Tuesday, May 5, 2009

No Hard Feelings

All I have to say is, in these troubled times, God bless the New York Post guys. All right, that's not all I have to say. But it's a good start considering that we're almost to the 16 year anniversary of the night when a one Lorena Bobbitt, described by the NY Post as an "unrepentant amateur surgeon", severed her then-husband John Wayne Bobbitt's manhood with a large kitchen knife. Time flies, don't it?
Lorena the Lopper (that's what I call her) was 24 at the time. Clearly old enough to know better. No one wants their manhood de-manned, as it were. Even those of us without manhood don't want it de-manned. Was that really necessary?

According to her, the schlong slicing was provoked after he had returned home extremely drunk after a night of partying and then did proceed to rape her. In which case the real tragedy here is that she didn't cut the whole damn thing off and throw in the the garbage disposal.

She recalls, "I remember driving with his severed penis in my hand, and in my other hand, I had the knife." Yep. That sounds exactly like something that someone would absolutely remember! It would definitely be hard to forget having...that in your hand and there not being a man attached to it at the time.

She doesn't remember everything though because she says, "I didn't even know how I got into the car, and apparently, I had to toss it somewhere because I couldn't turn the wheel of my car, so I got rid of the thing . . . Then I learned at the hospital later on that it was his penis." I guess she felt the need to hang onto that thing personally, thus all of the difficulty with the turning and such. You'd think that she could just throw it in the glove box or strap it into the seat next to her (Buckle up! Click it or ticket!). But wait, that couldn't have been the problem because she threw it out the window (in what must have been seen as the ultimate act of disrespect. Next to the penis severing itself, of course)..

But hey, time heals all wounds, right? Well, some. The separated unit was reunited with it's rightful owner and successfully reattached (though it did appear to have a 'knuckle' afterwards. Eww. Allegedly.). And according to an archived article over there at The New York Times "Mr. Bobbitt is one of only half a dozen Americans known to have had a severed penis successfully reattached. (One Wisconsin man who lost his in a 1989 lawn-mower accident had it grafted onto his forearm as a kind of stopgap measure until it could be returned to its rightful place.)" Holycrapholycrapholycrap!!! WHAT?!?!

Grafted to his forearm?? Lawnmower accident?! How in the hell does one have a lawnmower accident that involves one's penis? That is not an approved 'manscaping' method, I'm fairly certain of that! And the guy had it grafted (which, until it's un-grafted is rather permanent) to his forearm?! Not his upper-arm, where it would be easy to conceal! Oh, no! No, they had to stick it directly on the forearm so it would be incredibly hard to miss! Might as just as well have put it on his forehead! What year was this 1687? What?! 1989?? Clearly a bad year to have your schlong shlopped off. I've heard of scientists growing things like ears on the backs of mice, which is also quite strange, I'm not trying to imply that it isn't! But having your groin-age on your forearm is just beyond my ability to comprehend. That's mainly because a) I don't even have one and b) even if I did, I couldn't imagine having it attached to my arm. And since guys love the thing so much, that would be the epitome of wearing one's heart on one's sleeve, wouldn't it? I think it would.

OK, so now that's all I can think about! Back on track! Back. On. Track. So, she throws it out the window (of her Mercury Capri. Yes. A news article felt the need to include the kind of car that she drove off in with the severed unit still in her hand. Why that has any relevance at all is beyond me. Now if she had fled the scene in the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile, that might have had some relevance in a strange, rather ironic way, but relevant none the less.), but I haven't been able to find how it was found!

Can you imagine? You're walking out of the 7-11 with your twelve pack of Schlitz or PBR (Oh, what?! Like they're not a little white trash-y? Puh-lease. Mercury Capri? Severed penis? It all just screams 'white trash'. Well, Mr. Bobbitt just screamed.) and you're about to jump in through the driver's side window of your car and...."Hey.....What's that over there?" But then what? You whip out a Ziploc bag and toss it in? I don't get that and it wasn't explained very well anywhere either. (Damn mainstream media. At least now I have a time frame as to when things started going downhill for the press. "Mainstream Media: Sucking since at least 1994!")

Both of these lunatics were charged with crimes; him with marital sexual assault and her with malicious wounding, an understatement if there ever was one. And just to add to all of the wackiness, both of these lunatics were found not guilty; he was found just plain ol' 'not guilty', but she was found 'not guilty by reason of temporary insanity' and spent 45 days being evaluated in a psychiatric facility. She was released after 45 days, reaffirming the 'temporary' part of that verdict.

So why all of the Bobbitt hoopla? Because they are "re-uniting" for the first time since the unfortunate incident on the TV-show The Insider, of course. The Insider is billing it as the "Shocking Bobbitt Reunion" which doesn't show nearly the creativity of the folks over there at The NY Post, that's for sure. They could have gone with "The tension is so thick between the Bobbitts that you could cut it with a knife, on the next episode of The Insider." Or "Does time really heal old wounds? Find out on the next...." You get the point. The Insider clearly did not. Shocking? She didn't Taser his grundle, why use the word 'shocking'. These folks are obviously dysfunctional (probably in more ways than one in his case). Who would be 'shocked' (just shocked!) that they would agree to do an 'interview', most likely for a fee, together? No one. No one at all.

The clips that they're running to 'entice viewers' have a shot that is a close-up of Lorena as she looks into the camera and deadpans, "I severed my husband's manhood." Yeah, yeah. We know. Shouldn't you have gone away by now? Seems like you should have. Yet you're still here and you're talking! Odd. Very odd.

I was trying to decide whether or not to include a pic of the actual severed unit. They showed it in court! But this isn't court. Far from. Granted, I'm judgmental, but that doesn't make it court. Anyway, if you feel the urge (or have the hiccups and would like to try scaring them away) you can click here and you'll be whisked away to a full color photo of the wayward unit. Lucky you! And you only had to wait sixteen years to see it! Not bad! The photo, however, kind of is. Bad that is. Men, I wouldn't recommend it. You've been warned.

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