Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Now THAT'S Soliciting

Huh. I know very little about prostitution other than what the basics entail. And most of that I learned from that glorious 1982 movie, "Night Shift'. Who would have thought that combining the setting of a morgue and the business of prostitution would make for hilarious cinematic viewing pleasure. To quote Michael Keaton's character, Bill, "PROSTITUTION. What does that mean really? Sometimes it helps to understand a word if you break it down, so lets do that now shall we? 'PROS'...it doesn't mean anything. You can forget about that. 'TIT'...I think we all know what that means. 'TU' and 'TION'....Of course, from the Latin 'to shun'; To say "Uh-uh!" "No,thank you!" "I don't want it!" To push away. It doesn't even belong in this word really." That's a pretty good summary of my knowledge.

But no matter how shallow my knowledge, I can dig pretty deep when trying to figure out the best way to go about something. I'm all for a little trial, a little error (hopefully a little bit less on the error side than on the trial side), and seeing what does what. Therefore, I feel I can state with 98% confidence that the way to go about being a prostitute and soliciting your...um...prostitors? Oh, wait, got it! Customers! The way to go about being a prostitute and soliciting your customers does not involve stopping traffic so that passing motorists will practically be forced to notice you advertising your craft....by bearing your breasts. Wait. By what? What the what?


Correct. Now, surprisingly, this story does not originate in Florida, but rather in Maryland (which might earn itself the nickname "Florida of the Northeast" if its residents keep up behavior like this much longer). The folks over there at Baynet.com bring us the story of a one 39-year old "Sheila C. Vernon, of no fixed address." (I really like the use of the word "of" there. Couldn't they just have wrote "Homeless"? "Nomadic"? "Globetrotter"? "Of no fixed address" just kills me for some reason. Judging from the looks of things, I'm guessing that since her address isn't "fixed", it's probably "broken". It's also a pretty good bet that she is "Of no fixed income" as well.) It is alleged that on May 10, at 9:25 am, the ol' hookering business was a little slow and so Ms. Vernon decided to take matters into her own hands (which she usually does after she's secured a client) and drum up a little business herself. Absent a sandwich board and a bell, she apparently turned to Page Two in the 'Soliciting for Solicitors" handbook (Page One is an illustration of how to prop yourself up on the side of a street corner lamppost) and decided that standing out in front of traffic and giving suggestions to passing motorists was just the thing to get business booming again.

What it actually did was get the cops called. When they showed up, Ms Vernon was apparently, "...standing in the roadway soliciting the operator of a motor vehicle, who she had stepped in front of, for sexual acts and exposing her breasts." When was this again? May 10th? Mother's Day?! You're out in the middle of the road on Mother's Day looking for business?! I'm sure that it's exactly that very capitalistic ingenuity and unbridled enthusiasm for your craft that has her own mother simply beaming with pride! And at 9:25 in the morning as well. Kind of adds a double entendre meaning to "The early bird gets the worm."


Hopefully it will not surprise you to learn that Ms. Vernon "...was placed under arrest, charged with prostitution, two counts of indecent exposure and incarcerated in the Detention Center." She is apparently awaiting a hearing in front of someone with more authority than me who will be able to ask her, "What is wrong with you?"


I'd like to know how long she was out there, baring "the girls" as her business cards, before the cops showed up. Were all of her hooker clothes at the dry cleaner or something and she was afraid that potential clientele wouldn't recognize her as said hooker and so she felt the need to make it clear that she was? It wasn't even a button down top (which would have been much more convenient)! It's hard to be inconspicuous when you're literally lifting your shirt up and shouting out prices or items or however the hell that sort of thing works. The way I described it right there, it kinda sounded like a cattle auction, so I'm thinking it's probably not like that. Very much.


I am very grateful for the pictures of this incident! All of which were lifted with neither permission, nor malice, from Baynet.com. They're quite classic. She appears with her arm outstretched to the sides in more than one instance, leading me to believe that's the universal hooker gesture for "You want a piece of this?" She looks like an angry hooker, but can ya blame her? It's 9:25 in the morning on Mother's Day and you're out in the middle of traffic trying to sell your body to the highest bidder. Well, the lowest bidder. OK, fine, the bidder. Anyone will do! Anyone but the cops.

And thus, another Mother's Day in Maryland comes to a close before the day really even got started. But when you start your day off like that, I'm thinking it can never end too soon.

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2 comments:

grannyann said...

Don't you suppose she is a little strung out on something..no pro in her "right" mind would stand IN traffic!! At least that's what I think.

Mare said...

I'd have to assume that she's not quite right overall. Whether that's a substance induced 'not right', I'm not sure. But like you sort of implied, this is the "right mind" of someone who solicits sex for money. Hard to say what would be considered 'normal' behavior for someone who is willing to do that in the first place.

~ M