Friday, May 8, 2009

Condiment Controversy

Media folks have officially lost it. Gone. It's gone. There is no effing sanity left. Those of you who have been engaging in the sort of ridiculously trivial and absolutely fabricated 'controversy' (otherwise known as a fake controversy. It's a fakeroversy.) over President Barry's choice of burger toppings? Yeah, what is wrong with you people?

Seriously, do you think that you're doing anyone a favor by reporting on this crap as if it were actually news (which it SO is not)? Can you think of no better way to spend your time working as a reporter and/or journalist than to flat out just make up some BS about what the underlying message is from what President Barry had on his burger? Y'all seem a little unclear on the concept of what your journalist/news reporter job should actually entail. And sadly, if you can either a) string together a bunch of words to form some sort of story to pass off as an article, or b) have nice breasts, you'll meet the qualifications that seem to be in the highest demand these days. (And while, if those are real, they are spec-tacular. But your reporting still blows.)

Here's the scoop: For reasons that would be interesting but are yet unknown (because the media reports are all just CRAP!) President Barry and the reclusive (translation: Not allowed out in public by himself) Vice President Joe Biden decided to have lunch at Ray's Hell Burger, a rather new place, still without a sign and located in a strip mall in Arlington, VA. The folks at Ray's serve one dish: 10 ounce burgers made out of prime beef. They start at a very reasonable $7 and then for between $1 and $5 you can add your choice of a variety of different cheeses and a bunch of other stuff. Though some of the stuff you can't order are fries and beer. Go figure. They have some deep fried cheese taters or something that they do instead of fries. I'm sure they're good (they have cheese in them, how bad could they possibly be?!), but come on, if you're having a burger, you need fries! It's like a rule.

They both wait in line, with President Barry seeming to be more comfortable doing so than Biden. I've noticed that Biden kind of bumbles his way through anything that isn't a scheduled interview and even then it's touch and go. Biden orders a burger with Swiss cheese, jalapeno peppers and ketchup. President Barry just wants a Cheddar cheeseburger, medium well. He says, "I just want mustard. No ketchup. Do you got a spicy mustard or something like that? A Dijon mustard or something like that? Um. Lettuce. Tomato." He also wanted fries, but was informed they were fry-less, so he went with the fried cheese balls or whatever they are. He bought lunch for those members of the press brigade that is constantly following him on important outings such as this. He paid for his lunch, Biden paid for his own. They ate. Then they left. The end.

Not so fast. Didn't you notice the horror? The atrocity? It can't just END simply because they've eaten all of the food! No! It can't be over! There must be something about this story that will allow moronic members of the media to whip up a fakeroversy and continue talking about a non-issue for days on end by giving it a tone as if someone had just uncovered another Watergate. Well, this is a far cry from Watergate. I give you Mustardgate. Wait. What?

Correct. Mustardgate. People are freaking out about President Barry wanting mustard on his burger. They're also freaking out that he ordered it medium well. Medium well for most meats is a bit on the shoe leathery side for me, but that's just me. Some folks enjoy a good teeth gnashing on a fine piece of shoe leather. But it's the mustard that has even the conspiracy theorists coming out of the woodwork.

See, President Barry didn't just have 'mustard' on his burger. No, he wanted the hoity-toity spicy brown mustard. He even went as far as to ask for the elitist 'Dijon mustard'! I am not making this up. The folks up there in Canada, America's Hat, at
CNEWS have a piece titled "Obama's burger topping 'unAmerican'. Un-American?! Am I the only one who noticed that Biden ordered a burger with Swiss cheese?! Hmm!! Swiss doesn't sound very American either now, does it?! It does not. Yet not a peep out of these folks who are flipping out about the mustard.

The conspiracy soft heads (or just jackasses like Sean Hannity) are accusing MSNBC and specifically Andrea Mitchell of 'a cover up' for editing the video footage of President Barry ordering the burger and leaving out the part about the Dijon mustard "in order to help Obama maintain his "man of the people" street cred." I swear to you, that's what they wrote. "Hannity has been referring to the president's lunch as his "fancy burger." And I've been referring to Sean Hannity as a 'moronic blowhard.'

Let me get this straight. Sean Hannity, who has his own talk show on Fox thinks that the President of the United States eats things that are "fancy" and therefore that hurts his "street cred" as a "man of the people"? First of all, I don't know that I want a "man of the people" because most people are morons. I'd prefer something just a notch or two above 'moron' for my President, thanks. Second, "street cred"? Is that their way of "keeping it real"? It's real annoying is what it is. And finally, should a guy with his own cable talk show really be talking about who comes across as elitist?

Look, anyone who believes anything Sean Hannity spews out needs to wear a helmet at all times in order to protect their dangerously soft and decalcified cranium. The man can't ruin his burger if he wants to? We are talking about the leader of America, right? Land of the free? Yet the guy makes a choice and suddenly, everyone is reacting as if he was caught in bed with Bo. Or worse. With Nancy Pelosi.

This has the flavor (pun probably intended) of back when we were supposed to be all up in arms with the French for something they did or didn't do and some genius decided the best way to show our outrage was to no longer call the tasty fried potato concoction "French fries" but to instead call them "Freedom fries". I don't know of one person who associates the country of FRANCE with French fries. Are they even really French? I don't know and I don't care! I just love me a potato. And as long as I can continue to eat French fries, I don't care what you call them because it doesn't matter!

Dijon mustard, spicy brown mustard, neither one of those is anything that I would classify as being 'fancy' or 'elitist'. That's because people who really are 'fancy' and who really are 'elitist' don't eat sandwiches or burgers upon which to plop and smear said condiment of controversy. You know what I blame this on? Those damn 'Excuse me. Do you have any Grey Poupon?" commercials where the rich guys inexplicably find the need to eat their dinner in the back of their Rolls Royce limo only for one of them to discover the horror that he's out of Grey Poupon and the other elitist a-hole won't share with him. Yeah, I blame them.

So let me get this straight: If you're going to pick on Bush, you're going to mention that he's kind of a moron, Iraq, no WMDs, the economy and taxes. If you're going to pick on President Barry, you go straight for the condiments? I see. That's the best you can do? Please, if you're one of those who is reporting on Mustardgate with that same "literally in bed with Pelosi" zeal as described above, please resign now. Resignations are being accepted at the bottom of that cliff over there. Please hurry.

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grannyann said...

Its the main stream media who are in love with Obama who seem to want to report every time he sneezes. I am like you, I would think there are other important things to report than a hamburger stop.

Mare said...

At first, I was willing to chalk a lot of his publicity up to just soft headed media folk thinking that anything that moves is a story. But President Barry is seeming quite enamored with the celebrity aspect of it all and is beginning to seemingly act more celebrity-like in public than politician-like in public.

And while I'm not a fan of fake politicians, I'd like someone to appear as if they take the job seriously, but not too seriously, and can convey to the public that he's not a big enough of a deal to be discussing what he put on his burger for days on end.

~ M