Thursday, May 21, 2009

Something for Everyone on craigslist


I like craigslist. I mean, aside from the occasional hooker murder here and there, it's a pretty good deal. People make some strange posts sometimes. I've noticed that the stranger the post, the funnier it is. I'm not sure why, but I think it's because most of the time, the person who wrote the post seems so sincere. They're not trying to be funny. They probably don't think of themselves as a strange ranger. Little do they know that they are funny and they're some of the stranger rangers out there in Internet land.

Found this one in the personals. It seems to back up my theory that no matter what you're into, no matter what you're looking for, the Internet will lead you to another person with your same tastes in whatever. Decor, entertainment, leather-y undergarments, goats wearing berets, whatever. If you have the Internet, you can find other members of your tribe with the greatest of ease. Check out what this wants:

Want to get arrested for public intoxication experience SF jail - 45 (glen park)

Is it posible to get arrested for public intoxication in the city. I have been to all bay area jails except San Francisco county. I have been to Blain Street in Santa Cruz for almost a year. They made me the jail cook becuase I am a chef and cooked in the coast guard. I went to coulinary school in San Francisco and they sent me to Blain street women's jail. They loved my cooking. I would like to spend several days or just do weekends for a while. I like the jail snail. I enjoy getting drunk and do not mind being around a group of drunk women. I hear they have a section for gay women and it is a real party their. I also look good in orange and I do not mind wearing cottons panties for a while. We could also become friends and yo can visit me at the jail. This visit will probably be behind glass but that is okay maybe you can take a picture and we can laugh about it later. Please send your ideas on how to get thrown in jail safely and just for a little bit. Hit me up and we could meet for drinks. I love eating at Frisca I am half latina and half white. about 5.7 and 160 pounds. I do work out. Light brown hair and eyes. I would love to get arrested for public intoxication and get brought to jail in the paddy wagon. I think I would like riding in the paddy wagon. I know I enjoy riding in the jail bus. Please help, this could be the start of a great friendship or you could join me. The more the marrier. If they put us with other Lesbians this would be a real party. Take Care and see you in the visiting room hopefully.
Sharon"

Wow. Well, I suppose it's good to have goals, yes? No? Yeah, hard to say.

*****
Here we have an ad that is seemingly normal. Just some guy wanting to unload a TV. Until you get to the last 2 sentences. Then things start to get a little weird.

FREE Sony Trinitron 32" TV

FREE Sony Trinitron 32” TV model KV-32S12. Works fine with good picture and sound. The power button on the front panel doesn’t have any effect, but the remote turns it on and off fine. The remote is not the original Sony one, but it does control the basic functions. You can also program many universal remotes to control a Sony TV like this one.

This unit is fairly heavy (70 pounds), so you’ll need help moving it, but I can help you load it into your truck, SUV, or minivan when you pick it up.

Pick up afternoons after 2pm or evenings. (Oh yeah, no flake-olahs, please!)

Does anyone need a T.V.? It's heavy, but, hey, the price is right, right? Just gas and your afternoon. I know, I hate driving to places and picking stuff up too. Wastes your whole day. Please take beige loveseat as well. I'll help load both. Oh, and must take a bag of candy. Need to unload the stuff. Greedy wife bought too many bags of it. "

What the heck is that all about? A bag of candy? What kind of candy? And it doesn't sound like your wife is greedy, it sounds like she's hungry and it kind of sounds like she might have some sort of hoarding disorder. And what if I don't want the loveseat? He makes it pretty clear that taking a bag of candy is non-negotiable, but is the couch part of the deal as well? Has sort of a bait-and-switch feel to it. Though I do like how he specifies the different kinds of vehicles that you might be able to drive in order to pick up the TV. Thanks for that, sir, but you're not going to trick me into bringing a vehicle that's big enough to ft the TV and your damned beige loveseat.
*****
The owners of the plants below seem to think that you need to know about their own personal relationship with the plants before you decide whether or not you want them.

Some GREAT PLANTS!!

"Come and get them!!! African Iris that we called Japanese Iris for a year. About 3 feet high and will bloom with delicate white with purple flower. This is a plant that needs no attention to grow.
Pick them up at the telephone pole at the beginning of our drive way. No need to check with us. xxxx Tulare Ave., Richmond."

Huh. "Needs no attention to grow" and is outside next to a telephone pole, yet it is somehow important that they get rid of the Japanese African iris that they've had for over a year. Why not just leave it there? Why the ad on craigslist?

*****
Apparently, innovation during a recession involves making your own paper out of...paper, that is correct! Behold!

Used Paper - great for making handmade paper

"I have a whole bunch of used paper that has come out of business sales binders. The colors are light blue, purple, green and white - all have been printed on. This would be great if you like to make handmade recycled paper using a wood frame and screen technique. I need this out today or I'm tossing it it tonight.

Pick up in Pleasanton across from Hospital - TODAY ONLY!
"

I will totally admit to being curious as to the "wood frame and screen technique" for making paper out of paper. It seems so much more complicated than just letting the paper be paper without the whole frame and screen process.

*****
If all else fails, use your mother. Mother Earth, that is, to help you get rid of some stuff in your yard or farm or whatever it is. And use your Mother Earth in just the same way that your own mother would try to get you to do things. With a guilt trip.

Help your mother!

Lots of tires, all different sizes and conditions. Some good some not so.
You can pick and chose which tires you want to take home but if you take them all your carbon foot print will be something to behold.
Make a good swings or maybe they will fit your VW Bus.
Can be made into sandals, planter boxes, driveway boarders who knows but we got them if you want them.
If you don't come and take them we have to take them to the land fill, the earth needs you to save it from this fate.
Think of something! We must save Mother Earth (aka: MOM-E) from the dumped old tires, it is up to you.
Come and get them, put you heart into it "I know you can doooo it!"
Save the Planet one tire at a time!!!
Take the tires and I will throw in two (count them) two mail boxes on a wood base and some old plywood too.
Think of it you can recycle wood, mail boxes and dozens of old tires. MOM-E will give you a big sloppy kiss, where you need it most!
Hey! Is that flag up on the mail box? I bet there is mail waiting for you, maybe MOM-E has sent you a thank you note! "


Who are these people who are making sandals out of old tires? Let me rephrase that. Who are these people who have money for a computer and are making sandals out of old tires? It took me a minute to figure out that 'boarders' weren't folks who would rent your driveway space from you as a place to live, but rather the 'borders' that go along the sides. See? Spelling is important. I'm also thinking that this guy might be the same guy with the TV who wanted to pawn off his loveseat as well because here he thinks that it would make perfect sense that someone who wants a bunch of old tires for sandal making would also want a couple of mail boxes and some old plywood to boot!

*****
And now...the wanted section. People want a lot of things. And apparently, people don't care how ridiculous they sound if they think that whatever they're saying will get them what they want. Like the post below. Sure, it's a little dramatic, but I'd be interested to know if this ends up working for this guy. After all, he might starve!

only seriously rich apply.

i need a grant for $ 10,000 to pay off student loans. and apply for grad school. i work full time and study costs keep rising. might starve if i don't get grant soon.
deposit to paypal e-mail RajitRavicha@earthlink.net "

Yes, because the last time I checked, the number of grad students in the United States that actually starved to death last year was phenomenally high. Yeah, good luck with that.
*****
Some folks only have one minor little obstacle standing in their way which is keeping them from getting what it is that they want. Like the poster below. However the 'only thing' standing in her way is kind of a major thing, considering the ambition. It is also hil-arious.

14 yr old want to be pro photographer

"my 14 yr old wants to become a professional photographer and the only thing standing in her way currently is the fact that she doesn't have a decent digital camera she can use and I can't afford to buy her one. if you are a photographer, and have an old, working, digital camera, capable of taking quality photos, unlike snapshots or phone cams do,
we would love to put it to good use. thanks for reading this posting and God Bless :) "


And I want to be a professional tennis player, but the only thing standing in my way is that I don't know how to play tennis, I don't have a racket, I don't have a ball and I don't have anywhere to play. I do, however, have a nice pair of white shorts which I will wear when I am a professional tennis player.

*****
As I am a big fan of the woo-ing process, I was just happy to read in the post below that it wasn't a lost art. Hey, at least the person is planning ahead for how they're going to spend the summer!

Wanted: Boom box for woo-ing purposes

"I know that there's someone in San Francisco that has a spare portable boom box. Here's what I need it for:

It's summertime, or might as well be, which means that it's time for lovin'. I've brainstormed and realized that the most direct route to this is through music - specifically, through the music that will be coming from your portable boom box. Portable is the key, since I'll be using it to play very specific songs outside the windows of prospective friends/lovers.
Can you help me out? For the greater good?
Consider it,
Molly xxxxx"

I was unaware that the "boom box" was an apparatus that was still being used. Or desired! It seems so....so....breakdancing in 1983, you know? But upon further review, I've now realized that what this person meant by "prospective friends/lovers" is "those I will be stalking." Sort of like how "Portable is the key" really means "I'll need to grab it and run when I hear the cops coming."

*****
And finally....well....I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried. Behold!

DRYER LINT

Ok, I know it sounds weird but I like to recycle dryer lint and use it to make faux paper mache, so if you live in RWC, you can collect a bag of Dryer lint and you want to help out a self representing artist make her paper mache E-mail me please =) don't toss it, I'll use it.
Thanks a bunch!
The picture is one of my projects that I used with lint =)


Yeah. I love craigslist.



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