Thursday, May 14, 2009

Confusing Confucius

It took a while, but finally, finally there is some competition for Miss South Carolina Teen USA contestant and subsequent non-winner, know, I have no idea what that chick's name is. But this is exactly the sort of thing that the Internet is for.(God bless those Google boys!) Thus I can now insert the name Lauren Caitlin Upton and continue by saying that I think she is now officially a pioneer who has paved the way for future beauty pageant contestants to give completely ridiculous answers to the, I have no idea what that question-y part of the pageant is called! But again, saved by the Google boys, I now know it's called either the interview portion or the personality portion. Hard to say which one is used when, but I'm sure there's some complicated formula that none of the contestants would be able to figure out (ie, draw it out of a hat).

Whose idea was this and where do they get their questions? Why do I need to know about what opinion or opinions a Miss Eyecandy contestant holds about US foreign policy, starvation in foreign lands, kittens and puppies, world peace and such as The Iraq? It's not like it's going to play a huge role in the year that she will spend as Miss Hotbabe as she is fulfilling her duties by appearing at the grand openings of banks and grocery stores, sporting a ridiculously large pair of scissors and cutting ribbons. She's a Rent-A-Hottie, why do I need to know her stance on Darfur? (Provided, of course, that her 'stance on Darfur' is referring to the country and not to some dude named Darfur.)

Now, as you may recall (and why wouldn't you, as it is hil-arious) Miss South Carolina was 'competing' in the Miss Teen USA Pageant and when it was her turn at the question-y part, she was given this stumper: "Recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans can't locate the United States on a world map. Why do you think this is?" Well, the reason that she thought that "this is" was rather, um, let's just say, it was complex.

"I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some, people out there in our nation don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as, uh, South Africa and, uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and, I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, or, uh, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future, for our children."

If that isn't something that needs a follow up question, I don't know what is! It would be a brief follow up question if I was doing all the asking! "Um, WTF was that?" (And actually, for some reason, she was given a do-over on the Today Show with Matt Lauer (who should really be asking any question with his shirt off. Have you seen this man shirtless? If you had then you'd agree that Matt Lauer being required to be shirtless should apply to any form of speech he's uttering!) and these were her do-over words of wisdom:"Well personally, my friends and I, we know exactly where the United States is on our map. I don't know anyone else who doesn't. And if the statistics are correct, I believe that there should be more emphasis on geography in our education so people will know how to read maps better." Eh. At least she didn't say "such as, the friends".)

So she's the ground breaker, she's the leader, she's the Pied Piper of all future pageant contestants who stumble their way through a question that almost certainly will have zero confuddling elements to it whatsoever. Take a contestant, a one Giosue Cozzarelli, competing in the Miss Panama Pageant, for example. Please. Take her. Far, far away. And take the question that she was asked also. According to Right Celebrity, her task was " explain a Confucius quote she (had been given, which) read: “Learning without thought is labor lost.” OK, I think most folks could noodle their way through that one fairly quickly. Did I say quickly? I meant accurately. Most folks could noodle their way through that one fairly accurately. Did I say accurately? And I was speaking of the Miss Panama contestant? Yeah, I didn't mean accurately. I meant hilariously.

"Good evening, Panama! Confucius was one of whom invented confusion. And that's of the most ancient his was one of the Chinese Japanese who were one of the most ancient. Thank you!"

Wait. Wait! Thank you for what?! You didn't say anything!! He invented confusion? No, sweetie, you just invented confusion with that answer you just gave! What the hell was that? I know you think you can pull that stuff off on other people, but your audience there actually speaks Spanish! They know what you said and now so do we! The video of this debacle is below.

Yeah, I'm still confused. Thanks to Confucius (apparently)! A couple of things I wanted to point out. One, she sure does look rather proud of herself when words finally finish spewing out of her mouth. I think she must be happy that she didn't hear a gong and that there wasn't a trap door underneath her. I was a little disappointed by that, but I'll be she was thrilled.

Second, it would seem that beauty pageants in Panama are a bit different than those in the United States (or the Universe, according to some pageants) when it comes to the apparel that they wear. She has on a T-shirt and pair of running pants? Slacks? All I know is that it's very casual and very non-pageant-y. Did she think that this was the rehearsal? Let's compare her to the newly allowed to keep her crown Miss California, shall we? Behold!

See, they're a little different. But really, after an answer like "Confucius invented confusion", probably the attire that they're wearing over there in Panama is the least of their worries.

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1 comment:

Past Expiry said...

Confucius saying about engagement rings...