at BFP.


After riding around in The Beast for a little while, I'll bet that President Barry starts to wish that he was a little more superhero-ish. If you have access to a car (that's legal for cryin' out loud!) that can shoot grenades, launch missiles, and provide you with your own air, you're going to feel a little more nerdy than usual in your coat and tie sitting in there. You're going to want a utility belt and maybe some shiny, plastic, knee high boots. Oooh! And a cape! You have to have a cape in a car like that. Totally.

With all of the stuff that he's had on his plate since he took office, I'll bet that there are days when he just doesn't want to get out of that thing. He probably figures he has air in there, he's totally protected and no one will bother him. And even if they did bother him, he could just launch a grenade at their bothersome ass. I'd stay in there too. Just me and my cape.

Sphere: Related Content