That's Not A Pizza

Are we in agreement that wacky food items with insanely high calorie counts have kind of jumped the shark?  I'm not the only one, right?  Yes, I know that people still like to get all breathless about things whenever some restaurant out there introduces some new menu item that is just CRAZY.  But I just don't feel like it's that big of a deal anymore and it's becoming some sort of squeezing blood out of a turnip attempt at reeling people in. I'm not into it anymore.  I'm not sure exactly when I lost interest.  It was definitely after the KFC Double Down because that thing wasn't as much of a gimmick as it was plain ol' delicious.  But I digress.  The latest abomination trying to gain media attention in lieu of just advertising is from the fine folks over there at Pizza Hut.  Behold! 

Now, if you're thinking "Oh, what the hell is that?" you're not alone.  That is apparently a cheeseburger pizza.  It's a "pizza" with a crust made out of little cheeseburgers.  Now, in what way is that a pizza?  Because it's round and incorporates a dough as the basis for the food item?  I thought that we had all been pretty clear for quite some time as to what constitutes a pizza.  Taking burger items and baking them in a flat ringed circle and then throwing condiments in the middle is not a pizza!  It's something, I'll give you that.  But pizza?  Come on.  You know it's not.  I'm being sucked in this time.  Not only does that look disgusting, it looks wrong.  And that's probably because they're calling it a pizza.  It's not a pizza.  Look at it!  It's NOT pizza!

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Lion Burgers, Anyone?

I don't understand the whole exotic game animal meat for consumption dealio. Buffalo burgers, ostrich burgers, stuff like that. Does it make it any more of a meal because you're eating something that you wouldn't normally eat? I don't know that it does. And does it really taste SO much better than a regular beef burger or a regular turkey burger? Different? I'd buy that. But better? I don't know. But now I'm afraid that the whole exotic burger deal is trying to one-up itself with an item on the menu at a Sacramento establishment. That's right. The Flaming Grill (which sounds like it would be more apt to be a gay bar than it would a bar and grill) is serving up lion burgers. Wait. What now?

Correct. Lion burgers. Well, not just lion burgers. Because that would be weird. No, they're lion AND antelope burgers. Mostly antelope. So, that should help, right? No. No, it kinda doesn't. Look, I'm not saying that they're disgusting or anything like that. I really don't know. I've never had a lion/antelope burger. (What would that be? Like a lintelope? Sounds fuzzy.) I just don't know that it's necessary, you know? According to KTXL in Sacramento "There are rules and regulations for this type of thing, but the Flaming Grill says it's not breaking any. The business tells FOX40 it can't serve a burger with all lion meat, and it's supply is not imported from another country." Wait. What?

It's not imported from another country? Where, exactly, in the United States do we have all of these lions roaming around that are fit for eating? I was unaware of the lion-as-food populace in this country. Not imported? How is that possible? And even if it is possible, when did this start? You know, all of the extra lions.

Upon further investigation of the Flaming Grill (OK, I went to Yelp) I discovered that the lintelope burger is not all that they serve that would be classified under the weird exotic menu. No, they have other things as well. For example, the yak burger. Made just for those of you with a hankerin' for some yak. Lemme guess. Is that meat not imported from another country either? Just a little Yellowstone poaching, perhaps?

Then there's the alligator burger. I want to know what's the difference between alligator meat and crocodile meat. They seem like they're cousins, yet I never hear of crocodile being on a menu anywhere. And if it was going to be anywhere, I'd have to guess that this place would be it.

There's your buffalo burger. Buffalo, the cousin of the yak. Still edible. Still odd. But it's not as odd as, of course, the llama burger. Behold!

Llama? Who would even think of eating a llama? Why would you want to? They're the spitters, right? Yeah, I don't want spit-laden meat. Llamas look like they're half camel, half ostrich. I'm surprised those aren't on the menu at the Flaming Grill as well! But according to the Yelp-sters, there is kangaroo available on some occasions. (Now, I KNOW that isn't from this country! Explain the kangaroo!)

I'm not bagging on the Flaming Grill, but I really take issue with the whole "exotic food" concept. Most of the time, foods that are considered to be "exotic" were only eaten in the first place because the people who were eating them were starving to death at the time! They would have eaten each other if they could have! It's not like they were looking to do the "exotic" thing at the time. They ate what they could. But when you can eat things that are more plentiful (and normal), shouldn't we just stick with those? Do we really need to be eating llamas? I'm not so sure.

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Super Scooby Snack

Once again, we have the "creation" of a ridiculous food item. Fortunately, this time the item isn't vying for a place in the Guinness Book of World Records. The only food items that should be worthy of a Guinness certified World Record are those that are grown. Not those that are baked, not those that are put together, not those which would set a record that could easily be bested by simply adding an ingredient, none of those should qualify. Under my rules, there would be a World Record available for the World's Largest Pumpkin, but there would not be a World Record available for the World's Largest Pumpkin Pie. What's to stop someone from making a bigger pumpkin pie the next day? Not much, all they'd need is a bigger pie plate. You shouldn't be able to snag a world record simply by going shopping.

Even better is that his edible atrocity comes from England. It's like their little way of saying, "Suck it, United States! We can have coronary artery disease just as much as y'all do." (Though I will admit that I highly doubt the Brits have ever said "y'all".) I'm just glad that we won't have to hear from the US folks who always crawl out of their laboratories when news of some lard-laden treat becomes available, just to admonish those of us who eat anything other than dust and Chiclets.

According to the probably obese folks over there at Fox News, the folks across the pond at a take out restaurant aptly called the Jolly Fryer have created a burger seemingly inspired by one of the greatest eaters in all of cartoon history: Scooby Doo.

The "Super Scooby" is the creation of brothers (who are also co-owners of the Jolly Fryer) Spiros and Andreas Lomvardos and another gent who happens to be an employee, Karl Ford. As the story goes (and by "the story" I mean "the article over there at Fox News"), the three chaps were "...sitting at work on a dead quiet night" and "...saw an ad from a well-known burger chain." According to Spiros, they noticed "The burgers always look big in the ads — but they never look like that in real life." That's when "...we started discussing making our own big burger.”

Ford is apparently a man of little talk and lots of action as he went home that night, created his own behemoth concoction and took a photo of it. Behold, the Super Scooby!

Oh, sweet mother of God, what is that gloriousness? Hold onto your arteries. Here we go:

• 4 quarter-pound beef patties
• 12 onion rings
• 8 slices of bacon
• 8 slices of cheese
• 6 slices of tomato
• 2 sesame buns
• Barbecue sauce
• Lettuce
• And a good slathering of mayonnaise.

I love me a good slathering. And a good slathering of mayonnaise is all the better. Let's all hail the genius of a one Karl Ford. After the photo shoot, the Lomvardos posted the photo on one of the walls of the restaurant. They say that they weren't really intending to sell the creature. Oh, right. They were just bragging? They're a restaurant! You think people aren't going to want that?! Of course they are! And they did!

Spiros must have read about the softheads in the US who always complain about how unhealthy something like this is because he did say, "“Obviously we wouldn’t recommend for someone to eat this every day. It’s not to be taken too seriously. It’s something that we would encourage on a special occasion for someone who wants to challenge themselves. It’s just a little bit of fun, really.” Brav-o, sir! Brav-o! My favorite part of that statement was the "obviously" because that's what I always think when something like this burbles up to the surface (probably in a vat of hot oil) in the US and the nutritionist Nazis come out in full force saying that if we eat that every day, we'll be dead by next Tuesday. Yes, we know that. Now please pipe down and pass the ketchup.

Here's the thing that is genius about Karl's burger: All of the ingredients go well with each other and there's not a lot of extra stuff and (here's the real genius) if you go light on the sauce and the mayonnaise, it won't be that big of a mess and is honestly, totally edible! NO problem! Look, I don't even eat beef and I think it looks fabulous! Hey. Wait a minute. I'm supposed to be against this sort of stuff. What am I doing lauding this man?! This creation?!

Oh, whew! I think I found just the thing to get me back on my cynical and disapproving track. According to the article, "If your stomach is strong enough to finish the burger, which comes with a side of traditional British chips, you even get a free Diet Coke to wash it all down with." Um, what? A Diet Coke?! THAT is what you're offering patrons who can eat a burger that measures 6-inches tall, weighs more than 3 pounds and weighs in at 2,645 calories, not to mention God only knows how much fat, sodium and cholesterol?!?! A bloody Diet Coke?!?! What is wrong with you people?! No cheap T-shirt?! No crappy bumper sticker?! No computer generated certificate that says "I finished an entire Super Scooby and all I got was this lousy piece of paper"? A Diet Coke?!?!

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Condiment Controversy

Media folks have officially lost it. Gone. It's gone. There is no effing sanity left. Those of you who have been engaging in the sort of ridiculously trivial and absolutely fabricated 'controversy' (otherwise known as a fake controversy. It's a fakeroversy.) over President Barry's choice of burger toppings? Yeah, what is wrong with you people?

Seriously, do you think that you're doing anyone a favor by reporting on this crap as if it were actually news (which it SO is not)? Can you think of no better way to spend your time working as a reporter and/or journalist than to flat out just make up some BS about what the underlying message is from what President Barry had on his burger? Y'all seem a little unclear on the concept of what your journalist/news reporter job should actually entail. And sadly, if you can either a) string together a bunch of words to form some sort of story to pass off as an article, or b) have nice breasts, you'll meet the qualifications that seem to be in the highest demand these days. (And while, if those are real, they are spec-tacular. But your reporting still blows.)

Here's the scoop: For reasons that would be interesting but are yet unknown (because the media reports are all just CRAP!) President Barry and the reclusive (translation: Not allowed out in public by himself) Vice President Joe Biden decided to have lunch at Ray's Hell Burger, a rather new place, still without a sign and located in a strip mall in Arlington, VA. The folks at Ray's serve one dish: 10 ounce burgers made out of prime beef. They start at a very reasonable $7 and then for between $1 and $5 you can add your choice of a variety of different cheeses and a bunch of other stuff. Though some of the stuff you can't order are fries and beer. Go figure. They have some deep fried cheese taters or something that they do instead of fries. I'm sure they're good (they have cheese in them, how bad could they possibly be?!), but come on, if you're having a burger, you need fries! It's like a rule.

They both wait in line, with President Barry seeming to be more comfortable doing so than Biden. I've noticed that Biden kind of bumbles his way through anything that isn't a scheduled interview and even then it's touch and go. Biden orders a burger with Swiss cheese, jalapeno peppers and ketchup. President Barry just wants a Cheddar cheeseburger, medium well. He says, "I just want mustard. No ketchup. Do you got a spicy mustard or something like that? A Dijon mustard or something like that? Um. Lettuce. Tomato." He also wanted fries, but was informed they were fry-less, so he went with the fried cheese balls or whatever they are. He bought lunch for those members of the press brigade that is constantly following him on important outings such as this. He paid for his lunch, Biden paid for his own. They ate. Then they left. The end.

Not so fast. Didn't you notice the horror? The atrocity? It can't just END simply because they've eaten all of the food! No! It can't be over! There must be something about this story that will allow moronic members of the media to whip up a fakeroversy and continue talking about a non-issue for days on end by giving it a tone as if someone had just uncovered another Watergate. Well, this is a far cry from Watergate. I give you Mustardgate. Wait. What?

Correct. Mustardgate. People are freaking out about President Barry wanting mustard on his burger. They're also freaking out that he ordered it medium well. Medium well for most meats is a bit on the shoe leathery side for me, but that's just me. Some folks enjoy a good teeth gnashing on a fine piece of shoe leather. But it's the mustard that has even the conspiracy theorists coming out of the woodwork.

See, President Barry didn't just have 'mustard' on his burger. No, he wanted the hoity-toity spicy brown mustard. He even went as far as to ask for the elitist 'Dijon mustard'! I am not making this up. The folks up there in Canada, America's Hat, at CNEWS have a piece titled "Obama's burger topping 'unAmerican'. Un-American?! Am I the only one who noticed that Biden ordered a burger with Swiss cheese?! Hmm!! Swiss doesn't sound very American either now, does it?! It does not. Yet not a peep out of these folks who are flipping out about the mustard.

The conspiracy soft heads (or just jackasses like Sean Hannity) are accusing MSNBC and specifically Andrea Mitchell of 'a cover up' for editing the video footage of President Barry ordering the burger and leaving out the part about the Dijon mustard "in order to help Obama maintain his "man of the people" street cred." I swear to you, that's what they wrote. "Hannity has been referring to the president's lunch as his "fancy burger." And I've been referring to Sean Hannity as a 'moronic blowhard.'

Let me get this straight. Sean Hannity, who has his own talk show on Fox thinks that the President of the United States eats things that are "fancy" and therefore that hurts his "street cred" as a "man of the people"? First of all, I don't know that I want a "man of the people" because most people are morons. I'd prefer something just a notch or two above 'moron' for my President, thanks. Second, "street cred"? Is that their way of "keeping it real"? It's real annoying is what it is. And finally, should a guy with his own cable talk show really be talking about who comes across as elitist?

Look, anyone who believes anything Sean Hannity spews out needs to wear a helmet at all times in order to protect their dangerously soft and decalcified cranium. The man can't ruin his burger if he wants to? We are talking about the leader of America, right? Land of the free? Yet the guy makes a choice and suddenly, everyone is reacting as if he was caught in bed with Bo. Or worse. With Nancy Pelosi.

This has the flavor (pun probably intended) of back when we were supposed to be all up in arms with the French for something they did or didn't do and some genius decided the best way to show our outrage was to no longer call the tasty fried potato concoction "French fries" but to instead call them "Freedom fries". I don't know of one person who associates the country of FRANCE with French fries. Are they even really French? I don't know and I don't care! I just love me a potato. And as long as I can continue to eat French fries, I don't care what you call them because it doesn't matter!

Dijon mustard, spicy brown mustard, neither one of those is anything that I would classify as being 'fancy' or 'elitist'. That's because people who really are 'fancy' and who really are 'elitist' don't eat sandwiches or burgers upon which to plop and smear said condiment of controversy. You know what I blame this on? Those damn 'Excuse me. Do you have any Grey Poupon?" commercials where the rich guys inexplicably find the need to eat their dinner in the back of their Rolls Royce limo only for one of them to discover the horror that he's out of Grey Poupon and the other elitist a-hole won't share with him. Yeah, I blame them.

So let me get this straight: If you're going to pick on Bush, you're going to mention that he's kind of a moron, Iraq, no WMDs, the economy and taxes. If you're going to pick on President Barry, you go straight for the condiments? I see. That's the best you can do? Please, if you're one of those who is reporting on Mustardgate with that same "literally in bed with Pelosi" zeal as described above, please resign now. Resignations are being accepted at the bottom of that cliff over there. Please hurry.

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