Just Plane Ridiculous

Picture if you will downtown New York City. Manhattan area. Business district. It's early on a Monday morning and the workday is in full swing. You look up and, in an unwelcome moment of deja freaking vu, you see a large plane, a 747, flying ridiculously low and just a bit too close to buildings for the comfort of anyone and everyone downtown at that moment. And if you were going to try to talk yourself out of panicking at that moment, whatever it was you were going to say to yourself became obsolete the second that you noticed the two F-16 fighter planes following the 747. Insert mass hysteria and 'holy shiite' right about here.

Or don't. Yeah, don't. That's because "Two officials told CNN that "the White House Military Office was trying to update its file photos of Air Force One." Later they said "The flyover...was a training mission....it was also a government-sanctioned photo shoot." And later than that the FAA said that the 747 "...was taking part in a classified, government-sanctioned photo shoot." Well, whatever it was, it wasn't because we were under attack again. It was because there are dumbasses in high government positions that don't think New Yorkers need to be informed ahead of time that a low flying jet will be circling Manhattan and to not be alarmed because it's only a photo shoot for publicity photos. What a bunch of morons.

This whole incident was so wrong on so many levels. It doesn't take a rocket surgeon to figure out that an incident like this could very well set off a riot, a fracas, a small melee or a number of other scenarios in which the entire public is consumed by fear and reacting to it in a complete state of panic. They had to plan out the whole photo shoot to begin with. They couldn't add to that plan a little part about alerting the public that "this is just a drill"?

Now, this 'photo shoot' was to take some 'public relations photos'. Why is it that we need 'public relations photos' of Air Force One? Are we selling rides on it? Are we putting the plane up for auction on eBay? Are we trying to encourage more tourists to visit the plane during the summer family travel months? What are we publicly trying to relate the plane to? I don't get it.

Of course, when all was said and done and everyone had a full head of steam, the White House apologized, but they did so in a way that made it sound like it was a totally honest mistake that, really, anyone could have made. Anyone who is just visiting this planet, perhaps, but other than that? I wouldn't have thought anyone could be so freaking ignorant, but I guess they can and I guess they work for the government. Good to know. As for who has been held accountable for this, well....so far "A New York City employee was disciplined for failing to pass on the FAA fly over information when it arrived on the employee's desk at City Hall."

Huh. Disciplined. Disciplined HOW? According to city officials, "...the employee was "reprimanded" and a "letter was placed in his file." " GASP!!! Not a letter! Not in his file! His permanent file? Oh, dear God, however will he go on?1 That poor, poor pinheaded dumbass.

:::: sigh ::::

So where are these photos? If they were 'publicity photos', let's give them the 'publicity' that they wanted them to have and let's see them! Uh, no. No? No.
That's because according to the fine folks over there at Politics Daily, the White House has said that they will not be releasing any of the photos from the incident. They continue to blow smoke up our collective arse by saying that "...this is not a new decision and the plan not to release the photo has remained the same since news of the incident broke last week." Wait. THE photo? As in singular? As in one? ONE?

This waste of someone else's money (which is clearly how those who are in charge of these things must think about it, otherwise they'd be a little more careful with it) ended up costing the taxpayers $328,835, $35,000 of which went for fuel! 300 grand and you only have ONE photo and you're not even going to show it to me?? It's MY money! That's MY photo! Gimme!

But seriously, how much sense does any of that make? None! The sole purpose of this Three Stooges-esque caper was to take new publicity shots of the presidential jet over the city. Publicity. As in "for the public?" Well, not if you're asking Councilman Peter Vallone Jr. He explains (as if he's speaking to morons) "The photos . . . are classified -- that's ridiculous." No, what's "ridiculous" is that you seem to think that "publicity" and "classified" are interchangable. Seriously, Pete, what is it? A big Federal Government game of "I've Got A Secret"?

But the aspect of this fiasco that I love the most is this: To take public pictures for the public and then hide them from that same public and do so under the fake pretense that the public photos are classified, cost the taxpayers over $325k and it also scared the living daylights out of every single person in Manhattan that morning. Could they not have saved all of that money and eliminated all of that fear and terror by just Photoshopping the damned jet in front of the Statue of Liberty or anything else that they wanted? Duh.

Of course they could have! But that's how much those folks seem to care about how efficiently they spend taxpayer money, which is to say not at all! Of all of the people that it took to organize that thing, not ONE of those folks said, "Can't we just Photoshop this and save the time and the money?" Even if they're so stupid that they never would have even considered the emotional impact of a low flying 747 followed by F-16 fighters over the business district, wouldn't you think that perhaps at least ONE of them, just ONE might have thought about Photoshop? Even if they only suggested it because they were so freaking lazy and figured Photoshop would be easier, I wouldn't have cared. It's the most obvious solution to this need.

You could put Air Force One flying over the G-D moon with Photoshop! OH, look. I just did. Behold!

How about Air Force One at the maiden voyage of the Titanic? Ta-DA!

Air Force One and the Hindenburg?
I said AND the Hindenburg! Not AS the Hindenburg! But whatever. What about under the sea?
Not bad. How about the Taj Mahal
Whoa! That was close! OK, this one is tricky. The view from my window.

Very impressive! Now what about some of those landmark figures that they wanted to get pics of Air Force One in front of? Let's start with the Empire State Building.
Not exactly what I had in mind, but it makes the point. How about the Statue of Liberty? Done!

Whoops! Got a little too close there. Let's try that again. Behold!

No! No! No! Just let it go by this time. Behold!
That first time was just an accident. It won't hit you. Once more. Behold!

Oh, for cryin' out loud, never mind! You see my point though, right? Of course. And I don't know if the White House saw my point or not, but it turns out they are going to release at least ONE photo and they claim that they'll be doing it soon. Whatever. All I know is that if whatever picture they show us, if it has even the slightest hint of being Photoshopped, I'm pretty sure my head will explode.

Sphere: Related Content

Random Thoughts du Jour

A few random thoughts....

There's going to be "Ocotmom - The Musical". I know, I know. People clearly have no shame. It's hard to say who is at a lower level, Octomom herself or the folks doing the musical. And according to bangstudio.com, the group putting on the shenanigans would be Cabaret Voltaire and they're currently looking for someone to play the role of OctoNutJob! Here's what they want:

Female, Mid 20’s - mid 30’s. Funny, whimsical, but not too charactery. (Not too charactery?! Have you SEEN her lately? OK, maybe I'm thinking cartoon charactery, but still.) She should be able to command authority, play broad range of facial expressions (expressions that will convey emotions such as "Eight?" "I'm not on welfare" and "I'm not a celebrity, but make sure you take pictures of my good side."), plus physical comedy. Sketch and improv experience a plus. Likable, energetic and at the same time able to be emotionally expressive and believable (and at the same time, un-believable). Can handle musical theatre and pop styles a plus. Actress who can move (including the ability to dodge questions left and right).

My only question is this: If you pay $20 to go see this thing, well....OK, I have two questions. The first one is: If you pay $20 to go see this thing, can I have all of the rest of your money? My second question is if you go to see this thing and you're in one of the front few rows, is it going to be like a Gallagher performance where everyone has to wear rain coats and plastic ponchos to protect themselves from flying debris?

Meanwhile, elsewhere in my brain.....

I've heard more than one news outlet report that the difficult economy is driving people to commit suicide. Really? Wow. I certainly hope I don't get that! That'd be horrible. I don't want to commit suicide! Oh, wait. That's right. I don't have to worry about that because it doesn't happen!
If...Paula...Ab...dul....could...stop....talking...in...such...a.halting....manner...it...

could...maybe...help..her....to....finish...a...com...plete...sentence....one...of...

these...days....But...even....if...she....could...speak...fluently....I....doubt....it....

would...help....her....make...more...sense. Seriously. Last night, she compared Adam Lambert to Michael Phelps. She said that every week "...it's like watching the Olympics and you're our Michael Phelps." Huh. Funny. I don't remember seeing Adam Lambert up there with a bong. Oh, wait. That's right. Paula probably had it.

Sunday on Celebrity Apprentice, Melissa Rivers, daughter of Joan, was fired by The Donald. Mother Joan didn't care for that too much and embarked on an amusing rant directed at Annie Duke and Brande Roderick. Among the myriad of insults that she hurled were gems such as, "I met your people in Las Vegas. None of them have last names. You’re a poker player. A poker player! That’s beyond white trash. Poker players are trash, darling, trash." Um, perhaps Joan is unaware that Annie Duke has won millions of dollars and a World Series of Poker bracelet playing poker. Not too many white trash folks can claim that. (Oh, she also compared her to Hitler. Again with the Hitler! Just to review, comparing Hitler and anyone else? NOT the same.)

Bonus Celebrity Apprentice: As Joan and her daughter, the newly ousted Melissa, were in the elevator (presumably to take them straight down to hell) as the doors were closing and in a show of excellent sportsmanship, not to mention CLASS, Melissa Rivers shouted, "Lying f**king whores." Huh. Apple. Tree. Stay classy, Rivers girls.

Meanwhile, over in New York, a 747 plane followed by two F-16 fighters did a flyby of downtown office buildings and the Statue of Liberty in Manhattan on Monday, sparking a panic amongst office workers (can you blame them?). Turns out there was no need to panic, it was just a White House photo-op in order to get pictures of Air Force One in front of some US landmarks. The problem was that no one was notified that this was going to be occurring, which accounted for the panicked deja vu reaction of practically everyone in the vicinity. And all of this at the low, low cost of only $328,835! First of all, I don't know who could possibly be so stupid that they would schedule this stunt and not tell anyone in New York about it. But aside from that, we live in the world of Photoshop. If you want pictures of Air Force One in front of the Statue of Liberty, then do it....from your computer! Cut and paste the Statue in the background and voila! Air Force One in front of the Statue of Liberty! Yep, your tax dollars hard at work, folks.

The swine flu thing is something to be concerned about, but I've learned that there's something to be even more concerned about. A different disease (not cancer) has killed 13,000 people in this country alone since January. So far, the swine flu has killed zero people in this country. The other disease? That's right...regular flu. Holy crap! The regular ol' flu kills around 36,000 people here in the US every year. That's like 100 people a day! Why aren't we talking about that ALL THE TIME?

A one Megan McAllister, the fiance of alleged Craigslist Killer, a one Philip Markoff, had been sticking to her belief/fantasy that his arrest had all been a terrible mistake and that he wasn't the one responsible for killing at least one woman and also for robbing at least one prostitute. She even issued a statement about a week ago denouncing the arrest and proclaiming that she still loved the guy and still planned to marry him in August. Now that's some loyalty right there. But lately, it seemed as if she was wavering on that loyalty. Hard to say what might have made her waver on that belief. Maybe it was the gun that they found inside of a hollowed out copy of Gray's Anatomy in his apartment. Perhaps the video surveillance tape with a guy on it that looks remarkably like Mr. Markoff. Or it could have been the victim's underwear that were also in his apartment. Regardless, the band that had been booked for their wedding is suddenly available on that date! Imagine! Of course, that still doesn't mean that she thinks he did it or anything. It just means that she's realized that he will likely be busy on that particular date and it would be best to wait until he has an opening in his calendar. Or an opening in the bars on the windows that he can crawl out of because that's going to be about the only way he'll be attending any wedding in the near future. Or in the far future.


I think that should do it for now. Cleared out a little space in my brain to make room for new and exciting bits of minutiae and mundane information. Stay tuned, won't ye?

Sphere: Related Content

Presidential Transport, Superhero Style

Apparently, we have inadvertently elected James Bond or Batman as our fearless leader and President of the United States. I say that after reading an article from BBC News in Washington about President Barry's vehicles and all of the gadgets and all of the security that they have. I guess I always thought that they probably had bullet proof glass and doors and brand new tires all of the time. Oh, and some special holders in the front for those little flags and stuff. I had no clue that his Presidential limo can do everything but fly. (And it might actually be able to do that as well! But that's probably not something you want to publicize too much. You're much better off if you keep that to yourself and then one day just fly over the crowd in your big ol' limo. It's a real crowd pleaser.)

Every President has his own little entourage. But the entourage is far from little. President Barry's is freaking huge. According to Max Deveson for the BBC News, President Barry travels with at least "...200 security officials, dozens of political aides and a team of personal chefs" not to mention the "...White House medical unit - nurses, surgeons and other medical professionals." The medical folks are always on call just in case President Barry gets the sniffles or something. He easily travels with well over 300 people whenever he goes somewhere. I don't think I run into 300 people during the course of an entire day, let alone travel with them. (Ugh. When I travel it's to get the hell away from people. It certainly isn't to bring them with me. It's a philosophy that I adopted during one of the many family road trip vacations that I was subjected to growing up: "Always remember, when you're big, leave these people behind!")

Obviously, if President Barry is traveling over seas to a far and distant land, he's going to need a plane. The plane of choice is Air Force One, a 4,000 sq ft Boeing 747. It is also six stories high, 231 feet, 10 inches long with a wingspan of 195 feet, 8 inches. So it's almost as long as it is wide. And 231 feet is a little bit over 3/4 the length of a football field. Holy crap, that's a BFP (Big Fat Plane). It's a BFP that is fully equipped for just about anything that you or I would never even think would be possible for us to do on a plane. Of course it has an office for him to work out of and meeting rooms for him to, uh, meet out of. That's to be expected. It also has an onboard gym so that he can work out while in flight. That I did not expect. President Barry called Air Force One "spiffy" when he first saw it. Yes, I'm sure it was very "spiffy", to say the least. If there's one thing I think of when I think of the President of the United States, it's "spiffy". Or something. So then, Spiff, what else?

Well, if President Barry does get the sniffles and there are all of the medical personnel there, they might as well have adequate supplies for any sort of health related situation. Therefore, "...Air Force One has medical facilities, including a fold-out operating table, emergency medical supplies, and a well-stocked pharmacy." Huh. How well-stocked? Like Oxy-contin well-stocked? Or Grey Goose vodka well-stocked? Oh, and I can't forget the "...supply of AB-type blood which travels with him for emergency transfusions." So the next time you're reading about President Barry flying around in ol' AF-1 there, remember that he's also flying around with a whole bunch of blood as well.

Then we have the communications. When you're on a 4,000 square foot plane, you can't just holler from one end to the other if you need something. ("Yo, Michelle! Where's the remote?!") AF-1 has 85 freaking telephones, 19 TVs, 238 miles of wiring, and full communication services. What the hell are "full communication services" in addition to the 85 phones? Internet? Walkie-talkies? Shoe phones? That's a lot of stuff. It's a wonder that, given the way the rest of the country is run at times, the people who are in charge of everything seem to be able to get it all done and have the plane operate correctly. Air Force One might actually be our most efficient government program. Sad. We can get ONE plane to go like it's supposed to, but that's all. Nice.

But here's where all of the Bond-y stuff and Batman-y stuff comes in. Get this: "The plane is fitted with some robust security equipment including shields to protect its instruments from an electromagnetic pulse. The communications equipment is even capable of withstanding radiation from a nuclear attack." Holy crap. What?! Protective shields? Nuclear attack proof communications? (They really want to make sure they can get online in the even of global disaster!) And while that's all cool and very superhero, I haven't even told you about the helicopter and the limo yet. They might actually be cooler than AF-1.

The Presidential helicopter is called Marine One. They're not real creative with the names of the Presidential transport vehicles over there. (They're kinda like how Robert Palmer would do all of his music videos in the 80s the same. Couldn't think of anything else, eh, Robert?) Oh, but the President and his family all get Secret Service code names that are just all over the place. Names like Renegade, Renaissance, TwitterBerry, Love Muffin, Stud Cannon (Clinton, of course), Insufferable Shrew (Hillary), etc. But the vehicles are just One and Two. There's no Obamamobile, Obamacopter, Barrycycle. None of that. Marine One's little trick up it's sleeve is that it "...is capable of firing flares to divert heat-seeking missiles." And again, I say, Holy crap! Can't they demonstrate that for the public just once? Well, OK, once a year! Like on the Fourth of July! It'd be patriotic. It'd also be cool as hell to see a helicopter shoot out flares that whack a missile out of the sky. It'd be hard not to refer to your country as the "Home of the Brave" with something like that in the pack pocket of your helicopter. So to speak.

Then there's The Beast. No, not Hillary. The Presidential limo. President Barry's wheels has "...a tear gas cannon, a night-vision camera and oxygen tanks." A cannon?! That shoots tear gas?! Awesome! Put that on the Fourth of July lineup right after Marine One flares out some rockets! Cool. Wait, what are the oxygen tanks for? "It is capable of withstanding a chemical attack." It's hermetically sealed so they'll be able to breathe in there if the chemical attackers do their things. And I'm not saying I want that to happen, I just want to see how it works. How about if instead of doing the chemically attacks, they just drive that thing around the pig farms in Iowa (where the stench is rumored to be so horrendous that it justifies receiving the $1.8 million earmark included in the last bazillion dollar spending bill) and have it do it's thing there?

Along with all of that coolness, President Barry won't have to worry about having to dig around in the trunk for a tire jack to fix a flat because "...should its tires be punctured, the car can still drive at up to 60mph." The Beast is "...fitted with military grade armor at least five inches thick." Five inches thick? I'd read that it weighs 5 tons and is built from titanium, so that makes sense. It also makes sense that it gets 8 miles per gallon as well. (Go green, my ass.) "Its reinforced steel plating is said to be able to protect against bullets, chemical attack, and even a missile strike." Great! They can drive it out to the pig farms, seal it all up and then attack it with a missile (what's that's going to hurt? A few pigs? Mmmm...bacon.) so we can see it do it's thing!


The Beast is also equipped with "...rocket-propelled grenades and pump-action shotguns." Right on! A cannon AND a grenade launcher. Most excellent! Something this cool really should not be kept hidden. They should be showing this puppy off whenever they get the chance. How often does President Barry use The Beast anyway? Oh, right. Everywhere. They even bring it on Air Force One when he travels, reinforcing the impression that it is indeed at BFP.


After riding around in The Beast for a little while, I'll bet that President Barry starts to wish that he was a little more superhero-ish. If you have access to a car (that's legal for cryin' out loud!) that can shoot grenades, launch missiles, and provide you with your own air, you're going to feel a little more nerdy than usual in your coat and tie sitting in there. You're going to want a utility belt and maybe some shiny, plastic, knee high boots. Oooh! And a cape! You have to have a cape in a car like that. Totally.

With all of the stuff that he's had on his plate since he took office, I'll bet that there are days when he just doesn't want to get out of that thing. He probably figures he has air in there, he's totally protected and no one will bother him. And even if they did bother him, he could just launch a grenade at their bothersome ass. I'd stay in there too. Just me and my cape.

Sphere: Related Content