Jacko in the Wild

It's getting awfully close to July when Michael Jackson will kick off his concerts in London! Naturally (or unnaturally, as is the case with Jacko), questions abound. Will he have a new face? Will he be black again? So many questions. I'd really like it if the guy still had it, if he can still sing and can still move, that would be awesome. But from what I've seen of him over the past few years (which has, thankfully, been very little), I wouldn't be surprised if a) at least one concert was cancelled and b) if it isn't just some big lip-sync show with MAYBE some dancing thrown in. Seriously, are you going to tell me that the individual in this picture:

is going to show up and dance and sing like Michael Jackson in his heyday? I don't think so. But he was out shopping in LA the other day. I'm guessing to pick up a few things before he goes to London, perhaps. Maybe spend a little quality time out shopping with the kids. (You know, I've gotta tell ya, I always do a bit of a double take whenever his kids are mentioned. It's like, "Oh, yeah. That's right. He has kids." Yikes.) Now I don't know if it was either of those things, but I do know one thing that it was. It was weird. Behold!


Ah, yes, a family portrait of middle America. Or not. Granted, with the swine flu craze that's been sweeping the nation, he doesn't look all that out of place with that surgical mask on. Oh, he's still a certifiable freak show, but I've seen so many pictures of softheads wearing masks to protect them from....oh, that's right....they don't know if they protect anyone from anything. Never mind.

But the point is that he was wearing the mask first and now a bunch of other people are wearing the mask (regardless of the reasons, because they're both non-sensical...whatever they are), it's like he's the trendsetter that he used to be back in the days of yore. But there are some areas in the fashion arena in which he is NOT setting many trends. Like his fashion sense as expressed by the outfit that he wore the other day when he went out shopping. Not a trend! Behold!


Yeah, ya blend. Huh. Hard to imagine that something like that shown above could make something like this seem normal:

I realize that the guy needs crazy security and all of those precautions when he goes out in public. But wouldn't it be a lot easier if he didn't make himself so damned easy to recognize? That's the thing about trying to come up with a disguise there, Mike. It's supposed to be so that people DON'T know who you are. You do it in the reverse where your disguise allows EVERYONE to know who you are. During this outing, he had his three children with him. I believe there are two boys and one girl. It's hard to tell when two of them have the same name (Prince Michael) and when the youngest one is called Blanket. How can you tell who is Blanket, who is little Dust Ruffle and who is Pillowcase when they look like they attend a private school in the middle of Mardi Gras? Wow.

Yeah, those masks aren't going to do them much good if they're using them as a defense against the swine flu. Normally I'd say that there was no way that's what they were intending them to be used for, but as you can clearly see, there isn't much normal going on here. Nope. Not much at all. Including the purchases. Behold!

Yes, that appears to be the upper torso of a heavily tattooed male mannequin. And while it seems weird (and it IS), it's not all that different from the rest of Michael's possessions or home decor or even in his decorating tastes. It fits right in if you think of that. Look at some of the wax figures that he owns. Tell me that they don't make Torso Tat Man there seem normal! (Warning: These wax likenesses are creepy looking. They freaked me out just a little bit.) Behold! Oddity!

What is with the two wax little girls from hell? There's not much explaining any of it, really. And again, it's not much different from other things that he owns. Explain this:

You know, when I want a surge protector, I've often wished that I could get one that's being held by an almost upside down life-size Peter Pan figure. Where does one GET something like that? I'VE never seen one during the times that I've ventured out in public. I don't imagine you have either! Seriously though, who even THINKS of that? I've never thought of my surge protector being anything other than a surge protector. Sure, I've wanted a different design that would allow all different sized plugs without wasting any of the outlets, but I've never thought about having it held at the ready by any sort of figure real or fictional! It's not like Peter Pan was about electricity! Or protection from surges! It was about NONE of those things! So what's the connection? Oh, right. The crazy. Got it.

Here we have what appears to be some sort of sparkly bust of MJ. It kind of gives you an idea of what the offspring would look like that was spawned from a union between Michael Jackson and C-3PO.

He has a replica of the Twin Towers. I don't know why. There is a little brass placard in the front of it with writing on it, but I can't make out what it says. It looks like it says "September 22" at the top of it, but that can't be right. Well, it can't be RIGHT, but it can be possible that is what it says. It belongs to Michael Jackson, after all. Anything is possible.

Anything and including things that I don't know what they are. What the hell is this? Behold!

I can't imagine what it's for or what it is. It's obviously a replica of Michael Jackson who seems to be part Stormtrooper as well as a Sheriff, as indicated by the badge on his chest. It has the look of one of those old timey gas pumps and one of those machines at a fair to test your strength. And if I wasn't afraid to think so, I'd think that the 'throne' that he's sitting on is actually 'a throne'! Can't go there. Must...find...other...bizarre...things to look at. Behold!

That is my favorite crazy-ass painting of all time. It's as if he only had enough money to get ONE painting done and so he just had them paint it with everything that he was originally going to have painted in separate paintings. Again, he is part Stormtrooper (with a lace collar, naturally) or a knight and is all draped in what I'm sure is a velour wrap of some sort and is holding a sword with a golden bird (seemingly a parrot) atop it, just like you'd expect. From left to right, there's a monster tree, a unicorn, an odd face in the background and then a crazy eyed alligator. Going down from the alligator we have a child from another land with a haloed crown of thorns above his head. To the right of him is, of course, a deer and the space shuttle. Then there's the chimp that is either communicating by telepathy or has the ability to talk. I'm not sure which. I can't make out the words and I'm not sure that I want to, really.

I'll bet Torso Tat Man doesn't seem so strange now, does he? But Michael seems almost stranger. Hmmm. Odd how that worked out. All I know is that I worry about those kids. What kind of a life are they living over there with Jacko? Are they being schooled? Do they think that their life is normal? What is their habitat? What do they feed their young? Questions, questions, questions.

Actually, I take it back. Even with the swine flu and a few softheads wearing facial masks, Michael still is far from normal looking or acting. Perhaps someone could mention to him that the flamboyant peacock masks for his children to wear in public is...well....too eccentric to make it acceptable, let's just put it that way. I'm sure we'll see plenty more of him out in the world, shopping for God only knows what, in the near future. I'm sure that it won't be long before he too is sporting the peacock mask. And as shallow as it may seem, if the man (?) can still sing and dance like the Michael of the 80s, I don't care if he walks around town dressed like one of the Rockettes (since he seems rather fond of feathers). Do whatever you want and we'll ignore it, but only as long as we know that the crazy hasn't taken away all of your talent.

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