How To Handle A Cheating Spouse

You know what you do when you catch your spouse cheating on you...in your house...in your bed? You do what this marvelous guy did. Yep. This is exactly how you handle this sort of a situation.

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Super Kinky Bowl 2012

The Super Bowl was yesterday. I had a good time. I went to a friend's house and watched it amongst about 10 people. Good times. Good food. And little did we know that if we had only looked on Craigslist (and were partial to weirdos) that we could have had our food and drinks paid for (up to $1500 worth!) by some very odd and (seemingly) very lonely soul out there.

Seriously. Here is an ad that was posted on Craigslist on January 31, 2012. At least the guy was thinking ahead. I'll give him that. Don't get me wrong. He's likely a weirdo pervert who I wouldn't want within 50 miles of my home, let alone in my living room. But I like it when people don't wait until the last minute for things. I'll provide you with the text of this guy's very strange proposition, but just so you know I'm not making this up, behold!

And now, the text...

If you're planning on having a Super Bowl party this Sunday, I'm looking for a group of open minded people to let me watch them watch the game.

I'd prefer a party of mostly straight, young couples, but a lot of singles would be fine too, especially if there are guys there who get really into the game and paint their faces.

In return for letting me watch you, I will be more than happy to front the bill for all of your food and drinks, up to $1500. All I ask in return is to have a good view of the entire party and a private area to excuse myself to from time to time.

I'm pretty laid back and definitely won't bother you at all. In fact, if there's a way for me to sit out of view and still see everyone, that would be great. The last people who had me over for their Oscar party barely even knew I was there because I sat in a reading nook behind all the action. I could see and hear them but they couldn't really see or hear me. That kind of set-up would be ideal, if you have it. If not, we can improvise. Worse comes to worse I might just hang out in the bathroom for a little bit right before halftime and at the end of the game.

If interested, please email me before Saturday, and if possible include a picture of your party space and pictures of as many people who are attending the party as you can get your hands on.

OK, then. There are so many disturbing things about this that it's really hard to know where to start. I feel like I need a shower after reading that. This guy takes the whole "I wanna watch" thing to a completely different level. The whole part about him needing a "private area" is completely revolting. I might have "private areas" in my home, but they're not for that and they're certainly not for him and that! Good Lord, sir. Do people really paint their faces when they're watching the game at home? That seems...unnecessary. (Then again, I'm not sure that it's all that "necessary" when you're actually in attendance at the game either. I've never really understood the face painters. Or the chest painters. I don't get them either. But if you're painting your face to watch a game in your own living room, you might want to check yourself. Not like that!)

I can only shudder to think of what this guy looks like and what kind of a guy that he is. We already know that he's kind of guy that's willing to fork out up to $1500 for his kink. I don't know what that means exactly, but I don't think that it's good. I've heard of some strange requests before, but this is definitely one of the strangest. Now, if I could just sit back and hope that things don't get any weirder in this lifetime, I'd be happy. I'm dying to know if anyone took him up on his offer. Should I email him and ask? Hmmm. Do I really want to know? I kind of do. Actually, if someone did take him up on his offer, I'd really like to talk to them. I have several questions for people who are willing to let a complete stranger use their households private areas in exchange for a couple of bags of Funyuns and some dip.

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Toads On Craigslist

Yesterday, we had what might have been the shortest "sex scandal" in Congress ever. Seriously, the only way that you knew that anything had even happened is because suddenly the guy resigned. And it was only 3-1/2 hours after the whole thing came out! Then when you hear something like that, that's when you get to hear why he resigned. It's all just very odd. And I really don't think that it's much to resign about. But then again, at least we won't have to hear about it for weeks on end. I hope.

Here's the deal: There's a New York Representative named Chris Lee. Now, Mr. Lee is a married bloke and he wanted to have an affair. From what I can tell, he did not have an affair...this time. But then again, when you're caught doing something, you're rarely caught on your first time out. Whether or not he had affairs before trying to have this one is beyond me. (Translation: He's been cheating on his wife for a while now. Pig.)

See, he was trolling Craigslist looking for a hookup and ended up being enticed by "...a 34-year-old single woman of "black/Irish" descent, who had advertised online for a "financially & emotionally secure" man" according to the NY Post. (Black/Irish descent? Begorrah, M-F-ers! Yeah, that joke really works best if you use an Irish accent. It's pretty good without it, but the accent really hits it home.) She apparently had written: "Will Someone Prove To Me Not All CL [Craigslist] Men Look Like Toads". Oh. I see. So, you're too good for Craigslist, and yet you're on Craigslist. This woman is bothering me already.

Representative Einstein replied to said ad with: "Hi, Hope I'm not a toad. :)". I can only assume that is when he sent the following picture of himself. Behold!

Good Lord, sir. What is that look on your face? Were you recently anesthetized before taking that pictures? And seriously, when are people going to learn how to take pictures with their phone without actually having to point the phone IN the mirror?! What the what?! I really have no answers. He apparently also included in his reply (along with that sexy, sexy photo): "I'm a very fit fun classy guy. Live in Cap Hill area. 6ft 190 lbs blond blue. 39. Lobbyist. I promise not to disappoint." Oh. Sure. Yeah, you seem classy. Because nothing says "classy" like a married member of Congress taking a shirtless picture of himself in his bathroom. Oh, yeah. It reeks of class. Reeks. And I guess that "promise not to disappoint" means...can get an erection? I'm a little unclear on that part, so I'm really just surmising at this point. I can't think of much else, though.br>

Of course, we all know now that he is not 39 and he is not a lobbyist. He is 46 and he was a Representative for the state of New York. He was also married at the time. Whether or not that plays out for very long after this fiasco, we'll just have to wait and see. Then again, if I was his wife, it wouldn't be so much about the affairs as it would be about his way of going about them. "Here I am in my bathroom without my shirt. Am I a toad?" Ugh. What a tool.

He did send along an explanation of the photo that he sent, saying: "I just took this one . . . I'm relaxing at home." You're just relaxing at home? Who the hell relaxes at home like that? In their bathroom, still wearing their dress slacks and (probably) their loafers and completely shirtless? Apparently, he wants someone to believe that he does. The woman who had originally posted the ad had similar questions to mine, asking him: "So do you always send shirtless pics to women from cl?" Lady, you're trolling for dudes on Craigslist! You can knock off the little coy act. You're no saint yourself, you know. And while that question was pretty bad, his answer is even worse.

The dude answers her and explains: "Sorry. It's all I had." It's all you had?! You took a picture with your cell phone! What, you cell phone doesn't work any more? The days of those sort of excuses are gone. Long gone. There is NO excuse for not sending someone a current picture of yourself. There's also NO excuse for not sending someone a picture of yourself where you are be-shirted. You could have taken a picture of yourself while your shirt was still on! Does he not get this sort of logic? He apparently did not! Even if you put the cell phone part aside, why would the ONLY picture that you would have of yourself be one where you don't have on your shirt?! Maybe he's just routinely shirtless. "I don't even know where to find a shirt. It's been so long. I haven't worn a shirt in years!" What a maroon.

And that's that. Once word of him and his shirtless stupidity got out (when the chick figured out who he was because he was dumb enough to use his real name, she went running to Gawker.com and I'm guessing sold them her story just like you'd expect a gem like her to do), he resigned. It's over. But there is one little side note I'd like to leave you with. Back in 2009, "...shortly after he helped pass the Student Internet Safety Act" (you read that right), he "...wrote an op-ed piece warning kids about the dangers of the Internet." He wrote: "Responding to what may seem like a friendly e-mail . . . can have serious consequences...Private information and images can so easily be transmitted to friends and strangers alike." That's good advice, son. Good ad-vice.

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A Lesbian, A Ferret And A Missed Connection

I've always wondered if the 'Missed Connections' section of Craigslist ever works. I mean, if you happen to bump into someone in the grocery store and you think they're hot but you're too nervous to say anything to them and so you go home and post the basics of the encounter in the 'Missed Connections' section, does anything ever become of that? I can't imagine that it would. Sure, there's the whole blind squirrel finding a nut once in a while thing (and really, all that does for me is conjure up some image of this little squirrel wearing dark glasses with a white cane), but it is even that frequent that one would find who they are looking for via Craigslist in 'Missed Connections'?

Not only do you have to use Craigslist, but the person that you're looking for also has to use Craigslist. Then they have to be able to noodle through that you are, in fact, the person that they are talking about. I guess that the more detail that the searcher puts in his post then the more of a chance that the searchee would recognize themselves in said post. I suppose that if you do that, you're not supposed to worry about what everyone else will think if you put down those details that the object of your desire would connect with.

What is all of this leading up to? Naturally, it's a post on Craigslist in the 'Missed Connections' section. This particular post is out of Cleveland. I don't know if this sort of thing is common in Cleveland or what the deal is there, but it's definitely one of a kind, I'll tell you that much. If you can figure out what has gone on in this instance, more power to you. I'm still noodling the whole thing through, myself. Here's what we have: The post is titled "Britney with the ferret - m4w (Cleveland westside)" and it reads as follows:

I feel so stupid doing this

I am the ugliest guy you ever met and old

and you are the prettiest gal I have ever met and young

I know you are a Lesbian and have a wife

I am so attracted to you with my head, heart and................... well other parts as well

please tell me your ferrets name so I know its you

Um, OK. Wait. What now? So...it's a stupid old guy trying to find a married lesbian named Britney with a pet ferret? Is that what I'm getting from this? Wow. OK. I have SO many questions, I don't even know where to start. I mean, kudos to the guy for going out on a limb like he did. That takes guts. Now here come the real questions. How does he know all of this about Britney? Did she have her ferret with her during their encounter? Was her wife there? Is he aware of what a lesbian is? Does he know there is no need for capitalization? How old is old and how ugly is ugly? Am I the only one dying to know the name of the ferret?

I have to say, I really hope that this chick gets back to him. Britney, if you're out there, contact the old and ugly guy who has a thing for you (and possibly your ferret). It would make his day. And if you don't want to contact him, how about contacting me?! I'd love to know the name of your ferret, not to mention what in the hell went on over there in Cleveland between you two! Or I could just be your go-between. I will make this work! Drop me a line!

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Posts That Practically Write Themselves

I swear, some days, this thing practically writes itself. With a headline of "Sexy dancer too old, man tells police", I can practically take the day off. It's one of those rare times when snarky commentary almost isn't needed. Almost.

According to the citrus-y folks over there at the Orange County Register, "A man...called police at about 4 a.m. Monday after a woman he found on Craigslist took money from him without "providing proper services and he feels this is improper". A woman he found on Craigslist? Well, this can be nothing but untoward, can't it?

Correct. According to the article, "The man had contacted a girl from a Craigslist ad with a picture and a phone number. She was to perform a "sexy dance" for $200, money paid up-front". Uh-huh. A sexy dance, was it? For $200, cash money, was it? I see. Soooo, she was a hooker. What else?

Well, this may shock you, but sometimes, those pictures that people post of themselves all over the Internets? Yeah, sometimes, those pictures don't look anything like the actual people themselves! I know! Who'd a thunk it? That kind of seems to be the case here. See, "The girl that arrived was older than the girl in the picture, "causing the informant to reconsider". OK, that part I kind of get. I really wish that I knew "older than what", though. I mean, if he was expecting Rue McClanahan and ended up with Betty White, I think that's about even. But if he was expecting Lindsay Lohan (who seems to be running out of cash and might just find herself in the "sexy dance" category on Craigslist sooner than we might think) and he ended up with Courtney Love (who actually might end up with Lindsay Lohan the way things seem to be going for her lately), well, then I could see the reconsidering. Actually, any one of those four women showing up at my front door would have me heading for the hills. Especially if it were Rue McClanahan, considering she just died a few weeks ago.

But here's the part that I don't really get: "When he told the girl to keep $20 for gas and give him back the rest of his money, the girl refused and left with the entire $200." So, let me get this straight. He's expecting a young woman who is going door-to-door and performing "sexy dances". He gets an old woman who claims to be able to perform a "sexy dance". He PAYS her $200. And then what? Then he opens his eyes?! Why did he pay her at all if she wasn't what he expected? Was there some sort of magic that was promised along with this "sexy dance"? I mean, I could see paying $200 for something that was a little more than just a dance, and magic would be worth it. Changing from an old broad into a hot, young, dancing chick would seem to be worth at least $200. But since there has been no mention of any anticipated magic up to this point, I'm going to have to assume that was not the case.

Strangely, however, "Police said no one was arrested because there is no law against a "sexy dance." Deputies did not make contact with the woman from the ad, and it appears she kept the money". Yes, I realize that there are no laws forbidding the "sexy dance". But she didn't dance! She showed up and took $200 and on top of that, she was old! Very strange indeed.

But wait! There's more! "The man – whose mother was there and was "angry about it as well" – decided not to file a report". Oh. My. God.

How old IS this man, exactly? And why was he ordering a Craigslist sexy dancer when his mother was there? And why was his mother informed of said sexy dancer that he would be paying $200 for? She was angry about it as well? Did she help pick her out? What the hell is going on down there in Orange County? You know what? Never mind. I don't want to know. I'm suddenly on the side of the elderly sexy dancer.

Let me tell you what really happened. The guy hooked up with this chick on Craigslist who was a hooker. I'm going to have to guess that his mother wasn't home at the time. The mom must have come in shortly after the money exchanged hands, but definitely before any swapping of bodily fluids (and most likely chlamydia) took place. The dude came up with the "sexy dance" story because that would be more acceptable to his mother than "I got a hooker". He wanted his money back. The chick knew that he'd never say that she was a hooker because of his mom being there and all, so she just took off. Seems reasonable. Yeah, I'm definitely on her side.

And this, kids, is why you never order women off of the Internets, especially if you're expecting your mother to return home shortly. Back to you.

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Holy Crap! Best of Craigslist!

I have written before about how I love craigslist. It's the posts that make it into the "Best of Craigslist" section that are really more of an art than they are an online classified ad of some sort. I have figured out that in order for a post to make it into the "Best of" section, it really seems to help if the author is any combination of the following:

Frustrated

Funny

Desperate

Angry

Also, an extensive vocabulary is a must if you're striving for "Best of". Very extensive. Like the post below which makes use of the term "loquacious". I love that. It's hard to fit "loquacious" into everyday conversation, so I appreciate that this person managed to incorporate it into her ad.

On a first date: I will not put out, although, upon cessation of said date I will violently rape my Rabbit and envision your hands and mouth all over my body. We may discuss this in the future, if I decide you're worthy of more conversation.

In an effort to further my not-putting-out goal, I will not shave and will wear mis-matched socks. Just remember this if you respond to this ad, we go out, and you are having dirty thoughts over dinner. UNSHAVEN/MISMATCHED (just repeat it to yourself. You may be surprised how quickly wood will disappear)

I will engage you in conversation, perhaps shock you with hilarious stories of my past. I may use "big" words, and I refuse to dummy down for anyone.

I will make you laugh, assuming you have a brain and the personality to "get it".

I won't order a salad, nor will I order the most expensive entree. If I am hungry, I will eat.

I may call you the following day. I may not.

On the second date: I may, in fact, put out. Why? Because I find few people meet/exceed my expectations enough to be granted a second date. I'm not promising I'll shave (kidding). We will discuss the ridiculous happenings in both of our worlds since the last time we spoke.

I may ask you to leave following copulation. I may snuggle. I own a vagina and cannot decide at the present time how I will feel/react after sex.

Yes, I just typed all of that. Now, here's where the prospect pool will thin accordingly...

YOU MUST BE

of the caucasian persuasion

funny

loquacious

driven

single (that means not LEGALLY married)

under 38

over 23

not a baby-daddy

drug/disease free (everyone knows you can tell if someone has AIDS by looking)

sarcastic

well-mannered, for appearances

able to leave work at work. this implies employment

educated (beauty school and diesel college do not count)

NOT AN AUDIO ENGINEER/SINGER-SONG WRITER/OTHER MUSICAL FAILURE

act like a man. If I wanted a questionable fag, I'd date a girl. They smell better, anyway.

I AM...

Over one-night stands.

Very comfortable in my skin.

Unafraid.

Equally unashamed.

Not looking to get married, but over the fuck buddy status.

Able to say "no" and scream "yes".

Calm, collected, logical, rational, politically incorrect, and witty

TOGETHER, WE WILL

bowl

play trivia

act like raging dickheads in public establishments

giggle at midgets

fornicate regularly

discuss books

drink excessively if the mood strikes, and it will. Often

laugh at others and harder at ourselves

one-up eachother

WE WILL NOT

involve species other than homosapiens in our bedroom routine.

yell, argue, at like gigantic three-year-olds when we're upset

be dishonest

care what everyone else thinks

do any activity with one another's family more than once a month

act like something doesn't bother us, when it does

throw low-blows in times of frustration

Oh, and just to make sure I don't attract the wrong type of man, here comes what some of you will be dismayed at... I'm not fat. I'm not the healthiest individual, but I'm not a walking heart attack. If you appear to be more than 2.5 months pregnant, don't respond

I have my original 32. If you don't know what I'm referring to, don't respond. If you know what I am referring to, and you just took the time to "count", you probably should sit this one out.

I'm short. I don't care how tall or short you are so long as your girth does not exceed your height.

I'm not into anything sexual that involves blood shed or leaves marks. General ass-slapping and hair pulling = perfectly acceptable. Donkey punches, not so much. Yes, I did just type that. Dirty Sanchez is out, as well.

Bring your A-game, bitches.

No, I do not know what "Dirty Sanchez" is. Please don't ask. Hmmm. And after a moment of ponderance, please don't tell me what it is either. I don't think I want to know anything more about Sanchez and why he may or may not be dirty.

Over here in Minneapolis, one fine ad writer is offering up his services at the low, low price of only fifty dollars. Fifty dollars? To do what, you ask? Why, to teach your cat to walk on a leash. Maybe.

Well, there are no guarantees, but it can be done. I am a dog person by nature, but have slowly taught my cats to walk on a leash outdoors. So many people have stopped and said, "'I've always wanted to do that, how did you you do it?" that I figured I might try to pass on some knowledge for a minimal fee.

Walking your cat is great fun, and they love it. One of mine took to it right away and still sits meowing at the door to go out; the other, who I got when he was older, was terrified of the outdoors at first, but has come to love it. Most felines would love to be outdoors, smelling and feeling new things, even if they're scared at first. Most people just don't give them the chance.

Cats after three years old may not be able to acclimatize to the outdoors and all of its stimuli; some cats hate the harness; and others may just be housecats, pure and simple. Them's the breaks.

Teaching them how to walk takes time and patience, but it is rewarding. I should add that they rarely walk completely like a dog (i.e. your cat won't jog next to you), and will sometimes decide, "Hey, let's slow down and lay down here for a while, this bush smells good," you can train them to walk alongside you on a leash for long periods of time. Once they get that first taste, they love it.

And once you can do that, you can take your cat to the beach, to the park, to the lake, etc. A whole new world for them, and fun for you.

My fee for an hour or so of instruction is fifty dollars. I will bring one of mine over as a demonstration and talk to you about the various steps to take. I can't guarantee that your cat will learn to walk on a leash, but if it does your fifty will be well spent.

While I can appreciate the entrepreneurial nature that the above post comes with, if I'm going to spend fifty dollars for something that only might happen, I'm going to spend it in Vegas. At least then, even if what might happens doesn't, it will still have been enjoyable.

But what we have below is pure genius. What a guy. Sounds like he'd be a blast to have as a roomie. Click the image to make it larger. If it's not large enough, try over here at BuzzFeed and that should be plenty big enough for you.

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Something for Everyone on craigslist

I like craigslist. I mean, aside from the occasional hooker murder here and there, it's a pretty good deal. People make some strange posts sometimes. I've noticed that the stranger the post, the funnier it is. I'm not sure why, but I think it's because most of the time, the person who wrote the post seems so sincere. They're not trying to be funny. They probably don't think of themselves as a strange ranger. Little do they know that they are funny and they're some of the stranger rangers out there in Internet land.

Found this one in the personals. It seems to back up my theory that no matter what you're into, no matter what you're looking for, the Internet will lead you to another person with your same tastes in whatever. Decor, entertainment, leather-y undergarments, goats wearing berets, whatever. If you have the Internet, you can find other members of your tribe with the greatest of ease. Check out what this wants:

Want to get arrested for public intoxication experience SF jail - 45 (glen park)
Is it posible to get arrested for public intoxication in the city. I have been to all bay area jails except San Francisco county. I have been to Blain Street in Santa Cruz for almost a year. They made me the jail cook becuase I am a chef and cooked in the coast guard. I went to coulinary school in San Francisco and they sent me to Blain street women's jail. They loved my cooking. I would like to spend several days or just do weekends for a while. I like the jail snail. I enjoy getting drunk and do not mind being around a group of drunk women. I hear they have a section for gay women and it is a real party their. I also look good in orange and I do not mind wearing cottons panties for a while. We could also become friends and yo can visit me at the jail. This visit will probably be behind glass but that is okay maybe you can take a picture and we can laugh about it later. Please send your ideas on how to get thrown in jail safely and just for a little bit. Hit me up and we could meet for drinks. I love eating at Frisca I am half latina and half white. about 5.7 and 160 pounds. I do work out. Light brown hair and eyes. I would love to get arrested for public intoxication and get brought to jail in the paddy wagon. I think I would like riding in the paddy wagon. I know I enjoy riding in the jail bus. Please help, this could be the start of a great friendship or you could join me. The more the marrier. If they put us with other Lesbians this would be a real party. Take Care and see you in the visiting room hopefully.
Sharon"

Wow. Well, I suppose it's good to have goals, yes? No? Yeah, hard to say.

*****Here we have an ad that is seemingly normal. Just some guy wanting to unload a TV. Until you get to the last 2 sentences. Then things start to get a little weird.

FREE Sony Trinitron 32" TV

FREE Sony Trinitron 32” TV model KV-32S12. Works fine with good picture and sound. The power button on the front panel doesn’t have any effect, but the remote turns it on and off fine. The remote is not the original Sony one, but it does control the basic functions. You can also program many universal remotes to control a Sony TV like this one.

This unit is fairly heavy (70 pounds), so you’ll need help moving it, but I can help you load it into your truck, SUV, or minivan when you pick it up.

Pick up afternoons after 2pm or evenings. (Oh yeah, no flake-olahs, please!)

Does anyone need a T.V.? It's heavy, but, hey, the price is right, right? Just gas and your afternoon. I know, I hate driving to places and picking stuff up too. Wastes your whole day. Please take beige loveseat as well. I'll help load both. Oh, and must take a bag of candy. Need to unload the stuff. Greedy wife bought too many bags of it. "

What the heck is that all about? A bag of candy? What kind of candy? And it doesn't sound like your wife is greedy, it sounds like she's hungry and it kind of sounds like she might have some sort of hoarding disorder. And what if I don't want the loveseat? He makes it pretty clear that taking a bag of candy is non-negotiable, but is the couch part of the deal as well? Has sort of a bait-and-switch feel to it. Though I do like how he specifies the different kinds of vehicles that you might be able to drive in order to pick up the TV. Thanks for that, sir, but you're not going to trick me into bringing a vehicle that's big enough to ft the TV and your damned beige loveseat.
*****The owners of the plants below seem to think that you need to know about their own personal relationship with the plants before you decide whether or not you want them.

Some GREAT PLANTS!!
"Come and get them!!! African Iris that we called Japanese Iris for a year. About 3 feet high and will bloom with delicate white with purple flower. This is a plant that needs no attention to grow.
Pick them up at the telephone pole at the beginning of our drive way. No need to check with us. xxxx Tulare Ave., Richmond."

Huh. "Needs no attention to grow" and is outside next to a telephone pole, yet it is somehow important that they get rid of the Japanese African iris that they've had for over a year. Why not just leave it there? Why the ad on craigslist?

*****

Apparently, innovation during a recession involves making your own paper out of...paper, that is correct! Behold!

Used Paper - great for making handmade paper

"I have a whole bunch of used paper that has come out of business sales binders. The colors are light blue, purple, green and white - all have been printed on. This would be great if you like to make handmade recycled paper using a wood frame and screen technique. I need this out today or I'm tossing it it tonight.

Pick up in Pleasanton across from Hospital - TODAY ONLY! "

I will totally admit to being curious as to the "wood frame and screen technique" for making paper out of paper. It seems so much more complicated than just letting the paper be paper without the whole frame and screen process.

*****If all else fails, use your mother. Mother Earth, that is, to help you get rid of some stuff in your yard or farm or whatever it is. And use your Mother Earth in just the same way that your own mother would try to get you to do things. With a guilt trip.

Help your mother!
Lots of tires, all different sizes and conditions. Some good some not so.
You can pick and chose which tires you want to take home but if you take them all your carbon foot print will be something to behold.
Make a good swings or maybe they will fit your VW Bus.
Can be made into sandals, planter boxes, driveway boarders who knows but we got them if you want them.
If you don't come and take them we have to take them to the land fill, the earth needs you to save it from this fate.
Think of something! We must save Mother Earth (aka: MOM-E) from the dumped old tires, it is up to you.
Come and get them, put you heart into it "I know you can doooo it!"
Save the Planet one tire at a time!!!
Take the tires and I will throw in two (count them) two mail boxes on a wood base and some old plywood too.
Think of it you can recycle wood, mail boxes and dozens of old tires. MOM-E will give you a big sloppy kiss, where you need it most!
Hey! Is that flag up on the mail box? I bet there is mail waiting for you, maybe MOM-E has sent you a thank you note! "

Who are these people who are making sandals out of old tires? Let me rephrase that. Who are these people who have money for a computer and are making sandals out of old tires? It took me a minute to figure out that 'boarders' weren't folks who would rent your driveway space from you as a place to live, but rather the 'borders' that go along the sides. See? Spelling is important. I'm also thinking that this guy might be the same guy with the TV who wanted to pawn off his loveseat as well because here he thinks that it would make perfect sense that someone who wants a bunch of old tires for sandal making would also want a couple of mail boxes and some old plywood to boot!

*****And now...the wanted section. People want a lot of things. And apparently, people don't care how ridiculous they sound if they think that whatever they're saying will get them what they want. Like the post below. Sure, it's a little dramatic, but I'd be interested to know if this ends up working for this guy. After all, he might starve!

only seriously rich apply.

i need a grant for $ 10,000 to pay off student loans. and apply for grad school. i work full time and study costs keep rising. might starve if i don't get grant soon.

deposit to paypal e-mail RajitRavicha@earthlink.net "

Yes, because the last time I checked, the number of grad students in the United States that actually starved to death last year was phenomenally high. Yeah, good luck with that.
*****Some folks only have one minor little obstacle standing in their way which is keeping them from getting what it is that they want. Like the poster below. However the 'only thing' standing in her way is kind of a major thing, considering the ambition. It is also hil-arious.

14 yr old want to be pro photographer
"my 14 yr old wants to become a professional photographer and the only thing standing in her way currently is the fact that she doesn't have a decent digital camera she can use and I can't afford to buy her one. if you are a photographer, and have an old, working, digital camera, capable of taking quality photos, unlike snapshots or phone cams do,
we would love to put it to good use. thanks for reading this posting and God Bless :) "

And I want to be a professional tennis player, but the only thing standing in my way is that I don't know how to play tennis, I don't have a racket, I don't have a ball and I don't have anywhere to play. I do, however, have a nice pair of white shorts which I will wear when I am a professional tennis player.

*****As I am a big fan of the woo-ing process, I was just happy to read in the post below that it wasn't a lost art. Hey, at least the person is planning ahead for how they're going to spend the summer!

Wanted: Boom box for woo-ing purposes

"I know that there's someone in San Francisco that has a spare portable boom box. Here's what I need it for:

It's summertime, or might as well be, which means that it's time for lovin'. I've brainstormed and realized that the most direct route to this is through music - specifically, through the music that will be coming from your portable boom box. Portable is the key, since I'll be using it to play very specific songs outside the windows of prospective friends/lovers.
Can you help me out? For the greater good?
Consider it,
Molly xxxxx"

I was unaware that the "boom box" was an apparatus that was still being used. Or desired! It seems so....so....breakdancing in 1983, you know? But upon further review, I've now realized that what this person meant by "prospective friends/lovers" is "those I will be stalking." Sort of like how "Portable is the key" really means "I'll need to grab it and run when I hear the cops coming."

*****And finally....well....I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried. Behold!

DRYER LINT

Ok, I know it sounds weird but I like to recycle dryer lint and use it to make faux paper mache, so if you live in RWC, you can collect a bag of Dryer lint and you want to help out a self representing artist make her paper mache E-mail me please =) don't toss it, I'll use it.
Thanks a bunch!
The picture is one of my projects that I used with lint =)

Yeah. I love craigslist.

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Random Thoughts du Jour

A few random thoughts....

There's going to be "Ocotmom - The Musical". I know, I know. People clearly have no shame. It's hard to say who is at a lower level, Octomom herself or the folks doing the musical. And according to bangstudio.com, the group putting on the shenanigans would be Cabaret Voltaire and they're currently looking for someone to play the role of OctoNutJob! Here's what they want:

Female, Mid 20’s - mid 30’s. Funny, whimsical, but not too charactery. (Not too charactery?! Have you SEEN her lately? OK, maybe I'm thinking cartoon charactery, but still.) She should be able to command authority, play broad range of facial expressions (expressions that will convey emotions such as "Eight?" "I'm not on welfare" and "I'm not a celebrity, but make sure you take pictures of my good side."), plus physical comedy. Sketch and improv experience a plus. Likable, energetic and at the same time able to be emotionally expressive and believable (and at the same time, un-believable). Can handle musical theatre and pop styles a plus. Actress who can move (including the ability to dodge questions left and right).

My only question is this: If you pay $20 to go see this thing, well....OK, I have two questions. The first one is: If you pay $20 to go see this thing, can I have all of the rest of your money? My second question is if you go to see this thing and you're in one of the front few rows, is it going to be like a Gallagher performance where everyone has to wear rain coats and plastic ponchos to protect themselves from flying debris?

Meanwhile, elsewhere in my brain.....

I've heard more than one news outlet report that the difficult economy is driving people to commit suicide. Really? Wow. I certainly hope I don't get that! That'd be horrible. I don't want to commit suicide! Oh, wait. That's right. I don't have to worry about that because it doesn't happen!
If...Paula...Ab...dul....could...stop....talking...in...such...a.halting....manner...it...

could...maybe...help..her....to....finish...a...com...plete...sentence....one...of...

these...days....But...even....if...she....could...speak...fluently....I....doubt....it....

would...help....her....make...more...sense. Seriously. Last night, she compared Adam Lambert to Michael Phelps. She said that every week "...it's like watching the Olympics and you're our Michael Phelps." Huh. Funny. I don't remember seeing Adam Lambert up there with a bong. Oh, wait. That's right. Paula probably had it.

Sunday on Celebrity Apprentice, Melissa Rivers, daughter of Joan, was fired by The Donald. Mother Joan didn't care for that too much and embarked on an amusing rant directed at Annie Duke and Brande Roderick. Among the myriad of insults that she hurled were gems such as, "I met your people in Las Vegas. None of them have last names. You’re a poker player. A poker player! That’s beyond white trash. Poker players are trash, darling, trash." Um, perhaps Joan is unaware that Annie Duke has won millions of dollars and a World Series of Poker bracelet playing poker. Not too many white trash folks can claim that. (Oh, she also compared her to Hitler. Again with the Hitler! Just to review, comparing Hitler and anyone else? NOT the same.)

Bonus Celebrity Apprentice: As Joan and her daughter, the newly ousted Melissa, were in the elevator (presumably to take them straight down to hell) as the doors were closing and in a show of excellent sportsmanship, not to mention CLASS, Melissa Rivers shouted, "Lying f**king whores." Huh. Apple. Tree. Stay classy, Rivers girls.

Meanwhile, over in New York, a 747 plane followed by two F-16 fighters did a flyby of downtown office buildings and the Statue of Liberty in Manhattan on Monday, sparking a panic amongst office workers (can you blame them?). Turns out there was no need to panic, it was just a White House photo-op in order to get pictures of Air Force One in front of some US landmarks. The problem was that no one was notified that this was going to be occurring, which accounted for the panicked deja vu reaction of practically everyone in the vicinity. And all of this at the low, low cost of only $328,835! First of all, I don't know who could possibly be so stupid that they would schedule this stunt and not tell anyone in New York about it. But aside from that, we live in the world of Photoshop. If you want pictures of Air Force One in front of the Statue of Liberty, then do it....from your computer! Cut and paste the Statue in the background and voila! Air Force One in front of the Statue of Liberty! Yep, your tax dollars hard at work, folks.

The swine flu thing is something to be concerned about, but I've learned that there's something to be even more concerned about. A different disease (not cancer) has killed 13,000 people in this country alone since January. So far, the swine flu has killed zero people in this country. The other disease? That's right...regular flu. Holy crap! The regular ol' flu kills around 36,000 people here in the US every year. That's like 100 people a day! Why aren't we talking about that ALL THE TIME?

A one Megan McAllister, the fiance of alleged Craigslist Killer, a one Philip Markoff, had been sticking to her belief/fantasy that his arrest had all been a terrible mistake and that he wasn't the one responsible for killing at least one woman and also for robbing at least one prostitute. She even issued a statement about a week ago denouncing the arrest and proclaiming that she still loved the guy and still planned to marry him in August. Now that's some loyalty right there. But lately, it seemed as if she was wavering on that loyalty. Hard to say what might have made her waver on that belief. Maybe it was the gun that they found inside of a hollowed out copy of Gray's Anatomy in his apartment. Perhaps the video surveillance tape with a guy on it that looks remarkably like Mr. Markoff. Or it could have been the victim's underwear that were also in his apartment. Regardless, the band that had been booked for their wedding is suddenly available on that date! Imagine! Of course, that still doesn't mean that she thinks he did it or anything. It just means that she's realized that he will likely be busy on that particular date and it would be best to wait until he has an opening in his calendar. Or an opening in the bars on the windows that he can crawl out of because that's going to be about the only way he'll be attending any wedding in the near future. Or in the far future.


I think that should do it for now. Cleared out a little space in my brain to make room for new and exciting bits of minutiae and mundane information. Stay tuned, won't ye?

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