Amusing Crap That Will Destroy Our Planet

Recently, I've been made aware that there really is too much waste on this planet. It's not like I didn't have some sort of an idea that there was a whole bunch of stuff that gets thrown out every second of every day that is taking up valuable space on the earth. I knew that. I just hadn't fully grasped the magnitude until lately. There's too much stuff and we don't need to keep churning out more, especially if that which is churned out is useless. We definitely don't need more of that. And I found a website that has a bunch of useless crap that is eventually going to end up inundating the landfills and (in all likelihood) the oceans and that's unfortunate. What's even more unfortunate is that the stuff on this website is such crap that I found it amusing.

The site is J-List and it's freaking weird. It's Japanese, but the site is in English. And to the credit of whoever is responsible for the site, they have gone to great lengths to be all inclusive, not only with their products (aka, crap), but also with their descriptions of said products. Lengthy they are. And detailed! Sometimes, with too much detail. The thing with the Japanese is that they never do anything half-ass. Everything there that is popular isn't just popular, it's a crazed craze. It's like everything is a "must have" and if you don't "have" it, you "must" and soon! The Japanese also seem to figure that if a certain item is popular, then an item that is kind of like that item (but not really) will be popular as well. That's when they take their life savings and pour it into that item, only to find out it's ridiculous and worthless and that they never liked the item that was the popular one in the first place.

But here was what I was greeted with today when I stumbled over there (and really, for no apparent reason is this there):

Oh, what the hell is that?! Well, to their credit, they're talking about not being wasteful. After all, Mottainai "essentially means "What a waste!" But their website is just chock full of such utterly cheap and ridiculous crap that no one really needs, it's hard to take them seriously. (That, of course, is my biggest complaint about all of this "going green" stuff. Any entity can make a "green" claim and no one cares if they are or not and there aren't a whole lot of regulations to determine if they are or not. As long as people can believe they're doing good, they don't care if they really aren't, just as long as they think they are.)

And then for no apparent reason, it delves off down this path: "Japan's toilet culture is quite unique, especially when you're coming from the outside. First, there are two types of toilets here, standard Western units you're familiar with -- they come in normal, butt warming and butt washing types -- and washiki or Japanese-style, which you squat over to use." Good Lord, make it stop!! After that it takes off on the expected tangent...that of Hillary Clinton's impending visit to Japan and whether or not she will bring Valentine's Day chocolates for Prime Minister Aso. (Is that really his name? Aso? You know...um...that kinda sounds like "Prime Minister A-Hole", doncha think? It does a little, huh? Hmm. Poor choice. Moving on!)

I knew I'd likely find an enormous selection of craptastic products when I saw that the product list on the top site banner read: "Hentai Manga, Japan Kit Kat, Tenga Adult Toys". Now that's quite the variety of stuff right there. (By the way, the Japan Kit Kat? Yeah, they're strawberry! What is that about?! I don't want a strawberry Kit Kat! OK, well, I kinda do, just to try it, though! But just one!) But I was not expecting this. Behold!

Oh, what the hell is that? That is the Nagomin Body Sponger -- with Long String. Apparently the "long string" is a selling point because we all know how hard a long string is to come by these days, what with the recession and all. (Hard times, hard times.) For more information, this description is included: Japanese bath products are far and wide some of the most interesting in the world. This new, umm -- sponge-on-a-rope is great for washing those hard to reach spots, without the hard scrubbing of a long brush. This one even has a cute face on it, so it seems to enjoy the washing up as much as you do! Has a long thick string tied to both sides and is very absorbent with a soft plush material. It seems to enjoy it as much as I do?? I'm not so sure inanimate objects are capable of that sort of enjoyment, but if they were, I don't think I'd be using that product in the shower. Anywhere, really, but especially in the shower. Little perverted sponge. Naturally, there are variations on the theme.

Continuing the parade of crap, haven't you always yearned to erase your mistakes with an eraser shaped like fruity produce? Your dreams have come true! Behold!

Here's a funky little item that will surely turn some heads. How many times have you found yourself rubbing away with your old eraser thinking, "This is boring!" -- now even erasing can be fun with this wacky electric banana eraser that rubs out pencil faster than you can imagine, thanks to its vibrator action that makes the retractable eraser work great. Will you ever go back to erasing things manually? Who needs pens when you've got a vibrating electric eraser that looks like a banana? Your life will never be the same again. Unfortunately, they're probably right; my life might not be the same if I actually insisted on using the vibrating banana to erase things. It would be lonely, as no one would come near me if I was spotted using that thing. ("But wait! Come back! It's fruit and it vibrates!! Wait!!")

But hey, why limit your love of erasers to just bananas? Actually, why be bound by fruit at all? Break free of the fruit! Break free of the doldrums of buying your erasers already made. Wait. What? That's right. Make your own erasers in the microwave and have them shaped like sushi! Behold!

Good Lord. I'm thinking the planet is worth a heck of a lot more than an eraser that looks like unagi that I cooked up in the microwave. It says that it comes with "...various cut outs to bring that more authentic restaurant feel to your creations." Because if I'm going to be erasing with sushi, I need that authentic restaurant feel, otherwise it's just not the same.

And now onto the Japanese wieners. Wait. What? Among the foreign community, the Japanese are famous for their perfectly cut mini-wieners you find in so many lunches (bento boxes). What's the secret behind these ubiquitous morsels you ask? Why the Wiener Cutter of course.

Guys, I apologize for the term "Wiener Cutter". That's enough to make any guy cringe. (Heck, I cringed when I read it and I don't even have one!) But when was the last time you heard a wiener called an "ubiquitous morsel"? Huh? It's probably been a looooonnnngg time, hasn't it? Good!

Now you too can have the most perfectly cut wieners on the block, and not only that, they'll be shaped like tulips!, complete with a bulb and leaves Be the hit at school. Be the talk of the water cooler clique at work. Wonderfully wacky.

There you go! Wonderfully wacky wieners! Shaped like tulips! But those aren't the only shapes you can cut your wiener into! (Again, sorry guys.) There's more!

• "...they'll be shaped like cute penguin!, complete with eyes and arms!"
• "...they'll be shaped like cute crabs!, complete with eyes and legs!"

Yep! Crabs for your wieners! Order now! Operators are standing by!

Then there's the Say It In Japanese Publication which claims to "...go into detail over sample conversations and useful expressions to accomplish what you need." Well, I like to accomplish what I need. This should be handy, yes? How the hell should I know? Just look at it for cryin' out loud! Do you know? Behold!

I don't know if I need to accomplish any of that! But then again, I don't know what half of those things are, nor why I would need to know them! The only examples that they give over at J-List are "expressions such as "Me o sara ni suru" ("Saucer Eyes" aka to open one's eyes widely in search for something or someone), "Te ga hayai" ("fast hands" or a womanizer) and "Icha Icha" suru (a couple necking)." So, what I need to accomplish is keeping an eye out for a womanizer and if I see a couple necking, I might have found one? Should I just wait until they're done? Those are strange examples of why I would want that book. (Why is that pink squirrel staring at that watermelon? Is that what goes on in Japan? I've never been. The man above the squirrel does not want that box! And next to him, a samurai fights with wanton letters.)

And finally, one of the more degrading products they had is an item called the Working Women's Simply Style Notepad. It's confusing even after you've seen it, but I'll explain. Behold!

When I saw this, my first thought was, "Do I want cut out sperm on my notes? I don't think I do." But I guess they're not sperm, although they could be. That's up to you and that's part of the intrigue (I suppose)! I mean, haven't you always wanted, as a working woman (sorry again, guys) to have a notepad with a little character? Thanks to J-List, your prayers are what? Answered, that is correct. "Here's a note pad with a little character. Simply use the pad to write notes and reminders to yourself when necessary, however there are 3 flap that can flip up allowing you to create different characters that allowing you to create different expressions based on what you draw on them. Great for making parodies of yourself or others in order to liven up the day." Why is this weird thing just for women? I don't get it. I suppose I should appreciate the thought, but if I'm going to "liven up my day" I'm going to do so by drinking six martinis at lunch. That alone will liven up a lot of people's day, not just mine! Count on co-workers, the boss, the cute copy chick and security to have their day livened up as well!

Look, this stuff is a riot and all, but only because it's just so ridiculous. We don't need this crap on the planet. Please stop. There's only so much room on the planet and I really don't think that we need to be taking up space with items that their sole purpose is for us to have pretty and shapely wieners. It's just crap and there's too much of it. Make something worthwhile and then we'll talk. But right now you'll have to excuse me. I just heard my microwave timer go off and I need to go check on the DIY Bunion Pads that I cooked up!

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The Mole Man of Broughton, Bucks

I can understand if someone let's things pile up to the point of it being inconvenient and not really all that tidy. That I get. What I don't get is why or how it continues to get worse to the point of incapacitation. When you start to run out of room to walk around in your own home because of all of your "stuff", wouldn't you sit down (provided you could find someplace to sit down) and say to yourself, "Self, this place is a hole. And you can't remember if the floors are hardwood or carpet because it's been so long since you've seen them. Perhaps, Self, you should think about downsizing your belongings so that you don't have to leap over things as if you're competing in the Steeplechase at the Olympics." You would say that. I would say that. Apparently Gordon Stewart would not say that.

Mr. Stewart was 74 when he was found dead inside his home last Friday over there across the pond in Broughton, Bucks (I guess that's in the UK somewhere). It is believed that the man died from dehydration. How does one die from dehydration in their own home, you ask? Good question. Apparently, Mr. Stewart was the epitome of a compulsive hoarder and became (wait for it) "...disorientated inside the walls of rotting trash and unable to find a way out " according to the folks over there at The Sun. Oh, just wait. It gets better. Er, worse. Mr. Stewart "...hoarded so much rubbish he had to burrow through it to get around his home--then got lost in the maze of tunnels and died of thirst." Now. Wait. WTF??

First of all, how big is this place that he was able to have freaking garbage tunnels throughout?! He was the Human Mole! Look at the picture below. It doesn't look very big. Well, it doesn't look big enough to have an elaborate labyrinth weaving through it. But a neighbor was quoted as saying, "A police officer said the interior was piled up with huge mounds of rotting rubbish and there was an elaborate network of tunnels to move around." And I suppose the police would know because "the stench from the rubbish was so foul they brought in a police diving team equipped with breathing apparatus. " Translation: Scuba gear. Good Lord, sir......

Now, with really bizarre stories like this, I prefer it if the articles that are reporting on this sort of thing try to stick with information that is not a) irrelevant or b) ridiculous. For instance, "Yesterday, full plastic bags could be seen piled in the front window." OK, I highly doubt it was just yesterday that one could see those bags! Look at them! Behold! Garbage! And lots of it!

Then there was this little gem: "Thames Valley Police said there were no suspicious circumstances." Define 'suspicious' for me, would ya please? Because while it may not be "suspicious", as in "We don't need to go running for Sherlock Holmes or anything", it is "suspicious" as in "What the hell??"

Another neighbor (who would seem to be one of many neighbors who felt the need to make asinine statements) said, “He was slightly eccentric, but very clever. He lived in his own world.” What the hell does that mean?! Oh, I get the second part. The "He lived in his own world" is very clear to me! Yes! Yes, he did! He lived in a world where garbage has taken over and rules the earth! Yes, that's his and his only! But you can't have a statement where the "but" part of it doesn't have anything to do with the first part of it, ie "eccentric, but very clever." Eccentricity doesn't have anything to do with being clever or not. I'd imagine that he was a clever bloke, as one would have to be to figure out how in the hell you're going to keep navigating through your trash tunnels. But that has nothing to do with being eccentric. (Actually, neither does hoarding all of the trash, but that's beside the point here.) It's like saying, "He was a very good swimmer, but he did not care for steak."

The same moron who noted Mr. Stewart's "eccentricity" also said that " He was just a collector. He came home with a load of cardboard boxes..." Dude, er, ol' chap, people that have one of every Beanie Baby ever made are "collectors". People that have one of every DC Comic ever made are "collectors". (They are also the "unlayable".) The Mole Man wasn't a "collector". He was, in my never to be humble opinion, mentally ill. Tell me, exactly what was he a "collector" of, my good man? Crap? He had the largest crap collection that side of Big Ben? Nobody has, nor wants, a crap collection. The man had mental issues and it's unfortunate, given the fact that you could see piles of his "crap collection" piled up in front of his windows, that no one could have checked on the guy, made a call to some social service division, something. But no, they just let him keep "collecting" and going about his "eccentricities" (which would appear to include tunneling through the garbage like a gopher in one's own abode) and now he's dead and the only thing he's "collecting" now is dust. (Also collecting dust is that car in his garage below that hasn't been touched in years. What is that? A Studebaker?)

And capping off the idiotic commentary on this story is "It is believed Mr Stewart lived alone and has no next of kin." Oh, you think?! (You morons.) Are ya sure?? Have you gone through all of the tunnels? He could have a whole family of burrowers in there. Oh, I'm sorry, I mean "collectors" in there. My mistake. Now THAT would be eccentric!

I can't help but marvel at the fact that it's a two story house that he lived in. Did it have tunnels going upstairs as well as around the downstairs? It would be like one big human Habitrail if it did. Was there a big pile of shredded up newspaper that he used for a nest to sleep in? (Or to warm his young on cold evenings.) Maybe there's a big wheel in there that he ran around in! Oh, I know he would have gotten plenty of exercise just from crawling through the filth all the time, but sometimes you want a change. Something different, you know?

Assuming that Mr. Stewart did have failing mental faculties during the last part of his life (you know, the part with all of the garbage and tunnels), you have to admit that if it wasn't garbage that he was tunneling through, it sounds kinda fun. A big house full of tunnels to crawl around in all day long. It'd be like a giant fort, only without the cushions from the couch and the blankets from your bed. Just substitute "garbage" for "cushions and blankets" though and it's practically the same. Maybe the guy needed a little amusement in his life. Sounds pretty much like his neighbors left his ass alone. He might have just been trying to pass the time. I just wish he hadn't done it in squalor and I wish he hadn't done it in a way where he couldn't find his way out and died of thirst.

What have we learned? If we see piles of garbage accruing in our neighbors windows, do something. Anything. Don't ignore it and pass it off as and eccentric collector of plastic bags. What else have we learned? Right now, every one of you who just read this is thinking about how cool it would be to go build a fort out of the couch cushions and the blankets from your bed. Admit it.

Now if you'll excuse me, I think I'm going to go watch some TV in my fort.

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