Just Some Stuff

How about just a post about some random things? Yes? Good. Let's start with when I Googled "put Christ back in Christmas" and ended up with this:

Went to Walmart today and saw these. Now, they might be a lot of things, but barely there is not one of them.

The neighbor down the street has gone full retard this Yuletide season. Thank God that he's actually around the bend, otherwise I think I'd have a hard time falling asleep.

My friend sent me this picture that he snapped when passing by the Occupy Santa Cruz gathering. He said it appeared to be about 20 of your typical Santa Cruz hippie type just hanging out amidst the very strong aroma of marijuana.

Also from Santa Cruz, this poster asking for help in locating a missing key to a BMW. If he would only reword his poster, it would really help me give half a crap.

Am I the only one that sees a smiling woman with wild hair driving on this lamp? I noticed it the other day and now I can't unsee it.

Then there was this at a grocery store the other day. I cannot even imagine the sound that thing made as she dragged it all over the store. You'd think that would have tipped her off that it wasn't for personal use.

And finally, if you have to set a mousetrap, you might want to check it often. That's because mice, apparently, don't give an eff. I mean, in this case, they actually do, but they really don't.

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Happy Birthday, My Friend

On occasion, I use this blog as a podium for some personal prenouncements. The ol' PPP. Or P-cubed, if you'd prefer. In case you haven't guessed, this is one of those occasions.

I need to say Happy Birthday to my most excellent friend. Folks, listen up. When I say that this is the kind of person whom you should model your friendships after, I mean it. She's awesome.

I find that it's difficult to meet individuals who are actually real, who are actually genuine. People who don't really have anything to hide and are pretty much OK with laying it all out in front of them are hard for me to come by. That's not to say that I don't encounter people like that, but it's to say that it's rare. At least it's rare for me. Then again, I don't get out much. (Such a pain to raise and lower the drawbridge to cross the moat which encircles my walled off compound which protects me from society.)

But in my friend, I have truly met the most genuine individual I've ever known in my life. It's what makes our friendship easy as hell. It's also probably what makes it hard as hell sometimes (though I tend to make my own contributions on both fronts there as well), but the hard parts are far less frequent that the times that are easy.

Anyway, today is her birthday and I have to tell her Happy Birthday, so here goes:

Hey. You. I hope you enjoy your booty-filled bounty (or is it bounty-filled booty?) and that you'll be able to put it all to good use and that you'll be mixing things up real soon! Thank you so much for being such a good friend. You rule at being you. Happy Birthday. Dude.

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Jacko in the Wild

It's getting awfully close to July when Michael Jackson will kick off his concerts in London! Naturally (or unnaturally, as is the case with Jacko), questions abound. Will he have a new face? Will he be black again? So many questions. I'd really like it if the guy still had it, if he can still sing and can still move, that would be awesome. But from what I've seen of him over the past few years (which has, thankfully, been very little), I wouldn't be surprised if a) at least one concert was cancelled and b) if it isn't just some big lip-sync show with MAYBE some dancing thrown in. Seriously, are you going to tell me that the individual in this picture:

is going to show up and dance and sing like Michael Jackson in his heyday? I don't think so. But he was out shopping in LA the other day. I'm guessing to pick up a few things before he goes to London, perhaps. Maybe spend a little quality time out shopping with the kids. (You know, I've gotta tell ya, I always do a bit of a double take whenever his kids are mentioned. It's like, "Oh, yeah. That's right. He has kids." Yikes.) Now I don't know if it was either of those things, but I do know one thing that it was. It was weird. Behold!


Ah, yes, a family portrait of middle America. Or not. Granted, with the swine flu craze that's been sweeping the nation, he doesn't look all that out of place with that surgical mask on. Oh, he's still a certifiable freak show, but I've seen so many pictures of softheads wearing masks to protect them from....oh, that's right....they don't know if they protect anyone from anything. Never mind.

But the point is that he was wearing the mask first and now a bunch of other people are wearing the mask (regardless of the reasons, because they're both non-sensical...whatever they are), it's like he's the trendsetter that he used to be back in the days of yore. But there are some areas in the fashion arena in which he is NOT setting many trends. Like his fashion sense as expressed by the outfit that he wore the other day when he went out shopping. Not a trend! Behold!


Yeah, ya blend. Huh. Hard to imagine that something like that shown above could make something like this seem normal:

I realize that the guy needs crazy security and all of those precautions when he goes out in public. But wouldn't it be a lot easier if he didn't make himself so damned easy to recognize? That's the thing about trying to come up with a disguise there, Mike. It's supposed to be so that people DON'T know who you are. You do it in the reverse where your disguise allows EVERYONE to know who you are. During this outing, he had his three children with him. I believe there are two boys and one girl. It's hard to tell when two of them have the same name (Prince Michael) and when the youngest one is called Blanket. How can you tell who is Blanket, who is little Dust Ruffle and who is Pillowcase when they look like they attend a private school in the middle of Mardi Gras? Wow.

Yeah, those masks aren't going to do them much good if they're using them as a defense against the swine flu. Normally I'd say that there was no way that's what they were intending them to be used for, but as you can clearly see, there isn't much normal going on here. Nope. Not much at all. Including the purchases. Behold!

Yes, that appears to be the upper torso of a heavily tattooed male mannequin. And while it seems weird (and it IS), it's not all that different from the rest of Michael's possessions or home decor or even in his decorating tastes. It fits right in if you think of that. Look at some of the wax figures that he owns. Tell me that they don't make Torso Tat Man there seem normal! (Warning: These wax likenesses are creepy looking. They freaked me out just a little bit.) Behold! Oddity!

What is with the two wax little girls from hell? There's not much explaining any of it, really. And again, it's not much different from other things that he owns. Explain this:

You know, when I want a surge protector, I've often wished that I could get one that's being held by an almost upside down life-size Peter Pan figure. Where does one GET something like that? I'VE never seen one during the times that I've ventured out in public. I don't imagine you have either! Seriously though, who even THINKS of that? I've never thought of my surge protector being anything other than a surge protector. Sure, I've wanted a different design that would allow all different sized plugs without wasting any of the outlets, but I've never thought about having it held at the ready by any sort of figure real or fictional! It's not like Peter Pan was about electricity! Or protection from surges! It was about NONE of those things! So what's the connection? Oh, right. The crazy. Got it.

Here we have what appears to be some sort of sparkly bust of MJ. It kind of gives you an idea of what the offspring would look like that was spawned from a union between Michael Jackson and C-3PO.

He has a replica of the Twin Towers. I don't know why. There is a little brass placard in the front of it with writing on it, but I can't make out what it says. It looks like it says "September 22" at the top of it, but that can't be right. Well, it can't be RIGHT, but it can be possible that is what it says. It belongs to Michael Jackson, after all. Anything is possible.

Anything and including things that I don't know what they are. What the hell is this? Behold!

I can't imagine what it's for or what it is. It's obviously a replica of Michael Jackson who seems to be part Stormtrooper as well as a Sheriff, as indicated by the badge on his chest. It has the look of one of those old timey gas pumps and one of those machines at a fair to test your strength. And if I wasn't afraid to think so, I'd think that the 'throne' that he's sitting on is actually 'a throne'! Can't go there. Must...find...other...bizarre...things to look at. Behold!

That is my favorite crazy-ass painting of all time. It's as if he only had enough money to get ONE painting done and so he just had them paint it with everything that he was originally going to have painted in separate paintings. Again, he is part Stormtrooper (with a lace collar, naturally) or a knight and is all draped in what I'm sure is a velour wrap of some sort and is holding a sword with a golden bird (seemingly a parrot) atop it, just like you'd expect. From left to right, there's a monster tree, a unicorn, an odd face in the background and then a crazy eyed alligator. Going down from the alligator we have a child from another land with a haloed crown of thorns above his head. To the right of him is, of course, a deer and the space shuttle. Then there's the chimp that is either communicating by telepathy or has the ability to talk. I'm not sure which. I can't make out the words and I'm not sure that I want to, really.

I'll bet Torso Tat Man doesn't seem so strange now, does he? But Michael seems almost stranger. Hmmm. Odd how that worked out. All I know is that I worry about those kids. What kind of a life are they living over there with Jacko? Are they being schooled? Do they think that their life is normal? What is their habitat? What do they feed their young? Questions, questions, questions.

Actually, I take it back. Even with the swine flu and a few softheads wearing facial masks, Michael still is far from normal looking or acting. Perhaps someone could mention to him that the flamboyant peacock masks for his children to wear in public is...well....too eccentric to make it acceptable, let's just put it that way. I'm sure we'll see plenty more of him out in the world, shopping for God only knows what, in the near future. I'm sure that it won't be long before he too is sporting the peacock mask. And as shallow as it may seem, if the man (?) can still sing and dance like the Michael of the 80s, I don't care if he walks around town dressed like one of the Rockettes (since he seems rather fond of feathers). Do whatever you want and we'll ignore it, but only as long as we know that the crazy hasn't taken away all of your talent.

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Amusing Crap That Will Destroy Our Planet

Recently, I've been made aware that there really is too much waste on this planet. It's not like I didn't have some sort of an idea that there was a whole bunch of stuff that gets thrown out every second of every day that is taking up valuable space on the earth. I knew that. I just hadn't fully grasped the magnitude until lately. There's too much stuff and we don't need to keep churning out more, especially if that which is churned out is useless. We definitely don't need more of that. And I found a website that has a bunch of useless crap that is eventually going to end up inundating the landfills and (in all likelihood) the oceans and that's unfortunate. What's even more unfortunate is that the stuff on this website is such crap that I found it amusing.

The site is J-List and it's freaking weird. It's Japanese, but the site is in English. And to the credit of whoever is responsible for the site, they have gone to great lengths to be all inclusive, not only with their products (aka, crap), but also with their descriptions of said products. Lengthy they are. And detailed! Sometimes, with too much detail. The thing with the Japanese is that they never do anything half-ass. Everything there that is popular isn't just popular, it's a crazed craze. It's like everything is a "must have" and if you don't "have" it, you "must" and soon! The Japanese also seem to figure that if a certain item is popular, then an item that is kind of like that item (but not really) will be popular as well. That's when they take their life savings and pour it into that item, only to find out it's ridiculous and worthless and that they never liked the item that was the popular one in the first place.

But here was what I was greeted with today when I stumbled over there (and really, for no apparent reason is this there):

Oh, what the hell is that?! Well, to their credit, they're talking about not being wasteful. After all, Mottainai "essentially means "What a waste!" But their website is just chock full of such utterly cheap and ridiculous crap that no one really needs, it's hard to take them seriously. (That, of course, is my biggest complaint about all of this "going green" stuff. Any entity can make a "green" claim and no one cares if they are or not and there aren't a whole lot of regulations to determine if they are or not. As long as people can believe they're doing good, they don't care if they really aren't, just as long as they think they are.)

And then for no apparent reason, it delves off down this path: "Japan's toilet culture is quite unique, especially when you're coming from the outside. First, there are two types of toilets here, standard Western units you're familiar with -- they come in normal, butt warming and butt washing types -- and washiki or Japanese-style, which you squat over to use." Good Lord, make it stop!! After that it takes off on the expected tangent...that of Hillary Clinton's impending visit to Japan and whether or not she will bring Valentine's Day chocolates for Prime Minister Aso. (Is that really his name? Aso? You know...um...that kinda sounds like "Prime Minister A-Hole", doncha think? It does a little, huh? Hmm. Poor choice. Moving on!)

I knew I'd likely find an enormous selection of craptastic products when I saw that the product list on the top site banner read: "Hentai Manga, Japan Kit Kat, Tenga Adult Toys". Now that's quite the variety of stuff right there. (By the way, the Japan Kit Kat? Yeah, they're strawberry! What is that about?! I don't want a strawberry Kit Kat! OK, well, I kinda do, just to try it, though! But just one!) But I was not expecting this. Behold!

Oh, what the hell is that? That is the Nagomin Body Sponger -- with Long String. Apparently the "long string" is a selling point because we all know how hard a long string is to come by these days, what with the recession and all. (Hard times, hard times.) For more information, this description is included: Japanese bath products are far and wide some of the most interesting in the world. This new, umm -- sponge-on-a-rope is great for washing those hard to reach spots, without the hard scrubbing of a long brush. This one even has a cute face on it, so it seems to enjoy the washing up as much as you do! Has a long thick string tied to both sides and is very absorbent with a soft plush material. It seems to enjoy it as much as I do?? I'm not so sure inanimate objects are capable of that sort of enjoyment, but if they were, I don't think I'd be using that product in the shower. Anywhere, really, but especially in the shower. Little perverted sponge. Naturally, there are variations on the theme.

Continuing the parade of crap, haven't you always yearned to erase your mistakes with an eraser shaped like fruity produce? Your dreams have come true! Behold!

Here's a funky little item that will surely turn some heads. How many times have you found yourself rubbing away with your old eraser thinking, "This is boring!" -- now even erasing can be fun with this wacky electric banana eraser that rubs out pencil faster than you can imagine, thanks to its vibrator action that makes the retractable eraser work great. Will you ever go back to erasing things manually? Who needs pens when you've got a vibrating electric eraser that looks like a banana? Your life will never be the same again. Unfortunately, they're probably right; my life might not be the same if I actually insisted on using the vibrating banana to erase things. It would be lonely, as no one would come near me if I was spotted using that thing. ("But wait! Come back! It's fruit and it vibrates!! Wait!!")

But hey, why limit your love of erasers to just bananas? Actually, why be bound by fruit at all? Break free of the fruit! Break free of the doldrums of buying your erasers already made. Wait. What? That's right. Make your own erasers in the microwave and have them shaped like sushi! Behold!

Good Lord. I'm thinking the planet is worth a heck of a lot more than an eraser that looks like unagi that I cooked up in the microwave. It says that it comes with "...various cut outs to bring that more authentic restaurant feel to your creations." Because if I'm going to be erasing with sushi, I need that authentic restaurant feel, otherwise it's just not the same.

And now onto the Japanese wieners. Wait. What? Among the foreign community, the Japanese are famous for their perfectly cut mini-wieners you find in so many lunches (bento boxes). What's the secret behind these ubiquitous morsels you ask? Why the Wiener Cutter of course.

Guys, I apologize for the term "Wiener Cutter". That's enough to make any guy cringe. (Heck, I cringed when I read it and I don't even have one!) But when was the last time you heard a wiener called an "ubiquitous morsel"? Huh? It's probably been a looooonnnngg time, hasn't it? Good!

Now you too can have the most perfectly cut wieners on the block, and not only that, they'll be shaped like tulips!, complete with a bulb and leaves Be the hit at school. Be the talk of the water cooler clique at work. Wonderfully wacky.

There you go! Wonderfully wacky wieners! Shaped like tulips! But those aren't the only shapes you can cut your wiener into! (Again, sorry guys.) There's more!

• "...they'll be shaped like cute penguin!, complete with eyes and arms!"
• "...they'll be shaped like cute crabs!, complete with eyes and legs!"

Yep! Crabs for your wieners! Order now! Operators are standing by!

Then there's the Say It In Japanese Publication which claims to "...go into detail over sample conversations and useful expressions to accomplish what you need." Well, I like to accomplish what I need. This should be handy, yes? How the hell should I know? Just look at it for cryin' out loud! Do you know? Behold!

I don't know if I need to accomplish any of that! But then again, I don't know what half of those things are, nor why I would need to know them! The only examples that they give over at J-List are "expressions such as "Me o sara ni suru" ("Saucer Eyes" aka to open one's eyes widely in search for something or someone), "Te ga hayai" ("fast hands" or a womanizer) and "Icha Icha" suru (a couple necking)." So, what I need to accomplish is keeping an eye out for a womanizer and if I see a couple necking, I might have found one? Should I just wait until they're done? Those are strange examples of why I would want that book. (Why is that pink squirrel staring at that watermelon? Is that what goes on in Japan? I've never been. The man above the squirrel does not want that box! And next to him, a samurai fights with wanton letters.)

And finally, one of the more degrading products they had is an item called the Working Women's Simply Style Notepad. It's confusing even after you've seen it, but I'll explain. Behold!

When I saw this, my first thought was, "Do I want cut out sperm on my notes? I don't think I do." But I guess they're not sperm, although they could be. That's up to you and that's part of the intrigue (I suppose)! I mean, haven't you always wanted, as a working woman (sorry again, guys) to have a notepad with a little character? Thanks to J-List, your prayers are what? Answered, that is correct. "Here's a note pad with a little character. Simply use the pad to write notes and reminders to yourself when necessary, however there are 3 flap that can flip up allowing you to create different characters that allowing you to create different expressions based on what you draw on them. Great for making parodies of yourself or others in order to liven up the day." Why is this weird thing just for women? I don't get it. I suppose I should appreciate the thought, but if I'm going to "liven up my day" I'm going to do so by drinking six martinis at lunch. That alone will liven up a lot of people's day, not just mine! Count on co-workers, the boss, the cute copy chick and security to have their day livened up as well!

Look, this stuff is a riot and all, but only because it's just so ridiculous. We don't need this crap on the planet. Please stop. There's only so much room on the planet and I really don't think that we need to be taking up space with items that their sole purpose is for us to have pretty and shapely wieners. It's just crap and there's too much of it. Make something worthwhile and then we'll talk. But right now you'll have to excuse me. I just heard my microwave timer go off and I need to go check on the DIY Bunion Pads that I cooked up!

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